Story 243: You Just Can’t Leave on Time

            [8:01 a.m.]

            Friend 1: (Entering the office) Morning.

            Friend 2: (Sighs softly, not looking up from the computer) That it is.

            Friend 1: (Settles belongings at desk and sits) Just a heads-up: I’ve got a thing right after work today, so I have to leave at 4:30 on the dot.

            Friend 2: (Looks over) What, you mean on time?

           Friend 1: Yeah yeah, I always wind up doing one last thing that pushes me over a few minutes, but today I really need to leave at 4:30.  As in, not even a minute later.

            Friend 2: Not gonna happen.  (Returns to the computer)

            Friend 1: What?  How do you know?

           Friend 2: (Looks back) Because you jinxed it: you said it out loud, and now it doesn’t matter how much you prepare ahead, you will not get out of here on time.  The universe has accepted your challenge and will deploy everything it has to keep you from leaving.  Your fate is sealed: no point in fighting it.

         Friend 1: I’d say you were talking out of your hat if you wore one, and now you’re just throwing me off my schedule.

            Friend 2: You’ll see I’m right.  Enjoy your misguided optimism while it lasts.

            Friend 1: It’s like talking to a wall.

            [10:30 a.m.]

           Friend 1: Did you see the e-mail about a meeting at 3:00?!  That’s going to set me back at least an hour that I can’t spare, and it’ll be pointless to boot!

            (Friend 2 looks over and smiles evilly)

            Friend 1: Oh shut up.  I’ll just have to push that one report I was going to work on today off to tomorrow.  That day is now pre-ruined, but this day is salvaged.  Yes, that should do nicely.

            Friend 2: (Shakes head slowly) You poor, poor sap.

            [1:15 p.m.]

           Friend 1: (Answers the desk phone) Billing Department, this is -----, how may I help you?... Oh hi, what can I do for you?... Oh…. Oh, OK…. Sure, I can do that for you…. How soon do you need it by?... Well, we actually have that meeting at 3…. Yeah, I’ll get it to you before 5…. `K, bye.  (Disconnects the call, then slams down the receiver and whispers) Noooooooooooo….

            Friend 2: (Leans back from the desk to look over at Friend 1) What’s that?

            Friend 1: Nothing!  (Starts typing furiously)

            Friend 2: You sure?  It seemed like the sound of an unexpected project being tossed your way.

            Friend 1: The more you talk, the more I’m delayed!

            Friend 2: Uh-huh.  (Resumes work.  After a minute) Need any help?

            Friend 1: (With blazing eyes fixed on the screen) No one can help me!

            Friend 2: Hoo boy.

            [3:15 p.m.]

            Speaker: (To the employees gathered in a conference room) …and when you select this tab, you’ll see all your options for restructuring, drilling down, and purchasing….

           Friend 1: (In a whispered conversation with Friend 2) Son of a gun, this is the exact same stuff that was covered in the e-mail they sent out last week!

            Friend 2: Yeah, but who actually reads those?

            Friend 1: I do!

            Friend 2: Then you’re in the minority.

            Speaker: Next question?

          Co-Worker 1: Yes, will we still be able to use the old system to place orders once the new system goes live?

            Friend 1: (Stands and addresses the ceiling) For the love of all that is decent, no!  Read, fools, why can’t you people read?!!! (Runs away)

            Friend 2: Heh-heh, sweet.

            [4:03 p.m.]

            Friend 1: Done!  Finished all of my work, finished all of other people’s work, and I just have to finish this one last thing and I’m free!

            Friend 2: (Sing-song) You’re not gonna make it….

            Friend 1: If you’re the one who makes me late, you will never know peace again.

            [4:28 p.m.]

            Friend 1: Dare I say it?

            Friend 2: I wouldn’t.

            (Friend 1’s desk phone rings)

            Friend 1: (Turns sharply to glare at it and hisses) Beast!

            Friend 2: I’d let it go to voicemail.

           Friend 1: Of course you would, you never answer the phone anyway!  (Ringing continues) Ooh, I’m technically still on the clock, and what if it’s important that can’t wait `til tomorrow and I get fired because I didn’t answer?!  (Snatches the receiver) Billing Department, this is – Hiiiii?  How are you?... Well, I'm actually leaving for the day…. (Friend 2 slowly taps a watch; Friend 1 grabs a pencil to chew on) Uh-huh, so you need me to walk you through it?... I’m sorry – what is your actual question then?

            (Co-Worker 2 enters and hovers around Friend 1’s desk)

            Friend 2: (Packing up to leave) Need help?

            Co-Worker 2: Yeah, but I can wait.  (Gestures at Friend 1)

          Friend 1: (Still on the phone) OK, I’m listening.  (Slumps down onto the desk and weeps soundlessly)

            Friend 2: Take a number, and maybe bring some candy as a peace offering.

Story 242: Pests Are Always Invincible

            (In a tree)

            Tick: This is it: this is the day I’m gonna do it.

            Mosquito: What, mutate?

            Tick: No – take a meal from one of the apex predators.

           Mosquito: That’s certainly ambitious.  You sure you want to go through something like that, though?  Plenty of choices around here that aren’t so nasty.

            Tick: I’m tired of deer, that bird I just dropped off of was very unsatisfactory, I’ve only got a few months left to pop out some kids and die, and I want to trophy hunt before I go.

          Mosquito: Suit yourself, since you want to be so omnivorous, but you do realize this’ll probably be the end of the line.

            Tick: Then what an end!  (Spots a potential host) All right, that looks like a good one: lots of mane to get lost in, especially since I don’t have to climb up the rest of the body to get there this time.  (Shudders at the memory)

            Mosquito:  Really?  That one?  Smells bland.

            Tick: It’s the closest one I can see so I’m going for it!  (Raises a front leg to test the wind and makes complex calculations adjusting for air currents, land speed of the target, and angle of descent)  Here I go – wish me luck!  (Sees that Mosquito had left some time ago) Right.  (Drops from the tree and lands on the target’s head).  Ooh, nice and warm.

            (Six hours later)

            Human: (Scratches head) Hm, something in my hair?  (Grabs and takes a look)

            Tick: Howdy.

            Human: [String of expletives]

            Tick: No need for alarm, I barely burrowed in – you actually woke me up from a nice nap just now, so if you don’t mind –

            Human: No-no-no-no, I can’t have Lyme’s, my life can’t be over, what am I going to do – ?!

            Tick: Relax, most of us don’t have that one, but it’s a stigma we’re all forced to bear.

            Human: Really?  You don’t have Lyme’s?

         Tick: How should I know?  You guys are the ones always poking around in everyone’s business; you figure it out.

            Human: I certainly will.  (Drops Tick on the floor, takes a heavy book, and drops that on top; gingerly lifts the book up)

            Tick: My kind has survived countless generations of all that Mother Earth has literally thrown at us – you seriously think that a simple crushing pressure would defeat me?

            Human: Yes!

            Tick: Typical human reaction: something irritates you, therefore it must die.

            Human: Well you probably’ve killed me, so we’re even!

          Tick: I sincerely doubt it: my guess is that if – if, mind you – I happened to pass along anything, your fellows have cooked up some unnatural concoction that no doubt will keep the little ones too busy to do any real damage.  And I wouldn’t stress out over something you might have, and maybe focus more on that anemia you’ve been working on lately.

            Human: What?!

            Tick: I think I’ve told you more than you deserve.

            Human: In that case – (Places Tick in a plastic bag)

            Tick: (Muffled) You think a simple lack of oxygen would defeat me?

            Human: It should!

            Tick: I wouldn’t take that bet.

            (Two days later)

            Human: (Checks bag) You’re still alive?!

            Tick: You think a simple lack of food and water would defeat me?

           Human: Fire might, once I have a lab tech check you out.  I have to wait weeks before my blood’ll show if you gave me anything, so now I don’t even know how to feel!

            Tick: Might I recommended gratitude for being alive at all?

            Human: What would you know?!

            Tick: Enough.  (Reveals hole that was bitten into the bag) Tick away!  (Scurries to a window)

            Human: Drat.  Should’ve done the fire first.

           Tick: Typical human reaction.  And you think a simple extreme temperature would defeat me?  By all rights my kind should be running this planet!  But, unlike some species I could name, we’re not greedy.

Story 241: Hoping for a Home

         Friend 1: I’m telling you, pretty much all of them are harmless.  Sometimes a little over-enthusiastic, but harmless.

            Friend 2: OK, I guess – this is my first time doing this, so I’m a little nervous.

            Friend 1: Just stick by me and follow my lead.  Ooh, here’s one coming right for you, don’t be shy!

            Friend 2: I – I – I just can’t, I’m sorry!

            Friend 1: It’s OK, I’ll handle this one.

            Visitor 1: Aren’t you a pretty kitty, yes you are!  (Holds out hand)

            Friend 1: (Sniffs fingers) Hm, not a serious customer.

            Friend 2: (Hanging back in a corner) How can you tell?

          Friend 1: I smell cat all over her – doubtful she’d bring a stranger into the fold, especially living with one that old.  Still, she’s a friend of our kind.  (Rubs head against Visitor 1’s hand)

            Visitor 1: Aw, look, she likes me!

            Visitor 2: Don’t even think about bringing her home, young lady.

            (Friend 1 looks knowingly at Friend 2 while purring enthusiastically; Visitor 1 moves on)

            Friend 1: (Trots over to Friend 2 and bats around a toy mouse) See?  Some of them just want to cuddle and then grab a snack in the café, but the more you circulate around here the better your chances one will take you home.

            Friend 2: (Jumps to a high ledge on the wall and settles down) I don’t know, what if we seem to hit it off but then it turns out we’re incompatible?  I miss my old home, and at least here I know everybody.

            Friend 1: Not for long, pal – none of us plan on staying here long-term.  (There is activity on the other side of the room) Case in point: looks like McFluffy’s got herself a new family.  Way to go, McFluff!

            Friend 2: Aw, and I liked her – we bonded because her human had gotten sick, too.  At least I still have you.

            Friend 1: (Rubbing against Visitor 3’s legs) Don’t count on it: I intend to be whisked away to my new forever home by someone halfway decent within the next few weeks if I have to lie to do it.

            Friend 2: What, by pretending to be a lap cat or something?

            Friend 1: If that’s what it takes.  Come on down, you’ll never get adopted if you stay up there!

           Friend 2: Oh, all right.  (Leaps down to the floor and is immediately approached by Visitor 3, abandoning Friend 1 in mid-rub)

            Friend 1: Hey!  Tease.

            Visitor 3: Hi there, little guy.  (Holds out hand, knuckles first)

            Friend 2: Here goes.  (Sniffs) Smells all right.

            Friend 1: Go on, introduce yourself.

           Friend 2: Oh boy.  (Rubs head against Visitor 3’s hand, then lightly nips) Sorry, I’m sorry!  I don’t know what came over me!

            Visitor 3: (Laughs) Ooh, feisty!  I can take a hint.  (Moves on)

            Friend 2: Aw, I ruined it!  (Flops onto a cat bed and sighs)

           Friend 1: (Scratching a post) Don’t beat yourself up over it; happens to the best of us, that’s why they sign a waiver.  Try taking a nap in the condo by the front window – the humans’ll see you first as they come in and maybe they’ll look for you later.

           Friend 2: I don’t know, that feels self-exploitative.  (Looks around) Maybe I should go meet that family who just walked in; they seem nice.

            Friend 1: (Stretched out on the floor, being given a belly rub) Go get `em, tiger!

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