Story 328: You Sound Meaner in Writing

            (In an office, Coworker 1 walks to Coworker 2’s desk)

            Coworker 1: Hey, can I ask for a favor?

           Coworker 2: (Did not see Coworker 1 approaching and quickly closes a few windows on the monitor and fusses with items on the desk without looking up) Oh hi, sorry, really busy right now, doing that report you know, e-mails, calls, so much going on, not enough hours in the day, they don’t pay us enough for all this stress, right, what?  (Finally looks up at Coworker 1)

            Coworker 1: Still sneaking in ------------- fan fiction?  It’s been almost a year since the series finale.

            Coworker 2: I will never recover from that dumpster fire of an ending, do you hear me?!  So, how can I help?

            Coworker 1: I just got a notice to meet with the quality manager, and I need back-up.

            Coworker 2: Well, she won’t want to see me there: I wasn’t invited to the party.

         Coworker 1: It doesn’t matter, I’ll just say you’re there to take notes and you can doodle gibberish, I just – can’t face her alone.

          Coworker 2: Why not?  Did something happen between you two?  How would you guys’ve even met?  I’ve never seen her down here and everything’s done by e-mail anyway – she probably telecommutes from Tahiti for all we know.

           Coworker 1: No, she’s here, and e-mail’s the problem: going by that, I don’t think she likes me.

           Coworker 2: I’ll need some examples before passing judgement.

          Coworker 1: (Pulls out a phone and scrolls through the screens) OK, here’s one from about a month ago: “The report needs to be submitted by this afternoon; it can’t be late.  This is a State requirement.”  (Looks at Coworker 2 expectantly)

            Coworker 2: OK, a bit brusque, but understandable: the State’s kind of a big deal.

           Coworker 1: All right – (Scrolls a bit) here’s a better one: “This has to be redone – there are too many errors for it to be sent on to Corporate.  If you send a corrected version by tomorrow, that would work.” (Looks at Coworker 2 expectantly)

            Coworker 2: Ohhhh-kaaaay, so you messed up a report and got told to fix it before it went to the bigwigs?

             Coworker 1: That’s not the point – can’t you just feel the reproach oozing out of the screen?

             Coworker 2: I’d reproach you too if you’d sent me shoddy work.

          Coworker 1: All right, bad example.  (Scrolls a bit) Aha!  This one’s perfect: “Report received.  I will contact you next month for updates.”  (Looks expectantly at Coworker 2) Well?

            Coworker 2: Eh....

            Coworker 1: Well?!

            Coworker 2: I guess a “Thank you” would’ve been nice –

            Coworker 1: Ha!

            Coworker 2: – but not mandatory, since whatever you sent in was, you know, part of your job.

           Coworker 1: You are no help whatsoever.  And the point is, I always seem to mess up around her, and she seems like she’s mad at me all the time, so I can’t face her in person without some kind of posse there with me!

           Coworker 2: OK, but what am I gonna do if she, I don’t know, rightfully reprimands you?  Tell her off?

          Coworker 1: No, I’m just hoping your mere presence will be enough to restrain her from completely removing my head.

          Coworker 2: I doubt it – she sent me an e-mail this morning saying that my presentation has too many slides that’ll make it go overtime when she shows it, which is true now that I step back from the situation and consider all factors, so, you know, there’s that.

             Coworker 1: Meeting’s at 3:00 in the conference room.

             Coworker 2: Oh fine.

3:00 IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM

            (Coworkers 1 and 2 sit at a long table)

            Coworker 1: Can we use the 15-minute rule for work like we did in college?

            Coworker 2: (Playing on phone) If you’d like to get written up, sure.

            (They see the Quality Manager approaching through the room’s windows)

            Coworker 1: (Stands and mutters) OK, here she comes.

          Coworker 2: (Pockets phone and stands) By the way, you owe me a five pound chocolate bar for this.

            Coworker 1: Wha – ?!

           Quality Manager: (Enters the room, beaming widely) Hello!  It’s so great to finally meet you in person!  All this back-and-forth with e-mails, it gets to be so impersonal, don’t you think?

            Coworker 1: …A little bit.

           Quality Manager: (Laughs as they all sit at the table) I know: it’s so convenient and helps me get so much done, but people say I tend to be too to-the-point, you know what I mean?

            Coworker 1: Well….

           Quality Manager: By the way, thank you for always replying so quickly and sending me what I need right away!  I wish everyone had your work ethic!

            Coworker 1: Oh.  Thanks.

           Quality Manager: (Chuckles while opening a laptop) Well, you certainly make my life easier – I don’t have to chase after you all the time for everything.  Now: this should only take about 10 minutes, but I wanted you to see the portal we’re going to start using soon and I figured it’d be easier if I showed it to you instead of sending you a training video or something.

            Coworker 1: Oh yeah, that’ll be great – thanks!

            (Back at Coworker 2’s desk)

          Coworker 2: So.  I could’ve been immersed in reading about my OTP sweetly hooking up multiple times as they should have in Season 57, and instead I got to sit there and listen to you being proven wrong.

            Coworker 1: “OTP?”

            Coworker 2: One True Pairing.

            Coworker 1: Seriously?

            Coworker 2: Don’t bash my ship!

            Coworker 1: I don’t even know what you’re talking about!

         Coworker 2: Your loss.  Anyway, are you satisfied now that your e-mail foe was not the monster you’d built her up to be?

            Coworker 1: Yes, thank you – she was pleasant, and professional, and helpful, and, even, nice.

            Coworker 2: So there.  (Sits at the desk and logs onto the computer)

         Coworker 1: (Standing next to the desk, staring into the middle distance) Now I wonder, though: does this mean that I come off as a horrible person in e-mail?!

          Coworker 2: (Not looking up) I wouldn’t sweat it – without verbal inflections or body language to work with, almost anything you write can come across as mean and rude.  Why do you think I insert smiley faces in everything I send?  Otherwise, whatever I write reads like I think you’re all garbage.

Story 315: We Interrupt This Meeting for the Following Life Event

            (In a board room, six Members and one Chair are seated around a long table)

           Chair: I’m calling this meeting to order – we’re already five minutes late, and I am not wasting any more valuable time waiting for one slacker.  (Gestures to the empty seat at the opposite end of the table)

            Member 1: But their wedding is going on right now –

          Chair: If they can’t manage to be on time after making a commitment to join this committee, then what good are they, is what I say.  Now (Shuffles papers and glares at Member 3, whose keeps checking a vibrating cell phone), first order of business: approval of the previous meeting’s minutes.  (Looks around the table) Well?  Did anyone read them?  (Everyone looks down at their hands) I suppose the more important question is, “Did anyone write them?”

            Member 2: Yeah, since the admin’s still on maternity leave for the next few months we were supposed to rotate that amongst ourselves, but no one actually volunteered to go first.

            Chair: Useless.  All of you, and admin What’s-Her-Name, taking precious company time just to generate a tiny version of herself that’s no good to anybody right now.

            Member 2: Actually, her name is –

         Chair: Not Here!  That’s all I know!  (There is a knock on the room’s door) Clearly “No Interruptions” means nothing in this world.  (Hits a button on a remote control to open the door) What do you want?  (Someone in a uniform leans into the room and holds up a cooler) Oh that – come back in 20 minutes, m’kay?

            Uniform: But –

           Chair: (Hits a button on the remote control that slams the door shut) Now, since the minutes obviously are tabled until one of you layabouts gets around to writing them (Looks pointedly at Member 2, who begins scribbling notes on a pad), we will proceed to the next agenda item: (Reads from a paper) “Capital Budget Approvals.”  (Looks at Member 3) That’s your report, I believe?

            Member 3: Uh – yes, about that –

          Chair: Yes, about that: we all would like to hear about that.  (Member 3’s phone starts vibrating again) Are we interrupting something?

           Member 3: Uh – actually – (Looks at the phone) – uh, my partner and I are closing on the house today, and I was supposed to take off for that but then the meeting was rescheduled for now so I couldn’t take off, and with everything going on and me thinking I’d be off today I didn’t actually… do.. the…. (Trails off under the Chair’s withering glare)

            Chair: I’m waiting for the part where this is my problem.

            Member 4: (Grabs the wireless keyboard and mouse and retrieves charts to display on the wall monitor) It’s OK, I have the preliminary numbers for this and we can finalize them next meeting.

         Chair: (Still glaring at Member 3) They are supposed to be finalized this meeting, so preliminary anything does nothing for me.

            Member 3: (Texting on the phone and avoiding the Chair’s glare) Yeah – uh – I can have it done, uh, next week.

            Chair: After the meeting!  It might as well be done next century!  I hope your closing costs are triple the estimate and your lawyer charges overtime!  (Member 3’s jaw drops open) Moving on: the next item on the agenda is the upcoming community event the company’s apparently sponsoring to raise funds for some old age disease or, I don’t know, syphilis maybe.  So what are the updates on that?

            Member 5: Yes, this actually is a very personal project for me since my own diagnosis last year – everyone in the company has been so supportive, and with the funds raised in events like this, my doctors say I should be in remission once I have the last round of chemo, which is scheduled for right after this meeting is over.  (Looks pointedly at Chair while the other Members applaud)

            Chair: We’ll see about that – no one is going anywhere until matters here are resolved, my friend.  So, for the event, pick five volunteers from each of your departments and tell them to staff a table for 12 hours each or something; that should shut everybody up.  Next item –

            Member 3: (On the phone, standing; to Chair) I’m really sorry, but I have to go – the lawyers are starting to scream at each other and not even the seller knows what’s going on.

            Chair: (Points at Member 3) You sit back down right now and you stay in that seat until we are done and NOT A SECOND EARLIER!  (Member 3 sits; there is a knock on the door) Flippin’ rice – (Hits the button on the remote control to open the door) What?!  (Uniform leans into the room and holds up the cooler again) I SAID 20 MINUTES!

            Uniform: It can’t wait that long – this kidney’s only viable for another hour, so if you’re not prepped for the O.R. in the next 10 minutes it’ll be no good to anybody!

            Chair: Too bad for you!  (Hits a button to slam the door shut) Now, next item on the agenda –

            Member 6: (Stands) You know, I’m missing my kid’s dance recital for this, and I’d rather sit through that then stay another second here getting nothing done.  (Exits)

            Chair: We’re getting nothing done because you all are wasting precious time on trivialities!  Now let’s stop dithering about what we’re missing out on and start focusing on planning which side of the building the new company logo should be installed!  My vote’s east, to rival the rising sun.  (Members 1-5 stand and leave; Chair also stands)  Excuse me!  I did not adjourn you!

            Member 1: (At the door) If you need to get in touch with me, I’ll be at the funeral home for my uncle’s wake.  (Exits)

            Chair: Do-nothings!  Time-wasters!  Your pay should all be docked for inserting your life into the work-side of the balance!  (Flings papers into the air)

            Uniform: (Peeks into the doorway and holds up the cooler) Ready?

            Chair: (Slumps into the seat) Nah, I’ve gotta finish revising our emergency procedures by the end of the day – give it to someone who has the time to have it implanted.

Story 243: You Just Can’t Leave on Time

            [8:01 a.m.]

            Friend 1: (Entering the office) Morning.

            Friend 2: (Sighs softly, not looking up from the computer) That it is.

            Friend 1: (Settles belongings at desk and sits) Just a heads-up: I’ve got a thing right after work today, so I have to leave at 4:30 on the dot.

            Friend 2: (Looks over) What, you mean on time?

           Friend 1: Yeah yeah, I always wind up doing one last thing that pushes me over a few minutes, but today I really need to leave at 4:30.  As in, not even a minute later.

            Friend 2: Not gonna happen.  (Returns to the computer)

            Friend 1: What?  How do you know?

           Friend 2: (Looks back) Because you jinxed it: you said it out loud, and now it doesn’t matter how much you prepare ahead, you will not get out of here on time.  The universe has accepted your challenge and will deploy everything it has to keep you from leaving.  Your fate is sealed: no point in fighting it.

         Friend 1: I’d say you were talking out of your hat if you wore one, and now you’re just throwing me off my schedule.

            Friend 2: You’ll see I’m right.  Enjoy your misguided optimism while it lasts.

            Friend 1: It’s like talking to a wall.

            [10:30 a.m.]

           Friend 1: Did you see the e-mail about a meeting at 3:00?!  That’s going to set me back at least an hour that I can’t spare, and it’ll be pointless to boot!

            (Friend 2 looks over and smiles evilly)

            Friend 1: Oh shut up.  I’ll just have to push that one report I was going to work on today off to tomorrow.  That day is now pre-ruined, but this day is salvaged.  Yes, that should do nicely.

            Friend 2: (Shakes head slowly) You poor, poor sap.

            [1:15 p.m.]

           Friend 1: (Answers the desk phone) Billing Department, this is -----, how may I help you?... Oh hi, what can I do for you?... Oh…. Oh, OK…. Sure, I can do that for you…. How soon do you need it by?... Well, we actually have that meeting at 3…. Yeah, I’ll get it to you before 5…. `K, bye.  (Disconnects the call, then slams down the receiver and whispers) Noooooooooooo….

            Friend 2: (Leans back from the desk to look over at Friend 1) What’s that?

            Friend 1: Nothing!  (Starts typing furiously)

            Friend 2: You sure?  It seemed like the sound of an unexpected project being tossed your way.

            Friend 1: The more you talk, the more I’m delayed!

            Friend 2: Uh-huh.  (Resumes work.  After a minute) Need any help?

            Friend 1: (With blazing eyes fixed on the screen) No one can help me!

            Friend 2: Hoo boy.

            [3:15 p.m.]

            Speaker: (To the employees gathered in a conference room) …and when you select this tab, you’ll see all your options for restructuring, drilling down, and purchasing….

           Friend 1: (In a whispered conversation with Friend 2) Son of a gun, this is the exact same stuff that was covered in the e-mail they sent out last week!

            Friend 2: Yeah, but who actually reads those?

            Friend 1: I do!

            Friend 2: Then you’re in the minority.

            Speaker: Next question?

          Co-Worker 1: Yes, will we still be able to use the old system to place orders once the new system goes live?

            Friend 1: (Stands and addresses the ceiling) For the love of all that is decent, no!  Read, fools, why can’t you people read?!!! (Runs away)

            Friend 2: Heh-heh, sweet.

            [4:03 p.m.]

            Friend 1: Done!  Finished all of my work, finished all of other people’s work, and I just have to finish this one last thing and I’m free!

            Friend 2: (Sing-song) You’re not gonna make it….

            Friend 1: If you’re the one who makes me late, you will never know peace again.

            [4:28 p.m.]

            Friend 1: Dare I say it?

            Friend 2: I wouldn’t.

            (Friend 1’s desk phone rings)

            Friend 1: (Turns sharply to glare at it and hisses) Beast!

            Friend 2: I’d let it go to voicemail.

           Friend 1: Of course you would, you never answer the phone anyway!  (Ringing continues) Ooh, I’m technically still on the clock, and what if it’s important that can’t wait `til tomorrow and I get fired because I didn’t answer?!  (Snatches the receiver) Billing Department, this is – Hiiiii?  How are you?... Well, I'm actually leaving for the day…. (Friend 2 slowly taps a watch; Friend 1 grabs a pencil to chew on) Uh-huh, so you need me to walk you through it?... I’m sorry – what is your actual question then?

            (Co-Worker 2 enters and hovers around Friend 1’s desk)

            Friend 2: (Packing up to leave) Need help?

            Co-Worker 2: Yeah, but I can wait.  (Gestures at Friend 1)

          Friend 1: (Still on the phone) OK, I’m listening.  (Slumps down onto the desk and weeps soundlessly)

            Friend 2: Take a number, and maybe bring some candy as a peace offering.