Story 320: Driving Accident-Free During the Holidays Through the Power of Music

            (Commercial)

          Narrator: (Voiceover) Ah, December.  The most wonderful time of the year, as the saying goes.  Do you spend most of it like this?  (Cut to five-lane bumper-to-bumper traffic, both directions) Or like this?  (Cut to a line of cars stuck behind one very slow car) Or like this?  (Cut to two cars simultaneously reversing out of spots in a strip mall parking lot and rear-ending each other)

            Driver 1: (Shaking fist out of the window) Look where you’re going, moron!

            Driver 2: (Shaking middle finger out of the window while driving away, leaving behind a trail of car parts) Merry Christmas, ------!

            Driver 1: I don’t think that season’s greeting was entirely genuine.

         Narrator: (Voiceover) Or like this?  (Cut to cars swerving in and out of the lane during a blizzard)

            Driver 3: (Sticking head out of the window) On Dasher!  On Dancer!  On all the rest, whee!

            Driver 4: (Veering off the road) Weirdo!

           Narrator: (Appears on-screen) Well, fret no more, my children: we here at radio station WNAP are here to answer your previously unknown prayers.  Granted, we can’t take away the traffic – or the snow – or the black ice – or the never-ending construction – or the messed-up roads – or the terrible drivers who should have their licenses taken away – BUT, we can make all those things basically irrelevant.  Allow me to demonstrate.  (Walks over to a car, which has an actor simulating driving)

          Actor Driver: (Speaking to an invisible car in front) Press the gas, I know you can do it, I believe in you, gaaarrggghhh!!!  (Slams head onto the steering wheel)

           Narrator: Now, observe the same subject as the environment is altered.  (Leans in through the passenger side window and turns on the radio; gentle Beethoven is heard)

        Actor Driver: (Blaring the horn) Move over, for the love of – oooooohhhhhh….. (Immediately relaxes, eyes glazing over a bit; the grip on the steering wheel lets up)

          Narrator: That’s right, folks: it isn’t medication, it’s not magic, just plain old sympathetic resonance.  Let’s try this out in the field, hm? 

            (Footage from a dashboard cam that is facing the driver)

            Driver 5: (Steering erratically) Grrrr…. (Jabs a button on the center console; soft sitar music is heard) Sighhhh…. (Leans back and begins steering serenely, smoothly and safely changing lanes and then stopping with patience as a crash, car horns, and yelling voices are heard) What a beautiful day.

            Narrator: (In an empty room) But don’t take my word for it: try it yourself the next time you feel your blood boiling as every vehicle on the road seems to go out of its way to torment you.  And almost any musical genre will do, as long as it’s around 60 beats per minute.  Go ahead: feel your heart literally slow down to match as the chaos besieging you on every side no longer seems to matter!  And to top it all off, your driving actually IMPROVES because there’s something running interference between you and the world, and you are now able to take everything in rather than focus on just your own stress and the jerk in front of you.  It truly is the Season of Miracles!

            (Cut to Driver 6, talking to the camera soothingly while driving breezily; Buddhist chants are playing over the speakers]

            Driver 6: I used to dread this time of year, averaging one accident per every five trips – now, I simply glide on and off highways, swim through parking lots, and plow over inches of snow, and I owe it all to the car radio.  Thanks, WNAP!

            Narrator: Thanks to you, our loyal listeners.  And don’t forget: subscribe to us online, and you can then take us wherever you go!  This will come in especially handy as you stand on the hour-long line waiting to buy that one gift for an unappreciative recipient.  Happy Holidays from all of us at WNAP, and keep on gently listening all year long!

           (Cut to a customer standing on line and wearing headphones, listening to string music, and sporting a beatific smile – the camera pulls back to show they are surrounded by people yelling, kids making messes all over with the store’s own merchandise, babies crying, and employees holding their heads and screaming, all of which gradually is drowned out by the swelling strings and the fade to black)

Story 319: I Lost Track of Which Holiday Cards I Sent

            Friend 1: (Sitting at a kitchen table surrounded by boxes of cards, address labels, stamps, and an address book) So, if I calculated this correctly, I can use just the cards from all these boxes from the past two years and not have to spend a dime on a single new card this year!  (Goes to work writing names, semi-personalized messages, and addresses, then labeling, stamping, and sealing; an hour and a half later) I did it?  All the cards are ready to go, and we didn’t even reach double-digits in the month yet?  My work is done, and this is now the post office’s problem, ahahahahaha!  (Raises arms in victory, then looks around the kitchen) Wait, who am I talking to?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (In a supermarket)

          Friend 1: (Shoving a shopping cart down an aisle) Grumble-grumble-work parties, grumble-grumble-why do I get stuck with cupcakes every year, grumble-grumble-grumble-next time maybe I shouldn’t volunteer to make them, grumble-grumble-grumble-

           Friend 2: (Rounding a corner with a shopping cart and almost crashing into Friend 1) Oh, hey!  How’ve you been?

            Friend 1: Miserable.  How’ve you been?

            Friend 2: Wishing I was home and not here, but you know, food.

            Friend 1: Yeah.  Necessary evil.

            Friend 2: Oh, by the way, thanks for the card!  Happy Hanukkah to you, too!

            Friend 1: Uhhh, thanks?  Did you convert?

         Friend 2: No, I thought you were just getting into the spirit of the season and celebrating everything this year.

            Friend 1: What are you – ohhhh, I sent you the wrong holiday.

           Friend 2: No worries; it makes me appreciate the spiritual side of the season more.  I tend to get too focused on the commercialism of it all, know-what-I-mean?

           Friend 1: No, now I’m mad, I thought I checked who I sending what to, and now this means I probably sent somebody who doesn’t celebrate anything remotely religious a baby Jesus card, and now I’m mad!

          Friend 2: I’m sure everybody’s fine with it – we’re all running around like we’ve lost our minds this time of year anyway, and it’s the thought that counts.

            Friend 1: Not to me, it doesn’t!  I demand accuracy!

            Friend 2: (Sighs and begins to leave) Enjoy your holidays.

            Friend 1: Yeah, you too.

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Hi, how’s everything?

         Uncle: (On the phone) Oh, same old: back’s acting up again, closed on the house yesterday, haven’t even started shopping –

            Friend 1: That’s great – listen, did you get a card from me yet?

           Uncle: Oh yes, thank you very much for that!  You should get mine before Christmas – I’m a little behind this year, what with the move –

          Friend 1: Quick question: was it an actual Christmas or general yuletide/wintery-themed card you got?

          Uncle: Umm, I think so, let me check.... (Sound of rustling) Yes, it’s got a bunch of animals and snow on it.  Why do you ask?

         Friend 1: Oh good – I had a bit of a mix-up this year and seem to have sent out somewhat mismatching cards to people.

           Uncle: (Chuckles) Oh, that’s fine: you know, it actually matches the card you sent me last year.

           Friend 1: …What?

           Uncle: Yeah, I have everything out while I’m packing up the place, and I’d kept the cards I got last year, and you’d sent me the same nice card then, I love it!

           Friend 1: …WHAT?!

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 3: (On the phone) Hi, what’s up?

            Friend 1: (On the phone) I’ll be blunt: the card you got from me this year, is it the same as the one I sent you last year, or for a holiday you don’t actually celebrate?

          Friend 3: Oh, heh-heh, you know, I thought it looked familiar.... (Sound of rustling) Yes, I remember that clownish snowball.  Guess you figured it fit my personality, huh?

            Friend 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

THE NEXT DAY

           Friend 4: (To Friend 1, passing on the street) Hi!  I got your card – Happy Kwanzaa to you, too!  I never celebrated it before, but this made me go out and learn more about it, thanks! 

            Friend 1: Glad to help.

THE NEXT DAY

            Friend 5: (On the phone) Hi!  I got your card – Merry Christmas to you, too!

            Friend 1: Thanks.  I take it this means you didn’t get the Hanukkah card I thought I sent you.

            Friend 5: No, but I figured it was love all, celebrate all!

           Friend 1: That’s it: next year, I’m buying 1,000 copies of the same “Happy Holidays” card and that’s all I’ll send forever and ever.

           Friend 5: We’ll take that, too.  And if you send it by e-mail, you’ll save on postage!

           Friend 1: Where’s the joy and goodwill and holiness of the season in that?!

Story 318: All I Want for Christmas Is Nothing to Give and Nothing to Get

Dear Santa,

            I am a reasonable human being.  I like to think I have a firm grasp on reality.  So I am not going to mince words with you: this Christmas, I will not ask for one single present, from you or from anyone else, at all, not one.  In return, I only ask that I not be required, requested, and/or obligated to give one single present, to you or to anyone else, at all, not one.

            To put it bluntly, Mr. Claus, I simply cannot take it any longer.  Everyone complains, yet they compulsively do it anyway: you know what I mean, the massive, overwhelming, soul-destroying marathon that is holiday shopping.  Many of us have too much stuff as it is, but there we all go, off to the sales races again.  And so we go through the motions, year after dreaded year, piling into horrendous traffic, piling into overcrowded stores, piling into the worst zeniths of consumerism, stuff, stuff, stuff.  Will all that stuff fill the empty void currently taking up residence in our hearts?   The answer of course is “No,” but most act as if it is “Yes.”

            And as the coins in my piggy bank dwindle, I question the point of the whole thing.  Why do we continue to give gifts if the process of getting them has made the giver so utterly unhappy?  Does the recipient’s brief, passing joy make all that suffering worth it?  I guess.  Still does not make up for the four hours I will never get back from the mass chaos that is the mall.  How is that all of us always decide to go there at the same time, anyway?

            I would also like to discuss the futility of sending holiday cards, but that is too off-topic and would require a ream of paper to address adequately.

           Returning to the issue at hand, I would like to speak to the conundrum of online shopping: convenient for the consumer, perhaps, but inconvenient for the delivery person who now is in the previously mentioned traffic and also for the warehouse employee who has added your order to the 7,322 others waiting to be filled that day.  But it is guaranteed next-day delivery, since unnamed shopper forgot to order it until two days before the main event of Christmas or Hanukkah.

           Not to mention (but I will anyway), I have no idea what to get people, including members of my own family, unless they specifically tell me what they want.  Opera tickets?  A wooden sleigh?  Gift cards for soon-to-be-out-of-business restaurants?  It is exhausting trying to figure out a gift that will not be returned.

            I just cannot bear the stress of it all anymore, so I beg of you: please do not give me anything this year, and let me be relieved of the burden of having to give presents to anyone.  If you are so gracious as to grant this request, I warn you now I may ask for it again next year.

           I write to you every December, and in all my 42 years on this planet I have yet to receive a bona fide response from you or your staff.  I would greatly appreciate it if this year's anti-consumerism theme ended that streak.

                                                                        Always Affectionately Yours,

                                                                        Little Johnny