Story 474: Unexpected Series Cancellation

(On a soundstage representing an open field filled with fake flora, fake fauna, fake water, and a monorail, a television show’s cast and crew members move about purposefully in preparing for the scene they are about to film)

Cast Member 1: (To Makeup Artist applying touch-ups) I agree it adds to the mood and tension of a set piece, but when there’s that little ambient lighting for a night scene, then no one watching will be able to figure out what on Earth is going on, and all that mood and tension’ll mean absolutely nothing!

Makeup Artist: (Gives several final pats on the face with an applicator) Mm-hm – please stop talking.

Cast Member 1: Got it.

Cast Member 2: (Walks over to Cast Member 1 as Makeup Artist finishes and leaves) Hey – you ready for our scene later today or you want to go over it one more time?

Cast Member 1: Eh, I think we’ve prepped enough.  It’s gonna be a lot of yelling so I don’t want to wear out my vocal cords beforehand, know what I mean?

Cast Member 2: I guess.  Still think it might be more effective if you don’t yell.

Cast Member 1: And still agree to disagree.  Don’t yell all you want; I’m ramping it up all the notches.

Cast Member 2: You do you.  Kind of looking forward to it, actually: we’ve been building up to this all season, and I think the writers did a good job with our ultimate showdown.  Should be fun to finally act it out for reals.

Cast Member 1: And to watch.  I think the fans’ll be extremely satisfied the way this plays out – can’t wait to hear the buzz the day after it airs, that’s always a thrill.

Cast Member 2: When’ll that be do you think, six months from now?

Cast Member 1: Your guess is as good as mine with the way the network schedule’s been lately.  (Sighs while surveying the fake sunnily-lit scene) I still have to pinch myself every day that we get to do this for a living.

Cast Member 2: (Surveys the fake landscape as well) Definitely.  And the fans’ve been so supportive, and there’s been so much momentum with the show, for the first time in my career I can almost take a deep breath with the promise of job security.

Cast Member 1: Sweet.  (Showrunner enters the soundstage, surrounded by staff) Whelp, here comes the maestro to give us our monthly pep talk.

Cast Member 2: Hope it’s shorter than the last one; I almost forgot my lines for the day by the time it was over.

Showrunner: All right everybody, huddle up!  Got some news.

(Cast and crew members gather in a large circle)

Cast Member 3: (Mutters to Cast Member 4) Let me guess: we’re all fired.

Cast Member 4: (Laughs) Paranoia.

Cast Member 5: (To Showrunner) Are we getting out early today for the holiday?

Showrunner: Oh, today’s a holiday?

Cast Member 5: Yes, but clearly never mind about that.

Showrunner: Good, `cause it’s about to be ruined.  Just got the word from the studio that after the season finale airs on whenever date, that’s… well… no easy way to say this… I was told that that’s it.  As in, it.

(Stunned silence)

Cast Member 1: “It” being… the season finale?  We know that.

Cast Member 2: I think our leader’s trying to tell us that it’s going to be the series finale.

Cast Member 3: (To Cast Member 4) Called it.

Cast Member 4: (Eyes still wide with shock) That you did.

Cast Member 1: (Shakes head in disbelief) Wait a minute, are you saying that the show got cancelled?  Permanently?!

Showrunner: Yes.

Cast Member 1: …After one season?!

Showrunner: Shocking, I know.  But not unprecedented.

Cast Member 1: “Shocking”?!  It is MIND-BOGGLING.  We were voted the #1 Crime Procedural/Sci-Fi/Sit-Com/Western/Family Drama just last week!

Cast Member 2: And you know the fans really love the show, and even the critics are giving it good reviews – what happened?!

Showrunner: Well –

Cast Member 3: I’ll tell you what happened.  (Everyone turns to Cast Member 3, who starts counting off fingers) We got pre-empted too many times by live sports; the times we are on the air, the episodes get shuffled around so much that some storylines make no sense whatsoever; the studio didn’t know how to market a multi-genre series; and you – (Points to Showrunner) overplayed the long game.

Showrunner: Me?!  What’re you talking about: I fought tooth-and-nail every day to get this show the love it deserved!

Cast Member 3: You also wrote in too many storylines with too many characters and too many open-ended arcs that promise to pay off in five years but deep down we all know they never will!  We may have a core group of dedicated fans, but everyone else lost interest!

Showrunner: Nah-uh!  I perfected the magic formula to get people obsessed!

Cast Member 4: You’re certainly right about that: I’ve gotten the weirdest fan mail asking me if I secretly know where my true father is and why I’m hiding that from my friends on the show.  Do I?  Am I?

Showrunner: Yes and yes, but that was gonna be the big reveal in Season 3.

Cast Member 3: You see!  That’s exactly what I’m talking about – you planned so far ahead that you gave the audience nothing now.  You’re a big tease!

Showrunner: Am not!

Cast Member 3: Oh yeah?  (Gestures to Cast Member 1 and Cast Member 2) What about these two?

Showrunner: What about them?

Cast Member 2: Yes, why am I being dragged into this?

Cast Member 3: As far back as Episode – Freakin’ – 1 – scratch that, as far back as the Pilot – you started right out of the gate with the “will-they-won’t-they” shenanigans, and the only outcomes from doing that super-early are that they break up by the end of Season 2 because everyone’s tired of them, or it’s dragged out so long that they wind up never hooking up at all and one or both of them go off with someone else, and the fans hate it either way!

Cast Member 1: I would like to point out that while that angle may have been introduced a tad early in the series, I think the relationship is being developed tastefully and with mutual respect –

Cast Member 5: (Scrolling through a phone) It says here there were over 5,000 fanfiction stories shipping you two immediately after the Pilot aired.

Cast Member 1: Hm.  (To Cast Member 2) Guess I should’ve toned down the smoldering stares a bit.

Cast Member 2: I’ll say – after every episode airs I keep getting messages: “Why haven’t you two gotten together yet?”  “What are you waiting for?”  “Now kiss!”  “Stop denying you’re made for each other!”

Cast Member 1: Wow.  People sure are impatient.

Cast Member 2: I would be too if a couple with our regrettably intense chemistry got dangled in front of me at the outset, and then the brakes were applied almost immediately.  You gotta give the fans something to daydream about during their tedious work hours.

Cast Member 1: It’s called a SLOW BURN – if you rush it, you ruin it!

Cast Member 4: I thought the issue was it’s moving too fast?

Cast Member 5: I thought our show was about crime and sci-fi and family drama and all those other things; I didn’t think it was a romance.

Cast Member 2: Lotta people latched onto the one romance part.

Cast Member 1: Which is fine, in small doses!  We actually should’ve put the brakes on it even harder and not even held eye contact for longer than three seconds until at least the Season 2 premier!

Showrunner: Which is all a moot point since there now is no Season 2.

Cast Member 4: Aw, and you’d promised I was going to have my very own me-centric episode that had to get pushed back to next season since the studio cut down the number of episodes they’re airing `cause of all the live sports stuff.

Showrunner: Yeah, glad I never did get around to writing that ep.

Cast Member 4: What?!

Showrunner: Which reminds me: five of the episodes we actually did film are going to get cut, too.

Cast Members 1-5: WHAT?!

Showrunner: The only time slots they could give me for the rest of the season this year were after 2 a.m.  Maybe.  If the post-game recap ended early.

Cast Member 1: And whose bright idea was it to air our show after a game every single week?!

Showrunner: There’s some game on every single night, and we’re the newbie on the block so we get the expendable time slots.  Maybe by Season 5 we would’ve been eligible for prime time Sunday night.

Cast Members 1-5: (Stare into space in reverie) Prime time Sunday night….

Cast Member 2: Hold on – is one of the episodes that got cut the one where I did the stunt it took me three months to train for?

Showrunner: (Twitchily) Yes.

Cast Member 2: (Stares coldly at Showrunner) There are no words.

Cast Member 5: And another thing –

Showrunner: Arrrrggghhh, what?!

Cast Member 5: We’re still filming.  If our season finale is now our series finale, no storylines are wrapped up and the script left it on a cliffhanger.  Are you going to rewrite any of it?

Cast Member 1: (To self as eyes widen in horror) Oh no, more lines I’ve gotta memorize….

Showrunner: There’s no time to rewrite; we’re getting shut down as soon as we wrap.  (Waves arms around at the set) This whole soundstage’s getting taken over by a game show next week.

Cast Member 4: You mean they’re not even going to keep all this pretty fake nature around?  Don’t let the crew who built it find that out.

Crew Member 1: Too late, but we’re used to it.

Cast Member 1: Back up a moment – next week?  You scheduled us for another month to finish the two-parter!

Showrunner: Two-parter’s now a one-parter.

Cast Members 1-5: Ohhhhh....

Showrunner: Yeah: I’ve got no time to rewrite, yet I’m expected to chop, chop, chop it all up anyway!

Cast Member 2: So I’m guessing the emotional reunion with our long-lost comrade is one of the scenes on the chopping block.

Showrunner: Yep – I told that actor a little while ago not to bother coming back in; wasn’t happy that their final scene on the show is now being knocked unconscious like a wimp.

Cast Member 3: Don’t tell me the huge scene showing that my character’s had amnesia this whole time without knowing it is now, what, gone too?!

Showrunner: Yeah, that plotline seems rather pointless now.

Cast Member 4: Will we still get to film the big chase scene with all the cars and the trucks and the spaceships and the horses and… (Trails off as the other stare back) Answered my own question.

Cast Member 1: (To Showrunner) Bottom line: what’s the actual last scene to the series now?  Are we at least keeping the whole epic conclusion where we sail off into the supernova while singing “Happy Birthday”?

Showrunner: Our special effects budget was reallocated to the game show, so everything going forward has to be practical effects or reused footage.

Cast Member 1: We’ve been reduced to black box theater; I get it.

Cast Member 2: Speaking of theater, I think now’s the perfect time for me to return to Broadway – it seems that’s where I really belong after all.

Cast Member 1: Oh come on, everyone leaves Broadway to do TV and movies!  You only go back when you’re an actual star so the audience claps for your entrances and no one else’s!

Cast Member 2: Well at least I have something to fall back on – this was supposed to be your big break, and now the proverbial rug’s been proverbially pulled out from under your proverbial unprepared feet.

Cast Member 1: Don’t I know it!  (To Showrunner) Do you realize how many gigs I turned down because this show was supposed to be The One?!

Showrunner: You’re telling me!  This – (Waves arms around at the set again) was my show!  All of it, every last piece of fakery, was my baby!

Cast Member 1: Oh please: you’ve got five other shows and two movies going on as we speak!

Showrunner: Well….

Cast Member 1: (Gasps in horror) You probably wanted this one to fail, so you could concentrate on the others that’ll make more money, and meanwhile this show will be forever enshrined in “Cult Classic” status and everyone will feel sorry for you for how it all went down – DIABOLICAL!

Crew Member 2: Excuse me – (The others turn to listen) if we’re not actually going to work today, can we call it quits and start prepping for the game show?

Showrunner: No-no, everyone’s still working on this show until the bitter end; we owe it to the fans if nothing else!  And all your contracts say so.

Others: Aw, yeah, right, union, guild….

Showrunner: So!  Much shorter scripts will be sent to you this afternoon; get your belongings out of your cubby holes before next Friday; let’s finish this beautiful thing we created together on the highest note that will resound throughout the halls of classic TV-dom forever; don’t let the fans down!  (Exits the soundstage, surrounded by staff)

Cast Member 1: (To Cast Members 2-5) I don’t know about you, but whatever character motivation I had is all gone now.

Cast Member 2: Same.  I think the wind’s been taken out of our sails for that scene we’re maybe doing later: it’ll be hard to get all emotional about characters whose arcs got cut extremely short.

Cast Member 5: Well, it was fun while it lasted, right?

Cast Member 3: Yeah, I did have a blast even knowing the whole time we’d never make it past Season 1.  I’m honestly surprised we made it past Episode 1.

Cast Member 4: You think the fans’ll still like the show in 20-something years as much as they do now?

Cast Member 1: I think so.  The only good thing to come out of all this is that it got cancelled before it got bad.

Story 454: Creating a Fan-Favorite Franchise

            (Writer 1 sits at a kitchen table doodling in a notebook with one hand while propped up on the other; sighing, the latest doodle is “IDEA???????? L”.  Writer 2 suddenly enters the room and plops a stack of DVD covers on the table)

Writer 2: I’ve got it!  At last, I’ve got it!

Writer 1: (Straightens up in shock) Dude, I didn’t even hear the door open, how’d you get in here?!

Writer 2: We’re writing partners: our lives are forever one now.  (Pulls out a chair and sits)

Writer 1: Ummmmm….

Writer 2: So: want to hear my brilliant flash of genius?

Writer 1: (Resignedly tosses the pen aside and sits back) Sure, fine – anything would be more than the bupkis I’ve got lately.

Writer 2: Yes, we’ve both been in a bit of a dry spell since our trial-by-fire on the late-late-late-late night show –

Writer 1: (Shudders) I never want to think about that debacle ever again: it should’ve been our big break, but by the end if they hadn’t fired us I’d’ve quit.

Writer 2: The timing of that was unfortunate; however, it was a blessing in disguise in that it gave us – and by “us,” I mean “me” – time to come up with the brilliant flash of genius.

Writer 1: Oh yes, all that time to spend all my lack of money on all my bills.  And the flash of genius is…?

Writer 2: We write our own show!

Writer 1: That’s literally been the plan this whole time.  Bupkis has been the result!

Writer 2: Sorry, let me rephrase that: we write our own hit show!

Writer 2: Well yeah, everyone wants a hit show.  Reality interferes.

Writer 2: Yes, but the ones who do write a hit show basically stumble onto it by accident with talented writing and wonderful actors and fantastic cinematography and inspired music and whatever – to my knowledge, no one has actually cracked the code for deliberately creating a hit show.  Until now.

Writer 1: (Rubs tired eyes) Let me guess, you?

Writer 2: How’d you know?

Writer 1: What?!  Just – go ahead and tell me what you so cleverly deduced.

Writer 2: Gladly.  (Holds up one of the DVD covers) Remember this series?

Writer 1: Who doesn’t?

Writer 2: (Sets that down and holds up another cover) Uh-huh – and this?

Writer 1: Hated it, but yes.

Writer 2: (Sets that down and holds up another cover) And this?

Writer 1: Never even looked at my spec script for a Season 3 episode, so definitely yeah.

Writer 2: (Sets that down and holds up another cover) And, the ultimate in recent television classics, this?

Writer 1: Overrated, but yes.

Writer 2: “Overra – ”?  This was a piece of PURE ARTISTRY!

Writer 1: Artistry, pretension, tomato, to – mah- to.

Writer 2: (Through gritted teeth) Agree to disagree.  (Gently sets down the cover and straightens the newly created pile) The point is, these all contain elements of a magic formula that, when executed properly, creates that most coveted item of all in the entertainment industry.

Writer 1: Money?

Writer 2: Well, obviously, that’s the endgame – what leads to infinite amounts of that is the coveted item: Fan Obsession.

Writer 1: (Sits up straighter) Go on.

Writer 2: The strategy is simple: all we need to do is, take the best elements of these series – (Waves hands over the pile) and, um….

Writer 1: (Nods) Steal.

Writer 2: Pay homage to what makes them work so well.  If we combine enough of them and throw in one or two actual original ideas, no one will even notice the rip-offs!

Writer 1: Uh-huh.  (Starts casually sorting through the covers) And that’s it, huh?  Instant hit?

Writer 2: We-ell, that’s best-case-scenario.  We might have “Cult Favorite” status at first and nearly get cancelled several times, but the most important part is to capture fan devotion immediately.  They will be the ones powering this machine long-term, and once the studio realizes our work is at least a decade’s-long franchise they’ll practically throw the money at us.

Writer 1: (Gnaws lip) I don’t know – it sounds great in theory, but being too dependent on the fans to keep… whatever this’ll be, going, just means down the road we’ll have to start doing fan-service stories and classify the scripts as Top Secret and film misleading scenes and fake storylines and actually talk to them at conventions, and by the time the finale rolls around they’ll hate everything we do, turn on us, and curse our names.

Writer 2: Not necessarily, and even so it’ll be too late by then – we’ll already have the money!

Writer 1: You make an excellent point.

Writer 2: Great!  (Picks up Writer 1 by the elbows and tosses the latter onto the living room couch) Now, your job is to watch or rewatch all these hit shows and take lots and lots of notes – we’ll compare when you’re done.  (Brings in the DVDs, Writer 1’s notepad, and the pen, and tosses them onto the couch) These are only Season 1s, so let me know as you finish and I’ll keep supplying you with the rest.

Writer 1: But – but – but that’ll take me years!

Writer 2: (On the way out) Better start now!

 SIX MONTHS LATER

(Writer 1 and Writer 2 are seated at a park bench)

Writer 2: See!  I knew you were exaggerating.

Writer 1: (Face is pallid and there are bags under the eyes) This is the first day I’ve breathed the outdoor air in… what year is it?

Writer 2: Doesn’t matter – what are your findings?

Writer 1: (Shakily takes out a notepad that has writing all over the pages, including the margins) OK, common elements I found in each hit series….

Writer 2: Yes?

Writer 1: Number one: Grit.

Writer 2: Huh?

Writer 1: The material.  It’s gritty.  Extreme violence, rampant drug use, relatives who lethally hate each other, way too much sex that does absolutely nothing to advance the plot, exploitation of mental illness, showcasing the worst of humanity with no real suggestions for improvement –

Writer 2: Yes-yes-yes, I’ve already got all that – what else?

Writer 1: (Flips a page on the notepad) Lots of cursing.  As in, so many f-bombs.

Writer 2: Goes without saying.

Writer 1: (Drags a finger down the page) It either needs to be snowing all the time or over 100° Fahrenheit, but that can change from season-to-season or even mid-season.

Writer 2: Good, didn’t catch that one.

Writer 1: That also means we need to film on location.

Writer 2: Such as…?

Writer 1: All of them.  More as the budget increases.

Writer 2: (Nods) Yeah, that’ll finally get me my trip to Fiji, sweet.

Writer 1: (Flips another page) The leads at least have to be gorgeous – everyone else can be, you know, average-looking.

Writer 2: (Dismissively waves hand) That’s down the road – we’ll give notes to the casting director.

Writer 1: Hiring a big name ties into that, then.

Writer 2: About that: it goes against my instincts, but try not to write with anyone particular in mind, in case they’re not available or really don’t want to be in this; the whole concept’ll be ruined if we base it on someone who winds up not being there.

Writer 1: (Squeezes in a note on the crowded page) Gotcha.  OK, ummm…. (Flips another page) Ooh: there has to be a mystery introduced in the pilot that even we don’t know the answer to, but we’ll have 10 years to figure it out.  Maybe.

Writer 2: I did have something similar.  (Pulls out a notepad and flips through the pages) Ah yes: basically, get them hooked in Episode 1 on something that’ll be brought up sporadically throughout the series, then either never resolve it or resolve it in a way that leaves it as a problem for one or multiple spin-off series.

Writer 1: Didn’t even consider the possibility of spin-offs; intriguing.

Writer 2: Well, we are developing a franchise here: it can’t just end with the series finale, that’s too finite.

Writer 1: Makes sense.  What else you got?

Writer 2: Oh, let’s see…. (Flips a page) You’ll like this: two-to-three romantic pairings and/or triangles dragged out for years and years.  The fan fiction possibilities will be astronomical.

Writer 1: (Squeezes in more notes) Excellent point – fan fiction is the best-kept secret ingredient to franchise longevity.

Writer 2: I know, and I love reading the especially smutty ones with random pairings I never even thought of! 

Writer 1: I’d say you’re strange, but who am I to judge?

Writer 2: Exactly.  Well, I think we’re off to a good start here – want to get into actually writing the thing now or let this digest for a few more months?

Writer 1: Quick question: audience-wise, you want to gear this toward the 14-and-up bracket or Mature Audiences?

Writer 2: What do you think?

Writer 1: (Writes on the notepad) Mature Audiences it is.

ELEVEN YEARS LATER

(On a beach, Writer 1 and Writer 2 relax in lounge chairs watching the ocean as the sun gloriously sets in front of them)

Writer 1: You know, from here, I can almost not hear the masses typing how much we ruined our own show.

Writer 2: You knew the deal going in: in exchange for their love at the beginning, the fans eventually turn that love into hatred at the end.

Writer 1: Never quite prepared when it happens, though.

Writer 2: (Uses feet to play with the sand a bit) To be fair, I suppose character assassinating all their favorites and making multi-season struggles come to absolutely nothing when we blew up the entire fictional planet in the last frame of the series was a bit much on our part.

Writer 1: Yeah – guess we went a little overboard there.  I was so focused on the other hit shows’ beginnings and prime years that I forgot to pay closer attention to the few endings people were sort-of happy with.

Writer 2: I share the blame in that as well.  Typical fatal flaw of success: not knowing how to end a good thing.

Writer 1: Hm.  (Stares at the crashing ocean waves for a few moments before turning back to Writer 2) We should write a satisfying ending before starting our next hit series, then.

Writer 2: Waaaaay ahead of you.

Story 402: Replacement Pianist

 (Backstage, 20 minutes before showtime)

Singer: (To Stage Manager as the latter rushes over) Hi, yeah, have you heard from my partner yet?  They’re usually here before I am, and the conspicuous absence is making me feel nervous for the first time in my professional life.  I don’t like it much.

Stage Manager: We actually just got word they’re stuck in traffic with horrendous roadwork and can’t get here until… (Checks watch) tomorrow, so, we called in our house pianist who’ll be playing for you tonight instead, yay!

Pianist: (Appears suddenly) `Sup.

Singer: Ohhhh, hello, um, I’m not sure this is gonna work – we’ve never played together before.

Pianist: No prob: just give me the notes, I’ll bang `em out.  (Yawns)

Singer: Yeah, that’s great; the thing is, my partner and I have a whole routine for the show and we continually play off each other, know what I mean?

Pianist: Sure-sure, if you give me the lines I’ll say whatever you want.

Singer: That’s not – it’s a whole chemistry thing we’ve built up over years of performing together –

Pianist: Guess the audience’ll have to settle for competent instrumentalization instead; just don’t ad lib on me, m’kay?

Singer: Practically the whole show’s an ad lib!  I also interact with the audience, and it can go in any direction!  The show is a living, breathing thing!

Pianist: Wow.  No wonder they’re charging a hundred bucks a ticket here: this all sounds very involved.

Singer: A hundred – ?!

Stage Manager: (To Singer) Look, unless your partner can video in playing the keyboard while crawling along the freeway, this is the best we can do without cancelling the show last minute.

Singer: (Whips out a cell phone) That is an excellent idea – I know there’s a spare keyboard in the car trunk, technology works wonders, we can do this!  (Calls Partner)

Partner: (Listens to the proposed show format while sitting five lanes deep in non-moving traffic) Are you kidding me?!

Singer: (Disconnects the call and turns to the other two) I’m ready when you are.

Stage Manager: Great!  (Runs away to cue everyone)

Pianist: So, this show got an intermission?

Singer: Intermissions ruin my momentum.

Pianist: Then we may have a problem about 45 minutes in.

(Showtime)

Stage Manager: (On stage, addressing Audience) …And now, without further ado, let’s give a big round of applause to tonight’s star performer!

(Audience applauds as Singer enters, beaming and waving; Pianist heads straight for the piano and begins scanning the pages of music and a set list there)

Singer: (Arrives at the microphone and a small table where there are notes and a glass of water) Hello, all!  I already love you.

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Singer: Now, let’s begin with one of my favorites.  (Whispers to Pianist) Number 3 on the list.

Pianist: (Whispers to Singer) You sure you wanna open with that one?  (Singer glares at Pianist, who takes out the corresponding sheet music and begins playing)

Singer: (To Audience) You know, when I first began my stage career, it was at a local theater just like this.

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: How long you want me to keep playing the intro?

Singer: I’ll signal you – (To Audience) I was in high school, and –

Pianist: A nod, a wave, a scream, what?

Singer: …I’ll say “Go.”

Pianist: (Shrugs) Your show.

Singer: (To Audience) I auditioned for the summer musical and I had never sung in front of an audience before that wasn’t a shower nozzle and bar of soap –

Pianist: Any idea how long this is gonna go on, ballpark?  My fingers are getting bored.

Singer: …Go.

(They perform several songs in a row; Singer skips over most of the pre-planned patter)

Singer: This next song is one I’ll always treasure, since it was in the show that was my Broadway debut.

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: Funny story: I actually saw you in that.  You’ve gotten better.

Singer: (Smiling through gritted teeth) You’re a trip!

(They get halfway through the song)

Pianist: (Stops playing) Hold on – those aren’t the lyrics for that line.

Singer: (Laughing) Oh yes, audiences are used to a little artistic license on the classics, aren’t you all?  (Audience applauds)

Pianist: I don’t think the original songwriter’d recognize that license – you might be in for a copyright infringement lawsuit if word gets out.  The Dramatists Guild’d have a field day, and rightfully so.

Singer: (Smiling strainedly) Let’s take it from the top, shall we?

Pianist: Argh, I’ve gotta play this one all over again?!  (Starts the song over with more insistent depressing of the keys)

(Finale)

Singer: (After finishing on a majestic note to thunderous applause) Thank you!  You’ve been a wonderful audience!  (They keep cheering) OK, should we do one more?

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: No.

Singer: Number 35!

(They perform three more songs)

Singer: Thank you, I love you, good night!

Pianist: Ahem!

Singer: And let’s give a hand to tonight’s pianist who is not my regular accompanist!  (Applauds Pianist)

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: You all cheer at anything.

(Backstage)

Stage Manager: That was great!  And demand was so high for this show that we want you to do another one here tomorrow night!  Your manager said you were available.

Singer: Did they now.  Well, my partner should be out of traffic by then, so I’m sure the magic tonight won’t be repeated.  (To Pianist) It’s been real.

Pianist: Yeah, I’ve had worse.

Singer: I haven’t.  (Starts to leave)

Pianist: Hey, one more thing?

Singer: (Turns back sharply) What?!

Pianist: Can I have your autograph?

Story 252: Kayaking as a Compatibility Test

            Host: Welcome, friends, to today’s installment of Are You Meant for Each Other, or Is This All Just a Waste of Time?  The premise is simple: sure, you two have fun going to the bar; you have a ball at the multiplex; you feel the magic in the air at the local rave; but, do you have what it takes for the long haul in the unforgiving decathlon that is called “Life”?  In previous episodes, we have tossed couples into the jaws of every conceivable trial that involves some form of teamwork: we have had them mountain climbing; we have had them tandem biking; we have had them selling solar panel installations door-to-door; this time, my friends, we have three couples whose compatibility, physical endurance, and ability to follow directions will be put to the ultimate test as they embark upon: tandem kayaking in gentle waters.

            Tour Guide: (In a solo kayak, at rest in a creek surrounded by marshland) During the summer, I take tourists out to see the osprey nests and the overgrown railroad tracks and all the docked yachts nobody can afford; most of them go in solo kayaks `cause it’s, you know, easier.  This should be interesting.  (Leads the three couples in their tandem kayaks away from the dock and into the creek)

            Host: (Standing at the edge of the dock) And they’re off, happy as the clams you find in out in the bay, each secure in the knowledge of their love and the sense of their own physical fitness.

            Tour Guide: (To the three couples) So first, I’m going to take all y’all through the creek and give you a few nature lessons that are sorely needed.  (Couple 1 begin turning too far to the left) Just stick your paddle in the water and push forward like I showed you earlier.  (The paddle is dropped into the water)

            Host: (Standing on a paddle board) There you have it: already there appears to be trouble in paradise as the rear paddler attempts to whack the front paddler upside the head and also drops their paddle into the drink.  Fortunately for our budget, the water here has a depth of 5 feet.

            (Couple 2 crash into the Tour Guide’s kayak)

            Host: And there it is, our first collision – thankfully, all participants remain inside their vessels and the drenching is mild.  Up ahead, Couple 3 appear to be doing extremely well with excellent form, nice synchronous movements – it is almost as if they are in the disgusting mushy stage of the relationship where they practically read other’s thoughts.  Let’s throw a few obstacles at them, shall we?

            (Couple 3 smoothly round a bend and come upon a swarm of paddle boarders, other random kayakers, and a few inner-tubers)

            Host: Here we are, folks, our first true test of this promising couple’s future.  Will they be able to navigate around these thoughtless faux surfers, aqua adventurers, and extreme yoga enthusiasts, and emerge at the other side still able to speak to one another, or will they simply knock over all these clowns?

            (Couple 3 swing to the far right to go around the group and accidentally beach themselves on the marsh grass)

            Host: Oh no, and they were doing so well!  Plus now there’ll probably be a fine for marsh damage!  Let’s see if the cracks in the immaculate foundation of this previously contended crew have begun.  (Hops from the paddle board to a motorboat and putters over to them)  As we approach cautiously, we should be able to hear which one blames the other for this metaphorical catastrophe.

            (As the Host arrives, it is seen that Couple 3 are looking at the tiny crabs that had emerged from the disturbed marsh)

            Host: Hm, they appear to be appreciating this unexpected detour.  (Couple 3 laugh, then use the paddles to free themselves from the mud and continue on their way) And they have resumed their journey, in these waters and in their lives.  Now they’ve become uninteresting, let’s check in on how the others are doing, hm?

            (Motors back a bit and sees that Couple 1 are zigzagging their way through the creek as they overcompensate on each attempt to keep the kayak straight)

            Host: Progress is progress, I suppose.

            (Couple 2 have crashed through the other groups of water tourists, capsizing them and yelling at each other)

            Host: Oh dear.  (To someone off-camera) Does our insurance cover something like this?

            Tour Guide: (To all three Couples) All right, if you guys want you can follow me out into the harbor for the last half-hour of the tour.

            (Without a word to each other, Couple 1 jump out of their kayak, pick it up, and carry it over their heads back to the dock by walking through the shallow creek)

            Host: I suppose having the same idea counts for something.

            (Couple 2 stop dead in the water to argue for the rest of the show)

            Host: Seems about right.

            (Couple 3 continue paddling gracefully through the harbor, enjoying the scenery and not overtaxing themselves as they complete the tour)

            Host: Ah, there they go, as beautifully as a song.  I think these kids’ll make it.  (Turns back to the camera) Well, that’s all for today’s episode of AYMFEO,OITAJAWOT?  Thank you for joining us; please tune in next week when we take three new couples out on a HALO jump.  Until then, please enjoy the credits as we tow Couple 2 back to the dock and search for Couple 1, who seem to have made off with the gear.