Story 501: Never Turn Down a Free Cruise

NOVEMBER

 Friend 1: (On the phone) Hi, I’m in the middle of the supermarket checkout line and everyone’s glaring at me, what’s up?

Friend 2: (On the phone) You… could’ve just let it go to voicemail and called me back later.

Friend 1: I could’ve but now I’m in too deep, so what’s up?

Friend 2: Well, long story short, I found out I won an actual, legitimate cruise for two to Alaska for next year and since none of my family are even remotely interested I figured I’d ask you next.

Friend 1: Aw, offering me to be your plus-one on a free cruise, you’re so sweet!  This must be what it feels like to be rich!

Friend 2: A little bit, yeah.  But it’s only the room and main meals that are free – everything else is à la carte.

Friend 1: Naturally.  You know, I’ve never been on a cruise before; I’ll have to think about it first and get back to you.

Shopper 1: (Standing behind Friend 1) What’s to think about; it’s a free cruise!

Shopper 2: (Standing in front of Friend 1; turns around) Where’s it going?

Friend 1: Alaska.

Shopper 2: I’ve always wanted to go there!  Take the free ride!

Shopper 1: If you don’t, I will!

Friend 2: Sounds like the committee voted “Yes.”

Friend 1: (To Friend 2) Yeah, sure, it sounds great, it’s just all so sudden, I have to figure out if I can get time off from work and how we’re gonna get there and back and all the logistics stuff.

Shopper 2: Who cares?!

Friend 1: (To Shopper 2) Clearly I do.

Friend 2: It’ll be in July so it’s plenty of advance notice for work; I’ll book everything and let you know whatever your share is for plane tickets and what-not; this’ll-be-great-thanks-bye!  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Puts away the phone and stares into space) “Plane tickets”?

Shopper 2: Who cares?!

Friend 1: But flying’s such an ordeal; can’t the ship just swing by and pick me up?

 JULY

DAY 1

(At a pier in Seattle)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1 after they pay their taxi driver and Haul their suitcases to the line of tourists; points to the docked cruise ship) There it is!  Life size now!

Friend 1: (Looking around) There what is?  A giant apartment building’s blocking the view.

Friend 2: That’s it!  That’s the ship!  Don’t you see the lifeboats and the bow and the portholes?!

Friend 1: (Long blinks and looks at the entire vessel up and down) That’s the ship?!  It’s a floating city!

Friend 2: Pretty much – last I heard the medical bay was expanded into a full-blown hospital this year, complete with a double-decker ambulance.  Didn’t you watch any of the videos I sent you that showed all the stuff on board?

Friend 1: I wanted to manage my expectations.

(Later on the pool deck, Friend 1 and Friend 2 lounge on chairs and watch the kiddies and their parents splash around)

Friend 1: (Eating an ice cream sundae) I’ve noticed that no matter how early in a party it is, there’s always somebody in the pool.

Friend 2: Yep – it’ll probably be too cold for most of the trip once we head north, but there’s a heated pool inside and a few hot tubs we can bake in for about 15 minutes a pop.

Friend 1: Too cold?  It’s the middle of summer!

Friend 2: Yeah, and we’ll be knocking on the door of the Arctic Circle.

Friend 1: Tell that to the now-amphibious polar bears!

Friend 2: (Sips a lemonade and mutters) It’s not that bad there.  Yet.

Friend 1: (Devours the cone) Well, the minute I see palm trees where we’re going, I’ll know the end has come.  (Opens a brochure to Juneau that shows palm trees in the scenery; holds out the picture to Friend 2) KNEW IT!!!

Friend 2: Relax; palm trees can grow there; we’ll still see glaciers and snow.

Friend 1: Before they turn to water!

Friend 2: (Stands) Whatever: I’m going to our skydiving simulator reservation – you still coming?

Friend 1: (Immediately trots to the upper deck) No need to ask.

(In the main dining room at dinner)

Friend 1: (Reading a menu) So I can order every single thing on this, twice, and not get charged for it?

Friend 2: Basically, except for the specials on the bottom that are extra – everything else is included, so go wild.

Friend 1: (Softly, while scanning the dish descriptions) Yesssss….

Server: (Returning after taking drink orders earlier) Hello, ready to order?

Friend 1: Yes: I want one of each, sans the items with dollar signs next to them, and the extras boxed up to bring back to the room, please.

Server: (Writing down “EVERYTHING”) OK, I’ll wheel you out a few trays later.  (To Friend 2) Same for you?

Friend 2: No thanks – just the salad, fish, and key lime pie, please.  (To Friend 1) I actually have some self-control.

Friend 1: Apparently, that attitude is not encouraged here.

Server: (Finishes writing the orders and takes the menus) Great – your food will be out in a few minutes!  There’ll also be a magic show here starting soon that’ll be your entertainment for the evening, so enjoy!  (Leaves to round on 10 other tables)

Friend 1: Wow.  Everyone who works here is super nice – I almost feel guilty.

Friend 2: Why?

Friend 1: Because I’m tempted to start asking for unreasonable things just to see if they’ll do it.

Friend 2: Ew – I thought you were going to say you feel bad that they’re working all the time trying to “please” us and all we have to do is be grateful and tip generously afterward.

Friend 1: That too.  (Glances at watch) I forgot to check – when’s this show getting on the road?

Friend 2: The magic show?

Friend 1: No, the cruise!  I thought we would’ve started sailing ages ago!

Friend 2: We did.  (Gestures to a window) See?  Just the open water now.

Friend 1: (Leans forward to stare, then places hands on the table and stares at it) I don’t even feel anything moving….

Friend 2: I know, right?  Ship stabilizers are great these days!

Friend 1: (Still holding onto the steady table) Most… disconcerting….

(Several hours later)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 as they leave the main theater with the rest of the audience) I tell ya, that juggler-acrobat-comedian-contortionist-stenographer was great!  Sure don’t get talent like that back home!

Friend 2: We… sure do, all the time; how many shows are in our area that are just like that?

Friend 1: Yeah, but it feels more special when it’s being done on the high seas.  (Stops to peer longingly at a gourmet milkshake shop in the main avenue of the ship as the crowds and scooters whiz by all around them)

Friend 2: That stuff’s part of the extras, you know.

Friend 1: Yet totally worth it.  (Turns to take in everyone around them) Would you look at that: people came from all over the world to this one spot, either to have a good time or to possibly be overworked providing a good time to others.  I wonder if this is the closest the world’ll ever get to utopia?

Friend 2: I doubt it: too expensive, consumerist, and wasteful to be ideal.

Friend 1: (Glances at the plate suddenly in Friend  2’s hands) I noticed that hasn’t stopped you from taking all the free pizza.

Friend 2: (Between bites) When am I ever gonna get the chance again to have 10 different styles of pie and not feel it in my wallet?  I’m at peace with my hypocrisy.

Friend 1: That’s great.  (Takes out phone and scrolls through the ever-expanding itinerary on the cruise app) Well, it’s only midnight; up next is standing on line for an hour for bumper cars – you in?

Friend 2: No thanks; that’s all you.

Friend 1: Oh, it will be once I’m done demolishing my teenage adversaries.  (Skips away to run up 10 flights of stairs rather than wait two minutes for an elevator)

Friend 2: (Also takes out phone to check the app) No way they can fit bumper cars on this thing.  (Sees a picture of the massive sports center) Heh – whaddya know.  (Continues eating with one hand while scrolling with the other and walking toward the casino) Ooh, pickleball at 7 a.m. – trendy.

 DAY 8

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stand on line with their suitcases to disembark the ship)

Friend 1: I can’t believe we’ve been here more than a week and it’s already over!  I didn’t even get to check out the library yet!

Friend 2: There’s way too much going on to do everything; I’m just glad I got to do all the trivia contests I wanted.  Lost them all, but still.

Friend 1: Speak for yourself – I won a fabulous highlighter that one time.

Friend 2: We were supposed to be working as a team, you know.

Friend 1: Is it my fault you have zero knowledge of 80s music?  I can’t be held back when I’m on a winning streak.

Friend 2: Anyway, those and the shore excursions were what I really wanted to do, and I’m glad they all went well.

Friend 1: Yep, those were great.  Learned so much about the Native American tribes who live there, and the Russian colonists who used to live there, and all the land the latter sold to the U.S. right out from under the former, and how the U.S. was all “Too bad”, and how there’s really nothing you and I can do about it now except appreciate the history and culture and give lots and lots of tourism money.

Friend 2: …Yeah, all that.  And we did get to see the glaciers.

Friend 1: And loads of bald eagles and ravens!  But, disappointed - no whales.

Friend 2: Or dolphins.

Friend 1: Or bears.

Friend 2: Eh – not up close for me.

Friend 1: Or Northern Lights.

Friend 2: Wrong time of year.

Friend 1: Still – lately they’ve been showing up randomly way south of where they should be, it would’ve been nice when we’re actually in their home base if they’d made a guest appearance just once during the 10 p.m. sunsets.

Friend 2: Sure, sure.  Well, at least we got to see the glaciers before they fully melted.

Friend 1: Yeah, that was pretty cool.  (Looks out to the pier and mutters) Pun intended.

Friend 2: Yeah.  (They advance several inches in line) Since you really got to experience glacier melt firsthand.

Friend 1: (Still looking out to the pier) We agreed never to speak of that again….

 TO BE CONTINUED

Story 235: Accidentally Helping the Environment

            She woke up to see the hotel alarm clock was exactly half an hour after the time the alarm was supposed to have gone off.

            “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….” was her siren call as she sprang out of bed, into some clothes and shoes over her pajamas, and down the hall with her lone bag, dropping a fiver for the housekeeper on the way out.

            “…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….” she continued down four flights of stairs, through the lobby as she tossed her room key in the general direction of the concierge desk, through the revolving door, and onto the bus idling right outside.

            “…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa – ” she was cut off as she ran all the way to the back of the full bus and crashed into the rear seats.  She took a deep breath, saw everyone staring at her, and chose to exhale instead of finishing her sentence.

            The bus immediately closed the doors and drove off, so she settled down into her seat and took a brief nap to recover from her morning workout.  She woke up hungry when the bus lurched to a stop; she looked out the window and confusedly stared at a welcoming beach.  Everyone else filed out, but she searched through her bag for her tour group itinerary to double-check: she could have sworn that day was set for the trip to the human anatomy museum –

            “Everybody out!” someone in authority proclaimed.  Must have changed tour guides at the hotel, she thought as she brought up the rear of the disembarkees.

            She still fumbled through her bag as she shuffled behind the group; she realized she also must have missed when they were distributing the matching hats and T-shirts, because she was the only one dressed in civvies.

            A clipboard-wielding volunteer approached her: “Hi!  You’re with these guys?”

            “Uh, yeah, I – ” fumble, fumble, fumble, “I, uh, I – ”

            “You can just hop on a group of three; here’s some gloves – ” gloves were handed to her – “don’t walk on the dunes, and don’t touch any syringes!”

            “What?”

            “Thank you for what you’re doing!”  And they moved on.

            She stared at the gloves.  Was there an archaeological dig scheduled on this trip?  Her missing itinerary would need to explain itself later.

            She followed the T-shirts and found a random group of three; she cursed herself for never remembering the names of anyone she met unless they had been repeated to her at least four times, and faces were a lost cause.  She smiled at each and eagerly followed them on to their beach adventure....

            About two minutes in, it became apparent that this was the most disgusting beach that ever existed on a supposedly fun-filled getaway: among the pounds of broken beer bottles, cigarette butts, candy wrappers, busted balloons, and dog poop bags, she felt she could never face a beach again without seeing it as one giant misplaced garbage can.

            “I found another soda can tab!”

            “Got it!”

            She saw the members of her group and all the others from her bus were actually picking up the pieces of trash they were forced to encounter, and then taking notes on a huge card – had their tour group been recruited by the local Parks Department to do their job for them as part of the admission fee?!

            Not wanting to be the only one setting up her umbrella, mat, and boombox while everyone else was working wholeheartedly on their unexciting scavenger hunt, she slowly pulled on the gloves, set aside her bag, and began scooping up all the gross fishing lures and plastic cutlery she saw within a two-foot radius, which was a lot.

            “Wait!  How many were there?”  One of her group was pointing at what she had just dumped in a trash bag that they were dragging around on their excursion.

            “What?  I dunno, five maybe?”  What difference did it make?  One was too many, in her opinion, and they apparently were surrounded by millions.

            The group member wrote notes on the card.  “Uh-huh, and were they all glass?”

            “Uh, no, I think there was a bit of string stuck in there too, yuck.”

            “Plastic or cloth?”

            “The blazes I know!”

            The recorder scrambled through the scummy trash bag, pulled out the string, and nodded.  “Plastic.  And it actually goes in this garbage bag – ” they held up a black bag – “`cause the white one’s for recycling.”

            “…OK.  So how long do we have to keep doing this?”

            “About four hours.”

            Her eyes widened and veins popped out as her companion was called away to take note of some other piece of filth.  She grabbed the arm of the remaining group member: “When’s the trip?”

            She got a blank stare: “This is the trip.”

            She released the arm and made a note to self that she had to have a serious discussion with her travel agent as soon as she could safely escape her escorts.

            “Wow, a shotgun shell!”

            “That’s actually on the list!”

            She wandered with them as they gleefully scooped up water bottles, shattered mugs, and someone’s lost friendship bracelet; to appear busy, she took her time planting a biohazard flag next to a diaper that brazenly crossed their path.  Rounding a dune, she spotted the mother lode:

            “Hey guys!”  Her group turned to her as she hoisted an anchor above her head.  “Should this go in trash or recycling?”

            The recorder blinked.  “I think we’ll put a flag next to it for pickup later.”

            “Suit yourself!”  She let it crash back to the sand.

            At the four-hour mark, they all headed back to the parking lot with their abominable treasures and scientific catalog of waste, exhausted yet joyful with the good deeds they had done that day.

            “I feel that I am a better person because of all this,” she half-said to herself as she settled in her comfy seat at the back of the bus.  “The world is now a cleaner place because of me, and the fish and birds can swim and fly free of the detritus that would have severely hindered their lifestyles, all because I was there to make things right with Mother Nature.  The world will now live, and it’s all thanks to me.”

            “All right, folks,” the person in authority addressed them from the front of the bus.  “Rest up as much as you can, `cause we’re hitting the other two beaches before dinner.”

            “WHAT?!”