(In
a board room, six Members and one Chair are seated around a long table)
Chair:
I’m calling this meeting to order – we’re already five minutes late, and I am
not wasting any more valuable time waiting for one slacker. (Gestures to the empty seat at the opposite
end of the table)
Member
1: But their wedding is going on right now –
Chair:
If they can’t manage to be on time after making a commitment to join this
committee, then what good are they, is what I say. Now (Shuffles papers and glares at Member 3,
whose keeps checking a vibrating cell phone), first order of business: approval
of the previous meeting’s minutes.
(Looks around the table) Well?
Did anyone read them? (Everyone
looks down at their hands) I suppose the more important question is, “Did
anyone write them?”
Member
2: Yeah, since the admin’s still on maternity leave for the next few months we
were supposed to rotate that amongst ourselves, but no one actually volunteered
to go first.
Chair:
Useless. All of you, and admin What’s-Her-Name,
taking precious company time just to generate a tiny version of herself that’s
no good to anybody right now.
Member
2: Actually, her name is –
Chair:
Not Here! That’s all I know! (There is a knock on the room’s door) Clearly
“No Interruptions” means nothing in this world.
(Hits a button on a remote control to open the door) What do you
want? (Someone in a uniform leans into
the room and holds up a cooler) Oh that – come back in 20 minutes, m’kay?
Uniform:
But –
Chair:
(Hits a button on the remote control that slams the door shut) Now, since the
minutes obviously are tabled until one of you layabouts gets around to writing
them (Looks pointedly at Member 2, who begins scribbling notes on a pad), we
will proceed to the next agenda item: (Reads from a paper) “Capital Budget
Approvals.” (Looks at Member 3) That’s
your report, I believe?
Member
3: Uh – yes, about that –
Chair:
Yes, about that: we all would like to hear about that. (Member 3’s phone starts vibrating again) Are
we interrupting something?
Member
3: Uh – actually – (Looks at the phone) – uh, my partner and I are closing on
the house today, and I was supposed to take off for that but then the meeting
was rescheduled for now so I couldn’t take off, and with everything going on
and me thinking I’d be off today I didn’t actually… do.. the…. (Trails off
under the Chair’s withering glare)
Chair:
I’m waiting for the part where this is my problem.
Member
4: (Grabs the wireless keyboard and mouse and retrieves charts to display on
the wall monitor) It’s OK, I have the preliminary numbers for this and we can
finalize them next meeting.
Chair:
(Still glaring at Member 3) They are supposed to be finalized this
meeting, so preliminary anything does nothing for me.
Member
3: (Texting on the phone and avoiding the Chair’s glare) Yeah – uh – I can have
it done, uh, next week.
Chair:
After the meeting! It might as
well be done next century! I hope your
closing costs are triple the estimate and your lawyer charges overtime! (Member 3’s jaw drops open) Moving on: the
next item on the agenda is the upcoming community event the company’s
apparently sponsoring to raise funds for some old age disease or, I don’t know,
syphilis maybe. So what are the updates on
that?
Member
5: Yes, this actually is a very personal project for me since my own diagnosis
last year – everyone in the company has been so supportive, and with the funds
raised in events like this, my doctors say I should be in remission once I have
the last round of chemo, which is scheduled for right after this meeting is
over. (Looks pointedly at Chair while
the other Members applaud)
Chair:
We’ll see about that – no one is going anywhere until matters here are resolved,
my friend. So, for the event,
pick five volunteers from each of your departments and tell them to staff a
table for 12 hours each or something; that should shut everybody up. Next item –
Member
3: (On the phone, standing; to Chair) I’m really sorry, but I have to go – the lawyers
are starting to scream at each other and not even the seller knows what’s going
on.
Chair:
(Points at Member 3) You sit back down right now and you stay in that seat
until we are done and NOT A SECOND EARLIER!
(Member 3 sits; there is a knock on the door) Flippin’ rice – (Hits the
button on the remote control to open the door) What?! (Uniform leans into the room and holds up the
cooler again) I SAID 20 MINUTES!
Uniform:
It can’t wait that long – this kidney’s only viable for another hour, so if you’re
not prepped for the O.R. in the next 10 minutes it’ll be no good to
anybody!
Chair:
Too bad for you! (Hits a button to slam
the door shut) Now, next item on the agenda –
Member
6: (Stands) You know, I’m missing my kid’s dance recital for this, and I’d
rather sit through that then stay another second here getting nothing done. (Exits)
Chair:
We’re getting nothing done because you all are wasting precious time on
trivialities! Now let’s stop dithering
about what we’re missing out on and start focusing on planning which side of
the building the new company logo should be installed! My vote’s east, to rival the rising sun. (Members 1-5 stand and leave; Chair also
stands) Excuse me! I did not adjourn you!
Member
1: (At the door) If you need to get in touch with me, I’ll be at the funeral
home for my uncle’s wake. (Exits)
Chair:
Do-nothings! Time-wasters! Your pay should all be docked for inserting
your life into the work-side of the balance!
(Flings papers into the air)
Uniform:
(Peeks into the doorway and holds up the cooler) Ready?
Chair:
(Slumps into the seat) Nah, I’ve gotta finish revising our emergency procedures
by the end of the day – give it to someone who has the time to have it
implanted.
