Story 467: Trying to Get to Thanksgiving

(At a Thanksgiving family gathering, relatives prepare the food, set the table, watch and yell at the football game, and take a pre-nap nap in the early afternoon when the house phone unexpectedly rings)

Relative 1: (Momentarily pauses in basting the turkey to pick up the phone) This’d better be important.

 Relative 2: (Driving extremely slowly in bumper-to-bumper traffic on city streets) Happy Thanksgiving!  Can you hear me?!

Relative 1: (Moves on to stirring cranberry sauce on the stove) Happy Thanksgiving to you, too – and of course I can hear you, stop yelling.

Relative 2: (Lowers voice slightly) Sorry – it’s just that I’ve been in this massive traffic jam for what feels like days and everyone around me seems to’ve discovered their car horns and are forming a band with them as we speak.  You’re probably getting ready for dinner right about now –

Relative 1: (Chuckles while swapping out casserole dishes in the microwave) Honey, we’ve been getting ready for dinner for the past two weeks.

Relative 2: Yeah – I’m gonna be a little late.

Relative 1: Define “little.”

Relative 2: Ummm…. (Peers through the windshield to read an upcoming sign) I’ll be crossing the state line in 20 miles.

Relative 1: (Momentarily pauses again while spooning mashed potatoes into a large bowl) You’ve got another hour drive here after that, and that’s when there’s no traffic.

Relative 2: Yeah….

Relative 1: What time did you leave this morning?

Relative 2: More like this afternoon.

Relative 1: On Thanksgiving?!  Knowing that the entire country is out on all the roads at exactly the same time?!  What were you thinking?!

Relative 2: (Sheepishly) I’m thinking… start without me?

Relative 1: (Gives a noise of disgust while rapidly stirring a bean salad) We’ll save you a plate!  (Hangs up the phone with one hand while stirring with the other, then sticks head out of the kitchen into the dining room) Take away the place setting on the far left end – we’ve got a late one!

Relative 3: Ooh, does this mean I can finally graduate from the kiddie table this year?

Relative 1: No!  It means more room for us!

Relative 3: Shucks.  (Takes away the place setting)

Relative 1: (Returns to the kitchen momentarily, then sticks out head again) All right everybody, sit down, it’s time for dinner!

Relative 4: (Also in the kitchen) But the potato pie’s still got another 20 minutes.

Relative 1: (Back in the kitchen) It’ll take them 20 minutes to actually sit down.

Relative 4: Good point – I’ll keep stirring the gravy.

 TWO HOURS LATER

(The dishes have been cleaned, leftovers have been sorted, tables have been wiped down, desserts and drinks are being staged for deployment, more football is being watched and yelled at, and naptime resumes scattered throughout the house)

Relative 5: (Cracking walnuts at the dining room table while addressing Relative 6 sitting opposite) Look, I’m gonna tell you something I wish someone had told me decades ago: Life is a series of dreams being crushed, with the biggest blow being the realization that you shouldn’t’ve had them to begin with.  [CRACK!] You’ll have an advantage over your peers now.  (Relative 6, a 5-year-old child, sits there with mouth agape)

Relative 1: (Sticks head into the dining room while drying a large platter in order to address Relative 5) Hey!  Help me in the kitchen!

Relative 5: You guys kicked me out of the kitchen!

Relative 1: And now you’re bothering your cousin, so get in here and bring out the pumpkin pie!

Relative 5: (Tosses a cracked walnut to Relative 6, who catches it with a whimper, then saunters over to the kitchen) I’m not bothering; I’m dispensing life lessons.  (The house phone rings)

Relative 1: (Scooping coffee grounds madly) Dispense them over the phone, then!

Relative 5: (Sighs, then picks up the receiver) Hello, not my house, just answering.

Relative 2: (Stopped in the middle of a five-lane road, surrounded by motor vehicles of all sorts; in the background, the sun is almost set) Whichever blood relation or in-law this is, could you turn on Channel 4 and tell me what the BLAZES is going on out on the parkway, please?!

Relative 5: (Saunters over to the living room) Oh hey, still stuck in traffic?

Relative 2: …Clearly!

Relative 5: Why don’t you just use your phone’s GPS to see if it’s an accident or something?

Relative 2: I have not moved from this spot for an hour and a half – I turned off navigation `cause it was draining the phone’s battery!

Relative 5: Use the car charger, then.

Relative 2: I turned off the engine!  And that’d just drain the car’s battery! 

Relative 5: Right.  (Grabs the remote control, waits for a commercial on the TV, then changes the channel)

Relatives 7-13: (Watching the TV) Hey – ohhhh!!!

Relative 5: Two seconds; just need the traffic.

Relative 2: They should be showing something on the news: there are helicopters everywhere, and I am this close to begging them to air lift me out of here!

Relative 5: Heh, sounds fun – oh, here it is.  (Puts the phone on speaker)

TV Announcer: (Standing next to the parkway with an unending sea of cars and trucks) We’re live at the scene where there is an 112-vehicle pile-up –

Relatives 7-13: Hey – ohhhh!!!

Relative 2: WHAT?!

TV Announcer: – if at all possible, do not get on the parkway southbound, or any roads connected to it, for at least the next month.

Relative 2: (Sobs)

Relative 5: (Changes the channel back to the football game and tosses the remote control onto a chair) I have a question: you think you could maybe ditch the car and walk here?  It’s probably faster at this point.

Relative 2: (Sniffs) I wonder, maybe…?  No, it’d take me half a day just to get to the exit!  I’ll be trapped here forever surrounded by chaos and the never-ending sound of blaring horns, whatamIgonnadooooooo????!!!

Relative 1: (Emerges from the kitchen with pitchers of hot and cold drinks as other relatives finish bringing out the goodies) All right everybody, sit down, it’s time for dessert!

Relative 5: Ooh, gotta go.  (Disconnects the call, tosses the phone onto the couch, and joins Relatives 7-13 in the rush from the living room)

(Relative 2 stares at the silent phone, sets it down gently on the passenger seat, watches the circling helicopters and fellow travelers setting up campfires and tents all over the place, and then reclines the seat all the way back to take a nap)

 THREE HOURS LATER

(Relative 1 is dozing in an armchair in front of the TV when there is a faint banging on the front door.  Suddenly waking up, Relative 1 then heads to the door, unlocks it, and sees Relative 2 standing on the front porch, hands held up at 10 and 2 o’clock)

Relative 1: Hi – (Yawns and waves Relative 2 inside) you made it!

Relative 2: (Stops just inside the vestibule as Relative 1 closes the door) Everyone else is gone; the food is gone; I, myself, am gone….

Relative 1: (Hugs Relative 2, gently pushing down the latter’s arms) I saved you a plate.

Relative 2: Thanks – that just about makes it all worth it.

Story 397: Make Sure You Appreciate the Moment, Dangit!

 (At a family get-together, family members get together around a long dining room table in the only house that can fit everyone)

Head of Family: (Raises a glass to signal others to do the same) I’d like to take this moment to say, it’s great to see you all here today, and even though we have dinners like this for every major holiday we celebrate, we should never take each other or occasions like this for granted.

(Relative 1’s mouth drops open in mid-pasta-chew)

Relative 2: Hear, hear!

Relatives: Cheers!

Head of Family: Wait, I wasn’t finished yet!  (Relatives pause mid-sip) Soooo… umm….

Relative 3: Don’t take anything for granted?

Head of Family: Right!  Yes!  Don’t.  Bottom line: appreciate moments like this when we’re all together, and eating good food, and listening to that one over there’s work stories for the 88^th time –

Relative 4: Heh?

Head of Family: Love you all!  (Raises glass higher) Now you can cheer.

Relatives: Cheers!  (Everyone downs their drinks and then dives into the food)

Relative 3: (Sitting next to Relative 1) Something wrong with your dish?

Relative 1: (Had been staring into the middle distance) What?  No, it’s just – it’s finally sinking in that I don’t truly appreciate things as much as I should.

Relative 3: (Begins eating) Well, when you think about it, who really does?

Relative 1: Lots of people!  And I thought I did, but it’s suddenly crashing in on me that, dinner-in, dinner-out, I just assume this pasta will always be there, and always taste delicious.

Relative 5: Aw, thank you!

Relative 1: (Points to Relative 5) See!  I don’t think I’ve properly thanked you for cooking us all dinner at these things in over 30 years!

Relative 5: It’s my pleasure – but it’s nice to hear every once in a while, too.  (Glares at the rest of the table)

 Relative 1: (Back to Relative 3) And I just shovel this food into my mouth, and don’t take the time to truly appreciate the flavor, or the work in making it, or the fact that we all can meet together like this and for the most part actually like each other, or the overwhelming love in this room!

(The other Relatives have stopped eating and now are staring at Relative 1)

Head of Family: Hey – don’t make this weird.

Relative 1: Sorry.  (Sheepishly starts eating again)

Relative 3: (As everyone else resumes the meal) I’m sure you’re fine; I wouldn’t worry much about whether you’re showing your gratitude enough, m’kay?  (Definitively turns away and begins talking with Relative 5)

Relative 1: (Whispers to the pasta) Too late….

(At a theater several days later, Relative 1 is leaning forward in the seat with wide-open eyes, taking in as much of the spectacle on stage as possible until intermission)

Relative 1: (Looks around as the house lights brighten and the entire theater stands up to go find the restrooms) Wait, I’m still trying to absorb the entire experience but my mind keeps jumping ahead to work tomorrow!

Theater-goer: Relax; it’ll start again in 15 minutes.

Relative 1: The curtain never goes up on time!

(At a retail store the next day, Relative 1 stands in a trance behind the cash register counter)

Coworker: (Walks over to Relative 1) Hey, what’s up with you?

Relative 1: (Still staring at the opposite end of the store) Oh, just taking it all in that I’ve been working here for almost five years, and it really is a nice environment to spend 40+ hours a week in, even when there’s an overwhelming amount of tasks and some customers just can’t help trolling us and some managers misplace their wrath on their beleaguered subordinates, you know.  (Looks at Coworker) You’re pretty cool to work with, did I ever tell you that?

Coworker: Uh, thanks, but I came here to give you a heads-up that you-know-who called out again so you’re going to have to cover the entire back half of the store in addition to the registers tonight.

Relative 1: Son of a – no, no, that is not the attitude I should be taking toward this situation.  Instead, I should view this as a stimulating challenge that I will ably conquer and look back upon fondly 10 years from now, when this era magically transforms from “The Annoying Times” to “The Good Old Days.”

Coworker: Hey, whatever works; I’m just riding this place out until graduation.  (Goes on break)

Relative 1: (Turns back to face the chaotic store and smiles as a line of customers materializes) You do you.

(In a dentist’s office the next day, Relative 1 is sitting in The Chair)

Dentist: (Holds X-rays up to the light) As you can see, years of failing to properly brush and floss combined with all the sugar you consume regularly have accumulated into the massive amounts of decay on every last one of your teeth – I’m going to have to put in fillings everywhere if there’s to be any hope of saving them, and even then it’ll be 50-50 for the molars.

Relative 1: (Grins wildly with rotten teeth) Pain, expense, added daily hygiene routines, possible bone loss: this is a valuable experience that I will endure stoically and later brag about to friends and enemies alike.  Drill away, Doc!  (Lies back on The Chair and opens mouth wide in a silent yell of triumph)

Dentist: (Mutters) Weirdo.  (Begins drilling enamel)

(At home the next day, Relative 1 is sitting on an armchair holding an ice pack against one side of the mouth when the phone rings)

Relative 1: (Speaking with swollen everything) Hi?

Relative 3: Hey, heard about your massive number of fillings – how’re you feeling now?

Relative 1: Could be better.  I’m actually just sitting around, contemplating my blessings of basic good health, loving family, comfortable life, etc., etc.

Relative 3: Oh, you’re still on that kick?  You know, you can appreciate life and all that, but if you keep focusing so much on trying to appreciate single moments it seems like you’re actually going to miss out on the things you’re trying to appreciate in the first place.

Relative 1: …Eh?

Relative 3: Don’t take anything too far, is what I’m saying.  Otherwise I’m going to spend Thanksgiving distracted seeing you zone out all over the place.

Relative 1: But how else am I gonna appreciate life to the utmost fullest?!

Relative 3: I don’t know; spot-check it, I guess!  And in the spirt of the topic, I’m going to appreciate my life more by ending this conversation now – bye.  (Hangs up)

Relative 1: (Sets down the phone and leans into the ice pack more) I just wish I could tell whether I’m appreciating the moment in the right amount.

Story 377: You Make a Terrible Relative

 (At a toddler’s birthday party)

Parent: (Greeting Relative in the crowded living room) Thank you so much for coming!

Relative: Sure – listen, I don’t know what the kids are into nowadays so I got the little tyke one of those credit card gift cards they sell at the supermarket.  (Hands over a gift card that has a tiny bow stuck on it) Tell `em “Go to town.”

Parent: (Gingerly takes the card) Oh, thank you – he is only turning 3, and if you weren’t sure what to get you could always call or e-mail me, that’d’ve been fine.

Relative: Yeah, I didn’t think of that.  Guess there’s always next year, right?  (Looks around at family and friends scattered about or romping about the room and furniture) So what’s next; I never know what to do at these things.  Any entertainment stopping by later?

Parent: Please just eat something.

(At a holiday get-together in a house)

Cousin: Oh hi, it’s so nice to see you; how’ve you been?

Relative: Could be worse – you?

Cousin: I’m good.  Remember last time we were all together like this, what was it, somebody’s 90^th birthday party?

Relative: I’m gonna be honest with you: these get-togethers and the people in them are all a blur, so I never remember your name or how exactly we’re related.

Cousin: Oh.  Our parents are cousins so we have the same great-grandparents – I think that makes us first cousins once removed?  Or second cousins?  I never know the difference.

Relative: Sounds too distant for me to care; as long as you make me laugh and aren’t too judgy, we’re good.

Cousin: …OK, I’m going to help set the table for dinner – nice talking to you.  (Heads to the kitchen)

Relative: Same here.  (Spreads across a couch and snacks on crackers and cheese) I’m gonna stay out of the way of setting up or clearing up or cleaning up or any of that – wouldn’t want to presume in someone else’s house.  (Grabs the last napkin) Aaaaand I forgot how we’re related again already.

(At a wedding reception)

Relative: (Sitting with other haphazard family members) Hi.  (Nods in greeting at each person)  How many hours’re left in this thing?

Distant Cousin 1: Well, they just served the pasta and salad so we’ve got quite a bit to go yet.

Distant Cousin 2: You know, technically you can leave whenever you want, heh-heh-heh.

Relative: That is true.  (Fiddles with the flowers on the centerpiece) I already sat through the disappointingly long ceremony; you don’t think anyone’d notice me leaving if I got up and walked out right now?

Distant Cousin 3: I’d notice!

Relative: And what’s it to you?  You’re 5 years old and this is your first wedding – you haven’t experienced enough of the inane horrors of these things to have an opinion yet.  But you will.

Distant Cousin 1: At least stay for the main course, and the happy couple also’ll stop by later to thank us for coming so you should experience that.

Distant Cousin 2: Oh yeah, I see they’re bringing the fancy box with them so I’ll give our gift then.

Relative: What’re you talking about?

Distant Cousin 2: (Holds up an envelope) When they come over, I’ll just drop this in the box.

Relative: What, you got them another “Happy Wedding” card?

(The Distant Cousins stare at Relative)

Distant Cousin 1: It’s the wedding gift.

Relative: I sent them a bunch of wooden spoons ages ago, what more do they want?

Distant Cousin 2: You seriously didn’t bring anything tonight?

Relative: Unless you’ve got a washing machine in there I’m assuming you mean money, and in that case why should I?  I didn’t tell them to take on all this expense or start a blessed life together in unified debt!

Distant Cousin 3: You’re supposed to cover your plate.

Relative: That’s rubbish – they invited me!

Distant Cousin 1: They are family.

Relative: Yeah, family just means you think you can impose; tell them to write me out of the will and we’ll be even – ooh, prime rib’s here!  (Devours entrée and ignores the couple when they arrive)

(At home, Relative’s phone rings)

Relative: (Answers while reading a magazine) What’s up?

Mother: It’s your mother – what is this I hear you’re not going to your niece’s graduation?!

Relative: Oh, should I be?

Mother: Yes!  She’s your niece!

Relative: Just because one of my siblings decided to have a kid doesn’t make their goings-on any more meaningful to my life.

Mother: You –

Relative: Anyway, I thought it was optional, like “Hey, if you have nothing to do on a weekday and want to sit on uncomfortable bleachers in the baking sun for four hours,” that sort of thing.  I planned on cutting work and watching movies that day; it’s marked on my calendar.

Mother: You’d better be there and you’d better bring a gift this time!

Relative: Ugh, what is it with everyone and gifts?!  Besides, she just finished school, we’ve all done it, no big deal.

Mother: She’s getting her doctoral degree!

Relative: Oh.  Really?  Must’ve missed when she started that; good for her.

Mother: You really are clueless – and while we’re at it, would it kill you to visit your grandparents every once in a while?

Relative: …Do you mean literally?

Mother: I can’t believe you come from the same gene pool as the rest of us!  (Hangs up)

Relative: (Tosses away the phone while flipping through the magazine some more; mutters to self) Families sure are exhausting.