(At
a breakfast/lunch restaurant)
Costumer
Designer: So now I’m expected to drop everything, fly all the way out to
Fiji, and spend three weeks on pristine beaches altering costumes on every
single extra again and redesigning the lead’s entire ensemble
from beginning to end because it’s apparently not quote-unquote “climate-appropriate.”
Non-Film
Industry Friend: What a burden.
Costume
Designer: I know, right? (Sees alert on
phone and reads message) Aw, dagnabit!
Non-Film
Industry Friend: What, next you’ll have to fly out to Paris?
Costume
Designer: (Shudders) Heavens, no; they announced the ------- Award nominations
this morning and this says that I got nominated for Best
Costume Design for that one I did three years ago and just came out last month.
Non-Film
Industry Friend: (Chokes on coffee) What?!
I didn’t even know you were in the running to be… in the running!
Costume
Designer: (Tosses the phone onto the table) Yeah, they nominated everybody who
had anything tangentially to do with that flick, which means it’ll win Best
Actor, Best Actress, Best Screenplay, and Best Director, but not Best Picture.
Non-Film
Industry Friend: But you still got nominated for costumes! That’s great!
Costume
Designer: (Focuses on buttering toast) Yeah.
Non-Film
Industry Friend: I don’t understand – why aren’t you thrilled beyond belief?
Costume
Designer: Because now it means I have to go to the awards show!
Non-Film
Industry Friend: Yes it does!
Costume
Designer: Do you know how boring those things are?!
Non-Film
Industry Friend: But – but – but it’s the ------!
Costume
Designer: Doesn’t make it any less tedious.
Plus, why should I have to sit through everybody else’s drama when I
could be home, watching it on TV?
Non-Film
Industry Friend: `Cause you might win!
Costume
Designer: Ha. I saw who else is
nominated: three period pieces and an innovative space opera. My designs, on the other hand, come to me in
my nightmares.
Non-Film
Industry Friend: You mean your dreams?
Costume
Designer: You heard me. (Reads another
message on the phone) Oh look, it’s the studio head, congratulating us and
saying we’d better show up for the awards show or never work in this town
again.
Non-Film
Industry Friend: They actually said that?
Costume
Designer: I’m pretty sure that last bit was directed solely to me. (Sighs while crunching into toast) Guess I
should begin the mental prep now – it’s only three months away.
Non-Film
Industry Friend: Need any help writing your acceptance speech?
Costume
Designer: Don’t waste the energy – you’ll need it to face the long hours
sitting in almost-comfortable chairs.
Non-Film
Industry Friend: Ooh, so I can be your guest then?
Costume
Designer: Sure, I’ll need someone to talk to who isn’t me.
THE NIGHT OF THE
------- AWARDS
Non-Film
Industry Friend: (Looking all around the spectacle in awe as they disembark
from a bus in front of the theater; both are wearing
business casual) Oh wow, red carpet treatment!
This is all so glamorous!
Costume
Designer: Yeah, we go in this way.
(Points to a side entrance)
Non-Film
Industry Friend: Oh. We can’t just hurry
through the reception line and get maybe one paparazzo photo by mistake? I was hoping to see ----- ------ up close from
afar.
Costume
Designer: C’mon, it’s less hectic this way – besides, you should see where they
make the science award nominees enter.
Non-Film
Industry Friend: Where, the back?
Costume
Designer: Nope: last week. Zing! Poor underappreciated nerds.
(Several
hours later, they are sitting in the third upper mezzanine)
Non-Film
Industry Friend: (Squinting) I can almost see the stage.
Costume
Designer: (Munching on popcorn) Yeah, we’ve got some time yet. Wake me when they get up to Best Sound, would
you?
Non-Film
Industry Friend: Editing or Mixing?
Costume
Designer: (Takes out a pillow and blanket and snuggles into the seat) Surprise
me.
(Several
hours later)
Non-Film
Industry Friend: (Shakes Costume Designer awake) It’s coming!
Costume
Designer: Huh? Is the plane landed yet?
Non-Film
Industry Friend: No-no, your category!
Costume
Designer: Oh, that. Let me get my act
together. (Takes out several pieces of
paper covered in numbers)
Non-Film
Industry Friend: What’s all this?
Costume
Designer: My pool. My money’s on the
space opera.
Non-Film
Industry Friend: You bet against yourself?!
Costume
Designer: Darn tootin’; figured this wouldn’t be a total waste of time.
Announcer:
And the ----- goes to… ------- ---------- for ---!
(Costume
Designer’s mouth drops open as Non-Film Industry Friend screams)
Non-Film
Industry Friend: You won-you won-you won-you won!!!!
(A
camera operator is in place to film Costume Designer’s trek to the stage)
Costume
Designer: (While being pushed out of the seat by Non-Film Industry Friend) This
wasn’t supposed to happen – (To Non-Film Industry Friend) I’m out $3,000!
Non-Film
Industry Friend: (Applauding wildly and crying) Just get up there, you fool!
(Nearby
audience members assist in pushing Costume Designer down the aisle, stairs, and
main aisle to the stage; for the first time in TV history, there is a cut to a
commercial during this)
Costume
Designer: (While being pulled up the stairs to the stage by the Announcer and
production assistants) Are you sure the accounting firm tallied the ballots
correctly?! I strongly suspect voter
fraud!
(The
Announcer hands over the award, then guides Costume Designer to the microphone
as the latter tries to exit stage right)
Costume
Designer: (After a few seconds staring at all the humans staring back) I really
don’t have a speech prepared…. (Audience laughs)
Non-Film
Industry Friend: (Bellows from way back) Just thank everybody!
Costume
Designer: Oh yeah – thanks, everybody.
(Stares some more) Is my time up yet?
(A production assistant points to the timer counting down) Ten
seconds?! Uh… thanks? Already said that, uhhh… no “I” in “Team”?...
Uhhh…. World peace? (The exit music
starts playing) Oh thank goodness – bye!
(Runs back through the theater, up the stairs, and collapses back into
the seat)
Non-Film
Industry Friend: That was great – can I hold it?
Costume
Designer: (Tosses the award onto Non-Film Industry Friend’s lap) Sure – keep it if you
want.
Non-Film
Industry Friend: (Holds award in a pose) I’d like to thank my parents –
Costume
Designer: Too bad I just now realized I should’ve sent you up there.
(A
production assistant approaches them, gasping for breath after climbing the
stairs in double-time)
Production
Assistant: Excuse me, they need you backstage for photos.
Costume
Designer: Why??
Production
Assistant: Because…
Costume
Designer: Oh fine, I’ll be right there.
(Takes back the award while getting out of the seat) I tell you, it
never ends!
Non-Film
Industry Friend: (Sniffs) This is the most magical evening of my life!
Costume
Designer: (On the way down the aisle) All I have to say is, I better not find
myself here again next year! My foot
fell asleep twice already and we’ve still got another 20 awards to go!
