(Friend 2 waits next to the driveway as Friend 1’s car turns to pull up it – the engine descends from a semi-loud roar to a steady rattle as it idles after being put into “Park”)
Friend 2: (While entering the passenger side) Coming in for a landing?
Friend 1: (In the driver’s seat, confused) Eh?
Friend 2: (Buckles seat belt) Your car sounds like it’s returned from orbit.
Friend 1: (Shifts into “Reverse” and backs down the driveway with a grinding of gears) Oh hardy-har-har, how original – now do you want to go to Neptune or not?!
Friend 2: (As the car returns to the street, is shifted into “Drive,” and screams increasingly louder while accelerating to escape velocity) What an appropriately named city.
Friend 1: Shut it. (Things shudder as they turn onto the highway) The car still runs, that’s all I care about.
Friend 2: Uh-huh. Until the engine falls out.
Friend 1: That’s Future Me’s problem – whoa! (Slams on the brake pedal with an ear-splitting screech as two lanes of red lights appear on the road in front of them)
Car: Hey!
Friend 1: Sorry.
Friend 2: (Trying to peer through the sea of cars) Maybe there was an accident?
Friend 1: Must’ve been, or just regular old roadwork – no one ever stops en mass, it’s just not done. (Drums fingers on the steering wheel for a few seconds, then turns on the right-hand signal and checks the side- and rear-view mirrors) Right: I’m taking a shortcut.
Friend 2: What? Where? We only have to go two more lights on this road to get to the diner.
Friend 1: And that’s two lights too many! (Slides the car onto the shoulder and rides that for some time to the jughandle at the intersection, leaning on the horn when someone else also tries to get into the lane; shouts out the window) I thought of it first, pal!
Friend 2: (Mutters) This is totally illegal.
Friend 1: And so are avoidable traffic jams that waste my time!
(They turn out of the jughandle and make a left at the light to complete the U-turn)
Friend 2: OK, so we’re now going in the completely opposite direction – how is this a shortcut, exactly?
Friend 1: (Turns right onto the next cross street) Easy: we loop around to go parallel to that monstrosity we just left, get back onto the highway south of where said monstrosity ends, and then come up the other side and avoid the whole thing! Speaking of which – you mind checking navigation on your phone to make sure there’s no traffic jam on the other side, please?
Friend 2: (Sighs, then checks the map app on the phone) No, it looks like everything’s backed up on the one side we just left.
Friend 1: Sweet. And so, we go – hello.
Friend 2: (Still checking the phone) Yes?
Friend 1: (Pumps the brake pedal several times to rattle to a stop; in a tight voice) You neglected to mention the never-ending line of cars in our immediate path.
Friend 2: Hm? (Looks up and sees a never-ending line of cars in their immediate path). Oh. Well, you didn’t ask me to check this road; you only asked me to check our final destination road.
Friend 1: (Knuckles whiten on the steering wheel) So… I… did…. (Starts pounding the wheel) The blazes is this now?!
Friend 2: (Holds a calming hand over the other two) Easy there. (Points to an intersection far up ahead) Looks like they’re fixing a downed pole.
Friend 1: (Leans forward to squint, then starts rocking the car as springs squeal in protest) Errrrrrggghhhhh… they closed off the road I was going to turn down….
Friend 2: Then turn down the next one.
Friend 1: (Stops rocking) The next one that runs parallel is another half-mile away!
Friend 2: Then, you can always go back the way we came –
Friend 1: NEVER! (Slams on the gas to advance one car length; the engine whines in retaliation)
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Friend 1: (Turning right onto the next highway) OK! We’ve finally made it to the parallel path – is our way still clear, Navigator?
Friend 2: (Checks the phone) Yes, again, as my battery drains.
Friend 1: It’s a necessary evil; right now, you’re my eyes in the sky! (Wildly turns right onto another cross street)
Car: Wheeeee!!!!!
Friend 1: Hush!
Friend 2: (Looks up ahead and back down at the phone several times) That’s odd.
Friend 1: I have no time for odd! (Shifts into lower gear to go up a small hill)
Friend 2: It’s just, the phone’s still showing the road ahead’s clear, but I keep seeing emergency lights at the intersection. (Looks down again) Ah, there it is – another road block.
Friend 1: (Immediately signals right and pulls over to stop in a haze of smoke and several things popping; turns to Friend 2 while slamming on the hazard lights) What.
Friend 2: (Holds up the phone) Everyone’s finally now reporting it – looks like today’s the day for downed poles.
Friend 1: (Grabs the phone and pulls it close to see the details) That was the only other way in.
Friend 2: You know what the ironic part about this is –
Friend 1: I’d rather not.
Friend 2: – if we’d just stayed on the first highway for the two lights, we would’ve eventually gotten to where the diner is and probably even would’ve been there by now.
Friend 1: (Looks up in a daze) You want me to go back?
Friend 2: No! At this point, I want to go home.
Friend 1: …Fair enough. (Turns off the hazard lights, signals left, and pulls out into traffic again; the car shudders with each gear change as the speed increases)
Friend 2: I think the car wants to go home, too.
Friend 1: Car has to learn that life is inherently unfair.
FIFTY MINUTES LATER
(Friend 1 comes to a landing in Friend 2’s driveway)
Friend 2: (Unbuckles seat belt) Well, that was a nice waste of time and gas as we were detoured a total of 15 times to nowhere and back – we really must do this again sometime.
Friend 1: Hey, I didn’t create the downed poles and the roadwork and the traffic everywhere we wanted to go!
Friend 2: (Exits the car and turns back, with the door still open) True, but next time you have the urge to take a shortcut, don’t.
Friend 1: It would’ve worked without all that other stuff! The math was sound! (Slams the dashboard in emphasis; the car’s engine promptly falls out)
Car: Done. (Sags down onto its tires)
(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at the defunct vehicle)
Friend 2: Soooo… I guess this means you’re staying for dinner.
Friend 1: You got “Cheap Used Car” on the menu?
