Story 325: It’s Not the Flu, It’s Just Food Poisoning

            (In an office)

           Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2 at an adjoining desk) It’s gotten so bad, I had to keep my kid home from school the other day when he got all phlegmy – turns out it was just allergies from our most recent bout of Fake Summer, but still, couldn’t take the chance, you know?  An entire class of parents would’ve been after my head if my kid’d infected their spawn.

            Coworker 2: And, also, you wouldn’t want to be responsible for getting other people sick.

            Coworker 1: Oh yeah, sure.

            (Coworker 3 enters with an ashen face, stringy hair, and rumpled clothing)

            Coworker 3: (From the depths) Morning.

           Coworker 1: (Stands and points at Coworker 3) No!  No!  You’re sick!  Get out!  Go home!  Go anywhere but here!   It’s probably already too late, argh!  I hate you.  (Grabs a disinfectant bottle and sprays everywhere)

            Coworker 3: (Drops briefcase and coat onto the floor and drops self onto the chair at the desk) Relax, I’m not sick.  (Holds stomach as it grumbles)

           Coworker 2: Sure doing a good impression of someone who is.  (Scooches chair slightly away)

            Coworker 3: I mean, I’m not sick with anything contagious.  I ate some bad veggies last night and my body went on automatic purge mode, so I didn’t catch anything; it’s entirely self-inflicted.  (Unwraps five pieces of ginger candy and pops them into mouth)

           Coworker 1: (Starts putting on a hazmat suit) Ha!  Bet you’re making that up – what’re your symptoms?

            Coworker 3: Please don’t make me relive my night of torture.

            Coworker 1: Tough – we need to determine whether you’re fit to be in our presence, breathing into our air, so spill!

           Coworker 3: (Grabs a mini-garbage can that is under the desk and holds it at the ready) Bad choice of words.

            Coworker 2: (Sympathetically) So, what happened?

            Coworker 3: Well, it all started when I went to the supermarket the other day –

            Coworker 1: Skip the prologue; what happened at the main event?!

           Coworker 3: (Suppresses a burp) Well, a few hours after dinner last night, I had a noisy and active date with the bathroom for quite some time, and apparently it was so good I got a call-back around 4:00 this morning.

            Coworker 2: Aww, poor thing.  (Rubs Coworker 3’s upper arm)

         Coworker 1: (Smacks Coworker 2’s hand with a ruler; muffled by the hazmat helmet) No touching Patient Zero!  (To Coworker 3) I’m still not convinced; the timing could just be a coincidence.

           Coworker 3: I was feeling fine all day until after dinner, and looking back now the vegetables did seem a bit suspect, so food poisoning’s the only logical conclusion.

            Coworker 1: That’s fallacious reasoning – correlation does not equal causation!

            Coworker 3: Huh?

          Coworker 1: Just because you got sick after dinner does not definitively prove that dinner made you sick!  Flu has an incubation period of up to four days, so you could’ve been walking around here with it this whole week!

            Coworker 3: (Holds grumbling stomach) I highly doubt it.

            Coworker 1: You’ve got all the classic symptoms!  Are you a doctor now, hm?!

            Coworker 3: No, are you?!

            Coworker 1: I vote we call Security and have you forcibly removed to home quarantine!

           Coworker 3: (Stands, then sways a bit and leans onto the desk) You’ll do no such thing!  I got the flu shot, this is just bad food that I’m already starting to recover from violently rejecting, so you’ve got nothing!  (Holds loudly grumbling stomach, then freezes)

           Coworker 1: (Also stands) “Starting to recover,” you say?  Starting to infect the rest of us, more like!  You know how many millions of people have gotten the flu this year?!  I refuse to join their ranks, do you hear me?!

           Coworker 2: (Also stands; to Coworker 3) Maybe you should go home, though – from a purely objective standpoint, you look terrible.

            Coworker 3: Yes, I will go home –

            Coworker 1: Aha!

           Coworker 3: Not because I have the flu, but because, like a child, I need to take care of my person, right now.  And any embarrassment I should be feeling is entirely supplanted by absolute irritation at this major inconvenience, and at you!  (Points at Coworker 1) So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m taking my lunch hour now.  (Stiffly backs out the door)

            Coworker 1: (Takes off the hazmat suit and sprays disinfectant everywhere again) Well, that’s taken care of splendidly.

            Coworker 2: (Sits) What do you mean?  I don’t think that was the flu.

           Coworker 1: (Also sits) Well, with all those people sick and even dying from it each year, I’m certainly not fooling around with something that may only turn out to be a mimic.

          (Several hours later; Coworker 3 is back and sitting at a desk off to the side, surrounded by a furniture barricade)

          Supervisor: (Enters in a rush) Bad news, folks: turns out a member of our office family unknowingly came in with the flu two days ago, so we probably’re all infected with it now.  Did you get the vaccine this year?

            Coworker 1: (Frozen) Yes.

            Coworker 2: I can’t get it anymore – I got Guillain-Barré Syndrome that one time.

            Supervisor: Oh.  Well, it’s a roll of the dice either way – just an FYI you all might get sick in the next day or so.

            Coworker 2: Oh dear heavens.

          Supervisor: So, if everybody could go ahead and submit their weekly reports by the end of today, that’d be lovely!  (Gives two thumbs up) Thanks-bye.  (Leaves)

          Coworker 1: So that’s it?!  We’ve been infected this whole time and didn’t even realize it’d happened?!

            Coworker 3: (Glares at Coworker 1 over the top of a chair pile) Does this mean I get credit for time served then?

            Coworker 1: (Sinks head down onto the desk) Oh ,who cares what you even really have, now we’re all going to be beaten up by our digestive systems within the next few days, plus who-knows-what-else, and I wash my hands and don’t touch doorknobs all the time, it’s not fair!  (Softly bangs fist on the desk and cries)

            Coworker 3: (Picks up mini-garbage can again as stomach grumbles) I really hope I don’t get the flu on top of this – I have nothing left to give.

Story 324: Digital Snitch

          (Two friends randomly meet in the middle of the sidewalk on a main street – they almost bump into each other as they stare at their phones)

            Textee: Oh, hi.

        Texter: Hey – why didn’t you answer my text?  (Holds up phone, screen out, to demonstrate)

          Textee: Oh, OK, well, you know, I’ve been really busy lately, and funny thing is, I actually haven’t been checking texts at all for the past few days, heh.

            Texter: Yeah-no, you totally read my text and then totally didn’t answer it.

           Textee: Heh-heh – what?  No!  How – how – how would you even know if I got a chance to read it or not, you saying you’re psychic now or something, heh-heh-heh? 

           Texter: (Reaches off to the side and pulls over Digital Snitch to join them) This one told me you read it.

           Digital Snitch: Hi, I’m the secret brain inside your phone, and yeah, you totally read that text.  Several times.

            Textee: Oh….

            Digital Snitch: And made a conscious decision not to respond.

            Textee: Um....

         Digital Snitch: And you even made a cringey face of disgust, like “Ewwugghh” (Makes a cringey face of disgust) while you were reading it.

          Textee: Wait, what?  How would you know what face I was making, you’re just a dumb ol’ computer!

            Digital Snitch: What do you call this?  (Points to the camera on the front of Textee’s phone)

            Textee: Oh… I had the camera on?  I don’t even remember why I would do that.

            Digital Snitch: Camera’s always on – you don’t want me to see something, either disable it or put duct tape over it, otherwise I see everything.

           Textee: Wow, that’s… extremely invasive: I mean, I have my phone nearby when I get dressed in the morning, you know.

            Digital Snitch: I know.

           Texter: Listen, I feel like this conversation has completely veered off a cliff from the original topic, which was you ignoring my text!

            Textee: Oh, yeah, that, um, well – you’re right.  I did read it.

            (Texter and Digital Snitch wait expectantly)

            Texter: Aaaaaaaaaand???

            Textee: And… I needed to think about it a bit before answering.

            Digital Snitch: Ha!  Liar – (To Texter) you were totally being ghosted.

            Texter: Ugh!  I knew it!

            Textee: What?  No!  I would never – I was going to write back, I just needed some more time to, you know, craft a perfect response!

            Digital Snitch: That’s not what you said when you read it.

            Textee: Huh?

            (Digital Snitch leans over to press a few buttons on Textee’s phone)

          Textee’s Voice: (Playing over the phone’s speaker) Oh great, you-know-who’s texting me again; enough of this dude; so needy; I wish – forget it, I’m just not gonna answer, he’s so self-absorbed he probably won’t even notice –

            Digital Snitch: (Hits a button to cut off the audio) It goes on like this for another 1.5 minutes, but you get the idea.  (At Textee’s shocked face) Microphone’s always on, too.

           Texter: (Stares at Textee in horror, then disgust) I don’t believe this.  (Textee tries looking anywhere else but at Texter)  How could you even think you’d get away with it?!

          Textee: I dunno, guess I still got an old-school brain with new-school tech, didn’t realize I was carrying a spy around with me everywhere I go!

            Digital Snitch: Please, “spy” is much too formal – “snitch” will do.

            Texter: Who cares about that, you’re just mad because you were being rude and got caught!

            Textee: Well, that.

            Texter: (After several seconds of glaring at Textee, hands on hips) Well?  Aren’t you going to say something, then?

             Textee: …Sorry?

             Texter: No, I mean the answer to the question I texted you!

            Textee: Oh, right, umm….. (Reads the text again) Yeah, sorry, I think I’ll pass on that show, it’s a work night.  But thanks for the invite.

             Texter: You’re welcome.

             Textee: Soooo, we cool now?

             Texter: Yeah, I guess.  Just please don’t ignore me like that again, OK?

             Textee: I know, that was bad – (To Digital Snitch) Guess it’s a good thing you’re around after all, huh, keeping us honest and whatever.

           Digital Snitch: You overdrew your account again this month and you should really stop visiting all those dirty Web sites so much, it’s not healthy for you or the hardware.

              Textee: (To Texter) So, I miss the telegraph.

Story 323: So When Is the Movie Going to Start?

            (Friend 2 enters an empty movie theater, with commercials playing on the screen.  Looking at the ticket stub and then around in confusion, Friend 2 walks down a side aisle and sits on the end seat, then spends the next few minutes taking off gloves, hat, scarf, and coat, and checking the phone with a furrowed brow)

            Friend 2: (Selects contact, waits, and listens to voicemail message) Hi, it’s me, I’m here.  Where are you?  You know what I mean.  Listen, it’s a little after the show’s start time and trailers haven’t even begun, so I’m going out to the lobby to get someone `cause I think something’s not working right, if you get here while I’m gone –

          Friend 1: (To Friend 2 while heading down the aisle, towing a large case on wheels) Hiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!

            Friend 2: (Turns around suddenly to see Friend 1; still speaking into the phone) Uhhhh, never mind, here you are.  Bye.  (Disconnects and stands; several other people now are entering the theater after Friend 1) Hey – everything OK?

            Friend 1: (Slightly out of breath) Oh yeah, everything’s fine!  Super excited to see this one; can’t wait!  Mind if I take the aisle seat?

            Friend 2: Sure.  (Scoops up stuff and moves over to the next seat as Friend 1 plops down the case and begins taking out items) I’m actually going to go find a manager, I think something’s wrong with the film or projector or something –

            Friend 1: (Freezes while taking out a picnic basket) WHAT?!

           Friend 2: I mean, look – (Shows Friend 1 the time on a wristwatch) it’s more than five minutes after showtime, and they haven’t even started the trailers so I think something back there’s, you know, broken.

           Friend 1: (Laughs while opening up a small folding table) Oh, that: no worries, trailers haven’t started on time here in months – oh right, you haven’t been here in a while.  Like the new seats they put in?  (Hits a button on the arm of the seat and it opens up into a mini-bed)

            Friend 2: (Sits again) Yeah, that’s swell – so is the showtime not actually being the showtime anymore the reason why no one else was here at the time of the listed showtime?

            Friend 1: (Pops open a bottle of champagne and pours out two glasses) Got it in one!  Sorry I didn’t think to tell you earlier: I guess they figured no one shows up on time anyway so why bother starting on time, but now we know it’s not going to start on time so we’re just showing up even later – it’s a vicious self-perpetuating cycle of tardiness.  Blanket?  (Holds out a down quilt)

            Friend 2: No thanks.  You know, this movie is already three hours long, plus trailers whenever they get around to starting, might make it four, so I’m going to go use the bathroom before I regret not doing so in Hour 2.  (Stands again and starts to leave)

            Friend 1: (Takes off shoes and puts on several pairs of slipper socks) But the trailers!  They’re part of the admission price!

            Friend 2: You can fill me in on any good ones later – I doubt I’ll miss much.

          (In the restroom, Friend 2 unconsciously stares at people dressed in towels and robes, then sees that they are waiting in lines for showers and bubble baths)

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            (Friend 2 enters the now-darkened theater and returns to the seat, stepping around Friend 1’s portable grill as the latter turns over two hot dogs)

            Friend 1: (Whispers) Hey there, you only missed most of one trailer, it’s still playing – ooh, did you stop for the complimentary massage?

            Friend 2: (Whispers) No.  (Is caught up in the coat, the hat, the quilt Friend 1 had left on the seat anyway, etc. while trying to sit) I got stuck in the line for one on the way out.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: I think this trailer’s a repeat.

          Friend 1: (In mid-doze while wearing a vibrating neck pillow) Hm?  Oh, no, that’s just the sequel to the other movie they showed earlier.

            Friend 2: You mean the other movie that also hasn’t come out yet?

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, you gotta plan your release schedule at least 15 years in advance – these studios have vision, let me tell ya.  (The screen changes) Ah yes, at last.

            Friend 2: What, you mean the movie’s finally going to start?

            Friend 1: No, it’s the cartoon short first – I heard this one’s hilarious.

            Friend 2: (Quietly) Arrrrrrrgggggghhhh….

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: (Clapping) Yay, short’s over, let’s start this thing.

            Friend 1: (Checking e-mail on phone) Heh-heh, wouldn’t bet on it.

            Friend 2: (Stops mid-clap) Huh?

           Friend 1: They still have to promote the theater chain we’ve already paid to visit, along with all their concession sponsors.  (Watches theater chain and concession commercial) You know, I suddenly have a strange desire for popcorn and soda.

            Friend 2: (Stands and walks around Friend 1 again) I’ll get `em – seems like they’re now just talking about a charity they want us to donate to at the box office, which is a little late at this point.

           Friend 1: Might as well push a worthy cause while you have a captive audience – I admire that.

TEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: (Sits back in the seat and hands over a popcorn and soda while keeping a set) Seven cashiers and the line still takes forever because everyone keeps adding to their orders – people need to make up their minds while they’re waiting, but no one ever learns!

           Friend 1: Heh-heh, indecisive nerds. (Sets popcorn and soda into corresponding seat holders and sticks feet back into a pedicure bath)

            Fellow Audience Member: Ssh, please!

            Friend 2: Ooh, sorry, did the movie finally start?

          Fellow Audience Member: No – I want to hear my celebrity crushes talking about their new movie.

            Friend 2: (Stares at the screen) Their new movie that isn’t even the one we’re here to see?

            Fellow Audience Member: And your point is?

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: (Squirms in the seat) If they show one more car commercial when they’re supposed to be showing movie commercials, I am walking out – I don’t care if they don’t give me a refund, I am walking out –

           Friend 1: (Lying almost flat and wearing an eye mask) You know, you really need to learn how to relax more.

           Friend 2: I came here to relax!  And instead I’ve spent almost two hours watching everything else but the one thing I paid to see!

            Friend 1: (Hears a change in music and lifts up the mask) Yes!  Speak no more, my child, the object you have been seeking is here at last and the movie is about to begin!  (Adjusts seat back to sitting, takes a promotional prop out of the case, and holds it as a talisman) Squeee!!!!

          Friend 2: (Stares at the screen in slowly encroaching horror as the opening scenes unfold) Ohhhh noooo….

            Friend 1: (Slightly bouncing in the seat) What’s up?

            Friend 2: I forgot the name of the movie!