Story 349: Porch Pirates on the Residential Seas

(In a condo development, Resident checks e-mail on a phone while walking to the unit and sees a message stating “Your package has been delivered!” above a photo of the Resident’s front door with a small box on the ground in front of it.  Resident smiles, continues walking to the unit, then stops at the front door.  Resident stares at the empty space on the ground in front of the door, then at the photo on the phone, then back at the empty space, several times)

Resident: (To Neighbor walking by with a bicycle) Hey – did you see a package sitting here earlier today?

Neighbor: Oh yeah, I saw it when I got home around 3:00.  (Looks down at the empty space) I’m guessing you’re not the one who made it disappear.

Resident: No!  I just got home!

Neighbor: Well that stinks.  Looks like a porch pirate got to it first.

Resident: A what?

Neighbor: Porch pirate.  Steals people’s packages after they’re dropped off on the porch.

Resident: We don’t have porches!

Neighbor: Same principle applies.  They lie in wait for the opportunity to strike, and since they’re so fast and appear so casual and usually no one’s around, there’s almost 0% chance of them getting caught.  If you have a silent witness, though, that’d help.

Resident: What, you mean a dog?

Neighbor: Nah, a dog’d be mostly useless, unless you want assault charges.  I’m talking about one of those.  (Points to another unit’s doorbell camera) And even then tracking the thief’s tricky, unless they look right into the lens and hold up a sign with their name on it.

Resident: I guess, but it’s a moot point now, I’m still just as robbed!

Neighbor: Company’ll ship you a replacement whatever-it-was, I bet.

Resident: That’ll get stolen, too!

Neighbor: Hm.  Get a P.O. box, then?  Or just never have anything delivered again.  Bottom line: there’s no surefire way to stop porch pirates, so you just have to work around them.  (Hops onto the bicycle and rings the bell while gliding away)

Resident: Says who?!  (Unlocks the door and fumes into the living room, flopping onto the couch while muttering) “Porch pirates” – who do they think they are, taking people’s stuff and ruining our lives and the economy?  (Drifts into a doze)

           (A massive galleon sails into the parking lot of the condo development: 16^th-century dressed pirates hold onto various ropes and sails while shaking their swords in the air and yelling “Arrrrrrr!!!”  The ship sails up to Resident’s front door, where a package sits on the ground; the pirate perched off the ship’s bow leans down and snatches up the box)

            Pirate: Yoink!

            Crew: Huzzah!

           (They continue to shake their swords and yell as the ship sails down the middle of a residential street, then stops and drops anchor on top of a parked car.  The Captain (who looks like Resident) addresses the crew from the helm)

            Captain: Ahoy there, mateys!

            Crew: Ahoy, Cap’n!

           Captain: This be another fine day of plunderin’ ahead o’ we, the crew of the mightiest pirate ship in all the seven seas, The Rotten Cheapskates!

            Crew: Yaaaahhh!!!  (Swords shake in the air)

         Captain: Now, hear me, all ye: (All crouch down in a hush while Captain sweeps arms dramatically) the hour, be 3 o’ the clock; the residents, be still away at work; the ones not away, be glued to the boob tube, or in the midst of a well-deserved nap; the porches, be ours!

            Crew: Arrrr!!!!

           (Captain and Crew swing from ropes onto the street and rush to a house that has a large box sitting on the front porch)

            Captain: (Leading with a raised sword) There she blows!  Take yer prize, ye hard workers!

            Crew: Raaaaahhhh!!!!

            (They rush up the porch steps as a figure approaches (who looks like Neighbor), holding up a hand)

            Silent Witness: Halt, rapscallions!

            (Captain and Crew stumble to a stop on the steps; several fall off into the bushes)

            Captain: (Pointing with the sword) WHO BE YE??!!!

            Silent Witness: I am the Silent Witness!

            Captain: Not so silent right now.

         Silent Witness: Same principle applies.  I am the Protector of the Porch, Defender of the Domicile, Lover of Dogs –

            Captain: We be not afraid o’ ye!  We take what we want, and no piddlin’ peeper can stop we!

            First Mate: Us.

            Captain: Aye!

            Crew: Aye-aye!!!  (Swords shake in agreement)

          Silent Witness: Too true – I cannot stop you directly, but I can record your description and forward it to the authorities so you can be taken down by Justice.

            Captain: Gasp!  Not Justice!

            Crew: Booooooooo!!!!!

         Captain: (Shouts back to the ship) Bosun!  Change the name of the ship to The Innocent Schoolchildren!

           Boatswain: (Takes out a paint can and brush and leans over the side of the ship to paint the new name over the old one) Aye-aye, Cap’n!

            Captain: (Turns back to Silent Witness) There – that oughta do it.

            Silent Witness: It really won’t.

           Captain: Bilge rats and barnacles!  (Captain and Crew begin retreating backwards to the ship) Ye may have won this round, but we shall return and claim our treasure!

            Silent Witness: I’ll still be here.

Captain: Blasting cannonade!  (Hops back onto the bow and stands with sword raised as the ship lurches forward, nearly knocking off Boatswain who still is painting the new name on the side) Onward to new lands!  (There is a massive screeching sound behind the ship as it sails down the street) Would someone hoist the blinkin’ anchor?!  (Crew scramble to hoist the anchor as they turn down a different street) This is why we have processes in place, mateys!

            Crew: Apologies, Cap’n!

            (Captain stares through a telescope for several minutes, then points in the distance)

            Captain: There!  Off the port bow!  Follow that delivery truck!

            Crew: Aye-aye-arrrrr!!!!

           (They follow the truck until it stops in front of a house; Captain and Crew leap from the ship and are there as the courier returns from dropping off a package on the porch)

          Courier: (Stares at Captain and Crew, who are all smiling in friendship) Yeah, I’m out.  (Drives away)

            Captain: (Points to the package) All right, ye adorable scalawags: seize that there booty!

            Crew: Yaaaah!!!

            (They swarm the porch, then stumble to a stop when they see a figure sitting on a swing)

            Granny: (Knitting) Why, hello there.  Would you like some lemonade?

            Captain: (Looks around the porch entire) Common folk still sit out on these things?!

            (Resident suddenly wakes from the doze)

          Resident: Wow.  That was unexpectedly vivid.  (Stands, takes out the phone, and dials the company’s customer service number to report the theft, pausing to stare wistfully out the front window) I wish I had a porch.

Story 348: Race Around the World: Venice Edition

            (Announcer is standing on a gondola at the northwestern end of the Grand Canal)

           Announcer: Welcome, folks, to today’s installment of Race Around the World.  As you may have guessed by my surroundings, we are, in fact, in Venice – and not Little Venice in London, either: Actual Venice.  You can see on the Constitution Bridge behind me our four contestants are lined up and ready to begin their trek through the alleyways that are the closest things to pedestrian streets in this slowly sinking city, to emerge triumphant in Saint Mark’s Square – Piazza San Marco, if you want to be local – and collapse in the midst of the pigeons there.  They each must take a different route and all have been given maps, else we may never see any of them again.  And they’re off!  (The contestants run across the bridge; Announcer addresses the gondolier) Driver, take me down-canal!  (The gondolier begins rowing; Announcer falls onto the bottom of the gondola at the first lurch) Folks, the rest of this race will be brought to you by drone.

            (Contestants 1-4 run together until race officials direct each of them down a different street; drones follow as they separate)

            Announcer: (Voiceover) Contestant 3 is having a good start: that one got the route with signs directing tourists to the Piazza, so that’s a “Whoops” on the part of whoever scouted this locale.  (Contestant 3 stops short on the edge of a street that dead-ends onto a canal) Ah, the pitfalls of turning right when one should have turned left, then looped around that ancient church, then turned right: common beginner’s mistake.

        (Contestant 2 runs while holding the map in front of their face, zigging and zagging purposefully)

            Announcer: (V.O.) Ooh, this one shows promise: heading in the correct direction, crossing 25 canals already, making steady progress while refusing to be distracted by the fabulous ristoranti with their menus tantalizingly set out right in front – (Contestant 2 runs off the street into a canal) – guess misread that logo on the map: the bridge was a bit to the left there.  (Contestant 2 swims out of the canal and climbs back onto the street; the map is soaked) That’s too bad; maybe there’re some signs here to cheat with?  We’ll check back later.

            (Contestant 4 has traced a circuitous route for some time)

           Announcer: (V.O.) Ah, poor Contestant 4: back at the train station yet again.  At this point, just follow the Grand Canal, darling.  (Contestant 4 throws down the map, climbs up the side of a building, and begins leaping from rooftop-to-rooftop in a southeasterly direction) Is that allowed?... Well, nothing in the rules say contestants can’t do that, so let’s see how this pans out.

            (Contestant 1 arrives at the Rialto Bridge)

           Announcer: (V.O.) And here we have our first contestant reaching the last major checkpoint on the course – and look, Contestant 3 is not far behind!  This is getting exciting.

          (Contestant 1 reaches the far side of the bridge and hesitates turning right or going straight down the rest of the steps, staring at the map; Contestant 3 barrels past, nearly knocking over Contestant 1)

           Announcer: (V.O.) This section of the city has signs all over the place, so if you miss them then really, that’s on you.

            (Contestant 1 starts running again, catching up to Contestant 3; they try to pass each other but keep bouncing off the buildings that line the streets)

           Announcer: (V.O.) While those two are having fun, let’s check back in on our damp Contestant 2.  (Cut to Contestant 2, who is sitting at an outdoor café eating gelato and listening to a four-piece band) Never mind.  How about Contestant 4?  (Cut to Contestant 4, still parkouring across rooftops and now approaching the Piazza from the east)  Seems to have veered off a bit but is making excellent time trying to course-correct.  (Contestants 1 and 3 continuously shove each other as they approach from the north) Oh my, this is a close one: if none of them are disqualified for their behavior, we could quite possibly have a three-way tie.  (Contestant 4 leaps onto one of the roofs of St. Mark’s Basilica, vaults off the four horses on the front balcony, and slides down the side of the building to stumble onto the ground at the same moment that Contestants 1 and 3 mutually shove themselves into the Piazza from the opposite side.  The three stare at each other through the hordes of pigeons) Oh dear.  We never did set an actual final endpoint within the Piazza itself for this.  Judges?  (As the judges confer, Contestants 1, 3, and 4 suddenly start running toward the south entrance of the Piazza; all three reach it at the same time, continue running, and simultaneously leap off the street into the mouth of the Grand Canal, swimming toward the Island of San Giorgio Maggiore)  Well.  It seems they have an unspoken agreement amongst themselves.  Whatever race they have going on right now is outside our purview – the judges have decided it’s a three-way tie, but I think the true winner here is Contestant 2, wouldn’t you agree?  (Cut to Announcer eating gelato with Contestant 2 at the outdoor café) As for me, I’ve had enough: I’m going to sit back and enjoy Venice now, and maybe I’ll see the rest of you in our next installment of Race Around the World.  However, that one is set for Wildwood, New Jersey, so I’ll have to think long and hard before I commit to it.

Story 347: I Wish I Were in a Love Triangle

            (In a department store, Associate 1 is at a counter in front of changing rooms, folding clothes to reshelve)

          Associate 1: (To the clothes) You know, maybe if your folding standard wasn’t so complicated, more customers would actually put you back on the displays neatly – just sayin’.

            (Associate 2 pushes a cart full of clothes up to the counter)

            Associate 2: Hey – when you’re done there can you give me a hand with these?  I’ve got two more carts’ worth waiting, and I’ve already seen customers in Swimwear going to town on the new shipment of rash guards.   (Stares at the mountain in the cart) Makes you wonder what’s the point of it all.

            Associate 1: (Slides the pile of clothes on the counter over) If you want to put them here we can pull from that.

          Associate 2: Sweet – thanks.  (Grabs an unwieldy bunch of clothes and dumps it on the counter; the two Associates fold and sort as they go)

            Associate 1: (After a few moments of companionable silence) You know what I realized when I clocked in for work this afternoon?

            Associate 2: What, that we’re definitely not getting raises this year?

            Associate 1: I’d usually agree, but we’re lucky we’re getting paid this year.

            Associate 2: True – continue.

            Associate 1: Yeah, so when I clocked in, I realized that I started working here exactly 10 years ago today.

          Associate 2: Aw, congratulations!  Too bad they stopped doing the anniversary parties and handing out the commemorative pins and giving the extra days off and –

            Associate 1: I’m trying really hard not to think about all that.

            Associate 2: Sorry.

          Associate 1: Anyway, my main takeaway is this: after 10 years, I don’t care that I’ve never been promoted, or had much of a salary increase, or that the work is meaningless outside of itself.  My one regret is that, in all this time, I have yet to have a workplace romance.

        Associate 2: Really?  What about the one in Lingerie, around… (Looks up to remember) two years ago?

         Associate 1: That was just a casual flirtation: we only acted that way because we had an unspoken agreement that it would go absolutely nowhere.  And it was four years ago.

           Associate 2: Oh.  Oh right, that was around when the break room caught on fire, and now we can’t bring in our own hot plates.

            Associate 1: Yes, good times.

            Associate 2: OK, so that doesn’t count – no one serious ever, then?  Guess that’s a good thing: makes it complicated and uncomfortable when you see them here all the time while you’re supposed to be working, and then when you break up?  `Cause you just know you’ll break up.

            Associate 1: I know, but I still feel like I’m missing out on a vital part of the whole retail work experience.  I need something to look forward to coming here every day that isn’t – (Gestures to the growing piles of unfolded clothes that customers steadily have been adding to) getting all these folded and put away in an orderly manner.  I need emotional fulfillment in my life!

            Associate 2: OK, but you know you’re not my type.

         Associate 1: Ew, I wasn’t angling for you – not that you’re not cool – but that would be awkward and you know too much about me, so it wouldn’t be exciting.

            Associate 2: That I do.

          Associate 1: No, I’m going for the gold here: I don’t want just any old hook-up or fling – I want a love triangle.

           Associate 2: Ha!  Now you’re getting greedy – you haven’t even got one person, and now you want two?  Weirdo.

          Associate 1: Exactly!  I want it all!  I want the drama!  I want the tender explosive passion!  I want two separate people constantly telling me how wonderful I am while we’re stuck at the cash register processing dubious returns!

            Associate 2: Sure, I can see how that’d pass the time.  Got anyone in mind?

            Associate 1: The night security guard and the assistant supervisor in Electronics.

         Associate 2: That was fast – so they’ve been giving you the winking eyes and the waggling eyebrows, eh?

            Associate 1: I have no idea; I just want to be in a love triangle with them.

            Associate 2: Oh.  So, do you like them?  As in, middle-school-crush like?

           Associate 1: They’re all right, I guess.  Suppose they wouldn’t break any mirrors, but they also wouldn’t win any beauty contests, if you catch my drift.

            Associate 2: Wait a minute, do you even know them?

        Associate 1: Sure I do, they’re the night security guard and the assistant supervisor in Electronics!

            Associate 2: I heard you the first time, but do you know anything about them besides their job titles?  Do you know anything about their personal lives?  Whether they go around secretly kidnapping kittens or stealing grapes at the supermarket, for instance?

            Associate 1: Who cares about all that?  This is a workplace romance!

            Associate 2: Let me know how that turns out.

ONE WEEK LATER

         (Associate 1 is organizing clothes on a display when the night security guard approaches)

            Security Guard: Hey, everything going all right in your department?

           Associate 1: (Leans sideways on the display and bats eyelashes) Oh, most definitely – thank you so much for always asking!  You’re so thoughtful and protective of me.  (Bats some more)

            Security Guard: Yeah, just making my rounds.  See you later.  (Leaves)

            Associate 1: I’ll be here!  Oh wait, I clock out in half an hour, drat.

          Associate 2: (Approaches with a cart full of clothes) Still laying the groundwork for your “triangle”?

           Associate 1: What do you mean?  Didn’t you sense the mind-blowing suppressed passion of our forbidden love?!

            Associate 2: No.

            Associate 1: (Tsks) I’ll just have to demonstrate more clearly with my other other half.  (Pulls Associate 2 over to Electronics and spots the assistant supervisor at the counter) Here – now you’ll see the ultimate power of volcanic jealously fueled by the raging hormones of love!

            Associate 2: Ummm….

            Associate 1: (To Assistant Supervisor) Yoo-hoo!

            Assistant Supervisor: Oh, hey – need help with something?

        Associate 1: (Leans sideways on the counter, elbow slipping off the edge) Just checking on how your day is going?  (Bats eyelashes)

          Assistant Supervisor: Oh, not too bad; how’re you two’s day’s going?  (Nods at Associates 1 and 2)

            Associate 2: Well, I’ve got a ton of –

           Associate 1: (Leans over, blocking Associate 2) Oh, the usual – the security guard came by just now to make sure I was all right.

            Assistant Supervisor: Oh yeah, me too, about five minutes ago.  Speaking of which, I think we’ve got another regular shoplifter here – might just be in this department, but anything missing in yours lately?

           Associate 1: (Throws back head and shakes hair) AHAHAHAHA!!!!  (Clears throat and fiddles with a chipped part of the countertop) Always.

          Assistant Supervisor: Gee, that’s too bad.  (Sees a customer waiting nearby) Whelp, nice chatting with you two – excuse me.  (Leaves the counter and walks with the customer to the next aisle over)

            Associate 1: (Stares intensely at Associate 2) See?!

            Associate 2: What?

            Associate 1: The volcanic jealousy!

            Associate 2: Wow.

            Associate 1: Exactly!  When I mentioned my other lover –

            Associate 2: Ugh.

          Associate 1: – You could see how this one could barely be restrained, the violence ever-threatening to burst out and tear the rival apart!

            Associate 2: If you say so.

           Associate 1: I have been in such a turmoil of emotions every time I come to work now!  I have given my heart completely to both of them, so how can they ask me to choose just one?!

            Associate 2: How can you give your heart completely, twice?

         Associate 1: (Collapses backward across the counter) All these overwhelming feelings!  The all-consuming love I have for them!  The all-consuming love they have for me!  The all-consuming hatred they have for each other!  How wonderful life is!

            Associate 2: Glad to see you’re finally getting some enjoyment out of working here.

            Associate 1: (Stands back up straight) I know, right?