(In
a tree)
Tick:
This is it: this is the day I’m gonna do it.
Mosquito:
What, mutate?
Tick:
No – take a meal from one of the apex predators.
Mosquito:
That’s certainly ambitious. You sure you
want to go through something like that, though?
Plenty of choices around here that aren’t so nasty.
Tick:
I’m tired of deer, that bird I just dropped off of was very unsatisfactory, I’ve
only got a few months left to pop out some kids and die, and I want to trophy
hunt before I go.
Mosquito:
Suit yourself, since you want to be so omnivorous, but you do realize this’ll
probably be the end of the line.
Tick:
Then what an end! (Spots a potential
host) All right, that looks like a good one: lots of mane to get lost in,
especially since I don’t have to climb up the rest of the body to get there
this time. (Shudders at the memory)
Mosquito: Really?
That one? Smells bland.
Tick:
It’s the closest one I can see so I’m going for it! (Raises a front leg to test the wind and
makes complex calculations adjusting for air currents, land speed of the
target, and angle of descent) Here I go –
wish me luck! (Sees that Mosquito had
left some time ago) Right. (Drops from the
tree and lands on the target’s head).
Ooh, nice and warm.
(Six
hours later)
Human:
(Scratches head) Hm, something in my hair?
(Grabs and takes a look)
Tick:
Howdy.
Human:
[String of expletives]
Tick:
No need for alarm, I barely burrowed in – you actually woke me up from a nice
nap just now, so if you don’t mind –
Human:
No-no-no-no, I can’t have Lyme’s, my life can’t be over, what am I going to do –
?!
Tick:
Relax, most of us don’t have that one, but it’s a stigma we’re all forced to
bear.
Human:
Really? You don’t have Lyme’s?
Tick:
How should I know? You guys are the ones
always poking around in everyone’s business; you figure it out.
Human:
I certainly will. (Drops Tick on the
floor, takes a heavy book, and drops that on top; gingerly lifts the book up)
Tick:
My kind has survived countless generations of all that Mother Earth has literally
thrown at us – you seriously think that a simple crushing pressure would defeat
me?
Human:
Yes!
Tick:
Typical human reaction: something irritates you, therefore it must die.
Human:
Well you probably’ve killed me, so we’re even!
Tick:
I sincerely doubt it: my guess is that if – if,
mind you – I happened to pass along anything, your fellows have cooked up some
unnatural concoction that no doubt will keep the little ones too busy to do any real
damage. And I wouldn’t stress out over
something you might have, and maybe focus more on that anemia you’ve been
working on lately.
Human:
What?!
Tick:
I think I’ve told you more than you deserve.
Human:
In that case – (Places Tick in a plastic bag)
Tick:
(Muffled) You think a simple lack of oxygen would defeat me?
Human:
It should!
Tick:
I wouldn’t take that bet.
(Two
days later)
Human:
(Checks bag) You’re still alive?!
Tick:
You think a simple lack of food and water would defeat me?
Human:
Fire might, once I have a lab tech check you out. I have to wait weeks before my blood’ll
show if you gave me anything, so now I don’t even know how to feel!
Tick:
Might I recommended gratitude for being alive at all?
Human:
What would you know?!
Tick:
Enough. (Reveals hole that was bitten
into the bag) Tick away! (Scurries to a
window)
Human:
Drat. Should’ve done the fire first.
Tick:
Typical human reaction. And you think a
simple extreme temperature would defeat me? By all
rights my kind should be running this planet!
But, unlike some species I could name, we’re not greedy.
