(Writer 1 sits at a kitchen table doodling in a notebook with one hand while propped up on the other; sighing, the latest doodle is “IDEA???????? L”. Writer 2 suddenly enters the room and plops a stack of DVD covers on the table)
Writer 2: I’ve got it! At last, I’ve got it!
Writer 1: (Straightens up in shock) Dude, I didn’t even hear the door open, how’d you get in here?!
Writer 2: We’re writing partners: our lives are forever one now. (Pulls out a chair and sits)
Writer 1: Ummmmm….
Writer 2: So: want to hear my brilliant flash of genius?
Writer 1: (Resignedly tosses the pen aside and sits back) Sure, fine – anything would be more than the bupkis I’ve got lately.
Writer 2: Yes, we’ve both been in a bit of a dry spell since our trial-by-fire on the late-late-late-late night show –
Writer 1: (Shudders) I never want to think about that debacle ever again: it should’ve been our big break, but by the end if they hadn’t fired us I’d’ve quit.
Writer 2: The timing of that was unfortunate; however, it was a blessing in disguise in that it gave us – and by “us,” I mean “me” – time to come up with the brilliant flash of genius.
Writer 1: Oh yes, all that time to spend all my lack of money on all my bills. And the flash of genius is…?
Writer 2: We write our own show!
Writer 1: That’s literally been the plan this whole time. Bupkis has been the result!
Writer 2: Sorry, let me rephrase that: we write our own hit show!
Writer 2: Well yeah, everyone wants a hit show. Reality interferes.
Writer 2: Yes, but the ones who do write a hit show basically stumble onto it by accident with talented writing and wonderful actors and fantastic cinematography and inspired music and whatever – to my knowledge, no one has actually cracked the code for deliberately creating a hit show. Until now.
Writer 1: (Rubs tired eyes) Let me guess, you?
Writer 2: How’d you know?
Writer 1: What?! Just – go ahead and tell me what you so cleverly deduced.
Writer 2: Gladly. (Holds up one of the DVD covers) Remember this series?
Writer 1: Who doesn’t?
Writer 2: (Sets that down and holds up another cover) Uh-huh – and this?
Writer 1: Hated it, but yes.
Writer 2: (Sets that down and holds up another cover) And this?
Writer 1: Never even looked at my spec script for a Season 3 episode, so definitely yeah.
Writer 2: (Sets that down and holds up another cover) And, the ultimate in recent television classics, this?
Writer 1: Overrated, but yes.
Writer 2: “Overra – ”? This was a piece of PURE ARTISTRY!
Writer 1: Artistry, pretension, tomato, to – mah- to.
Writer 2: (Through gritted teeth) Agree to disagree. (Gently sets down the cover and straightens the newly created pile) The point is, these all contain elements of a magic formula that, when executed properly, creates that most coveted item of all in the entertainment industry.
Writer 1: Money?
Writer 2: Well, obviously, that’s the endgame – what leads to infinite amounts of that is the coveted item: Fan Obsession.
Writer 1: (Sits up straighter) Go on.
Writer 2: The strategy is simple: all we need to do is, take the best elements of these series – (Waves hands over the pile) and, um….
Writer 1: (Nods) Steal.
Writer 2: Pay homage to what makes them work so well. If we combine enough of them and throw in one or two actual original ideas, no one will even notice the rip-offs!
Writer 1: Uh-huh. (Starts casually sorting through the covers) And that’s it, huh? Instant hit?
Writer 2: We-ell, that’s best-case-scenario. We might have “Cult Favorite” status at first and nearly get cancelled several times, but the most important part is to capture fan devotion immediately. They will be the ones powering this machine long-term, and once the studio realizes our work is at least a decade’s-long franchise they’ll practically throw the money at us.
Writer 1: (Gnaws lip) I don’t know – it sounds great in theory, but being too dependent on the fans to keep… whatever this’ll be, going, just means down the road we’ll have to start doing fan-service stories and classify the scripts as Top Secret and film misleading scenes and fake storylines and actually talk to them at conventions, and by the time the finale rolls around they’ll hate everything we do, turn on us, and curse our names.
Writer 2: Not necessarily, and even so it’ll be too late by then – we’ll already have the money!
Writer 1: You make an excellent point.
Writer 2: Great! (Picks up Writer 1 by the elbows and tosses the latter onto the living room couch) Now, your job is to watch or rewatch all these hit shows and take lots and lots of notes – we’ll compare when you’re done. (Brings in the DVDs, Writer 1’s notepad, and the pen, and tosses them onto the couch) These are only Season 1s, so let me know as you finish and I’ll keep supplying you with the rest.
Writer 1: But – but – but that’ll take me years!
Writer 2: (On the way out) Better start now!
SIX MONTHS LATER
(Writer 1 and Writer 2 are seated at a park bench)
Writer 2: See! I knew you were exaggerating.
Writer 1: (Face is pallid and there are bags under the eyes) This is the first day I’ve breathed the outdoor air in… what year is it?
Writer 2: Doesn’t matter – what are your findings?
Writer 1: (Shakily takes out a notepad that has writing all over the pages, including the margins) OK, common elements I found in each hit series….
Writer 2: Yes?
Writer 1: Number one: Grit.
Writer 2: Huh?
Writer 1: The material. It’s gritty. Extreme violence, rampant drug use, relatives who lethally hate each other, way too much sex that does absolutely nothing to advance the plot, exploitation of mental illness, showcasing the worst of humanity with no real suggestions for improvement –
Writer 2: Yes-yes-yes, I’ve already got all that – what else?
Writer 1: (Flips a page on the notepad) Lots of cursing. As in, so many f-bombs.
Writer 2: Goes without saying.
Writer 1: (Drags a finger down the page) It either needs to be snowing all the time or over 100° Fahrenheit, but that can change from season-to-season or even mid-season.
Writer 2: Good, didn’t catch that one.
Writer 1: That also means we need to film on location.
Writer 2: Such as…?
Writer 1: All of them. More as the budget increases.
Writer 2: (Nods) Yeah, that’ll finally get me my trip to Fiji, sweet.
Writer 1: (Flips another page) The leads at least have to be gorgeous – everyone else can be, you know, average-looking.
Writer 2: (Dismissively waves hand) That’s down the road – we’ll give notes to the casting director.
Writer 1: Hiring a big name ties into that, then.
Writer 2: About that: it goes against my instincts, but try not to write with anyone particular in mind, in case they’re not available or really don’t want to be in this; the whole concept’ll be ruined if we base it on someone who winds up not being there.
Writer 1: (Squeezes in a note on the crowded page) Gotcha. OK, ummm…. (Flips another page) Ooh: there has to be a mystery introduced in the pilot that even we don’t know the answer to, but we’ll have 10 years to figure it out. Maybe.
Writer 2: I did have something similar. (Pulls out a notepad and flips through the pages) Ah yes: basically, get them hooked in Episode 1 on something that’ll be brought up sporadically throughout the series, then either never resolve it or resolve it in a way that leaves it as a problem for one or multiple spin-off series.
Writer 1: Didn’t even consider the possibility of spin-offs; intriguing.
Writer 2: Well, we are developing a franchise here: it can’t just end with the series finale, that’s too finite.
Writer 1: Makes sense. What else you got?
Writer 2: Oh, let’s see…. (Flips a page) You’ll like this: two-to-three romantic pairings and/or triangles dragged out for years and years. The fan fiction possibilities will be astronomical.
Writer 1: (Squeezes in more notes) Excellent point – fan fiction is the best-kept secret ingredient to franchise longevity.
Writer 2: I know, and I love reading the especially smutty ones with random pairings I never even thought of!
Writer 1: I’d say you’re strange, but who am I to judge?
Writer 2: Exactly. Well, I think we’re off to a good start here – want to get into actually writing the thing now or let this digest for a few more months?
Writer 1: Quick question: audience-wise, you want to gear this toward the 14-and-up bracket or Mature Audiences?
Writer 2: What do you think?
Writer 1: (Writes on the notepad) Mature Audiences it is.
ELEVEN YEARS LATER
(On a beach, Writer 1 and Writer 2 relax in lounge chairs watching the ocean as the sun gloriously sets in front of them)
Writer 1: You know, from here, I can almost not hear the masses typing how much we ruined our own show.
Writer 2: You knew the deal going in: in exchange for their love at the beginning, the fans eventually turn that love into hatred at the end.
Writer 1: Never quite prepared when it happens, though.
Writer 2: (Uses feet to play with the sand a bit) To be fair, I suppose character assassinating all their favorites and making multi-season struggles come to absolutely nothing when we blew up the entire fictional planet in the last frame of the series was a bit much on our part.
Writer 1: Yeah – guess we went a little overboard there. I was so focused on the other hit shows’ beginnings and prime years that I forgot to pay closer attention to the few endings people were sort-of happy with.
Writer 2: I share the blame in that as well. Typical fatal flaw of success: not knowing how to end a good thing.
Writer 1: Hm. (Stares at the crashing ocean waves for a few moments before turning back to Writer 2) We should write a satisfying ending before starting our next hit series, then.
Writer 2: Waaaaay ahead of you.
