Story 300: Bocce Ball Hustlers

            (On a lazy Sunday afternoon at the bocce ball courts in a public park, two retiree regulars are at their usual intense competition)

            Retiree 1: (As they collect the balls after a match) Ha!  Beat you again.

            Retiree 2: I told you, my arthritis is acting up – it’s going to rain any minute, I don’t care how many clear skies you see!

            Retiree 1: Then how come you keep holding your non-throwing arm whenever you say that?

            Retiree 2: …That helps my throwing arm feel better.

            New Player 1: Mind if we join you?

           (Retirees 1 and 2 look up from collecting the balls to see New Players 1 and 2, who are several decades younger, decked out in sportswear, carrying a case of their own bocce balls, and standing at the opposite end of the court)

            Retiree 1: No thank you: we’ll be done in another round, and we don’t like change.

            Retiree 2: Yeah, buzz off, children!

            New Player 1: (Laughs with New Player 2, then opens the case and lets the balls drop to the ground) Word on the street is you two are the reigning bocce champs `round here.

            Retirees 1 and 2: [Mutter half-disagreeing affirmatives]

            New Player 1: Care to put that to the test?

            Retiree 2: (To Retiree 1) Well, there it is: we can’t let a challenge like that stand, can we?

          Retiree 1: I don’t know – I’m getting tired and these two clowns may beat us just because of that.

            New Player 1: (Shouting from the other end of the court) What’s it gonna be?  (New Player 2 whispers into New Player 1’s ear; the latter nods) Gramps?!

            Retiree 1: (Narrows eyes) Oh, it’s on.

            (Retirees 1 and 2 trot to the other end of the court and all four stare at each other)

            New Player 1: Should we shake hands before we start?

        Retiree 1: Don’t touch me.  And since we’re the ones being challenged, I’m taking the prerogative of throwing the pallina.

            New Player 1: By all means.

            Retiree 1: (Tosses the pallina a good distance down the court, then gestures to New Players 1 and 2) Be my guest.

            New Player 2: Oh no, please: age before beauty.

            Retiree 2: Now why you gotta be so nasty?  (Retiree 1 has to restrain Retiree 2) Punk!

           New Player 1: (Batting away New Player 2, who also is trying to get in Retiree 2’s face) Just start the game already.

           Retiree 1: Gladly.  (Lines up the shot and gracefully throws the ball down the court, where it lands very close to the pallina)

            New Player 1: Not bad.  (Throws a ball that lands almost right next to the first)

            Retiree 2: My turn!  (Throws a ball so hard it lands out of bounds) Oops.

            Retiree 1: Arthritis, my foot.

            Retiree 2: It comes and goes.

           New Player 2: (Throws a ball that knocks away Retiree 1’s ball; Retirees 1’s and 2’s mouths drop open) Yessss!!!

            (Several passers-by stop to watch)

           Passer-by 1: (To Retirees 1 and 2) You better keep an eye on these two; they may dethrone you from your championship title, and humiliate you to boot.

           Retiree 1: (Glaring at Passer-by 1, a frenemy for the past 23 years) Yes, I’m well aware of that; thank you for pointing it out.

            New Player 1: (Holding up a ball) Shall we continue?

HOUR 2

            (A crowd has gathered around the court as the tournament shows no signs of abating)

          Crowd: (As Retiree 1’s ball lands seemingly equidistant from New Player 1’s ball) Ooooooh!

            New Player 2: Now what?

           Retiree 1: Don’t worry.  (Approaches the balls while pulling out a tape measure) I always carry one of these for just such an occasion.  (All four players approach the balls as Retiree 1 measures the two distances) Yep, mine’s closer.

          New Player 1: Let me see that!  (Grabs the measure and receives the same results; tosses it back to Retiree 1) Oh all right.

            Retiree 1: Best 19 out of 20?

            New Player 1: You’d better believe it.

HOUR 3

            (The encroaching mosquitos and whining dogs do not deter the growing crowd rooted in place around the court.  All four players are sweating and their arms are not circling as wide arcs, but none will be the first to call for a break)

            Retiree 2: Your ball’s out of bounds!  Knocking away the pallina doesn’t count!

            New Player 1: It does so!  The pallina was knocked away before the ball went out of bounds!

            Retiree 2: (To Retiree 1) What do the rules say?

            Retiree 1: How should I know?  We haven’t had to consult them in years!

            New Player 1: (To the crowd) I saw we do over!

            Crowd: (Mutters assent)

            Retiree 1: Fine.  (Waves a disgusted hand over the court for the others to re-set the pieces)

            (A park ranger approaches the group)

            Park Ranger 1: Folks, the park’s closing in half an hour.

            Passer-by 2: You can’t close now, we have to see how this ends!

            Passer-by 3: Yeah, it’s best 49 out of 50!

            Park Ranger 1: (Takes in the intensity of the scene) OK, just, uh – wrap it up soon.  (Joins the crowd to watch as the round begins again)

HOUR 4

            (A ball lands dangerously close to both the other team’s ball and the pallina)

            Crowd and Players: Arrrgggghhhhh!!!!

            Retiree 1: (To New Player 1, with a hoarse voice) Best 89 out of 90?

         (A park ranger truck pulls up next to the court and a voice blasts from the loudspeakers)

            Park Ranger 2: Park’s closed, you weirdos – everybody go home!

            Park Ranger 1: (Pops up from one end of the court) But it’s still a tie!

            Park Ranger 2: We’ve talked about this behavior before, now get in the truck!  And the rest of you, disperse before I turn on the flood lights!

          (The crowd scatters in all directions as the truck drives away; the four players stand uncertainly for a few moments)

           New Player 1: (Also with a hoarse voice) Wanna slip in another round before they come back?

           Retiree 1: Let’s call it a draw: I’m quite certain our arms will fly off if we throw one more time, and none of us are ambidextrous.

            Retiree 2: Ooh!  I am!  (Tries raising throwing arm and yelps in pain)

            Retiree 1: Knock it off.

            New Player 1: Until next time?  (Holds out opposite hand to shake)

         Retiree 1: (Does the same and they shake) Until then: you two will never beat us, but the game’s been getting boring lately and you’ve got the rest of your lives to practice.

            New Player 1: Perfect.  And we will never stop until we triumph!

            Retiree 1: That should keep us all busy for the rest of our lives, then.

Story 299: Why Don’t You Go Outside and Play? `Cause I’m Working.

(Co-Worker 1 and Co-Worker 2 are at their desks, side-by-side in a partitioned-off area of the main office)

Co-Worker 1: (Suddenly stops typing and stares off into space; to Co-Worker 2) You ever wonder, what’s the point of anything?

Co-Worker 2: (Stops typing and stares at Co-Worker 1) No, and I wish you wouldn’t either.

Co-Worker 1: (Looks up through the partition’s window) Uh-oh, Big Boss is headed this way.

Co-Worker 2: Great, and I’m not even halfway through my report that was due… (Looks at watch) yesterday.

Co-Worker 1: You certainly let that deadline get away from you.

(Manager enters from around the corner of the partition and immediately begins talking)

Manager: So, I suddenly realized what modern society’s problem is.

(Co-Workers 1 and 2 stare at Manager, then at each other, then back at Manager)

Co-Worker 1: Oh?

Manager: Yeah, it all boils down to one simple problem: nobody goes outside and plays anymore!

(Co-Workers 1 and 2 stare at Manager, then at each other, then back at Manager)

Co-Worker 2: Oh?

Manager: (Grabs a chair, rolls it over to them, and turns it backwards to sit) I mean, kids today –

Co-Worker 1: Oh, here we go.

Manager: Hear me out: kids today are all sitting in front of screens playing video games, watching TV, wandering all over unsavory places on the Internet, and typing entire conversations to strangers, they’ve forgotten how to walk and talk!

Co-Worker 1: While I agree that that’s the overall trend, I do see plenty of kids playing sports, riding bikes, causing mischief on the roads, and rampaging through playgrounds, so I must deem your argument fallacious.

Co-Worker 2: (Whips out a notebook and begins scribbling) Thanks for the new word – I’m going to try using it in a sentence today.

Co-Worker 1: Not too much, or it’ll lose its power.

Manager: All right, forget the kids; I mean, look at you two now!  (The two look down at themselves) Sitting there in front of your computers all day long, when there’s a whole big world of life out there – (Gestures randomly out there) begging to be lived!

Co-Worker 1: Yeah, but we’re… working…?  Am I missing something?

Manager: You see!  Always an excuse!

Co-Worker 1: What?!

Co-Worker 2: Aren’t we being paid to sit in front of computers all day long?  Isn’t that what the company wants from us?

Manager: Well, it’s time you two took a break.  (Stands to reach the power cord where both computers are connected and rips the plug out of the wall)

Co-Worker 1: (Gasps in horror at the now-blank screen) A cold shut-down!

Co-Worker 2: (Also gasps in horror at the now-blank screen) My overdue report!  And I haven’t hit “Save” in 20 minutes, like a fool!

Manager: (Twirls the cord) You can thank me later.

Co-Worker 2: Can I actually remind you of this later when you’re yelling at me for not submitting this until next week?

Manager: (Laughs maniacally) Silly billy.  (Grabs the backs of their chairs and wheels them out of their section of the office) And away we go!

Co-Worker 2: (To Co-Worker 1) Should we run for it?

Co-Worker 1: Nah – I kind of want to see where this is going.

(Manager wheels them to the elevator, wheels them out when they arrive at the ground floor, wheels them through the lobby and out the front door as everyone else there watches uncomprehendingly, wheels them to the park next door, and collapses when they arrive at a playground filled with toddlers and their adult guardians)

Manager: (Lying on the soft hard-top, panting and pointing at the playground) All right – there it is – go play.  (Lets hand fall)

(Co-Workers 1 and 2, the toddlers, and the guardians all stare at each other for a few moments, then Co-Workers 1 and 2 simultaneously stand, life Manager up by the arms, and set the body on one of the office chairs.  Co-Worker 1 wheels that chair off the playground while Co-Worker 2 follows, dragging the other chair behind)

Co-Worker 1: (Stopping the group on a paved trail) You know, we appreciate the effort and all, but I don’t think we can just go… play over there, with all of… them.

Manager: (Recovered, but still seated) Whyever not?  There’s not sign saying that!  There’s no law!

Co-Worker 2: I think there might be.

Manager: Ridiculous!  Everyone’s always complaining how they miss their childhood when they played all the time, and here I am, literally throwing you two into play time, and you’re just standing there like a bunch of old people!

Hiking Able-Bodied Senior Citizen: Hey!

Manager: People who let themselves get old!

Co-Worker 2: I see what you’re saying, and that kind of play was fun when we were kids, but now, well….

Co-Worker 1: Now we just don’t wanna.

Co-Worker 2: Exactly.  Somewhere through the years, it just stopped being fun.

Co-Worker 1: And I hate to say it, but right now I’m exhausted just looking at them.

Manager: (Stands in a fury) What are you two, 30 going on 300?

Co-Worker 2: You’re actually not supposed to ask us our age –

Manager: OLD!  You let yourselves get old!  Well my late-middle-aged self refuses to, do you hear me?!  (Runs to an unoccupied sandbox, dives in, and uses a shovel to fill a bucket while weeping)

Co-Worker 1: You think the office’ll miss us if we hang out here a little while longer to keep an eye on things?

Co-Worker 2: I think we have a moral obligation to ensure our boss’s physical and mental well-being, and we’re only doing our duty in staying out here in this fresh air, green grass, shady trees – (Co-Workers 1’s and 2’s eyes begin closing) humming insects, sleepy breeze – ooh, look, there’s a nice comfy bench right over there, just waiting for us to take a nap on it!

            Co-Worker 1: (As they both trot over to the bench) Sweet.  My legs are killing me.

Story 298: I Never Knew I Needed That in My Life Until I Saw It

            In an all-things store, Shopper wandered up and down the aisles looking for one last item to pick up so that the store’s gift card could finally be finished off and she would never have to go there again.  At the end of the next-to-last aisle there was a small table display that Shopper casually glanced at, then did a double-take as one of items caught her eye.  She slowly and reverently picked it up to hold it closer to her face and read the description.

            “This,” she said after a few moments.  “This.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“What is this?” her father asked from his seat at the kitchen table, picking up the box with neither reverence nor care.

“This,” Shopper replied, snatching the box back, “is a chair.  An all-purpose, full-support, transport-anywhere, sit-anywhere chair.  It folds up in itself so that you can literally tuck it into your pants pocket.  And it’s endorsed by the Army, so there you go.”

“OK, but why?”

“Because they use it maybe?”

“No, I mean why buy it?  What do you need it for?”

“The question you should be asking is, ‘What don’t you need it for?’”

“No, I’d rather hear an answer to the first one.”

“All right: everything!”  She spread her arms to encompass the world and nearly dropped the box in the process.  “I mean, who knows if you’re out somewhere and find yourself thinking, ‘If only I had a chair to sit down on, then all would be well.’  Now, you can have one, ready to go, AT ALL TIMES.”

“I guess, but how often do you think you’ll find yourself in need of a chair?”

“Often enough!  I’m tired of holding up the wall everywhere I go!”

“I doubt you need to that much.”

“Once is too many!  You don’t realize how this seemingly innocuous impulse buy has changed my life!  Observe.”  She pulled the folded-up chair out of the box, flicked it open, snapped the supports into place, and gingerly settled onto the no-backed canvas seat.  “I’ll never have to stand again.”

“Whatever – it looks uncomfortable.”

“It’s built for efficiency not comfort, Dad!”

“I guess.  Can I try it out, then?”

“Sure.”

She stood and her father gingerly sat on the canvas seat.  “Huh,” he commented.

“You see?”

“It could come in handy, I guess.  I do go to a lot of concerts – yes, I think this would do just fine for those – ”

She yanked the chair out from under him; he stumbled but remained on his feet.  Quickly folding up the chair and running upstairs, she shouted down to him: “Get your own super-convenient previously unknown necessity, poacher!”

He settled back onto the kitchen chair.  “Dangit, now that I’ve seen it, I need one.”