Story 242: Pests Are Always Invincible

            (In a tree)

            Tick: This is it: this is the day I’m gonna do it.

            Mosquito: What, mutate?

            Tick: No – take a meal from one of the apex predators.

           Mosquito: That’s certainly ambitious.  You sure you want to go through something like that, though?  Plenty of choices around here that aren’t so nasty.

            Tick: I’m tired of deer, that bird I just dropped off of was very unsatisfactory, I’ve only got a few months left to pop out some kids and die, and I want to trophy hunt before I go.

          Mosquito: Suit yourself, since you want to be so omnivorous, but you do realize this’ll probably be the end of the line.

            Tick: Then what an end!  (Spots a potential host) All right, that looks like a good one: lots of mane to get lost in, especially since I don’t have to climb up the rest of the body to get there this time.  (Shudders at the memory)

            Mosquito:  Really?  That one?  Smells bland.

            Tick: It’s the closest one I can see so I’m going for it!  (Raises a front leg to test the wind and makes complex calculations adjusting for air currents, land speed of the target, and angle of descent)  Here I go – wish me luck!  (Sees that Mosquito had left some time ago) Right.  (Drops from the tree and lands on the target’s head).  Ooh, nice and warm.

            (Six hours later)

            Human: (Scratches head) Hm, something in my hair?  (Grabs and takes a look)

            Tick: Howdy.

            Human: [String of expletives]

            Tick: No need for alarm, I barely burrowed in – you actually woke me up from a nice nap just now, so if you don’t mind –

            Human: No-no-no-no, I can’t have Lyme’s, my life can’t be over, what am I going to do – ?!

            Tick: Relax, most of us don’t have that one, but it’s a stigma we’re all forced to bear.

            Human: Really?  You don’t have Lyme’s?

         Tick: How should I know?  You guys are the ones always poking around in everyone’s business; you figure it out.

            Human: I certainly will.  (Drops Tick on the floor, takes a heavy book, and drops that on top; gingerly lifts the book up)

            Tick: My kind has survived countless generations of all that Mother Earth has literally thrown at us – you seriously think that a simple crushing pressure would defeat me?

            Human: Yes!

            Tick: Typical human reaction: something irritates you, therefore it must die.

            Human: Well you probably’ve killed me, so we’re even!

          Tick: I sincerely doubt it: my guess is that if – if, mind you – I happened to pass along anything, your fellows have cooked up some unnatural concoction that no doubt will keep the little ones too busy to do any real damage.  And I wouldn’t stress out over something you might have, and maybe focus more on that anemia you’ve been working on lately.

            Human: What?!

            Tick: I think I’ve told you more than you deserve.

            Human: In that case – (Places Tick in a plastic bag)

            Tick: (Muffled) You think a simple lack of oxygen would defeat me?

            Human: It should!

            Tick: I wouldn’t take that bet.

            (Two days later)

            Human: (Checks bag) You’re still alive?!

            Tick: You think a simple lack of food and water would defeat me?

           Human: Fire might, once I have a lab tech check you out.  I have to wait weeks before my blood’ll show if you gave me anything, so now I don’t even know how to feel!

            Tick: Might I recommended gratitude for being alive at all?

            Human: What would you know?!

            Tick: Enough.  (Reveals hole that was bitten into the bag) Tick away!  (Scurries to a window)

            Human: Drat.  Should’ve done the fire first.

           Tick: Typical human reaction.  And you think a simple extreme temperature would defeat me?  By all rights my kind should be running this planet!  But, unlike some species I could name, we’re not greedy.