Story 296: I Had to Take a Defensive Driving Course

            (Driver is sitting at a kitchen table, sorting and tossing aside 90% of the mail, then sees a large envelope with a car insurance logo as the return address)

            Driver: Ugh – it’s that time of the year again.  (Opens the envelope and flips through several pages, eyes growing ever wider with each page) What – (Flips page) What – (Flips page) What – (Flips page) WHAAAAAAAT????!!!!  (Grabs the phone, dials a number with shaking fingers, and waits for the A.I. to answer) Question on policy…. NO!...  Question on bill…. NO!!!  Premium!  (Slowly shreds pages as the hold music plays)

            Representative: (Voice) Thank you for calling ------- Insurance, this is -------, first may I have all your personal information so I can confirm your identity and possibly steal it later?

            Driver: Fine, everyone else has it by now.  (Answers questions)

            Representative: Right, so now we know you’re you, how may I assist you today?

            Driver: OK, so I know none of this is your fault –

            Representative: Damn straight.

           Driver: – but I just got my annual auto insurance premium in the mail today and the amount has pole vaulted about 100% from last year, even though I’ve miraculously never had any accidents ever, and the car isn’t getting any younger, so, what?

          Representative: Let me see what happened between last year and this…. Ah!  Got it: surcharges and accident payments went up for your state this year.

            Driver: Soooo, you’re saying I have to pay more because everyone else here can’t drive?!

            Representative: Pretty much.  Your state sucks.

            Driver: This is so unfair!

           Representative: You’re not kidding – I wish I could call in a superhero to fight this for you, but they don’t exist so to keep you from jumping ship to another company in the meantime, I can check to see if we can apply any other discounts that aren’t already there… Ooh, did you ever serve in the military?

           Driver: To my shame, no.  And I think I’m too borderline middle-aged now for them to take me.

            Representative: OK; have you taken a defensive driving course lately?

            Driver: Ohhh, no?  No one’s ever told me to.  That’s something that would help?

            Representative: Oh definitely: it shows you take safe driving seriously.

            Driver: I certainly take saving money seriously.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

           (In an office building, Driver enters a semi-full classroom where all the desks have computers)

            Instructor: Hello, you’re here for “Defensive Driving and You”?

            Driver: Yepperz – are we heading out soon or should I park myself here first, heh-heh?

         Instructor: (Chuckles) Oh no, none of you will actually be driving for this – the course is completely electronic.

         Driver: Wait, what?  Why?  There’re all those cones outside, why aren’t we going to be crashing into them?!

          Instructor: Our insurance doesn’t cover road tests.  Think of this as equivalent to a restaurant that’s BYOB: if you want to practice anything you’ve learned here, feel free to do so on your own time and on your own deductible.

            Driver: So I could’ve done this whole course from home then?!

           Instructor: I suppose if you had the Internet access, which not everyone does.  Now, please take a seat: you’re disturbing the rest of the class.

            Driver: (Turns to see everyone else in the room glaring) Oh.  As you were.  (Heads for a spot in the very last row and slumps down in the seat)

            Instructor: All right everyone, please log in with the username and password provided to you earlier.  (Everyone does so) Have the headphones we gave you ready for the audio portions of the program and take as much time as you need for each module, but please note you will be automatically logged out after the course ends in six hours –

            Driver: WHAT?!

           Instructor: – so you must complete the final test by then, or come back another day and pay another fee for the privilege of doing this all over again.  Ready?

            Driver: No.

            Instructor: And begin!  (Reclines on a sofa and brings out a mass market paperback to read)

          Driver: (Puts on headphones, selects the first module of the course, and begins clicking through the slides) [Thinks while watching a video] Wow, the people they picked to drive for this thing are terrible.… Wonder if they did it for the cash?

SIX HOURS LATER

            Instructor: (Jolts awake by a watch beeping) OK, time’s up!  (Sees the whole room is empty except for Driver) Oh good, guess most of them finished early.  (To Driver) You almost done?  The course is going to time you out in about 10 seconds.

          Driver: (Swearing, shaking, and wincing while clicking on answers) Almost… there… (Selects “Submit” on the final test, then buries face in arms on the desk)

            Instructor: (Walks to the back of the room to see Driver’s screen) It’s safe to look.

            Driver: (Looks up sharply at the screen and raises arms in victory) 80%!  I won, I won, I won!

            Instructor: Well, you certainly passed – hit that button and it’ll print out the certificate for you up at the front of the room, and you’ll also get it by e-mail –

            Driver: (Runs to the front of the room and grabs the certificate as it exits the printer) That-was-great-thanks-a-bunch-I-never-want-to-see-you-again-byeeee!!!  (Continues out the door)

          Instructor: (Looks around the empty classroom) And there goes another of my Saturdays.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

          Driver: (On the phone while sorting the mail) But I don’t really wanna go to their party – would they even notice if I was missing?

            Mom: (Voice) Probably not, but then who would I talk to while I’m stuck there?

            Driver: OK, I’ll go for you then – oh.  (Sees a large envelope with a car insurance logo as the return address)

            Mom: What?

            Driver: I think this is my updated car insurance from when I took that course last week.

            Mom: Oh good, it’s always nice when people actually process the paperwork you send them.

            Driver: (Tears apart the envelope and flips through the pages) Yes-yes-yessss!!!  The bill went down, hurrah!

            Mom: Oh honey, I’m so happy for you!  How much lower is it, if you don’t mind me asking?

           Driver: Uh, let’s see…. (Grabs the older taped-up premium that was lying on the kitchen table off to the side, looks back and forth between that and the new premium, and emits a strangled cry)

            Mom: What is it?

            Driver: It went down as much as I paid for the course!!