Thursday, January 24, 2019

Story 273: Wait, You Don’t Want to Hear My Life Story?!


            Hairdresser: So, what’ll it be today?
            Client: I was thinking a few inches, you know, up to here.
            Hairdresser: The usual, then.  (Starts snipping away) So, how’re the kids?
           Client: Oh, they’re great – the oldest made the basketball team this year, and – (Goes on for 20 minutes) Anyway, after all that happened, I’m seriously considering sending that one to military school.
            Hairdresser: Uh-huh.
            Client: Yeah.  Speaking of –
            Hairdresser: All done!  (Flourishes cape off Client)
            Client: Oh.  Thanks.  Looks good.  (Stands and hands over a tip)
            Hairdresser: Thank you, have a great day, come back soon, byyyyyyeeeee!  (Moves on to the next client at the washing station)
            Client: (On the way to the cash register) I didn’t get to finish my story….

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            Dentist: I see you just need a cleaning today?
          Patient: (All set up in the chair and wearing the bib) Well, maybe.  You see, Doc, my gums have been a bit inflamed lately – you think it might be the gingivitis we’ve always feared?
           Dentist: We’ll find out!  Open up.  (Patient opens mouth as Dentist explores with mirror and scraper) Oh yeah, you’ve got quite a few things going on: we’ll be here awhile.  (Unravels array of implements on a tray)
            Patient: [Gurgle]
         Dentist: (Props open Patient’s mouth, inserts the saliva ejector, and goes to work) So, everything going well with you since your last visit?
            Patient: Wauh, ah –
            Dentist: Ooh, that’s a nice little cavity we’ve got here!
            Patient: Aughua?!
           Dentist: Heh-heh, save that one for later – let’s see what else we can find first.  So, how’ve you been doing with the snow this week?
            Patient: Ehoua –
Dentist: (Begins drilling) Yeah, every day I had to clean off my car and shovel out the entire driveway – by myself, mind you – and then it took me forever just to get here what with the way the streets are plowed – do they even sand the roads anymore?  (Thirty minutes later) I mean what are we paying taxes for, am-I-right?
Patient: Umf-uh.
Dentist: (Turns off tools) Well, all done, good as new, don’t eat anything for at least an hour, see you in six months!  (Raises chair, removes equipment and bib, and dashes to the next patient, as the rest of the day now is just so far behind)
Patient: (Sits in the chair for a few moments, holding tender jaw) They sand by me.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

Cashier: Hello, did you find everything you needed today?  (Begins scanning items)
Customer: No, but too late now: I’m not going back out there.
Cashier: Heh-heh.  (Scans faster)
Customer: I mean, no matter where I go, there’re like a billion people everywhere, right?
Cashier: Yeah.
Customer: I mean, where did all these people come from, you know?
Cashier: …From other people?
Customer: HA!  Good one.  I mean, I just feel like I spend my entire life waiting on line, and all I want is new clothes and shoes every day.  Life just isn’t fair, right?
Cashier: Yeah.  (Begins bagging while scanning)
Customer: I mean, I’m a good person, right?
Cashier: Yeah.
Customer: I don’t deserve to be stuck in traffic all the time on my way to the mall, or to be written up at work for being “disruptive,” whatever that means, just because I regularly make a few personal phone calls in the office, or to have my so-called friends stab me in the back just because I was being honest and told them that they’re horrible demons, right?
Cashier: Yeah.
Customer: I mean –
Cashier: Sorry, do you have a rewards card with us?
Customer: Oh.  Yeah, here.  (Hands over card)
Cashier: (After swiping) That’ll be $600.23.
Customer: (Hands over credit card) These prices, I tell you, everything’s gotten so expensive you can’t even treat yourself to a little somethin’-somethin’ anymore –
Cashier: (Hands cards and 20 bags of merchandise over to the Customer) Thank you, have a good night, next!
Customer: (Expertly carries bags and leaves the store) And I didn’t even get started on my views of the tax system.

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Story 272: The Accidental Adventure


            (Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)
            Friend 2: (Looking out the window) Sure you still don’t want to try ---------- ----- Park?
            Friend 1: They’re digging up half the place to install who-knows-what and the other half’ll be all muddy with yesterday’s rain.  Least at ----- ---- Park, we can use the paved trails all the way and hop on the roads if the mud takes over.
            Friend 2: Yeah, but this is the off-season; the beaches there are closed.
           Friend 1: And?  We’re not there for the beach: it’s January and we’re not dedicated fishers, or surfers, or dog-walkers.
            Friend 2: The restrooms also will be closed.  (Friend 1 glares at Friend 2) Might be something to think about.
            Friend 1: I think you should’ve gone before we left, like a good child.
            (They drive into the park)
            Friend 2: Oh no, the sign says there’s limited service.
            Friend 1: Of course there is, it’s off-season; didn’t we just have this conversation?
            Friend 2: No, it says there’s limited service because of the government shutdown.
            Friend 1: (Covers right ear with right hand while steering with the left) No politics, la-la-la-la-la!
            Friend 2: It’s not – I’m telling you what the sign says; this technically is a national park so there’s going to be limited service here during the shut –
            Friend 1: (Briefly covers both ears) NO!  POLITICS!
            Friend 2: Obtuse.  I’m just surprised this place is even open at all.
            Friend 1: Whelp, they didn’t seal off the entrance and there’re other cars milling about like us, so we’re going for it!
            (They aim for a parking lot and see a ranger truck and wooden barricades are blocking it)
            Friend 2: Huh, people are still working here – good show.
            Friend 1: Aw man, this was my starting point for the trail!
            Friend 2: Why not just go back to where it starts by the park entrance?
            Friend 1: Go back?  Never!  It’s onward or nothing!  (Speeds off)
            Friend 2: You’re exhausting.
            (They turn onto a lane for another lot that leads through the woods and far off the main road)
            Friend 2: How big is this island?  We’ve been driving on this thing for five minutes and I’ve yet to see any other cars –
            Friend 1: (Leaning forward intensely and gripping the steering wheel) It’s not an island, it’s a peninsula!
            Friend 2: Seriously?!  Ooh, quick, there’s the lot over there!
           Friend 1: (Swerves into the lot and parks with screeching tires) See?  There are other cars here.
           Friend 2: Yes, two whole other cars.  I have no idea where we are now – where’s the trail map?
            Friend 1: (As they exit the car) I never bother with those here: it’s all paved trails, where else are we gonna go, the ocean?
            Friend 2: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean the trail won’t just disappear into the ocean, and then where will we be?!
            Friend 1: We’ll just keep the water on our left as we head back, now stop ruining this for me!  (Finds the trail) You coming or not?
          Friend 2: (Sighs) The moment we get lost, I’m turning around and leaving you with the seagulls.
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
            Friend 1: Ah, there’s the lighthouse!  The last time I tried to drive over to it I wound up in the middle of a small town and was afraid the Coast Guard was going to kick me out.
           Friend 2: Great, you finally found the ginormous lighthouse that’s been hiding from you all these years, can we go now?
            Friend 1: It took us 45 minutes to drive out here; we are staying at least an hour and a half to get our time’s worth.  I would say money’s worth, but they only charge admission in the summer.
            Friend 2: An hour and – ?  I don’t think I can walk that long in one stretch!
           Friend 1: Lazy.  Go sit on the World War II battery wall and I’ll get you on the way back, then.
          Friend 2: No way you’re not – the woods on the other side look like they’re hiding something up to no good.
TEN MINUTES LATER
            Friend 1: (Pointing to the right side of the trail) Oh look, a random workout station!
            Friend 2: That… certainly is random.
          Friend 1: Want to try it out?  I need to work on my arms.  (Hops onto one of the machines and begins pulling levers)
          Friend 2: That’s OK, I’m getting sufficient exercise at the moment.  (Hears a noise and freezes) Are there bears here?
            Friend 1: (In mid-pull) Huh?  Nah, just about 300 species of migratory birds, but no bears.
            Friend 2: How do you know?
            Friend 1: Said so on the Web site.  (Hops off the machine)
          Friend 2: Well what if that wasn’t updated?  What if bears were driven out of their homes on the mainland and decided to hang out here where it’s peaceful?  These trees aren’t big enough to climb away from them and there’s no one to call for help in time and I would never be able to outrun one and it’ll be a terrible way to die!
            Friend 1: You’re exhausting.  (Continues on the trail)
            Friend 2: That’s my line!
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
            Friend 1: Ooh, look over there – ruins!
            Friend 2: Huh?
            Friend 1: (Runs past and climbs up an elevated cement floor in a clearing, spreading arms out) I read this was a testing ground for World War II weapons – they used to fire the big guns here – (Points down, then over to a fenced off area behind them) and there’re old buildings over there where they used to store everything.  You can tell that was important `cause now it’s all condemned.
            Friend 2: (Reads one of the explanatory signs stationed in the area) Hm.  They used to shoot things here until they saw the range was too short and had to pack the whole thing off to another state.  Bet the wildlife here was happy about that.
            Friend 1: (Hops back down to the ground, looking off to the side) Yeah; wonder if that guy is a reenactor or something.
            Friend 2: (Looks up from the sign) What guy?
           Friend 1: (Gestures with head) That guy, with the old-timey uniform.  Think he’s an employee, or a volunteer who does this sort of stuff for kicks?
         (They watch as the guy walks to the condemned area, opens a non-existent door, and disappears from view)
            Friend 2: I’d like to get lost some more now, please.
            Friend 1: Let’s.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
            (On a beach)
           Friend 2: All right, how much longer can I stare at the soothing waves and impersonal city skyline?
            Friend 1: (Staring at the waves) Just a little longer….
          Friend 2: (Looks behind them) Oh good, there’s the lighthouse; as long as we keep that in  view, we should be able to make our way back to the car easily.
            Friend 1: Hm?  Oh yeah, good, `cause I lost track of the turn-offs we made ages ago.  Guess I should’ve brought a trail map, huh?
            Friend 2: Sigh.
TEN MINUTES LATER
            Friend 2: So, the lighthouse should be getting bigger as we get closer to it, yes?
            Friend 1: Just keep walking: we are on the trail and the trail will not lead us astray.
            Friend 2: That’s true if we’re walking in the right direction –
            Friend 1: Never question the trail!
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
            Friend 2: Did we pass that half-collapsed building when we first got here this morning, or did we just pass it five minutes ago?
           Friend 1: (Starts spinning helplessly in the center of a grassy common, surrounded by old Navy buildings converted into marine science labs) I – don’t – know!!!!! (Collapses onto the grass and sobs)
            Friend 2: All right, get up.  (Hauls Friend 1 off the ground and brushes off grass; points to a road) I think that was by the beginning part of the trail that led us here; we can take that back and see if it’ll bring us to the car, OK?
            Friend 1: (Sniffles) OK.
            Friend 2: (Puts a comforting arm around Friend 1’s shoulder as they walk) Would you like me to make you some hot chocolate when we get back?
            Friend 1: (Sniffles) OK.
           (They turn a corner and see the car, now surrounded by a massive number of vehicles in the lot)
            Friend 1: (Runs to the car and kisses the windshield) Oh bless you, my baby, I’ll never leave you again!
            Friend 2: Whatever – could you let me in?
          Friend 1: Oh, right.  (Unlocks the doors and the two collapse inside) Wow, my feet sure do hurt.  Good thing we don’t have to walk all the way back home, heh?
            Friend 2: Heh-heh-heh – just drive.
           Friend 1: (Starts the engine, pulls out of the lot onto one of the roads, then slams on the brakes) So… any idea which way now to get out of here?