Story 343: Epic Birthday Drive-By Party

            (On a park trail)

            Friend 1: Don’t you just love the beginning of Summer?

            Friend 2: Summer doesn’t start for another month.

            Friend 1: No one cares about the “official” date – this is the weekend it actually matters.

          Friend 2: You mean the weekend we’re supposed to be honoring those who served our country?

          Friend 1: That goes without saying – I’m talking about Summer!  Fun in the sun; crowds everywhere there’s water; vacation, vacation, vacation!

         Friend 2: Think that’s a little dampened this year – (Sees a walker on the trail approaching them) masks up.  (Friends 1 and 2 pull up their face masks as the walker passes them; all three nod at each other)

          Friend 1: (As they both lower their masks) You’re being more of a buzzkill than usual – something up?

            Friend 2: Where to start?!

            Friend 1: Besides all that – something new?

          Friend 2: Well, I guess it’s just that I normally don’t care much about my birthday, except this year is a big one and we all were going to go to Vegas –

            Friend 1: Ah, Vegas.

          Friend 2: – and I know there’s so much else going on right now, but I was really looking forward to it and we were supposed to fly out tomorrow morning so we’d be there for my birthday that night, and it would’ve been a lot of fun to see the whole crew together again, and I’m just a little bummed out about the whole thing.

            Friend 1: Hm.  Anything else?

            Friend 2: No, thank goodness.

         Friend 1: (Silent for a few moments) You know, I just got an idea: don’t make any plans tomorrow.

            Friend 2: I already didn’t have any now – what’s up?

            Friend 1: (Evil grin) Oh, you’ll see, mwahahahaha-!

            Friend 2: Knock it off.

            Friend 1: Sorry.  But don’t worry: you’ll love it.

            Friend 2: Why does that make me even more nervous?

THE NEXT MORNING

            Friend 2: (Answering the phone at home) Hi?

            Friend 1: Happy Birthday!  Look outside your front window.

          Friend 2: (Peers through the blinds and sees Friend 1 holding a “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” banner with balloons and waving wildly) Aw, thank you so much!  I’ll be right out!  (Goes outside and sees two beach chairs set up with a cooler and a boombox within reach) You’re so sweet!  You didn’t have to do all this, you know.

            Friend 1: I know – sit down.  (Plants the banner and balloons on stakes in the ground and they both sit on the chairs, facing the street)  Now – (Turns on the boombox to play really loud 80s and 90s music, opens the cooler, takes out two fruit drinks, gives one to Friend 2, and they clink bottles) – they should be here any minute.

            Friend 2: Aw, did you arrange a birthday drive-by party for me, too?

            Friend 1: Maybe.  (Looks at watch) Yes, and now they’re late.

            Friend 2: How did you get anybody with less than a day’s notice?

            Friend 1: They jumped at the chance to do something besides watching TV all day – ooh, here they come!

           (Both stand as decorated, beeping cars slowly drive down the street, everyone inside yelling out birthday wishes)

            Friend 2: (Waving and crying) This is so nice!  Oh look, our Vegas crew!

         Vegas Crew: (Everyone, including the driver, is hanging out the windows) Wooooooo!!!!  Party-party-party-party – (They continue down the street)

            Friend 2: (Sees trucks and flashing lights approaching) Oh no, that fire truck can’t get through with everyone in the way!

            Friend 1: There’s no fire – that I know of – that’s for you.

            Friend 2: What?!  Why?!

            Friend 1: I told them you were a disappointed 5-year-old.

            Friend 2: But that’s a lie!

            Friend 1: Not really – in a sense, aren’t we all disappointed 5-year-olds?

            Friend 2: You – (The fire truck stops in front of the house) Sorry, there’s no kid, it’s just me!

           Firefighter: Eh, we do it for everybody.  Have a lolly.  (Tosses Friends 1 and 2 lollipops as the radio crackles) Whelp, got a real emergency now – (Takes out a megaphone and addresses the line of cars ahead) Everybody, move to your right!  (The line of cars shifts to the right as the fire truck blares its way down the street) Happy Birthdaaaaaaayyyy….

            Friend 2: (Sits back on the beach chair) Wow, that was great, thank you so much for all this!

            Friend 1: (Still standing, squints in the distance and mutters) They said they’d be here….

            Friend 2: Who?

            Friend 1: Aha!  (Points as a tank approaches) That.

            Friend 2: (Stands suddenly) WHAT?!

         (A noisy line of the tank, motorcycles, parade floats, scooters, tractor trailers, gas trucks, oversized load trucks, and a tricycle pass by)

            Friend 2: Who are all these people?!

            Friend 1: Extremely bored citizens.

            Friend 2: My neighbors are gonna freak out with all this – this – (Waves arms at the parade) – hullabaloo!

            Friend 1: Are you kidding?  This is the most excitement they’ve had in months!

           Neighbor: (Standing nearby, clapping and waving at the procession) I’ll say!  This is helping me not miss going to the office every day!

            Friend 2: (To Friend 1) But this is getting to be too much – I hate to say it, but are they going to be done soon?

           Friend 1: Why, got some place to be?  (Turns at the sound of drums) Yesssss!  The circus made it.

            Friend 2: (Also turns) Huh?

          (Clowns juggling, acrobats tumbling, trapeze artists swinging on floats, and a marching band pass by)

            Friend 1: I know clowns aren’t your thing, but they’re part of the package –especially since the animals have all been restored to their natural habitats which, you know, good riddance.

            Friend 2: (Sits back on the beach chair) I think I’m getting sensory overload.

           Friend 1: Well, you’re in luck – you can relax and just tilt your head back, since the jets should be passing overhead any minute now.  (Friend 2’s eyes widen) Don’t worry, this is part of their training exercises anyway so no extra cost to the taxpayers!  (The sound of jet engines is heard overhead as Friends 1 and 2 look up) See, there they are, hiiiiii!!!  (Waves at the sky) I don’t think they can see us, but it feels rude not to.

            Friend 2: (Stands) I never thought I’d say this, but I need to go lie down.

            Friend 1: Hold that thought: they’re all gonna to circle the block one more time.

            Vegas Crew: (Circling the block one more time) – party-party-party-party –

           Friend 2: Everyone’s been so sweet, but I just need to step away from all of it for a minute.  Or a day.  (Trots quickly back into the house)

           Friend 1: (Yelling towards the front door) OK, but not too long: the International Space Station will be dipping down about a mile overhead in 13 minutes, so you’d better rally by then!  (Sits back on the beach chair, opens another fruit drink, and slurps it)

            Neighbor: (Points to Friend 2’s chair) Mind if I sit there for a moment?

            Friend 1: Sure thing – (Neighbor sits in the chair) – drink?

            Neighbor: Don’t mind if I do.  (Accepts a fruit drink and leans back while slurping)

         Friend 1: (Sighs as the tank approaches again) Times like these really make you appreciate the simple things in life.

Story 342: Get Your Very Own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy!

            [Commercial]

           (Scenes of Customer standing in the middle of an empty parking lot, an empty stadium, and an empty beach)

            Voiceover: Life getting you down lately?

            (Scene of papers being sucked out of Customer’s hand and into a kitchen garbage disposal)

            Voiceover: Did months of work just get obliterated?

            (Scene of Customer sitting at an office desk, slumped on one hand, while a coworker screams in their ear)

          Voiceover: Was your day going just fine until that one person said something that ruined absolutely everything?

            (Flashing lights, bright colors, and text cross the screen)

            Voiceover: Fret no more, my friends – all your worries will vanish as if they had never been once you get your very own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy!

            (Customer, now alone, still is slumped at the desk; the camera filter brightens as Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, wearing a superhero outfit, mask, cape, and “DTAIB” printed on the shirt, bounds onto the scene)

            Voiceover: Marvel as those never-ending negative thoughts are immediately vanquished!

          (Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy grabs Customer by the shoulder and gives a slap across the face)

            Voiceover: Amaze as irreparable loss is rendered inconsequential!

            (Customer is leaning down to peer at the shreds of paper sticking out of the garbage disposal; Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene and throws a glass of water in Customer’s face)

            Voiceover: Wonder as – hopefully – temporary setbacks are made tolerable by comparison!

          (Customer walks up to an empty local baseball field, grabs onto the chain-link fence, and sighs; Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene; Customer turns and gets a cream pie in the face)

            Voiceover: You will be astounded!  Confounded!  Bemused!  Befuddled!  And 100% satisfied by the results!

          (Customer, face covered in cream pie, stands with Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, who has hands on hips in hero pose; both are facing the camera)

            Customer: That’s great!  Tell me more!

            Voiceover: That’s pretty much it.

            Customer: Oh.

            Voiceover: But wait, there’s more!

            (Scenes of Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy at office meetings, family dinners, factory floors, and solo-occupant living rooms, pegging people with water balloons, smacking them upside the head, bodily tossing them onto a floor mattress, and tweaking their noses)

            Voiceover: And the best part is, Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy is on-call 24-7 for all your life-distraction needs!  Bonus package includes multiple visits for family parties, whenever we can have those to complain about again!  Special rates for those troublesome late-night musings!

            (Scene of Customer tossing and turning in a bed, then grabbing the clock to see it read “3:24 a.m.”; turns back onto the bed to see Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, who pinches a nerve on Customer’s neck; Customer passes out)

            Voiceover: So don’t wait!  Call today at the number displayed on your screen – subject to change – (Changing phone number flashes at the bottom of the screen) or visit our Web site at www.dontthinkaboutitbuddyanddontsueus.com to order your very own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, and never worry about anything long-term again!

            (Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene in hero pose again)

            Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy: Remember, folks: only you – (Points to the camera) can end your own circular internal monologue!  By using me – (Points to self) to slap those pesky thoughts right out of your head!  Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, to the rescue!  (Lifts arms as a wire pulls Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy up and away)

        Voiceover: (Extremely fast speed) Warning-Don’t-Think-About-It-Buddy-only-provides-service-to-the-customer-on-the-bill-and-cannot-be-directed-to-provide-service-to-friends-or-enemies-if-you-change-your-mind-after-purchase-please-call-us-and-not-the-police.  (Regular speed) So don’t wait!  Call now for a Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, and change your life today!

Story 341: Pitfalls in Collaboration

[Inspired by The Metropolitan Opera and its recent Nightly Opera Streams at www.metopera.org]

            (In an office, an opera house’s Artistic Director sits at a desk facing Composer and Librettist)

            Artistic Director: All right, you two: when I commissioned you to create the best opera ever, I meant I wanted one where the audience will laugh, cry, roar, and swoon, preferably in that order.  And instead, I’m getting a half-completed work that makes me want to chuck the entire orchestra at you.  What in the name of bel canto’s going on?!

            Composer: First of all – did you hear the music yet?

            Librettist: (Slumps in the chair) Ugh, here we go.

          Composer: (To Artistic Director) I would like to take this moment to emphasize that my portion of this work is done, by the way – I even finished the orchestration months ago.

            Artistic Director: Then why are you two telling me it’s not done?

          Librettist: (Rolls eyes) Somebody feels that the lyrics need to “match the tone set by the music,” whatever that means.

            Artistic Director: It means the lyrics should convey the same themes as the music.

            Librettist: I know what it means!                                      

            Artistic Director: What?

         Librettist: My libretto is perfect as it is; it’s based off the book you – (Points to Artistic Director) chose, and it’s got everything you could ever want: hot people in love, random shenanigans, loud misunderstandings that go on for hours, and societal rebels refusing to live lives of oppressive regular salaries, so I fail to see what the problem is.

            Composer: (To Artistic Director) OK, first: you’ve heard the music?

            Artistic Director: Yes, we’ve established that.

            Composer: And you’ve noted how absolutely glorious it is?

           Artistic Director: Well, a tear or two did threaten, and my heart struggled to beat a few times, so I think it’s safe to say that “glorious” is an acceptable adjective.

         Composer: Thank you.  Now, with that in mind: have you read the lyrics set to this awe-inspiring masterpiece of sound?

            Artistic Director: Well, sort-of – it’s been hard to keep up with all the revisions.

            Composer: (Flips through pages of the score) Uh-huh, uh-huh – OK, here’s the latest from Act 1, the aria I wrote for the lead tenor.  (Hands a few pages to the Artistic Director) Note the soaring strings that sound like grown human beings weeping?

            Artistic Director: (Scans through the pages) Oh yes, I like this one a lot.

            Composer: Uh-huh – and do you see the words paired with these sublime notes?

            Artistic Director: (Reads some more) He’s talking about what he does during his day?

            Composer: Yes!  He soars to the heavens about going out to pick up the newspaper!

            Librettist: What’s your point?

            Artistic Director: It does seem a bit trivial for such majestic instrumentation.

            Composer: Thank you!

         Librettist: What do you expect?  It’s a day in the life – the whole thing’s populated with mooning adult children living in self-inflicted poverty and falling in love with completely incompatible randos – Billy Shakespeare wrote reams on the same subjects, and everybody loved him for it!

            Composer: His words were divine poetry!  Yours don’t even rhyme!

            Librettist: Most of the audience members don’t even speak the language I’m writing in – they just want it to sound good.

            Composer: They’ll know when they read the subtitles that it’s all trite!   Here – (Flips through more pages and hands a bunch to Artistic Director) love duet in Act 2.  Tell me what you think.

            Artistic Director: (Scans through the pages, humming the notes of a romantic tune, then stops) Wait, do these two people even know each other?

            Composer: They just met in Act 1!  Which took place 20 minutes earlier!

          Librettist: Duh, it’s called “Love at first sight,” haven’t you ever heard of a little something called Romeo and Juliet?

           Artistic Director: You really should stop comparing yourself to an icon; it never works out in your favor.

            Librettist: Noted.

          Composer: My point is, I wrote that piece for two lovers who have the intimacy that comes from shared years and memories, and this one – (Points thumb at Librettist) has them gibbering on about how the Sun looks a tad peaked, and ooh, isn’t that a fine rock over there, and oh, what’s your name again?!

            Librettist: All issues that plague the common folk.

           Artistic Director: Hm.  I have to admit, for a transcendent work of art, the stakes here are really low.

           Composer: You have no idea: in Act 3, they have an argument for half an hour over who broke up with the other first, when it turns out they cheated on each for no reason!

            Librettist: Everyone likes a good “Will they or won’t they?” popping up a few times during a story; keeps things fresh.

            Composer: It’s smothering my score!

           Artistic Director: (Hands papers back to the Composer) I have to agree: unless this is a flat-out farce, the audience won’t connect with the characters if they just dither on about who they should dance with, or whether they should stick with the rich lord or the penniless artist when the answer clearly is “Neither,” or what hat they should wear today – they want war; they want royal executions; they want gods and goddesses loudly interfering with mortals’ destines; all that rubbish.

             Librettist: (Sighs dramatically) Fine – you want me to kill one of the lovebirds at the end or something like that?  Give a nice air of tragedy to the whole thing?

            Artistic Director: Ooh, there’s a thought: killing one or both of the romantic leads usually does the trick; it elevates pretty much anything from boring banality to the existential futility of life, with very minimal effort.

            Composer: But if you kill `em off at the end, no one’s gonna know that the whole thing was poetically tragic until the end!

         Librettist: Argh, all right, I’ll give one of them something consistently debilitating, like consumption – that way the singer’ll be stage-coughing throughout so everyone watching’ll know something’s up, happy?

            Composer: Only as long as they don’t upstage the first violins.

            Artistic Director: So it’s settled, then: give just the soprano consumption and throw in some lines about how frail she looks, and then the leads can sing their hearts out about anything trivial they want since life is so fleeting and pointless, and also have the tenor freak out at the end when she dies so the grand finale of cymbals crashing and horns blaring and drums exploding all makes sense, and I can see the audience’s flowing tears now, ahahahaha!

            Librettist: …Sure, I can whip something up.  (To Composer) This mean you’ll shut up about the lyrics now?

          Composer: Would you at least consider throwing in a regicide or people’s uprising while you’re at it?  I really feel like those subjects are more in scale with my work.

            Librettist: Just tell the singers to be coloratura and leggiero to the max, and no one will notice what they’re really talking about.