Showing posts with label work-life balance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work-life balance. Show all posts

Thursday, November 14, 2019

Story 315: We Interrupt This Meeting for the Following Life Event


            (In a board room, six Members and one Chair are seated around a long table)
           Chair: I’m calling this meeting to order – we’re already five minutes late, and I am not wasting any more valuable time waiting for one slacker.  (Gestures to the empty seat at the opposite end of the table)
            Member 1: But their wedding is going on right now –
          Chair: If they can’t manage to be on time after making a commitment to join this committee, then what good are they, is what I say.  Now (Shuffles papers and glares at Member 3, whose keeps checking a vibrating cell phone), first order of business: approval of the previous meeting’s minutes.  (Looks around the table) Well?  Did anyone read them?  (Everyone looks down at their hands) I suppose the more important question is, “Did anyone write them?”
            Member 2: Yeah, since the admin’s still on maternity leave for the next few months we were supposed to rotate that amongst ourselves, but no one actually volunteered to go first.
            Chair: Useless.  All of you, and admin What’s-Her-Name, taking precious company time just to generate a tiny version of herself that’s no good to anybody right now.
            Member 2: Actually, her name is –
         Chair: Not Here!  That’s all I know!  (There is a knock on the room’s door) Clearly “No Interruptions” means nothing in this world.  (Hits a button on a remote control to open the door) What do you want?  (Someone in a uniform leans into the room and holds up a cooler) Oh that – come back in 20 minutes, m’kay?
            Uniform: But –
           Chair: (Hits a button on the remote control that slams the door shut) Now, since the minutes obviously are tabled until one of you layabouts gets around to writing them (Looks pointedly at Member 2, who begins scribbling notes on a pad), we will proceed to the next agenda item: (Reads from a paper) “Capital Budget Approvals.”  (Looks at Member 3) That’s your report, I believe?
            Member 3: Uh – yes, about that –
          Chair: Yes, about that: we all would like to hear about that.  (Member 3’s phone starts vibrating again) Are we interrupting something?
           Member 3: Uh – actually – (Looks at the phone) – uh, my partner and I are closing on the house today, and I was supposed to take off for that but then the meeting was rescheduled for now so I couldn’t take off, and with everything going on and me thinking I’d be off today I didn’t actually… do.. the…. (Trails off under the Chair’s withering glare)
            Chair: I’m waiting for the part where this is my problem.
            Member 4: (Grabs the wireless keyboard and mouse and retrieves charts to display on the wall monitor) It’s OK, I have the preliminary numbers for this and we can finalize them next meeting.
         Chair: (Still glaring at Member 3) They are supposed to be finalized this meeting, so preliminary anything does nothing for me.
            Member 3: (Texting on the phone and avoiding the Chair’s glare) Yeah – uh – I can have it done, uh, next week.
            Chair: After the meeting!  It might as well be done next century!  I hope your closing costs are triple the estimate and your lawyer charges overtime!  (Member 3’s jaw drops open) Moving on: the next item on the agenda is the upcoming community event the company’s apparently sponsoring to raise funds for some old age disease or, I don’t know, syphilis maybe.  So what are the updates on that?
            Member 5: Yes, this actually is a very personal project for me since my own diagnosis last year – everyone in the company has been so supportive, and with the funds raised in events like this, my doctors say I should be in remission once I have the last round of chemo, which is scheduled for right after this meeting is over.  (Looks pointedly at Chair while the other Members applaud)
            Chair: We’ll see about that – no one is going anywhere until matters here are resolved, my friend.  So, for the event, pick five volunteers from each of your departments and tell them to staff a table for 12 hours each or something; that should shut everybody up.  Next item –
            Member 3: (On the phone, standing; to Chair) I’m really sorry, but I have to go – the lawyers are starting to scream at each other and not even the seller knows what’s going on.
            Chair: (Points at Member 3) You sit back down right now and you stay in that seat until we are done and NOT A SECOND EARLIER!  (Member 3 sits; there is a knock on the door) Flippin’ rice – (Hits the button on the remote control to open the door) What?!  (Uniform leans into the room and holds up the cooler again) I SAID 20 MINUTES!
            Uniform: It can’t wait that long – this kidney’s only viable for another hour, so if you’re not prepped for the O.R. in the next 10 minutes it’ll be no good to anybody!
            Chair: Too bad for you!  (Hits a button to slam the door shut) Now, next item on the agenda –
            Member 6: (Stands) You know, I’m missing my kid’s dance recital for this, and I’d rather sit through that then stay another second here getting nothing done.  (Exits)
            Chair: We’re getting nothing done because you all are wasting precious time on trivialities!  Now let’s stop dithering about what we’re missing out on and start focusing on planning which side of the building the new company logo should be installed!  My vote’s east, to rival the rising sun.  (Members 1-5 stand and leave; Chair also stands)  Excuse me!  I did not adjourn you!
            Member 1: (At the door) If you need to get in touch with me, I’ll be at the funeral home for my uncle’s wake.  (Exits)
            Chair: Do-nothings!  Time-wasters!  Your pay should all be docked for inserting your life into the work-side of the balance!  (Flings papers into the air)
            Uniform: (Peeks into the doorway and holds up the cooler) Ready?
            Chair: (Slumps into the seat) Nah, I’ve gotta finish revising our emergency procedures by the end of the day – give it to someone who has the time to have it implanted.