DAY 5
(In the middle of a lake, Friend 1 and Friend 2 along with 10 other tourists sit in a giant raft while holding small paddles and wearing giant life jackets, giant rubber pants, and giant rubber boots. The tour guide seated at the rear rows mightily, speaking between each long row)
Tour Guide: Now, you all remember how I told you to hang on or scooch over to one side when I yell at you to do so while we’re in the rapids, yes? (They all nod and/or say “Yes”) Good, because this raft has never flipped over once and no one has ever fallen out in the five years I’ve been doing this, and you are not ruining my perfect record, m’kay? (They all nod and say “Yes” again) Great. Now, you see that you all have paddles in your hands and most of your fellows in the other rafts don’t for a very good reason: most of the other rafts have only 10 guests, whereas I drew the short straw today and got the 12-seater, which pushes past the tipping point of any of our superhuman rowing capabilities. In short: there’s one of me, 12 of you, combined with raft and equipment to make thousands of pounds; do the math.
Tourist 1: OK: if each of us weighs between –
Tour Guide: Bottom line is, you all are gonna have to pitch in with paddling at some points on this adventure, or else it’ll all be over real fast, you get me? (Eleven people nod; Friend 1 raises a hand) And no, there are no discounts for having to work on this trip – it was clearly stated in the fine print!
Friend 1: (Lowers hand and mutters) Drat.
Friend 2: (Looks away from Friend 1 and also mutters) So embarrassing.
Tourist 2: (Raises a hand) I actually have a prosthetic hand that I’m still getting used to, so I’m not sure if I can help much with this.
Tour Guide: You’re excused; enjoy the ride.
Tourist 2: Wow. An actual perk. (Sets down the paddle and slightly relaxes)
Tour Guide: So! (Starts rowing the raft in circles) If everyone remembers what to do exactly when I need you to do it, you should all have a GREAT TIME, DO YOU HEAR ME?!! Ooh look, a bear. (Everyone turns to the shoreline and sees a grizzly bear standing on hind legs and waving a front paw at them) That’s new – they usually never come out like this.
Tourist 3: Oh dear; can they swim?
Tour Guide: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Starts rowing in one direction again, heading for the river as Tourist 3 turns back to the bear with a terrified expression) Now, if you look over at those mountains there, you can see the glacier that feeds the lake and river.
Tourists and Friends: Oooooooooooooh….
Tour Guide: It’s melting 2 inches a day, so it’ll be gone by next year.
Tourists and Friends: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh….
Tour Guide: Yeah; take your pictures now, I guess. (Phones are taken out of waterproof bags for sad snapshots) All right, that’s enough – we’re coming up to the rapids so get your paddles ready!
Friend 2: (To Friend 1 as they all put back their phones and get their paddles ready) This is exciting!
Friend 1: Not really: I fully intended to be a passive passenger on this extravaganza, so I will assume zero responsibility if this vessel capsizes.
(The raft starts bobbing up and down rapidly as the rapid rapids do their thing)
Tourists and Friends: Whee!
Tour Guide: (Rowing and steering wildly) None of that – start paddling on the left! (To the ones on the right who also started paddling) Knock it off! (Some on the left stop) Not you – (To the ones on the right) you!
Tourist 4: I’m so confused!
Friend 1: (Turns around to face Tour Guide) Yeah, maybe don’t have tourists be your only crew on these things!
Tour Guide: It’s in the fine print!
Friend 1: (Waves the paddle) It clearly diminishes the experience!
Tour Guide: (Leans back while looking ahead) Brace yourselves, everyone – waterfall!
Friend 1: (Turns forward while speaking) Water–WHAAAAAAA – ???!!! (The rest is drowned out by the waterfall)
(On reaching the slightly calmer waters at the bottom, everyone in the raft is drenched)
Tour Guide: Now – (Shakes head rapidly back and forth to dislodge the excess water) Wasn’t that fun?
Tourists: (Mumbling) Yeah, sure, it was all right….
Tourist 5: I’m wet!
Tourist 6: I have no idea how you’ve made it this long in the world.
Friend 2: (Looks around frantically) Um, we lost somebody. (Leans over the now-empty space on the bench and searches out over the water) We lost somebody!
Tour Guide: (Mutters) Cripes. (Louder) Is there anyone in the water when they should be in the raft? (Sees a head pop up) Gotcha! (Steers the raft over and leans out to pull up a figure in the water by the life jacket)
Friend 2: You’re not ours!
Not-Ours Tourist: Oh, hey, I got swept overboard when we were skirting around the whirlpool and got sucked back here – since you have an empty spot, can I hitch a lift? It’s pretty chilly in here.
Tour Guide: Absolutely not! Still gotta find mine!
(Another raft paddles over)
Tour Guide 2: Hi! That one’s ours; could you shove `em over here, please?
Tour Guide: Sure. (Shoves Not-Ours Tourist over to the other raft where the latter is hauled up by the tourists in that vessel)
Tour Guide 2: Thanks – we were doing great until we hit Charybdis, so I headed back a bit to pick up this one and regroup. (Peers at Tour Guide’s raft) I see you lost one, too?
Tour Guide: Waterfall.
Tour Guide 2: Whelp, there goes our winning streak – two in one day, not good. I’ll give a shout if I see yours, all right?
Tour Guide: Appreciate it.
Tourist 7: (Whispers to Tourist 8) I notice there are 12 in their group but they don’t have paddles.
Tourist 8: (Whispers back) Typical – we always get stuck with the working vacations.
Tour Guide: Is that mutiny I hear?!
Friend 2: Who cares?! My friend is still overboard!
Tour Guide: Oh yeah – can they swim?
Friend 2: Barely!
Tour Guide: Hm. Not the best excursion to be on then, is it?
Friend 2: Listen, you – !
Friend 1: (Standing on the edge of a bank and waving wildly) Howdy-ho!
Friend 2: (Waving wildly back) Oh thank goodness; I thought this was just about to turn into a tragedy.
Tourist Guide: Great, you look fine – just swim on over here!
Friend 1: (Stops waving abruptly) In a pig’s eye! I’ve had enough frozen swimming in a non-swimming activity today, I-thank-you!
Tour Guide: (Rolls eyes and rows the raft over to the bank) Ugh, fine, I’ll bring us closer but you’ll have to wade out a little to climb in, all right?
Friend 1: I suppose that’ll have to do. (Wades out and hops onto the bench next to Friend 2, who rubs the shivering Friend 1’s arms to warm them)
Friend 2: You OK?
Friend 1: (Teeth chattering) Shockingly, yes: there were about 20 boulders I missed on the way here, but a helpful seal guided me to shore. Not sure why – it would’ve been the perfect opportunity for Nature Revenge.
Tour Guide: OK everybody, paddles at the ready, here comes the whirlpool!
Tourist 9: Isn’t that where the other group lost one of their own just now?
Tourist 10: Yes, who’s next?!
Friend 1: Not me, that’s for sure – I already did my time in the drink.
Tourist 10: Yes, it could happen again!
Friend 1: You volunteering?!
Tour Guide: Aaaaaaand – paddle for your lives!
Friend 1: (Looks around for lost paddle and mutters) I’m not paying for that.
(The rest paddle frantically as they circle the whirlpool)
Friend 2: Not to hit the panic button, but are we supposed to be going deeper?
Tour Guide: (Looks up at the small patch of sky as the raft descends farther into the vortex) Huh. Never had that happen before.
Tourist 1: Is now a good time to freak out?!
Tour Guide: Sure, why not?
Tour Guide, Tourists, and Friends: (As they are flushed into the heart of the river) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….!!!!!
10 MINUTES LATER
(The raft glides smoothly along the river toward a dock where another employee from the tour company calmly awaits their arrival)
Tour Guide: (Lazily rowing) Well! If I’d known that whirlpool was also a warp zone to our final destination, I’d’ve taken it every time years ago.
Friend 2: We almost drowned!
Tourist 5: Yeah, I’m wet!
Tourist 6: (Shakes dripping head) Hopeless.
Friend 1: (Smiling serenely) Actually, that part was kind of fun – can we do it again?
Friend 2 and Tourists: NO!
Friend 2: Are you nuts?!
Friend 1: …I may have a bit of hypothermia right now.
Tour Guide: (Stops the raft at the dock; Tourists and Friends are helped out by the employee) Go grab blankets and turn in all your gear at the rest area, please – there also are hot drinks and some snacks since you all had such an AMAZING ADVENTURE TODAY!
Tourist 2: (Nearly falling out of the raft) Your tip will be a maximum of $2 from each of us, and that much only for the fact that you eventually got us back in one piece.
Tour Guide: Dang it.
Friend 1: (Helped by Friend 2 over to a bench, still shivering) Did you notice how many bald eagles were just casually hanging out along the river?
Friend 2: (Also shivering) Not especially!
Friend 1: Too bad: that was the best part.
SEVERAL WEEKS LATER
Friend 1: (Lounging on the couch, wrapped up in multiple blankets; answers phone) Hey, what’s up?
Friend 2: (Sitting at a kitchen table on the other end) So, did you read the article I sent to you yet?
Friend 1: The one about a river flooding and destroying all those homes? Sure, sounded awful, but why’d you send it to me?
Friend 2: Did you happen to notice where that happened?!
Friend 1: Yeah, it was in Alaska; so?
Friend 2: That was the river we were just on!
Friend 1: No it wasn’t.
Friend 2: Yes it was; it was the melting glacier we saw there that flooded everything and ruined all those lives!
Friend 1: No, that was a different melting glacier; the photos in the article looked nothing like the river we were on. Plus the captions called it an entirely different name.
Friend 2: Oh. You sure?
Friend 1: I am intimately acquainted with the geography of that river, so yes. And this is for real the last time we’re ever talking about “The Incident”.
Friend 2: I can’t hear air quotes but I’m assuming that’s what you did. So, even though it wasn’t the same river we were on, the whole disaster being caused by the unnaturally melting glacier really makes you think about our impact as tourists and as human beings on a whole, doesn’t it? Even though what we did there was relatively passive.
Friend 1: Speak for yourself: I swear I could hear that bear laughing at us the entire time.
