Story 264: What Can I Bring for Thanksgiving?

            (Phone rings)

            Host-to-Be: Hi!  How’ve you been?

         Guest-to-Be: Terrible, thanks; but since you’re taking it like a champ and hosting Thanksgiving  again this year, I’m calling to let you know I’ll bring my usual store-bought cop-out fruit salad.

            Host-to-Be: Ooh, about that: some remote cousins are actually coming this year and I already told them they could bring a fruit salad, since they were kind of last minute and all.  And I forgot you usually bring it.

            Guest-to-Be: Oh.

            Host-to-Be: Hey, now that I think about it, how about you bring a vegetable instead?  I’ve got sides coming out the ears, but they’re all starchy.  Gotta aid the digestion on this day of all days, am-I-right?

            Guest-to-Be: Oh.

            Host-to-Be: …Kay, that’d be great, gotta get back to the disaster that is the kitchen right now, see you at 2:00 tomorrow, bye!  (Disconnects)

            Guest-to-Be: (Disconnects, then stares into the middle distance for quite some time) Oh.

            (At a supermarket, shoppers are running around in a frenzy as Guest-to-Be stands in front of the wall of vegetables, captivated by all the leafy greens)

            Guest-to-Be: Should I just bring five heads of lettuce and let everybody figure it out?  (The sprinklers turn on and douse Guest-to-Be’s head)

            (In the frozen food aisle, Guest-to-Be stares at the rows of plastic-bagged freeze-dried veggies as hordes of shopping carts whiz by in all directions)

            Guest-to-Be: Corn?  (Opens door and grabs a bag) Negative value.  (Tosses it back, then grabs another bag) Brussels sprouts?  Healthy, yet hated.  (Tosses it back, then grabs another bag) Mixed vegetables?  Hm…. (Remembers dishes from Thanksgivings past – no mixed vegetables in sight) Do any of us even eat vegetables at this thing?  (Tosses the bag back, then steps backward while letting the door close; is promptly run over by a shopping cart)

            (On Thanksgiving Day, Host opens the front door after hearing the bell ring)

            Host: Oh hi!  Happy Thanksgiving; so glad you could make it!

           Guest: I brought a pumpkin pie.  (Holds up a box) It’s technically a dessert and technically a fruit, but everyone thinks it’s a vegetable so it can be served with dinner contrary to socially accepted norms.

            Host: …Thanks, we actually already have one of those, but I can put this one out, too!  (Takes the box)

          Guest: I thought such a scenario may happen, so I also brought a pumpkin.  (Holds up a ginormous pumpkin) I can slice it up for you, if you want.  (Holds up a butcher knife)

            Host: You know, how about we just leave it on the front step for decoration, hm?  (Takes the pumpkin and places it on the front step, then carefully takes away the knife; they both then stare at the lumpy pumpkin)

            Guest: Probably better this way.

            Host: You can bring the fruit salad next year –

            Guest: Oh thank YOU!