(Two
friends randomly meet in the middle of the sidewalk on a main street – they almost
bump into each other as they stare at their phones)
Textee:
Oh, hi.
Texter:
Hey – why didn’t you answer my text?
(Holds up phone, screen out, to demonstrate)
Textee:
Oh, OK, well, you know, I’ve been really busy lately, and funny thing is, I
actually haven’t been checking texts at all for the past few days, heh.
Texter:
Yeah-no, you totally read my text and then totally didn’t answer it.
Textee:
Heh-heh – what? No! How – how – how would you even know if I got
a chance to read it or not, you saying you’re psychic now or something, heh-heh-heh?
Texter:
(Reaches off to the side and pulls over Digital Snitch to join them) This one
told me you read it.
Digital
Snitch: Hi, I’m the secret brain inside your phone, and yeah, you totally read that
text. Several times.
Textee:
Oh….
Digital
Snitch: And made a conscious decision not to respond.
Textee:
Um....
Digital
Snitch: And you even made a cringey face of disgust, like “Ewwugghh” (Makes a
cringey face of disgust) while you were reading it.
Textee:
Wait, what? How would you know
what face I was making, you’re just a dumb ol’ computer!
Digital
Snitch: What do you call this? (Points
to the camera on the front of Textee’s phone)
Textee:
Oh… I had the camera on? I don’t even
remember why I would do that.
Digital
Snitch: Camera’s always on – you don’t want me to see something, either disable
it or put duct tape over it, otherwise I see everything.
Textee:
Wow, that’s… extremely invasive: I mean, I have my phone nearby when I get dressed
in the morning, you know.
Digital
Snitch: I know.
Texter:
Listen, I feel like this conversation has completely veered off a cliff from
the original topic, which was you ignoring my text!
Textee:
Oh, yeah, that, um, well – you’re right.
I did read it.
(Texter
and Digital Snitch wait expectantly)
Texter:
Aaaaaaaaaand???
Textee:
And… I needed to think about it a bit before answering.
Digital
Snitch: Ha! Liar – (To Texter) you were
totally being ghosted.
Texter:
Ugh! I knew it!
Textee:
What? No! I would never – I was going to write
back, I just needed some more time to, you know, craft a perfect response!
Digital
Snitch: That’s not what you said when you read it.
Textee:
Huh?
(Digital
Snitch leans over to press a few buttons on Textee’s phone)
Textee’s
Voice: (Playing over the phone’s speaker) Oh great, you-know-who’s texting me
again; enough of this dude; so needy; I wish – forget it, I’m just not gonna
answer, he’s so self-absorbed he probably won’t even notice –
Digital
Snitch: (Hits a button to cut off the audio) It goes on like this for another
1.5 minutes, but you get the idea. (At
Textee’s shocked face) Microphone’s always on, too.
Texter:
(Stares at Textee in horror, then disgust) I don’t believe this. (Textee tries looking anywhere else but at
Texter) How could you even think you’d
get away with it?!
Textee:
I dunno, guess I still got an old-school brain with new-school tech, didn’t realize
I was carrying a spy around with me everywhere I go!
Digital
Snitch: Please, “spy” is much too formal – “snitch” will do.
Texter:
Who cares about that, you’re just mad because you were being rude and got
caught!
Textee:
Well, that.
Texter:
(After several seconds of glaring at Textee, hands on hips) Well? Aren’t you going to say something, then?
Textee:
…Sorry?
Texter:
No, I mean the answer to the question I texted you!
Textee:
Oh, right, umm….. (Reads the text again) Yeah, sorry, I think I’ll pass on that
show, it’s a work night. But thanks for
the invite.
Texter:
You’re welcome.
Textee:
Soooo, we cool now?
Texter:
Yeah, I guess. Just please don’t ignore
me like that again, OK?
Textee:
I know, that was bad – (To Digital Snitch) Guess it’s a good thing you’re
around after all, huh, keeping us honest and whatever.
Digital
Snitch: You overdrew your account again this month and you should really stop
visiting all those dirty Web sites so much, it’s not healthy for you or the
hardware.
Textee:
(To Texter) So, I miss the telegraph.
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