Story 494: Inappropriate Calf Raises

(In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk along a trail)

Friend 1: I’m just saying, if we want to see any lasting change for the better on this planet, then all of us should start taking some personal responsibility for once in our lives and stop breathing out so much carbon dioxide all day long.

Friend 2: You had me until that last phrase.  (Stops at a World War II memorial stationed next to the trail and spends a few moments reading the dedication and soldiers’ names)

Friend 1: (Leans in closer to read the inscription; to Friend 2) Any relatives of yours?

Friend 2: No; just figured I’d pay my respects, considering the day.

Friend 1: What’s today?  I thought it was just Memorial Day week… end…. (Trails off as Friend 2 gives Friend 1 a withering look) Never mind me.

Friend 2: Unbelievable.

(After a few moments of silence, they continue on the trail)

Friend 1: On another note –

Friend 2: Oh, what banality is it now?

Friend 1: I’ve been noticing lately that we walk for miles and miles every week, and yet my legs still are completely unacceptable.

Friend 2: (Stops walking to face Friend 1, who also stops) What?!

Friend 1: I mean, look at this!  (Raises one leg to demonstrate a weak calf) What do you call that?!

Friend 2: I call that needing more exercise than once a week.  Maybe join a gym?

Friend 1: (Lowers leg as they resume walking) Please.  No, I have no room in my busy schedule of relaxing after work to fit in anything else, but I also can’t believe all this walking is doing bupkis for the very muscles in action.

Friend 2: I don’t know, maybe do some calf raises during the day; those usually are quick and you can do them just about anywhere.

Friend 1: Picking up a baby cow is fast and easy?

Friend 2: …Now I know you can’t be that stupid.  (Stops again to slowly rise and lower on toes several times) These are calf raises.  (Stops those and they both begin walking again)

Friend 1: Ohhhhhhh…. And those’ll turn my legs into steel, then?

Friend 2: They should help, yeah.  And you can do a few anywhere, anytime, like when you’re standing on a long line or something.

Friend 1: Perfect: I know just the places I can do them, and then all my problems will be solved forever.

Friend 2: Wonderful.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a supermarket, Friend 1 is at the end of a long checkout line and suddenly starts bobbing up and down doing calf raises)

Customer: (Waiting behind Friend 1) Line’s pretty long still, if you’re trying to find the end of it.

Friend 1: (Looks back at Customer mid-raise) Huh?  Oh, no, I’m just doing calf raises.

Customer: Oh.  OK.  (Friend 1 turns around and starts bobbing up and down again) Kind of weird.

Friend 1: (While turning back) What?

Customer: What?

THE NEXT DAY

(In a department store before the start of the business day, Friend 1 and coworkers stand in a circle around the customer service desk as Manager leads a meeting)

Manager: – so if we don’t make plan this week then everybody’s hours are getting cut again, but since that’s nothing new let’s move on to Corporate’s project where you all need to sell at least one box of the company’s new cookies every shift – (To Friend 1) am I boring you?

Friend 1: (Stops at the top of a calf raise) Hm?  No, just aggravating – why?

Manager: You’re acting antsy with all that bobbing up and down there.

Friend 1: (Resumes) Just some calf raises to start off the day!

Manager: Not on company time they aren’t.

Friend 1: (Thuds back down on heels) Oh.  (Whispers to Coworker as Manager continues the meeting) How do those affect company time?

Coworker: (Shrugs and whispers back without looking at Friend 1) Don’t ask me; I just work here.

THE NEXT DAY

(At a funeral home, Friend 1 and Cousin sit on folding chairs in the center of the room, surrounded by mourners; the former starts doing calf raises while seated)

Cousin: (Leans over to Friend 1 and whispers) Knock it off.

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers heels to the floor) Good call.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 1 is in the living room doing calf raises while on the phone with Friend 2)

Friend 1: So I took your advice and started doing calf raises everywhere –

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: – and I really have been noticing a difference already; the wobbliness is almost all gone for the first time since high school! 

Friend 2: Well, that’s great, just don’t overdo it.

Friend 1: (Increases speed) Hey, what makes you think I’d overdo it?

Friend 2: I know you.

Friend 1: Point taken, but that’s just nonsense – ah!  (Falls to the floor in agony but never drops the phone)

Friend 2: What, what happened?!

Friend 1: (Uses a knuckle to select the speaker option on the phone, then drops it to grab both calves while grimacing) I pulled the muscles in my both my legs!

Friend 2: Right on schedule.

Story 493: An Extra Ticket

Relative 1: (Answers ringing phone) Hi, what’s up?

Relative 2: Hey!  So, you doing anything on Saturday?

Relative 1: Uh, don’t think so; why?

Relative 2: Well, the siblings and I want to go see the opera that day and there’s a family group discount thing that can be applied for a minimum of four people but there’s only three of us and no one else we called so far can go that day and we don’t want to get a fourth ticket if no one’s actually going to use it and it’s a really good deal but no worries since you’re our favorite cousin we’ll pay for your ticket and whaddya say?

Relative 1: Yeah, I don’t like opera.       

Relative 2: Perfect!  We’ll have great seats – second row orchestra if they haven’t been snatched up by some other family party yet – and we’ll even get your bus and subway tickets for there and back plus throw in lunch `cause you’re doing us such a huge favor.

Relative 1: …But I don’t like opera.

Relative 2: Awesome!  Show starts at 1:00; we’ll pick you up at 9:30 to give us enough time to get to the city and eat; you’re the best; see you then; byeeeeeeee!!!!!  (Ends the call)

Relative 1: (Still holding the phone) …But I don’t like opera.

 SATURDAY

(In the opera house, Relatives 1-4 find their seats in second row orchestra)

Relative 3: (As they all sit) Wow, this is terrific!  We’re so close we’ll be able to see when they miss their marks!

Relative 4: (To Relative 2) You really did get some of the best seats!

Relative 2: (Chuckles humbly) Well, it’s all thanks to you-know-who-here – (Gestures to Relative 1) who so graciously came along with us today so we could get these at an almost-reasonable price.

Relative 1: (Hunched over with arms and legs crossed) Yeah; so how long’s this thing?

Relative 3: Ooh, I saw that in the program…. (Flips through the pages) Ah, here: five hours and 20 minutes.

Relative 1: (Uncrosses limbs) WHAT?!

Relative 3: Oh don’t worry, that’s counting the two intermissions that’re 40 minutes long each.

Relative 4: Lots of scenery to build up and break down between acts, you know.  Plus the singers need to rest after screaming at each other and throwing themselves across the stage for over an hour.

Relative 1: (To Relative 2) You didn’t say anything about this thing being almost a quarter of a day long!

Relative 2: Sorry, I thought you knew this particular work was an especially lengthy one.

Relative 1: Why would I?!  I DON’T LIKE OPERA!

Relative 2: First I’m hearing of it.

Relative 3: (As the house lights dim) Ssh-ssh, it’s starting!

Relative 1: (Hissing to Relative 2) And how am I supposed to understand what’s going on when the entire thing’s recited in a language I never learned?!

Relative 2: (Points to panels with buttons on the back of the seats in front of them) You can pull up English subtitles here – now, enjoy the drama!

Relative 1: (Pushes buttons until the English subtitles appear as the conductor takes the podium to applause; mutters) Can’t believe I have to work in order to watch something.  (The overture begins) …At least the music’s decent.

 FIRST INTERMISSION

(The house lights come on again as nearly everyone in the audience stands to stretch)

Relative 4: Golly, this production is fantastic!

Relative 3: Definitely!  I mean, of course the singers and musicians are phenomenal, but those sets!  What a bold choice for them to relocate the action from 18^th-century Venice to a 50^th-century spaceship headed for the Andromeda Galaxy!

Relative 2: Right, and the costumes now being astronaut suits, except one character I think is supposed to be an inhabitant of the planet the main cast landed on so that one’s just in shorts and a T-shirt.

Relative 4: Oh, I thought that character was just the crew’s boss.

Relative 3: Ooh, and replacing the original story’s swords with ray guns?  Brilliant.

Relative 2: (To Relative 1) So, what do you think?

Relative 1: (Staring at the curtain covering the stage) I’m… not sure.

Relative 2: How do you mean?

Relative 1: It’s just… is the main character really out to avenge the family members who were tragically lost, or is the objective actually interplanetary colonization?

Relative 2: Oh, well, the original story was the vengeance angle, but you may be right that this new version added another layer of meaning to everything else going on.

Relative 4: Lyrics are all still the same, though; they held up surprisingly well over the centuries.

Relative 1: (As the house lights dim to start Act 2) Yeah… surprising….

 SECOND INTERMISSION

(The house lights come on again as nearly everyone in the audience stands to stretch)

Relative 1: (Bawling) I don’t understand – why can’t those two spend the rest of their lives together?!

Relative 2: (Also bawling) Duty!  Honor!  The Family!  Pick one!

Relative 1: But the musical cues make it seem like they’re perfect for each other!

Relative 3: (Also bawling) That’s what makes it all the more tragic!

Relative 4: (Also bawling) That and the destruction of Earth and the collateral damage from invasion – but those parts were added just to this version.

Relative 1: I don’t think I can take much more of this!

Relative 2: It’s all right; only two hours to go.

Relative 1: Arrrgggghhhhh!!!

 TWO HOURS LATER

(The cast and orchestra members bow to standing ovations)

Relatives 2-4: (Applauding wildly) Yaaaaaayyyy!!!!

Relative 1: (Applauding wildly while sobbing) You all broke my heart!  Every last one of you!

(Outside the opera house, Relatives 1-4 walk to the nearest subway station)

Relative 4: That was amazing!

Relative 3: Totally!   So glad we got to do this.

Relative 2: Yes, a great day out – (To Relative 1) wouldn’t you say?

Relative 1: (Emerging from being deep in thought) Hm?  Oh, yeah, great.

Relative 2: Sooooo, did you wind up liking it in spite of yourself?

Relative 1: (Stops walking to stare at Relative 2, who also stops) I can’t get the music out of my head.  The singers’ performances will haunt me to the end of my days.  I will never be moved by anything as much as what I experienced just now.  Opera has invaded my soul and claimed me as its own – help me, help me!

Relative 2: (To Relatives 3 and 4) Oh dear, I think we created a monster.

Relative 3: Hey, don’t knock it: the arts'll take all the support they can get these days.

Story 492: Cat Corraller

(Outside a house on a residential street, Homeowner is chatting with Neighbor while holding the front door ajar)

Neighbor: Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for “live-and-let-live,” but if that kid’s moped-thing comes roaring down the street at 2:00 in the morning one more time, well – you’re gonna see some serious finger-wagging coming out of me, let me tell ya.

Homeowner: (Nodding quickly) Sure, OK, thanks for the warning, I’ve just gotta go back – (Turns to go inside when a gray streak flies past both sets of human legs) Oooohhhh, shooooooooooot!!! (Lets the door close and starts running after the blur)

Neighbor: Heh, what was that?

Homeowner: Darn cat got out again – I thought Lil’ Terror was safe in the den for the two minutes I was out here!  (Claps hands at several shaking bushes)

Neighbor: Yeah, they escape anything, those mini-Houdinis

Homeowner: (Dives behind one of the bushes just as Lil’ Terror flees around the corner of the house; pops head up while spitting out leaves) You’re tellin’ me!  (Runs around to the side of the house) Sweetie-pie!  Come back here!

Neighbor: (Following the two around the lawn) Whelp, you’ll never be able catch creatures like that by chasing `em  - they’re much too fast and wily.

Homeowner: (Dives again, almost getting a whisker; Lil’ Terror zooms under another neighbor’s fence) Well, I don’t know what else to do; silly thing’s gonna keep on running and won’t be able to find the way back home, the dolt!

Neighbor: (Takes out a phone and makes a call) Leave it to me: I know someone perfect for the job....

(Within five minutes, a van pulls up to the front curb; the logo on the side reads “Cat Corraller: Professional Feline Herder.”  The uniformed driver emerges carrying a kit, a fishing rod, a carrier, and a butterfly net)

Cat Corraller: (To Neighbor, waiting by the street) You rang?

Neighbor: (As they walk to the side of the house) Yeah: the fur parent’s over there.  (Points to Homeowner who is up a tree “Pspspsps”-ing while leaning over the fence)

Cat Corraller: (To Homeowner while opening the kit) The target’s no longer on your property, then?

Homeowner: (Turns suddenly to Cat Corraller) Huh?  Oh, yeah, Lil’ Terror’s off in the neighbor’s yard, looking for… something that apparently can’t be found here.

Neighbor: No one’s home to open the gate, either – should we break it down?

Cat Corraller: No need.  (Pulls out a package of treats and sets up the butterfly net to receive; gesturing to the treats) These usually do the trick.

Homeowner: Oh right; mine are inside.

Cat Corraller: (Starts shaking the bag of treats loudly) Oh Kitty, what’s this I have in my hands?

Homeowner: (Still up in the tree, peers over the fence again) Yes!  Go to the treats, Lil’ Terror, go!

(A gray streak emerges from under the fence and barrels toward Cat Corraller)

Cat Corraller: Got ya, you little – (The gray streak snatches the bag out of Cat Corraller’s hand and zooms around the corner of the house) Ah.  We’ve got a slippery devil here.

Homeowner: (Climbs down the tree and joins the other two) What just happened?!

Cat Corraller: (Squints thoughtfully in the direction of the gray streak) That, is one who has transcended the evolutionary ladder and is able to outmaneuver interspecies apex opponents.  However – (Opens the kit to retrieve heavy-duty gloves) I do relish a challenge.

(The three humans slowly round the corner of the house and see the cat lying in the middle of the driveway, having ripped open the treat package and devouring the crunchies within)

Cat Corraller: (Whispers to the other two) Right – this is perfect.  We can triangulate the wee pain-in-the-patootie.  (Points to Homeowner) You: approach from the north.  (Points to Neighbor) You: approach from the south.  (Points to self) I: approach from the east.

Homeowner: But what if Lil’ Terror goes west?

Cat Corraller: Then you two go west, too!  Simple geometry!

(The three creep up on the snacking kitty; Lil’ Terror continues eating until the others are a foot away, then instantaneously abandons the bag to dash through the gap in their formation and disappear in a hedgerow as Homeowner and Neighbor dive and miss)

Cat Corraller: That was ineffective triangulation there, folks. 

Homeowner: (Wailing from the ground) We’re trying our best!

Neighbor: Yeah, and by all rights I shouldn’t even have to be doing any of this.

Cat Corraller: No cause to fret: we just need a new plan.

(An hour later, Lil’ Terror strolls back through the hedgerow, sniffs the place in the driveway where the treats are no longer, then strolls onto the empty front yard and stops to nibble on some grass; attention is caught by a twitching cloth sardine that is several feet away.  The cat, licking lips, slowly begins stalking the sardine, body low, ears back, and rear end wriggling.  When Lil’ Terror leaps to pounce, the sardine is snatched away and reeled in across the law toward the house.  The cat runs after the sardine on a fishing wire, which is pulled in through the house’s open front door.  Lil’ Terror runs inside, straight into the arms of Homeowner as Neighbor slams the door shut from the outside.  In the living room, Cat Corraller finishes reeling in the sardine as Homeowner hugs the cat tightly)

Homeowner: Oh you silly, silly baby!  You gave me quite a scare there!

Cat Corraller: (Packing up gear) Aye, they do that to ye.  Here.  (Hands over the cloth sardine to Homeowner; Lil’ Terror starts gnawing it) On the house.  It’s got catnip inside, so it may come in handy for potential future round-ups.

Homeowner: Thank you so much, you’re a life-saver!

Cat Corraller: All in a day’s work.  Here’s also my bill.  (Hands over a large invoice) I took the liberty of writing this up as we lay in ambush.

Homeowner: Oh, right.  (Takes the paper while still holding the cat and scans the line items) This is quite a bit.

Cat Corraller: It was quite a bit of effort.

Homeowner: (Shakes head decisively) No matter – (To Lil’ Terror, now drooling over the sardine) worth every penny, aren’t you, sweetums?  (Back to Cat Corraller) You take a credit card?

Cat Corraller: I prefer cash.

Neighbor: (Entering through the side door) Whew!  That was certainly an exciting afternoon, but I sure am glad it’s all over now!  (A gray streak goes past Neighbor’s legs just before the door closes.  All three stare at the spot for several moments)

Homeowner: (With now-empty arms, hands the invoice back to Cat Corraller) You may want to add a few lines to this.

Cat Corraller: To be expected - `tis the nature of the business.