Thursday, January 16, 2020

Story 324: Digital Snitch


          (Two friends randomly meet in the middle of the sidewalk on a main street – they almost bump into each other as they stare at their phones)
            Textee: Oh, hi.
        Texter: Hey – why didn’t you answer my text?  (Holds up phone, screen out, to demonstrate)
          Textee: Oh, OK, well, you know, I’ve been really busy lately, and funny thing is, I actually haven’t been checking texts at all for the past few days, heh.
            Texter: Yeah-no, you totally read my text and then totally didn’t answer it.
           Textee: Heh-heh – what?  No!  How – how – how would you even know if I got a chance to read it or not, you saying you’re psychic now or something, heh-heh-heh? 
           Texter: (Reaches off to the side and pulls over Digital Snitch to join them) This one told me you read it.
           Digital Snitch: Hi, I’m the secret brain inside your phone, and yeah, you totally read that text.  Several times.
            Textee: Oh….
            Digital Snitch: And made a conscious decision not to respond.
            Textee: Um....
         Digital Snitch: And you even made a cringey face of disgust, like “Ewwugghh” (Makes a cringey face of disgust) while you were reading it.
          Textee: Wait, what?  How would you know what face I was making, you’re just a dumb ol’ computer!
            Digital Snitch: What do you call this?  (Points to the camera on the front of Textee’s phone)
            Textee: Oh… I had the camera on?  I don’t even remember why I would do that.
            Digital Snitch: Camera’s always on – you don’t want me to see something, either disable it or put duct tape over it, otherwise I see everything.
           Textee: Wow, that’s… extremely invasive: I mean, I have my phone nearby when I get dressed in the morning, you know.
            Digital Snitch: I know.
           Texter: Listen, I feel like this conversation has completely veered off a cliff from the original topic, which was you ignoring my text!
            Textee: Oh, yeah, that, um, well – you’re right.  I did read it.
            (Texter and Digital Snitch wait expectantly)
            Texter: Aaaaaaaaaand???
            Textee: And… I needed to think about it a bit before answering.
            Digital Snitch: Ha!  Liar – (To Texter) you were totally being ghosted.
            Texter: Ugh!  I knew it!
            Textee: What?  No!  I would never – I was going to write back, I just needed some more time to, you know, craft a perfect response!
            Digital Snitch: That’s not what you said when you read it.
            Textee: Huh?
            (Digital Snitch leans over to press a few buttons on Textee’s phone)
          Textee’s Voice: (Playing over the phone’s speaker) Oh great, you-know-who’s texting me again; enough of this dude; so needy; I wish – forget it, I’m just not gonna answer, he’s so self-absorbed he probably won’t even notice –
            Digital Snitch: (Hits a button to cut off the audio) It goes on like this for another 1.5 minutes, but you get the idea.  (At Textee’s shocked face) Microphone’s always on, too.
           Texter: (Stares at Textee in horror, then disgust) I don’t believe this.  (Textee tries looking anywhere else but at Texter)  How could you even think you’d get away with it?!
          Textee: I dunno, guess I still got an old-school brain with new-school tech, didn’t realize I was carrying a spy around with me everywhere I go!
            Digital Snitch: Please, “spy” is much too formal – “snitch” will do.
            Texter: Who cares about that, you’re just mad because you were being rude and got caught!
            Textee: Well, that.
            Texter: (After several seconds of glaring at Textee, hands on hips) Well?  Aren’t you going to say something, then?
             Textee: …Sorry?
             Texter: No, I mean the answer to the question I texted you!
            Textee: Oh, right, umm….. (Reads the text again) Yeah, sorry, I think I’ll pass on that show, it’s a work night.  But thanks for the invite.
             Texter: You’re welcome.
             Textee: Soooo, we cool now?
             Texter: Yeah, I guess.  Just please don’t ignore me like that again, OK?
             Textee: I know, that was bad – (To Digital Snitch) Guess it’s a good thing you’re around after all, huh, keeping us honest and whatever.
           Digital Snitch: You overdrew your account again this month and you should really stop visiting all those dirty Web sites so much, it’s not healthy for you or the hardware.
              Textee: (To Texter) So, I miss the telegraph.

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