(Friend
1 and Friend 2, laden down with beach trip supplies, stumble out the side door
of Friend 2’s house)
Friend
1: – and I just know the traffic’s gonna be backed up for at least two miles
down the highway as we get closer to the beach – although they did replace that
dinky drawbridge with an actual super-high bridge, so that should help – I hate
drawbridges, especially when you see it’s just somebody’s pleasure dinghy
passing through, such a boat-people-inconvenience inflicted on the rest of us
driving stiffs –
Friend
2: (Pulls the door shut and starts searching pockets) Uh-huh – you got the
sunscreen?
Friend
1: Huh? Oh yeah. (Scrambles through a huge bag and pulls out a
bottle) SPF 100!
Friend
2: (Pauses momentarily) Is that even real?
Friend
1: No idea, but I am not taking any chances: our star shows no mercy on
her children.
Friend
2: (Distractedly patting shirt and shorts all over) Yeah, yeah – say, you got
the keys?
Friend
1: Why would I have the keys; it’s your house.
Friend
2: (Leans over to search the huge bag, tossing items onto the ground) Did you
throw them in here?
Friend
1: (Yanking back the bag) Hey-hey, again I say, why would I have the
keys, it’s your house! Maybe you
left them on the kitchen table.
Friend
2: Why would I – (Freezes as a mental picture of the keys appears) I left them
on the kitchen table.
Friend
1: Yay, mystery solved! Let’s go. (Picks items off the ground and stuffs them
back into the bag)
Friend
2: We can’t go now, we’re locked out of the house!
Friend
1: So? We’re not going to the house,
we’re going to the beach.
Friend
2: And how’re we going to back into the house later?
Friend
1: Well I don’t need to get back into the house, `cause I’m going home
later.
Friend
2: Excuse me?!
Friend
1: For what?
Friend
2: Your inane babble is what distracted me from taking the keys in the first
place, and you’re just gonna leave me here, locked out, and go home?!!
Friend
1: …Heh-heh-heh, of course not, what kind of person would do that?
Friend
2: You!
Friend
1: Well you’ve got me there. Listen –
Friend
2: (Starts pulling own hair in frustration) Argh!
Friend
1: Don’t you have a spare key lying under a fake lawn gnome or something?
Friend
2: No, that’s the first place a thief would look! The spare’s at my parents’ house, and they’re
in Iceland right now!
Friend
1: So where’s their spare?
Friend
2: In my house!
Friend
1: Figures. All right, there’s only one
thing for it. (Dramatically drops the
bag onto the ground) We’re going to have to burglarize your own house.
Friend
2: WHAT?!
Friend
1: Well, I guess it’s technically breaking and entering, but you get the
idea. (Looks around the driveway and
picks up a large rock) Which window’s the cheapest to replace?
Friend
2: (Grabs the rock and throws it onto the lawn) No! You are not breaking my windows!
Friend
1: It’s just “window,” singular.
Friend
2: No, no, no! There has to be another,
non-destructive way – don’t you know how to pick locks?
Friend
1: Why would you even think I’d know how to do that?
Friend
2: You’ve always been a bit shady.
Friend
1: (Stares at Friend 2 for a few moments) That’s fair. And no, I don’t know how to manipulate tumblers,
buuuuuut…. (Leans back to peer up at the roof) That chimney looks promising.
Friend
2: (Also peers up at the roof) I don’t know; seems a bit dangerous. And the neighbors’ll probably call the cops
on me breaking into my own house.
Friend
1: I doubt it – they’re all either at work, at the beach like we should be,
watching TV, watching the Internet, or rather not get involved.
Friend
2: I know I’d rather not.
(They
retrieve a ladder from the shed and prop it against the back of the house)
Friend
1: Right – it should be me going up in there.
Friend
2: Yes it should, because this is all your fault.
Friend
1: It is not all my fault – (Friend 2 glares) agree to disagree. No, it’s better that I be the one to do this
because I’m younger –
Friend
2: By a day!
Friend
1: – and if I make it, I get to brag about it so much. (Scrambles up the ladder, then steadily
climbs up the incline of the roof toward the chimney) Yeah, sandals definitely
are not the best footwear for this kind of activity.
Friend
2: (Straining to look up) Ooh, be careful!
Friend
1: Ha! “Careful” is not called for in
this instance!
Friend
2: (Mumbling to self) Yes it is; what are you talking about?
Friend
1: (Arrives at the chimney) Aha!
Success! (Peers down it) Oh. (Suddenly slides down the roof and scrambles
back down the ladder) Abort the mission!
Abort the mission!
Friend
2: Why! What happened?
Friend
1: (Hops onto the ground) There was the biggest bird’s nest ensconced right in
the middle of that thing, and the cutest little birds were looking at me like I
was their momma, and I am not touching that with a 10-foot pole!
Friend
2: Oh. I guess not.
Friend
1: You’re going to have some mess to clean up when you use that thing later
this year, let me tell you.
Friend
2: Huh?
Friend
1: The nest. You’ll have clean all that
stuff out of there before you can use the fireplace again, `cause those birds
sure aren’t taking that with them.
Friend
2: Oh! No, I actually haven’t used that
thing in years. Too much trouble, so I
just keep the flue closed all the time.
Friend
1: (Stares at Friend 2) You were going to let me climb all the way down a
chimney with a closed flue?!!
Friend
2: …Maybe we should explore the rock option again. (Goes to grab a rock)
Friend
1: (Grabs Friend 2’s arm) Hold up – are there any windows that you leave
partially open for cross-ventilation or what-not?
Friend
2: No… but, there is the bathroom window with the busted lock that you
should be able to push in from the outside!
(They
rush to that part of the house and stare at the window)
Friend
1: That window is a foot high.
Friend
2: Nah – maybe a foot and a half, you’ll be fine.
Friend
1: Fine, whatever, my beach time is slipping further and further away the
longer we debate this. (Takes a running
leap, grabs onto the window ledge, and smacks open the window)
Friend
2: (Runs to grab Friend 1’s feet) We still have the ladder you can use –
Friend
1: Where’s the fun in that?! (Slowly
wriggles through the window opening) I think I’m stuck.
Friend
2: Just suck it in!
Friend
1: There’s nothing left! (Exhales fully
and is able to slide in farther) There we go…. Uh-oh.
Friend
2: (Sweating and pushing Friend 1’s feet up higher) Now what?
Friend
1: Well, I’m in the shower, and I’m facing the floor head-first.
Friend
2: So, I don’t know, just… Spider-Man your way down the wall or something!
Friend
1: OK…. (Slowly palms down the wall until the shower faucet is in reach, then
grabs and braces feet on the wall to pivot down onto the stall floor) Ha? I did it?
I did it and I didn’t kill or paralyze myself, hooray!
Friend
2: (Eyes peering through the window) Yay!
Now open the door.
Friend
1: Right. (Rips aside the shower curtain
to run out of the bathroom and nearly crashes into a child who is standing in
the doorway) Oop! Hello.
Child:
Hi.
Friend
1: …Well, I have the owner’s permission to break in, so what’s your excuse?
Child:
My mommy saw you on the roof and told me to bring the spare key over to let you
guys in.
Friend
1: Oh. And your mommy is a close
neighbor, then?
Child:
Yeah, we’re right next door and she said you were going to break your neck in
about five minutes and that no one on this block ever remembers they’d all given
her a spare key because she’s the only one home all day and what’s the point of
giving her a spare key if no one remembers they’ve given it to her –
Friend
2: (Rushes in from the hallway) Oh!
How’d you get in here?
Child:
My mommy has a spare key. (Holds up the
key to Friend 2) Would you like it back?
Friend
2: No, honey, you can take it back home – please thank your mother and tell her
I’ll talk to her later. And take a
cookie from the jar in the kitchen on your way out.
Child:
Yippee! (Skips out)
Friend
1: (With a blank face) So that child’s mommy also has a spare key.
Friend
2: I honestly didn’t remember having a second spare until just this moment.
Friend
1: We will speak no more on this. (They make
their way out the side door; Friend 2 grabs the keys from the kitchen table and
they tumble out the door. As Friend 2
locks up) Sooo, where were we an hour ago?
Friend
2: Leaving. (They throw all their stuff
into Friend 2’s car and take off for the beach)
Friend
1: (Settles in the passenger seat) You know, now that that’s all over, that was
kind of fun.
Friend
2: Please.
Friend
1: I think I’ll have bruises all over my body, but right now I feel quite
content.
Friend
2: Uh-huh. (Slams on the brakes as they
reach the two-mile backed-up traffic for the beach, then slumps) And we could
have missed all this if we had left on time.
Friend
1: (Dozing off) Mm-hm – still say we should have used the rock first.
No comments:
Post a Comment