Story 319: I Lost Track of Which Holiday Cards I Sent

            Friend 1: (Sitting at a kitchen table surrounded by boxes of cards, address labels, stamps, and an address book) So, if I calculated this correctly, I can use just the cards from all these boxes from the past two years and not have to spend a dime on a single new card this year!  (Goes to work writing names, semi-personalized messages, and addresses, then labeling, stamping, and sealing; an hour and a half later) I did it?  All the cards are ready to go, and we didn’t even reach double-digits in the month yet?  My work is done, and this is now the post office’s problem, ahahahahaha!  (Raises arms in victory, then looks around the kitchen) Wait, who am I talking to?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (In a supermarket)

          Friend 1: (Shoving a shopping cart down an aisle) Grumble-grumble-work parties, grumble-grumble-why do I get stuck with cupcakes every year, grumble-grumble-grumble-next time maybe I shouldn’t volunteer to make them, grumble-grumble-grumble-

           Friend 2: (Rounding a corner with a shopping cart and almost crashing into Friend 1) Oh, hey!  How’ve you been?

            Friend 1: Miserable.  How’ve you been?

            Friend 2: Wishing I was home and not here, but you know, food.

            Friend 1: Yeah.  Necessary evil.

            Friend 2: Oh, by the way, thanks for the card!  Happy Hanukkah to you, too!

            Friend 1: Uhhh, thanks?  Did you convert?

         Friend 2: No, I thought you were just getting into the spirit of the season and celebrating everything this year.

            Friend 1: What are you – ohhhh, I sent you the wrong holiday.

           Friend 2: No worries; it makes me appreciate the spiritual side of the season more.  I tend to get too focused on the commercialism of it all, know-what-I-mean?

           Friend 1: No, now I’m mad, I thought I checked who I sending what to, and now this means I probably sent somebody who doesn’t celebrate anything remotely religious a baby Jesus card, and now I’m mad!

          Friend 2: I’m sure everybody’s fine with it – we’re all running around like we’ve lost our minds this time of year anyway, and it’s the thought that counts.

            Friend 1: Not to me, it doesn’t!  I demand accuracy!

            Friend 2: (Sighs and begins to leave) Enjoy your holidays.

            Friend 1: Yeah, you too.

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Hi, how’s everything?

         Uncle: (On the phone) Oh, same old: back’s acting up again, closed on the house yesterday, haven’t even started shopping –

            Friend 1: That’s great – listen, did you get a card from me yet?

           Uncle: Oh yes, thank you very much for that!  You should get mine before Christmas – I’m a little behind this year, what with the move –

          Friend 1: Quick question: was it an actual Christmas or general yuletide/wintery-themed card you got?

          Uncle: Umm, I think so, let me check.... (Sound of rustling) Yes, it’s got a bunch of animals and snow on it.  Why do you ask?

         Friend 1: Oh good – I had a bit of a mix-up this year and seem to have sent out somewhat mismatching cards to people.

           Uncle: (Chuckles) Oh, that’s fine: you know, it actually matches the card you sent me last year.

           Friend 1: …What?

           Uncle: Yeah, I have everything out while I’m packing up the place, and I’d kept the cards I got last year, and you’d sent me the same nice card then, I love it!

           Friend 1: …WHAT?!

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 3: (On the phone) Hi, what’s up?

            Friend 1: (On the phone) I’ll be blunt: the card you got from me this year, is it the same as the one I sent you last year, or for a holiday you don’t actually celebrate?

          Friend 3: Oh, heh-heh, you know, I thought it looked familiar.... (Sound of rustling) Yes, I remember that clownish snowball.  Guess you figured it fit my personality, huh?

            Friend 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

THE NEXT DAY

           Friend 4: (To Friend 1, passing on the street) Hi!  I got your card – Happy Kwanzaa to you, too!  I never celebrated it before, but this made me go out and learn more about it, thanks! 

            Friend 1: Glad to help.

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 5: (On the phone) Hi!  I got your card – Merry Christmas to you, too!

            Friend 1: Thanks.  I take it this means you didn’t get the Hanukkah card I thought I sent you.

            Friend 5: No, but I figured it was love all, celebrate all!

           Friend 1: That’s it: next year, I’m buying 1,000 copies of the same “Happy Holidays” card and that’s all I’ll send forever and ever.

           Friend 5: We’ll take that, too.  And if you send it by e-mail, you’ll save on postage!

           Friend 1: Where’s the joy and goodwill and holiness of the season in that?!

Story 318: All I Want for Christmas Is Nothing to Give and Nothing to Get

Dear Santa,

            I am a reasonable human being.  I like to think I have a firm grasp on reality.  So I am not going to mince words with you: this Christmas, I will not ask for one single present, from you or from anyone else, at all, not one.  In return, I only ask that I not be required, requested, and/or obligated to give one single present, to you or to anyone else, at all, not one.

            To put it bluntly, Mr. Claus, I simply cannot take it any longer.  Everyone complains, yet they compulsively do it anyway: you know what I mean, the massive, overwhelming, soul-destroying marathon that is holiday shopping.  Many of us have too much stuff as it is, but there we all go, off to the sales races again.  And so we go through the motions, year after dreaded year, piling into horrendous traffic, piling into overcrowded stores, piling into the worst zeniths of consumerism, stuff, stuff, stuff.  Will all that stuff fill the empty void currently taking up residence in our hearts?   The answer of course is “No,” but most act as if it is “Yes.”

            And as the coins in my piggy bank dwindle, I question the point of the whole thing.  Why do we continue to give gifts if the process of getting them has made the giver so utterly unhappy?  Does the recipient’s brief, passing joy make all that suffering worth it?  I guess.  Still does not make up for the four hours I will never get back from the mass chaos that is the mall.  How is that all of us always decide to go there at the same time, anyway?

            I would also like to discuss the futility of sending holiday cards, but that is too off-topic and would require a ream of paper to address adequately.

           Returning to the issue at hand, I would like to speak to the conundrum of online shopping: convenient for the consumer, perhaps, but inconvenient for the delivery person who now is in the previously mentioned traffic and also for the warehouse employee who has added your order to the 7,322 others waiting to be filled that day.  But it is guaranteed next-day delivery, since unnamed shopper forgot to order it until two days before the main event of Christmas or Hanukkah.

           Not to mention (but I will anyway), I have no idea what to get people, including members of my own family, unless they specifically tell me what they want.  Opera tickets?  A wooden sleigh?  Gift cards for soon-to-be-out-of-business restaurants?  It is exhausting trying to figure out a gift that will not be returned.

            I just cannot bear the stress of it all anymore, so I beg of you: please do not give me anything this year, and let me be relieved of the burden of having to give presents to anyone.  If you are so gracious as to grant this request, I warn you now I may ask for it again next year.

           I write to you every December, and in all my 42 years on this planet I have yet to receive a bona fide response from you or your staff.  I would greatly appreciate it if this year's anti-consumerism theme ended that streak.

                                                                        Always Affectionately Yours,

                                                                        Little Johnny

Story 269: Not Another Christmas Album

Radio Host: Aaaaand welcome back to “Myron in the Morning,” with me, your host, Asha – once again, our thoughts and prayers are with Myron’s family, may he rest in peace.  Now, our special guest today is that top recording artist, that angel on guitar and zither, that current “In” thing himself, Mr. Wei Schwartzman!  Thank you for being here today, Wei!

Music Star: Thank you for having me on the show to promote my material, Asha – the label appreciates it.

Radio Host: Heh-heh, yes, normally we here at the studio are off the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s while the robot servants run the repeats, BUT since this was the only day in the next five years where you weren’t already booked, the producers simply couldn’t pass up the opportunity, so here we all are!

Music Star: Yes, I – five years?

Radio Host: So, as I am currently not relaxing on a beach in Brazil, my first question is this: Your new album.

            Music Star: …Yes?

           Radio Host: It has got to be the first album ever, as far as the Internet can locate, to be released during the winter holiday season and focus entirely on every other holiday of the year except for Christmas, Hanukkah, and/or the Roman New Year.

          Music Star: You would be correct.  None of those three are mentioned at all, not even obliquely.

          Radio Host: That seems to be a conscious choice – could you explain to our listeners your reasoning behind why you would do such a thing?

            Music Star: I already did on my Web site.

            Radio Host: Humor them.

          Music Star: Oh, um, well, it all started after my tenth album came out and my manager’s like, “So what’s next?” and I’m like, “Uh, vacation?” and she’s like, “That’s hilarious,” and I’m like, “I’m really tired,” and she’s like, “You want to stay a star forever or not?!” and I’m like, “Well now that you ask – ”

            Radio Host: So whose idea was the album?

           Music Star: Um, kind of both?  I mean, she’s all, “Let’s do a Christmas album!” and I’m all “Let’s not,” and she’s all, “Why not?” and I’m all, “Because every single person on this planet has done a flippin’ Christmas album, the market’s saturated, plus I’m Jewish, so, whaaat?” and she’s all, “Who cares, just do a few jingle bells and sleigh rides and Santa Clauses, they’ll eat it right up,” and I’m all, “Now that’s just crass: the season’s about the birth of your Savior and yet the entire industry managed to make it BORING,” and she’s all, “That would be a Church album, I’m talking about a Christmas album,” and I’m all –

            Radio Host: So why not do a Hanukkah album, then?

            Music Star: You know, I recorded a few songs, but when I actually listened to them I realized my Hebrew sounded terrible and would have just marred the holiday.

            Radio Host: And New Year’s?

           Music Star: I did toy with the idea of filling the album with 20 variations of “Auld Lang Syne” just to freak people out, but tossed it when the mere thought of the inanity of it all put me to sleep.  I mean, where do you go from there?  People soon would start hating New Year’s, and me.

            Radio Host: And that’s when you were struck with the inspiration of doing an album of all the other holidays?

          Music Star: Exactly.  And it would be all original music, covering every holiday known to humanity, past, present, and possibly future.

            Radio Host: Which is why the album is 5,075 songs on 205 discs.

            Music Star: Yep!  Wrote and recorded it all in a week.

            Radio Host: That’s… unbelievable.

            Music Star: Why thank you.  I do it all for the fans.

           Radio Host: I especially like how the first few discs cover those holidays that we all hear about but never properly acknowledge in popular music, with such songs as “Have Yourself a Blessed Eid al-Fitr,” “The Seven Days of Kwanzaa,” “We Wish You a Solemn Yom Kippur and a Happy Rosh Hashanah,” “O Holy Diwali,” and “Have Yourself a Merry Little Michelmas” – oh.  Bit of a repeat there.

             Music Star: Hey, it was as the spirit moved me.

          Radio Host: I see you also have songs for the U.S. federal holidays such as Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4^th of July, and Election Day, in addition to those of other countries that I could go over, let’s see….

            Music Star: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, I got every last one, love all, serve all!  [Head falls onto the desk and snoring is heard]

            Radio Host: Shucks, I was going to ask what his next album will be.  Well folks, I guess that means that’s all the time we have for today – thank you for joining us here at currently-still-called “Myron in the Morning”; have a Happy New Year; could somebody here please help this guy; I’m going to Brazil.