Story 417: Thanksgiving and Giving and Giving and….

 (In a family dining room on Thanksgiving, a long table and several extensions are surrounded by seated relatives in order of descending age.  The main poultry and bajillion sides cover the tables, and everyone waits to begin)

Relative 1: (Raises a glass) All right all, before we start the gluttony let’s have a few words of thanks – not from everyone, that would take forever – (The others relax with a sigh) but how about one of the quote-unquote “Senior Members” of our family, eh?  (Elbows Relative 2 in the next seat) That’d be you.

Relative 2: Heh?  Oh yeah, I guess that would be me.  Suppose I can whip up a few words to start us off.  (Stands and raises a glass) Firstly, I’m thankful we’re all here together for yet another year of these shenanigans.

Other Relatives: Awwwww.

Relative 2: Yes, it does my heart good to see two, three, four… five?  Five generations at this table – (Baby cries on cue and is whisked away, not to be seen again for the rest of the meal) and how lucky we are that we’re still able to meet like this, year after year after year after year after… anyway, we’re lucky this one here – (Gestures to Relative 3) still volunteers to host this thing, what, 17 years running now?

Relative 3: Twenty, actually – please don’t let that discourage you all from wanting to take over next year though, it’s a lot of fun, really!  (Looks expectantly around the table as everyone else stares at their plate)

Relative 2: Ah yes, the delicious food, the same every time but we all love it: the day-long-cooked turkey, the lumpy mashed potatoes – (Relative 4 looks up sharply) the cranberries that never come out quite right – (Relative 5 slowly tears a roll into pieces) the salad that’s supposed to be good for digestion but comes too late for all of us at that point – (Relative 6 sharply breaks the wishbone) and this other thing in a casserole dish that I never eat and never remember what exactly it is –

Relative 7: Succotash!  Every year, it’s succotash!

Relative 2: Yeah, gonna forget that in five seconds – all this, down our gullets in a good 10 minutes after literal days of prep, and everyone really is just biding their time for the apple pie and brownies later anyway – (Relative 3 softly grinds teeth) reminds me of the time back in 198…7?  Or was it `86?  I think my second kid was born by then….

(At one of the junior tables, Relative 8 is unobtrusively reading on a cell phone and brings up the headline: “Did You Know: The UK Title of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Was Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone?”  Relative 8’s eyes slowly widen in horror)

Relative 2: You know, I think it was actually 1993, right before we had that freak ice blizzard, you know, the one with the five-foot-deep frozen snow?  Anyway, back in `93 – or was it `94?  I think we had another ice blizzard then, too – when whoever it was hosting was so focused on all the sides that they forgot the actual turkey!  Clean-up certainly was a lot faster that year.  It’s funny, all my life I don’t think I’ve once done the dishes after a family get-together, although I have put away all the chairs and tables each and every time, which is a pain in the neck and a pain in the back, let me tell you…. Speaking of chairs –

Relative 9: OH MY GOSH, can we eat already, please?!

Relative 2: I’d say that was rude, if I wasn’t secretly hoping someone would stop me – the panic was starting to set in.

Story 367: Time Travel Through Film

 I’m finally going to do it: I’m going to be the first time traveler in history 

The first human time traveler, anyway: those pesky quantum particles already beat us to it, but my achievement’ll make up for that in scale.

Don’t laugh in your self-satisfied derision: I’m deadly serious in my endeavor.  Sure, I never did well in any of my science classes; OK, I never had any interest in quantum physics until just now, when I’ll be working all Thanksgiving weekend and spending that time wishing I was a kid on school break again; all right, I’m taking a totally unscientific approach to the whole thing; but really, when has anything great ever been accomplished without a whole lotta heart, plus a whole dose of gut feeling?  Did human beings make it all the way to the Moon using dry old MATH?!

They did?  Onward.

My method is simple: no fancy machines, no complicated serum, no incomprehensible formulae – just simple, exact duplication of events as they previously occurred.  Once that is achieved, the Brain will take care of the rest.

I concluded the best way to do this is through film, since it’s one of the few media that fully immerses the senses of sight and sound, if you have either or both; touch, taste, and smell usually then can be overridden and therefore ignored.

Since nostalgia is the current zeitgeist, the local cinema is showing a classic from the way-back year of 1995, now 25 years ago (?!) in our present day of garbage.  I was a preteen at the time, but this go-around I’ll have to drive myself to the movie theater, `cause my Mommy’ll be out with her friends and refuses to give me a ride.

To prepare, I found the movie’s original trailer online (thanks, technology!) and watched as if I was seeing it on television for the first time.... Hey, spoiler alert, they totally showed the spaceship getting blown up and that was a huge deal in the plot!  I mean, it happens so far away from the camera you can’t really tell it was that ship unless you’ve already seen the movie, but still!  Why would you put something that dramatically pivotal IN THE TRAILER?!

The theater itself has been remodeled several times in the intervening decades, so the experiment will have to begin after I’m seated and the lights have been extinguished.  I’ll also have to resist the temptation to recline the comfy seat, since 1995-era theaters were slight-tilt, hard-cushioned affairs.  Again, the sense of touch will be overridden: fortuitously, the same background popcorn smell forever remains.

The lights dim; the screen shifts from soda commercials to present-day trailers – too modern!  Experiment on pause for the next 20 minutes… 30 minutes….

Car commercial… soda commercial again… ooh, 25^th anniversary retrospective, neat!... So that’s how they filmed the crash sequence, I never realized…. Yes I know they didn’t crash an actual spaceship on an actual alien planet, I just wondered how they did it without so much CGI…. Huh.  Now the effect’s slightly ruined for me for all time.  Didn’t expect that to be one of the outcomes from all this.

OK!  Studio’s logo is up on the screen [Checks watch for start time] – music begins – opening credits – here we go!  Time travel commencing in 3 – 2 – 1 –

Aw, I forgot that actor’s dead now.  And so’s that one.  And so’s that one.  Oh, that one had a stroke recently, that’s a shame.  And that one’s had a nice career comeback, in music though.  And that one….

Hm: special effects’ve held up pretty well, but I can tell now that background’s totally a matte painting….

Ooh, I love this part coming up!  So emotional…. [Sniffs] The noble self-sacrifice gets me every time....

Wow, this takes place in the future but those shoulder pads sure do scream `90s….

I wonder if everyone else on set knew that one was a creep while they were filming this, or if they were all shocked when the truth came out 15 years later….

Oh yeah, I was completely swept up in this B-story – too bad it all comes to nothing in about 20 minutes….

Aaaaaaand here’s the spaceship crash….  Oh wow, the exterior shots really are just models and miniatures.  The editing and directing are fantastic, though….

Didn’t realize that dream sequence was so short – felt a lot longer the first time I saw it….

And that’s it, it’s over, bit abrupt – [Checks watch] – the whole thing was less than two hours?!  Talk about economy of storytelling.

The lights flare on again, the rest of the audience leaves, and I remain in my hard-cushioned, non-reclining seat, reviewing the outcomes of my time travel experiment.

Result: Failure.

Conclusion: Despite external stimuli, the Brain was too much in the present to travel to the past.  However, there were brief moments of near-success, where the present self lost track of time and the sensations of 25 years ago were almost-duplicated.

New Hypothesis: Discover method of total immersion in external stimuli to force the Brain into a past state.

Should only take another 25 years to figure it out.

Story 317: No Thanks for What You’re Giving

            (Friend 2 gets into the passenger side of a car driven by Friend 1)

        Friend 2: (Once seated, sees that there are wadded-up tissues everywhere) Ewwwww!!!!!  Are you sick?!

           Friend 1: (Speaks with a clogged head and an interrupted throat) No, I don’t feel sick, it’s probably just allergies.  (Sneezes out the open window and drives)

           Friend 2: (Rolls down the passenger side window all the way – it is 22°F outside) I don’t believe you, and even if it is allergies how can you still want to go to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner?

            Friend 1: (Wipes nose noisily) `S tradition.

          Friend 2: I think they’d understand.  I don’t even want to go now, what with the contamination.

          Friend 1: Would you relax?  It’s all symptoms, no substance – it’s literally all in my head.  (Coughs violently and nearly hits a deer standing on top of a grassy hill) I feel fine!

            Friend 2: (Holding head to shield from a collision) Liar.

            (At Friend 1’s family’s house)

            Friend 2: You go in first – I don’t want them to think I brought you and your infection here.

            Friend 1: You’re ridiculous.

            (Door opens)

            Cousin 1: Hi!  Happy Thanksgiving – come on in!  (Widens the door for Friend 1 and Friend 2 to enter and face everyone in the living room)

            Everyone: Hiiiiii!!!!

            Friend 1: `Abb-y Tanks-gibing, ebbry-one!

            (Everyone stares at Friend 1 in horror; Grandmother runs in from the kitchen)

            Grandmother: (Points an accusing wooden spoon at Friend 1) Are you sick?!

           Friend 1: (Blowing nose) Heh-heh-heh, no, it’s just allergies or change-of-season; I feel great!  (Sneeze-coughs)

           Grandmother: (To the rest of the room) No kissing, no hugging, no touching that one!  (Uses the wooden spoon to push Friend 1 to the farthest corner of the living room, kicks an Uncle out of a folding chair there, and points to it) Sit!

            Friend 1: Aw, Grandma – (Is whacked on the head by the wooden spoon) Ow!  (Sits)

           Grandmother: You’re lucky this isn’t the porch outside!  (To Friend 2) You!  Stay here, too – we’ll bring you both your food.

            Friend 2: (Whines) But why do I have to stay all the way out here?

            Grandmother: You’re contaminated!

            Friend 2: (To Friend 1) See!

           Grandmother: Go watch the parade and don’t move from this spot – dinner’s now delayed an hour thanks to your shenanigans!  (Returns to the kitchen while everyone moans)

            Friend 1: (Pulls a wine bottle out of a bag) Well, if I’m shoved into this corner then I guess no one’ll be needing this – (Cousin 2 snatches it away) Hey!  Isn’t that “contaminated” now?

            Cousin 2: (While rubbing the bottle all over with a bleach wipe) This is actually the one thing where the contents self-disinfect.

FOUR HOURS LATER

          (Friend 2 is sitting on the couch next to Friend 1’s chair, which is surrounded by growing piles of tissues, plates of snacks, and “DO NOT CROSS” tape)

          Friend 2: (Staring at the TV) You know, this situation has given me a whole new appreciation for football as a sport.

        Friend 1: (Watching a movie on a phone) Wonderful.  (Sneezes; a passing Aunt sprays disinfectant in the Friends’ direction) That’ll just make me sneeze more!

            Aunt: But it’ll be a clean sneeze.

            Grandmother: OK everyone, sit down, dinner’s ready!

            Uncle: Hee-hee, we’re already sitting down.

            Grandmother: Smart mouths get served last!

          (There is a rush to the two adult tables and the kitchen kiddie table; Friend 1 looks around, then darts to an empty chair at one of the bigger tables)

            Cousin 3: Grand-ma!  My cousin’s trying to break quaran-tine!

           (Wearing oven mitts, Grandmother grabs Friend 1 by the ear and tosses the body back onto the folding chair in the living room)

           Friend 1: (All the way back) Ow – ow – ow – ow – cough – cough – cough – gasp – gasp – cough –

            Grandmother: (Grabs a bunch of cough drops from her apron pocket and flings them at Friend 1) I’d better not hear another sound from this corner or you get nuthin’ from the table, do you hear me?!  (To Friend 2) What would you like for dinner, dear?

            Friend 2: Um, could I have a drumstick and some sides, please?  And a glass of milk?

            Grandmother: Of course.  (Turns to leave)

            Friend 1: Could I have all that too, please?  (Sneezes)

         Grandmother: I’ll think about it.  (To the tables) Now – everyone, take a turn saying what you’re thankful for.

            Aunt: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Uncle: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Cousin 4: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Cousin 5: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Friend 1: (Mutters) Brats.  (Sneezes)

TWO HOURS LATER

            Friend 1: (Wrapped in a blanket and holding a tissue) You think they’ll let me sneak a piece of apple pie from the table?

            Friend 2: How can you even be thinking of food right now – you look like you’re dying!

          Friend 1: Still hungry, which means I’m NOT SICK!  (Shouted at the main table, which the relatives playing cards there ignore)

            Grandmother: (Carrying a coffee urn) Everyone, sit down – dessert!

          (Rush to the two main tables, since one-third of the original company had moved on to the next set of families)

            Friend 1: (To Friend 2) Grab me a chocolate doughnut, would you?  (Coughs a lot)

            Friend 2: Ew, no; I’ll get you some tea.

          Grandmother: Oh no, you don’t – no one from that corner of the room moves until everyone else has left for the night!

            Friend 2: (In a small voice) But I have to go to the bathroom.

          (Everyone digs into the multitude of desserts; Friend 1 watches sullenly, then begins cough-laughing)

            Friend 2: What, aren’t you still bitter?

            Friend 1: Yeah, but joke’s on them: this means I don’t have to help clean up this year.

Story 264: What Can I Bring for Thanksgiving?

            (Phone rings)

            Host-to-Be: Hi!  How’ve you been?

         Guest-to-Be: Terrible, thanks; but since you’re taking it like a champ and hosting Thanksgiving  again this year, I’m calling to let you know I’ll bring my usual store-bought cop-out fruit salad.

            Host-to-Be: Ooh, about that: some remote cousins are actually coming this year and I already told them they could bring a fruit salad, since they were kind of last minute and all.  And I forgot you usually bring it.

            Guest-to-Be: Oh.

            Host-to-Be: Hey, now that I think about it, how about you bring a vegetable instead?  I’ve got sides coming out the ears, but they’re all starchy.  Gotta aid the digestion on this day of all days, am-I-right?

            Guest-to-Be: Oh.

            Host-to-Be: …Kay, that’d be great, gotta get back to the disaster that is the kitchen right now, see you at 2:00 tomorrow, bye!  (Disconnects)

            Guest-to-Be: (Disconnects, then stares into the middle distance for quite some time) Oh.

            (At a supermarket, shoppers are running around in a frenzy as Guest-to-Be stands in front of the wall of vegetables, captivated by all the leafy greens)

            Guest-to-Be: Should I just bring five heads of lettuce and let everybody figure it out?  (The sprinklers turn on and douse Guest-to-Be’s head)

            (In the frozen food aisle, Guest-to-Be stares at the rows of plastic-bagged freeze-dried veggies as hordes of shopping carts whiz by in all directions)

            Guest-to-Be: Corn?  (Opens door and grabs a bag) Negative value.  (Tosses it back, then grabs another bag) Brussels sprouts?  Healthy, yet hated.  (Tosses it back, then grabs another bag) Mixed vegetables?  Hm…. (Remembers dishes from Thanksgivings past – no mixed vegetables in sight) Do any of us even eat vegetables at this thing?  (Tosses the bag back, then steps backward while letting the door close; is promptly run over by a shopping cart)

            (On Thanksgiving Day, Host opens the front door after hearing the bell ring)

            Host: Oh hi!  Happy Thanksgiving; so glad you could make it!

           Guest: I brought a pumpkin pie.  (Holds up a box) It’s technically a dessert and technically a fruit, but everyone thinks it’s a vegetable so it can be served with dinner contrary to socially accepted norms.

            Host: …Thanks, we actually already have one of those, but I can put this one out, too!  (Takes the box)

          Guest: I thought such a scenario may happen, so I also brought a pumpkin.  (Holds up a ginormous pumpkin) I can slice it up for you, if you want.  (Holds up a butcher knife)

            Host: You know, how about we just leave it on the front step for decoration, hm?  (Takes the pumpkin and places it on the front step, then carefully takes away the knife; they both then stare at the lumpy pumpkin)

            Guest: Probably better this way.

            Host: You can bring the fruit salad next year –

            Guest: Oh thank YOU!