(Announcer
is standing on a gondola at the northwestern end of the Grand Canal)
Announcer:
Welcome, folks, to today’s installment of Race Around the World. As you may have guessed by my surroundings, we
are, in fact, in Venice – and not Little Venice in London, either: Actual
Venice. You can see on the Constitution
Bridge behind me our four contestants are lined up and ready to begin their
trek through the alleyways that are the closest things to pedestrian streets in
this slowly sinking city, to emerge triumphant in Saint Mark’s Square – Piazza San
Marco, if you want to be local – and collapse in the midst of the pigeons
there. They each must take a different
route and all have been given maps, else we may never see any of them
again. And they’re off! (The contestants run across the bridge; Announcer
addresses the gondolier) Driver, take me down-canal! (The gondolier begins rowing; Announcer falls
onto the bottom of the gondola at the first lurch) Folks, the rest of this race
will be brought to you by drone.
(Contestants
1-4 run together until race officials direct each of them down a different
street; drones follow as they separate)
Announcer:
(Voiceover) Contestant 3 is having a good start: that one got the route with signs
directing tourists to the Piazza, so that’s a “Whoops” on the part of whoever
scouted this locale. (Contestant 3 stops
short on the edge of a street that dead-ends onto a canal) Ah, the pitfalls of
turning right when one should have turned left, then looped around that ancient
church, then turned right: common beginner’s mistake.
(Contestant
2 runs while holding the map in front of their face, zigging and zagging
purposefully)
Announcer:
(V.O.) Ooh, this one shows promise: heading in the correct direction, crossing
25 canals already, making steady progress while refusing to be distracted by the
fabulous ristoranti with their menus tantalizingly set out right in front
– (Contestant 2 runs off the street into a canal) – guess misread that logo on
the map: the bridge was a bit to the left there. (Contestant 2 swims out of the canal and
climbs back onto the street; the map is soaked) That’s too bad; maybe there’re
some signs here to cheat with? We’ll
check back later.
(Contestant
4 has traced a circuitous route for some time)
Announcer:
(V.O.) Ah, poor Contestant 4: back at the train station yet again. At this point, just follow the Grand Canal,
darling. (Contestant 4 throws down the map,
climbs up the side of a building, and begins leaping from rooftop-to-rooftop in
a southeasterly direction) Is that allowed?... Well, nothing in the rules say
contestants can’t do that, so let’s see how this pans out.
(Contestant
1 arrives at the Rialto Bridge)
Announcer:
(V.O.) And here we have our first contestant reaching the last major checkpoint
on the course – and look, Contestant 3 is not far behind! This is getting exciting.
(Contestant
1 reaches the far side of the bridge and hesitates turning right or going
straight down the rest of the steps, staring at the map; Contestant 3 barrels
past, nearly knocking over Contestant 1)
Announcer:
(V.O.) This section of the city has signs all over the place, so if you miss
them then really, that’s on you.
(Contestant
1 starts running again, catching up to Contestant 3; they try to pass each
other but keep bouncing off the buildings that line the streets)
Announcer:
(V.O.) While those two are having fun, let’s check back in on our damp Contestant
2. (Cut to Contestant 2, who is sitting
at an outdoor café eating gelato and listening to a four-piece band) Never
mind. How about Contestant 4? (Cut to Contestant 4, still parkouring across
rooftops and now approaching the Piazza from the east) Seems to have veered off a bit but is making
excellent time trying to course-correct.
(Contestants 1 and 3 continuously shove each other as they approach from
the north) Oh my, this is a close one: if none of them are disqualified for
their behavior, we could quite possibly have a three-way tie. (Contestant 4 leaps onto one of the roofs of
St. Mark’s Basilica, vaults off the four horses on the front balcony, and
slides down the side of the building to stumble onto the ground at the same
moment that Contestants 1 and 3 mutually shove themselves into the Piazza from
the opposite side. The three stare at
each other through the hordes of pigeons) Oh dear. We never did set an actual final endpoint within
the Piazza itself for this. Judges? (As the judges confer, Contestants 1, 3, and
4 suddenly start running toward the south entrance of the Piazza; all three
reach it at the same time, continue running, and simultaneously leap off the
street into the mouth of the Grand Canal, swimming toward the Island of San
Giorgio Maggiore) Well. It seems they have an unspoken agreement amongst
themselves. Whatever race they have
going on right now is outside our purview – the judges have decided it’s a
three-way tie, but I think the true winner here is Contestant 2, wouldn’t you
agree? (Cut to Announcer eating gelato
with Contestant 2 at the outdoor café) As for me, I’ve had enough: I’m going to
sit back and enjoy Venice now, and maybe I’ll see the rest of you in our next
installment of Race Around the World.
However, that one is set for Wildwood, New Jersey, so I’ll have to think
long and hard before I commit to it.
