Story 508: Intense Picture Card Game

(Six family members sit around a circular kitchen table, playing cards in hand)

Adult 1: (Sets the rest of the pile in the middle of the table, picks up the top card, and places it face-up next to the pile; turns to Child 1 on the left) All right, now you go first.

Child 1: OK.... (Sorts cards) Wait a minute…. (Sorts some more) Hold on….

Adult 2 (To Adult 1) Remind me again why we picked the 10-card game?

Adult 1: It ups the stakes.

Adult 2: What stakes?

Child 1: (Finishes sorting hand) Got it!  (Looks at face-up card, then back at hand) I’ve got nothing.

Adult 1: Well that was worth the wait.  (To Adult 2) You go.

Adult 2: (Draws a card, then discards another) Changed the color and the fauna!

Child 2: Oh no, my entire strategy is ruined!

Adult 3: You can’t have too much of a strategy when there’re six players – the game’s direction changes five times before it reaches you.

Adult 4: More if we reverse order… which I’m not planning at the moment….

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: You just went!

Child 1: Nobody’s moving so I thought I missed it.

Child 2: I can’t think with all this chatter – I invoke the Silence Rule!

Adult 1: That’s not recognized in this forum; just go already.

Child 2: Fine.  (Lays down a card)

Adult 3: Yessss!!!!  (Triumphantly throws down a card and turns to Adult 4) In your face!  Draw half the deck now.

Adult 4: (To Adult 3) Remind me on games going forward never to sit next to my spouse.  (Draws half the deck)

Adult 1: Finally.  (Lays down two cards) Now everyone has to draw three cards each or lose a turn.

(Almost everyone else groans)

Adult 4: (As cards spill onto the table while being sorted) I will willingly lose a turn, thanks.

Adult 3: (As everyone except Adult 1 and Adult 4 draws three cards) Doesn’t matter, I can still slam you with a doozy again, AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Adult 4: Seriously, do the marriage vows mean nothing to you?

Adult 1: (To Child 1) You go now.

Child 1: Oh!  Nobody’s moving so I thought it was someone else’s turn.  Ummm….  (Sorts through cards, then lays down five of them on the discard pile) Does anyone have any purples?

Adult 1: You’re supposed to ask that before you discard.

Child 2: I don’t.

Adult 2: I don’t.

Adult 3: I don’t.

Adult 4: (Setting up cards on a music stand) I shockingly don’t.

Child 1: Oh.  (Starts to take the cards back from the pile) Does anyone have –

Adult 1: (Grabs the five cards and sets them back on the pile) Too late, you already asked, the answer’s no, your turn’s over.

Child 1: But I forgot the rule.

Adult 1: Too bad!  Next!

Child 1: Rude.

Adult 2: Does anyone have any lions?

Adults 1, 3, and 4, and Child 2: Yes.

Child 1: (As the others give their cards to Adult 2) How is that even possible?  The odds are astronomical!

Adult 4: (Still sorting) Beats me: I still have half the deck and no winning combination.

Adult 3: It’s OK, hon, I’ve got another card that’ll give you a whole bunch more to play with!

Adult 4: So thoughtful.

Child 2: NOT.  SO.  FAST.  (Lays down a very ornately decorated card)

Adults 1-4 and Child 1: (Lean in to peer at the card in the table’s center) Ooooooooooohhhhhhh….

Child 2: That’s right: I have been the possessor of The Chronos Reversus Card this whole time, and I declare this game REVERSED!

Adult 2: NOOOOO!!!!!  I was winning!

Child 2: Not anymore!  All is undone!  Take that, world!

Adult 4: (Starts sweeping up cards) Sweet.

Adult 1: Hold it!  (Everyone freezes; Adult 1 holds up a card) I, too, have a game-changing card.  (Lays down another, equally ornately decorated card)

Adult 2: (Gasps) The Reversus Reverse!

Adult 3: (To Adult 4) I didn’t think this deck had that one.

Adult 1: Precisely!  (To Child 2) I have undone your undoing, wretch!

Child 2: (Slumps) Aw nuts, this was the first time I ever got to play that card, too.

Adult 1: That’s life.  (To the rest of the table) Well?  The Apocalypse has been cancelled; you may proceed.

Adult 4: Swell.  (Starts sorting cards on the music stand again)

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: No!

Child 1: But you just went.

Adult 1: (Gestures to Child 2) Only to foil that one’s shenanigans – game play will continue with the regular rotation!

Adult 3: So that’s me.  (To Adult 4) Here you go, sweetie!  (Lays down a mostly blank card)

Adult 4: (Leans in to stare at it) Is this the one where I have to take the rest of the deck?

Adult 3: It sure is!

Adult 4: (Picks up the rest of the deck) You know, it’s not so much the cards you’re playing as the utter glee you’re taking in my destruction that makes me want to call a divorce lawyer.

Adult 3: Aw, you love it!

Adult 4: I really don’t.

Child 2: (Points at the now-empty space on the table) Hey, since the deck’s gone what are we supposed to draw from?

Adult 1: I… don’t know; this has never happened before.  (Takes out a thousand-page rule book and starts scanning the index)

Adult 3: Yay, I made history!

Adult 4: (Stands up to stretch out on the floor) Whelp, while we’re waiting for guidance, I’m taking a nap.

Adult 3: And I’m taking your cards!

Adult 4: Please do.

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: (Frantically flipping through the pages) No, it’s mine, but I don’t know what to do yet because I need to draw at least seven cards and now there’s nothing!

Adult 2: (Stands and places cards face-up on the table) I’m taking this as a sign that I won – read `em and weep while I go start dinner.  (Leaves the table and heads for the other side of the kitchen)

Adult 1: Hey, wait, you can’t just leave, we’re – (Sees Adult 2’s cards) oh right, you did win, never mind.

Child 2: (As the rest start turning in their cards) And I thought The Chronos Reversus Card was gonna be the game-ender.

Child 1: At least you got to play a hand – the one time I had something it turned out I messed it up.

Adult 3: (Toeing Adult 4’s side) Wake up, darling, game’s over, all the cards are gone forever now.

Adult 4: (Wakes up yawning) Oh good – I dreamt I was drowning in them.

Adult 1: (Still holding the open rule book after everyone else has dispersed throughout the house) Maybe I should’ve pushed harder for playing all-in poker instead.

Story 507: To Get What You Want, Stop Wanting It So Much

(In an office, Coworker 1 is nodding while listening to the voice on the other end of a desk phone; one seat over, Coworker 2 is typing gibberish while listening to both)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. Uh-huh…. No, I get it…. I understand…. No, I appreciate you telling me sort-of in-person…. Yeah, thank you, I will…. OK, thanks.... Bye.  (Gently sets down the receiver, then picks it up again and slams it down several times) No, I don’t get it; no, I don’t understand!  (Sheepishly turns to Coworker 2) Sorry; I’m done now.

Coworker 2: (Still typing) Didn’t get the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Grits teeth while staring at the phone accusingly) No, I did not.  (Turns back to Coworker 2) I know I don’t have all the qualifications but I certainly worked harder for it!

Coworker 2: So?

Coworker 1: “So?”!  So that means I wanted it more and should’ve gotten it!

Coworker 2: Clearly not: wanting something more only increases your disappointment when you don’t get it.  Plus it reeks of desperation and that usually repels the people in the position to give it to you.

Coworker 1: Oh.  So you’re saying I should’ve “negged” them instead?

Coworker 2: Nah, negging usually repels people even more: putting them down would only further justify their withholding.

Coworker 1: Makes sense.  Any suggestions on what I should do, then?

Coworker 2: (Finally stops typing and swivels to face Coworker 1) Whelp, I’ve found that appropriating one of the basic tenets of a religion that I don’t practice has changed my life: I came across a quote from Buddhism one day saying that the root of all suffering is desire, and it hit me over the head with how much perfect sense it made.  I stopped wanting things so much, and I’ve never been happier.

Coworker 1: Really?  Just like that?

Coworker 2: Uh-huh.  I then started getting more of what I had wanted, right when I didn’t really want them anymore, so you see the irony.  (Turns back to type actual words on the computer)

Coworker 1: (Thoughtfully) Huh.  Nothing else to it?  You don’t also have to meditate, or fast, or anything else that that religion might entail?

Coworker 2: Nah, I’m too lazy and hypocritical for all that integrity.  And it seems to be working without me doing anything else, soooo… yeah.

Coworker 1: (Taps a random key while deep in thought) Hmmmm….

Coworker 2: If you actually are going to start meditating, please do it silently while in my presence; it’s the only payment I demand for my free advice.

Coworker 1: (Stops tapping) Got it.

(In a supermarket warehouse the next day, Coworker 1 pushes a shopping hand truck up and down aisles until reaching an open section where there is a massive giveaway table surrounded by shoppers and staffed by one overwhelmed employee)

Coworker 1: (Reading the details on signs) Ooh, I’ve been wanting this for years, and now it’s free?!  (Sees the crowd and dwindling supplies) Nope; no, they’ll just run out right when I shove my way to the front, and I’ll have aggravated myself for nothing.  Best not to want it at all…. (Turns hand truck back to the aisles and continues shopping, nonchalantly)

(At the checkout)

Cashier: (Finishing scanning Coworker 1’s purchases) Did you get one of the giveaways they had in the center of the store?

Coworker 1: (Chuckles) Oh, no, I passed on all that madness.

Cashier: Would you like one?  (Holds up a giveaway) We all got it, but I don’t want mine and I’m trying to get rid of it.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the giveaway) … If you insist.

(At home the next day, Coworker 1 sits at the kitchen table, holding a cell phone with closed eyes)

Coworker 1: (Muttering) Don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it – (Opens eyes, selects a contact, and places a call) Hi, how’s everything?... Really quick: you know how for my birthday I originally said I wanted that collector’s edition comic book that I’d lost when I was a kid, but you said you were having a really hard time finding it and probably couldn’t get it?... Well, now I don’t want it anymore, so you can just get me a pack of gum or something instead…. You did find it?... Just now, you say?...  What an amazing coincidence!  Never mind, then!... Thanks, you too, bye!  (Ends the call and looks up triumphant, then haunted) This is getting a little scary.

(At the office the next day, Coworker 1 is nodding while listening to the voice on the other end of a desk phone; one seat over, Coworker 2 is typing gibberish while listening to both)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. Yeah, wow, that’s great…. No, I get it…. I understand…. No, I appreciate you telling me sort-of in-person…. Yeah, thank you, I will…. OK, thanks.... Bye.  (Gently sets down the receiver)

Coworker 2: (Still typing) Got the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2 in shock) Yes!  Whatever-their-name-is changed their mind last-minute and turned it down, so it defaulted to me!

Coworker 2: Well, congratulations.

Coworker 1: But I’d already stopped wanting it!

Coworker 2: And hence the irony.

Coworker 1: (Buries head in hands) What am I gonna dooo????

Coworker 2: Take the promotion?

Coworker 1: (Looks up again) Obviously.  But that isn’t all.  (Reaches into pants pockets, pulls out a bunch of $1 scratch-off tickets, and holds them out to show Coworker 2, who finally stops typing and swivels to face Coworker 1) Look at these: all winners.

Coworker 2: Sweet.

Coworker 1: (Shoves tickets back into pockets) Those new sneakers I pined after for weeks but could never afford?  Accidentally shipped to my address, in my size, due to a glitch and they’re letting me keep them.

Coworker 2: Nice.

Coworker 1: My dream vacation to Antarctica that I knew would never happen?  Just got offered to me yesterday all expenses paid with my local nerd explorers group because they’re suddenly short a “civilian volunteer”.

Coworker 2: Fortuitous.

Coworker 1: But all these great things are happening to me after I don’t want them anymore!

Coworker 2: And the problem is?

Coworker 1: I’m afraid if I do start wanting them again so that I actually can enjoy them, doesn’t that mean they’ll all be taken away?!

Coworker 2: Doubtful: I think gratitude might be the other half of the equation, so as long as you have that then you should be all set.

Coworker 1: Really?

Coworker 2: Definitely.  I stopped wanting to be CEO of this company years ago and that’s when it finally happened, so I was thankful for it and have been freewheeling ever since.  (Resumes typing)

Coworker 1: …Wait, you’re our CEO?!

Coworker 2: Yep.  You’re doing a great job, by the way; just need to cut down on the phone calls a bit.

Coworker 1: What?!

Coworker 2: Thanks to employees like you, the company basically runs itself; I rarely have to go to meetings anymore, which I made sure to want extra badly so they’d go away.

Coworker 1: But you come in here and work at this dinky desk every day!   Why would you do that when you could be literally anywhere else?!

Coworker 2: Gives me something to do.

Story 506: The Fall From Summer

 (At an outdoor public pool, Friend 1 and Friend 2 lie stretched out on lounge chairs, reading waterproof books and watching families splash around in glee)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) So, are you going to spend more than five minutes in the pool we paid $15 to spend all day in?

Friend 1: Are you?

Friend 2: …Maybe.

Friend 1: Same.  Besides, it’s more of the social experience than the actual getting-wet part.

Friend 2: You haven’t said one word to anyone here besides me; we could have done the same thing at a park for free.

Friend 1: But this way feels as if we’re at least making an effort.

Swimmer: (Climbs out of the pool and nods at Friend 1 and Friend 2 while passing their chairs) Good morning!

Friend 2: Good –

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me.

Friend 2: MORNING, hope you’re having a great day!

Swimmer: (Continues on uncertainly) Uh, thanks, you too.

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) You know, at this rate I’m shocked no one’s smacked you for your rudeness yet.

Friend 1: So am I.  (They both return to reading.  After several moments, a gentle breeze wafts by; Friend 1 suddenly sits up, ripping off sunglasses and hissing through clenched teeth) Did you feel that?!

Friend 2: (Tiredly, without looking up from the book) What, did you get splashed by a stray drop of water from an inconsiderate child in the giant pool we’re sitting in front of?

Friend 1: No!  Well yes, but I’ve risen above it – no, I was referring to that, that… (Points up to the sky) ill-omened wind.

Friend 2: I… felt a slight breeze for less than a second, if that’s what you meant.

Friend 1: Oh, that was no breeze: that was The Herald.  The Harbinger.  The Portent of Things to Come.

Friend 2 I didn’t hear there’s supposed to be rain today.

Friend 1: I’m talking about fall!  It’s here already, can’t you feel it?!  (The breeze wafts once more) There it is again!

Friend 2: It’ll be over 90° Fahrenheit for the next week.

Friend 1: Doesn’t matter!  We’re in September: the planet tilting away from the Sun in this hemisphere has reached the tipping point, the coolness of dread has begun, there’s no going back, the magic is over!

Friend 2: Calm down.

Friend 1: How can I when summer has come to a crashing end and all joy has ceased to be?!  (Notices that everyone in the pool had stopped splashing and now are staring at both of them)  I’m rehearsing lines for a play.  (They shrug and return to splashing)

Friend 2: I would be embarrassed but you manage to draw all attention to yourself, so thanks for that at least.  (Returns to reading)

Friend 1: (Lies back on the lounge chair and shoves sunglasses back on) That’s right, continue on in your ignorant bliss; I’ll mourn the passing of fun times and the illusion of permanent youth in silence.

Friend 2: Please do.

(The next day, Friend 1 approaches the main counter in a café)

Barista: Hi!  How can I help you toady?

Friend 1: I would like a giant refresher, please.

Barista: (Winces slightly) Sorry, those aren’t on the menu anymore until next summer.

Friend 1: It still is summer for another three weeks; I have a cactus on my windowsill that melted just this morning.

Barista: Yeah, but you know how it is in the World of Retail: end of August means Back-to-School sales, Halloween decorations, and fake Christmas trees.  Would you like me to whip you up a pumpkin-spice something?

Friend 1: I will pass on that abomination and take a regular brownie instead.

Barista: I hear ya – between you and me, gingerbread is where it’s at.

Friend 1: Making it worse.

Barista: Gotcha.

(The next day, Friend 2 answers the phone while cooking in the kitchen) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Lying on the living room couch, wrapped up in blankets) I had to put on a sweater today.

Friend 2: What?  Oh, yeah, that cold front came in all of a sudden; I think it’s from that hurricane that hit south of us, those poor people –

Friend 1: It’s still summer!

Friend 2: Well, it was hot before when we technically were still in spring, so….

Friend 1: It’s hot all year long now, that’s not the point!  It’s not supposed to be cool breezes with falling leaves and homework yet; it’s supposed to still be super-hot all the time with 16 hours of daylight and beaches and boardwalks and roller coasters and ice creams and sleepovers and vacations and happiness forever and – and – and –

Friend 2: Are you crying?

Friend 1: Not yet.

Friend 2: (Resumes slicing an onion) Good.  Now, listen carefully because I’m only going to say this once: in about two months there’ll be peppermint hot chocolate.

Friend 1: I suppose I’ll have to settle for that as a trade-off.