Story 385: Spring Has Sprung Without Me

(Sibling 2 answers the phone)

Sibling 2: Hey – what’s up?

Sibling 1: Is that the first thing you think of when I call, that something’s wrong?

Sibling 2: Yes: you only call me when something’s wrong, otherwise you just e-mail or text or wait `til we meet in person.

Sibling 1: Oh.  I never realized I was so predictably self-absorbed.

Sibling 2: Don’t trouble yourself – so, what’s up?

Sibling 1: Yeah, so you know how you helped me move into the house about a year ago now?

Sibling 2: Wow, it’s almost a year already?  I feel like we did all that last weekend.

Sibling 1: Don’t get me started on time dilation –

Sibling 2: Don’t worry, I won’t.

Sibling 1: I’m calling because I really haven’t been here all that long, and there’s already a mess.

Sibling 2: Isn’t that just left over from the move?

Sibling 1: That was earlier: this is a whole new mess.  The detritus of life, if you will.

Sibling 2: I’d rather not.

Sibling 1: Well, with the weather finally getting nicer, and Passover and Easter greeting us with the promise of renewal, and Ramadan right around the corner –

Sibling 2: Really?  Seems early this year.

Sibling 1: It can fall on any month of the year since it’s based on a lunar calendar, so there is no “early.”  Anyway, back to me: my brain’s finally registering that it is, at last, spring.

Sibling 2: If you say so – I’m still wearing sweaters every other day.

Sibling 1: And with spring, I feel that I should do the time-honored tradition of… Spring Cleaning.

Sibling 2: AHAHAHAHAHA – oh, you’re serious.  Since when do you do Spring Cleaning?  Or any kind of cleaning, for that matter?

Sibling 1: I clean!  It’s just that the bare minimum I used to get away with at home isn’t going to cut it in my life anymore.

Sibling 2: Welcome to the Wonderful World of Home Ownership.

Sibling 1: Too late, I’ve been there for months.  So, you in?

Sibling 2: On what? You’re taking forever to get to the point.

Sibling 1: Helping me Spring Clean the place on Saturday!

Sibling 2: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh – what time?

Sibling 1: Preferably before 10, and I’ll order pizza for lunch.

Sibling 2: I’ll be there at 8.

 SATURDAY AT 8

(Sibling 1 opens the front door to Sibling 2)

Sibling 1: What’s all this?

Sibling 2: (Carrying a bulging trash bag) Supplies.  I figured you might need extra cleaners, dusters, sponges, buckets –

Sibling 1: Whoa-whoa-whoa, this is just cleaning, not clean­-ing.

Sibling 2: …I don’t follow.

Sibling 1: Come inside. 

Sibling 2: (Enters as Sibling 1 closes the door behind them, stares at the living  room, and drops the bag) What – ?!  This is the same mess I left you with when you moved in!

Sibling 1: (Chuckles) How unobservant you are.  That was all boxes of old stuff, which were conspicuously absent when you helped me decorate for the holidays in December.  This – (Spreads arms to encompass the room) – is the accumulation of whole new stuff that pretty much all of us fall victim to in this consumerist world.

Sibling 2: Hardly anyone’s living room looks like this!  You even bought an aquarium and don’t have any fish for it!

Sibling 1: It was a deal at a yard sale.

Sibling 2: You’re actually looking around to bring new junk in?!

Sibling 1: You gonna help me Spring Clean it all or what?

Sibling 2: (Sighs and takes off jacket) Yes, but you’re on your own for the actual cleaning that I thought was going to go on today.

Sibling 1: That’s fine; stuff like that’s a once-a-decade project anyway.

 SIX HOURS LATER

Sibling 2: (Stands in the middle of the now-spacious house, hands on hips, satisfactorily surveying the domain) Well, it’s not perfect, but definitely an improvement over the original monstrosity.

Sibling 1: (While eating, hands a slice of pizza on a plate to Sibling 2) Yeah – I can actually walk a straight line through the place now, thanks.

Sibling 2: Just remember to give away some of those clothes in the closet when you change back over to winter – you don’t need that many shirts.  Or pants.  Or Halloween costumes.

Sibling 1: You never know when an emergency sartorial situation may strike.

Sibling 2: Sure.  You got any soda?

Sibling 1: (Thinks while chewing) I believe there’s a can or two.  (Both walk to the kitchen; Sibling 1 opens the refrigerator door and hunts for a can as Sibling 2 stares in horror)

Sibling 2: What – who – where – how did this happen?!

Sibling 1: What, the food?  (Pops the tab and holds out the can)

Sibling 2: The food that’s everywhere!  This fridge was brand new when you moved in, and now it’s covered in stains and crumbs and I-don’t-want-to-know-what-else!

Sibling 1: (Glances casually at the fridge and runs a finger over a sticky shelf) Huh.  Didn’t notice in the day-to-day.  Guess it could use a wipe here and there.

Sibling 2: It could use a power wash!  Don’t you smell all the horrible, horrible odors combining into one giant STENCH?!

Sibling 1: No, but I have a bad sense of smell, you know that.

Sibling 2: (Storms off, grabs the bag of supplies, brings it into the kitchen, drops it onto the floor, pulls on a pair of gloves, and begins taking items out of the refrigerator and dumping them onto the kitchen table) Get some ice coolers if you can find any in that overflowing closet; get some bags of ice if you don’t have any packs in the freezer; and leave me alone for at least an hour!

Sibling 1: (Stares at the activity for a few moments while drinking the soda, then leaves to get the coolers; mutters to self) Doesn’t seem that bad.  If this is what the season’s gonna have every time though, I think I’ll skip spring next year.

Story 360: Moving Into a Haunted Money Pit

             (In a one-story house that has an attic and basement, Homeowner and Sibling stand in the living room surrounded by boxes)

            Homeowner: Whelp, that should be it for now; thanks for all your help with the move.

            Sibling: Sure, I had nothing else going on today – want me to help you unpack `em?

         Homeowner: Nah, can’t face that right now.  Just gonna open as needed.  (Rips open a box marked “KITCHEN SUPPLIES” and holds out a can) Beer?

          Sibling: I’m good.  (Homeowner shrugs, pops the tab, and drinks) So, I’m gonna hit the road now if you don’t need anything else.

            Homeowner: (Between gulps) Thought you had nothing else today?

            Sibling: Exactly: I’d like a nap.

            Homeowner: (Smacks lips and sighs) That sounds wonderful.

            (A loud groaning and creaking come from above; both look up sharply)

            Sibling: Whoa, what was that?

          Homeowner: …The inspector said I’d need to have the central air completely redone; thing’s falling apart.

            Sibling: I don’t think that was it – that sounded like, I dunno, an animal?  Or even – (Lowers voice to a whisper) a human being up there!  (The groans and creaks start again)

            Homeowner: (Looks at the ceiling for a few moments, then back at Sibling) Nah, probably just free air in the pipes.

            Sibling: What?!

            Homeowner: This place is a bit of a fixer-upper, unfortunately, heh-heh-heh.  (Sobs a bit while downing the rest of the beer, then tosses the can into a corner just as a loud BANG is heard overhead)

        Sibling: That’s it, I’m going up there!  Where’s the box with your knives?!  (Homeowner shrugs, reaches into the same open box, and hands over a table knife) That’s it?!  Where’re your carving knives?!

            Homeowner: Don’t have any; you know I don’t chef.

            Sibling: Fine – where’re your attic stairs?  And keep 911 on standby!

            Homeowner: Ugh, you’re being exhausting.  Guess no nap for you today.  (Leads Sibling to the hall closet, turns on a light, and opens the door to the attic stairs) Keep an eye out for the warped spots – there’s termite and water damage all through them, so they might collapse if you step in the wrong place.  (The groans and bangs get louder)

            Sibling: This whole place is gonna collapse in about a minute!  (Carefully runs up the stairs)

         Homeowner: Heh, you’re telling me.  (Starts drinking another beer while muttering to self) “You’d be a fool if you didn’t buy it this cheap,” they said; (BANG) “It’s just a few tweaks here and there, nothing that bad”; “Oh did we forget to mention the leaking roof?”; (BANG-BANG-BANG) “Oh, did we forget to tell you the entire kitchen floor needs to be replaced?”; (BANG-SHAKE) “Oh, did we neglect to disclose that the FOUNDATION IS CRACKED?!”  Caveat emptor, my foot.

            (Sibling runs back down the stairs)

            Sibling: Move out!  Move out now!

            Homeowner: If it’s just bats up there, they can stay – I’ve got bigger things to worry about.

            Sibling: (Turns back while running down the hall) Not bats!  GHOSTS!

            Homeowner: Huh?

            Sibling: This place is haunted!  Move out, now!

            Homeowner: Haunted, wha – ?  You don’t even believe in that stuff!

          Sibling: I do now!  I believe it all!  And you need to get out of here – I’ll help you put all the boxes back on the truck, we have it for another four hours, come on!  (Runs into the living room and grabs a box; Homeowner follows and slaps the box back onto the floor)

            Homeowner: (Coolly) I have spent and now owe more money than I will ever see in my entire life on this place – I am not walking away from all that debt just because you got freaked out over a noisy shadow!

           Sibling: (Raises hands and backs away) Whatever – don’t come crying to me when your soul gets possessed!  (Runs out the front door, hops into the rental truck, and speeds away)

           Homeowner: (Shouts out the front door) Guess this means you’re uninvited to my housewarming party!  (Hears BANG from the attic) If I ever get the furnace working, that is.

 THAT NIGHT

            (Homeowner sets up an air mattress in the empty bedroom, turns off the lone lamp on the floor, and settles in to sleep)

            Homeowner: Ahhh, nighty-night to me in my very own home.  And good night to you too, New Home!

            Ghosts: Good night!

            (Homeowner sits up suddenly and turns on the lamp – no one else is there)

            Homeowner: (Shuts off the lamp and settles back onto the air mattress) I swear, if I find out the previous owners left some stupid recording running in the walls somewhere…. (Falls asleep to a chorus of groans, creaking, and banging)

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (Homeowner is in the bathroom, trying to fix the toilet)

          Homeowner: (On a video chat with Sibling while working in the tank) Well apparently, the former occupants also didn’t see fit to tell me that they’d jerry-rigged this thing with paper clips and flimsy tape, so now everything’s all rusted out!

            Sibling: Is the chain also rusted or is it just the clips?

          Homeowner: (Tries to shake the chain at the phone) The whole thing is rusted, see!  (Shaking chains also resound in the background)

            Sibling: Well, I’d say give your inspector a bad review and call a plumber if you can’t fix it, but first maybe ask if that GHOST behind you can help.

          Homeowner: Huh?  (Turns and sees Ghost 1 rattling chains) Do you mind?!  This is the only freakin’ toilet in the house and if I can’t get it fixed I’m toast, so I really don’t have time for your garbage right now!

            Sibling: Seriously?  You’re actually talking to them?

          Homeowner: This place is practically falling apart around my ears, and these bozos keep popping up thinking they’re the most important thing in my life!  (To Ghost 1) What about the buckling walls, hm?!  What about the mouse infestation?!  What about this UNFLUSHABLE TOILET?!!  (Shakes the chain again)

            Ghost 1: Did you try duct tape yet?

           Homeowner: (Throws a roll of paper towels through disappearing Ghost 1) Not helping, Josiah!

            Sibling: I’ll call you back later, yeah?

            Homeowner: Yeah all right – bye.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (Homeowner is about to sledge hammer one of the buckling walls in the bedroom)

        Ghost 2: (Appears behind Homeowner’s shoulder) That’s a bearing wall.  (Disappears)

        Homeowner: (Squeezes eyes shut in exasperation, then slowly opens them again) Thanks.  (Tosses the sledge hammer to the floor, sits down against the creaking wall, and cracks open a beer while watching the rain out through the window.  On the first sip, a drop of water lands on the moldy carpet)  Huh?  (Homeowner looks up and sees a steady stream of drops now are coming through the ceiling)  Son of a – !  (A BANG is heard as Homeowner runs up the attic stairs; at the top, two ghosts are seen to be bowling)

            Ghost 1: Aw!  Seven-ten split again!

            Ghost 2: (Writing down the score) Want the bumpers?

            Ghost 1: Never!

         Homeowner: Hey-hey-hey!  (Ghosts turn their attention to Homeowner) Would you two, just once, knock off whatever it is guys you do all day long?!

          Ghost 1: This is called “Ninepins.”  Only we added a tenth to keep up with the times.

        Homeowner: (Points to the dripping ceiling) There is a leak in the roof – (Points to the corresponding water-damaged floor) and in this floor, and in the ceiling below, and all the rain’s now coming everywhere in to flood the place!

            Ghost 1: Gee, that’s too bad – you try duct tape yet?

            Ghost 2: Oh yes, I heard that fixes everything now – wish we’d had it when we lived here.

            Ghost 1: Amen to that.  (They high-five each other and resume bowling)

            (Homeowner slowly walks back downstairs, grabs a bucket, sets it under the leak, and sits next to it while drinking the beer until the phone rings)

            Homeowner: (Takes the phone out of a jeans pocket and answers it) Hey.

            Sibling: You still got the collapsing house and the undead roommates hanging out in it?

            Homeowner: (Closes eyes as a BANG shakes the house and splashes more water in the bucket; cheers are heard from the attic) It’s being handled.

            Sibling: Doesn’t sound like it from here.

            Homeowner: Well unless you trained overnight as a construction worker and can fix this place from the underground up, then you have nothing to say on this issue.  (A loud rumbling issues from the kitchen) Oh what now?!  (Homeowner runs to the kitchen while carrying the phone and the beer, and enters just as the oven collapses through the floor to land in the basement)

            Sibling: Whoa!  Are you OK?!  Need me to call somebody?!

            Homeowner: (Staring at the hole in the floor, holds the phone back up to speak) No.  I just need to be alone right now.  (Ends the call and continues to stare as Ghost 2 appears)

           Ghost 2: You know, the last residents really didn’t take good care of this place.  I think you got hoodwinked.  (Disappears)

          Homeowner: Thank you, Hester.  (Sinks to the floor as a new leak appears in the ceiling and rain drips into the hole) Just my luck: finally able to move out on my own, and the only house I can afford is both haunted and a lemon.

Story 303: I Wish I Had Known It Was National Lazy Day

            “Hello everyone, you’re listening to Generic Radio Show, broadcasting live on W@!$ 1234.5, and in case you missed the announcement earlier, today is that greatest of holidays, National Lazy Day!  Yes folks, for one day only, everyone has carte blanche to do absolutely nothing, zip, zilch, nil, nada, niente, and, my personal favorite, bupkis.  Aside from the poor saps who have to work to save lives or care for loved ones or earn a living or whatever, today is also Saturday so the rest of you have the permission of the nebulous ‘They’ out there to lie around and not stir a single muscle for a solid 24 hours!  Unless you have a medical condition where you already have limited-to-zero mobility, in which case, my condolences.  For everyone else, revel in your best impersonation of a lump on a log!  I myself am broadcasting this show lounging on a float in the middle of my in-ground pool, soaking up the rays, watching the gently lapping waves, and being extra, extra careful with the equipment.  So laze on, my people, laze on!  And now, a word from our sponsors.”

            She hauled the vacuum, mop, broom, and bottles and bottles of cleaner from out of the seldom-opened supply closet.  It was a mild summer morning that threatened to evolve into a sweltering summer afternoon, so she started early enough at one end of the house, spraying, wiping, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, and wiping again as she methodically advanced, room by room.

            Air conditioning and fans were turned on by Hour Two, but they could not keep up with her overworked sweat glands so she opened all the windows.  Alas, not a breeze stirred, and the sweat continued to pour.

            In the laundry room by Hour Three, she turned on the radio to distract from her battle with the dust bunnies and long-lost clothing, at last recovered from underneath the washing machine and dryer where they had mischievously hidden themselves untold ages ago.

            “– Day, continuing onward into the afternoon now, so I hope you’re all having a great time doing ab-so-bloomin’-lute-ly noth-”

            “What the blazes is this?!”  Using a clothes hanger, she pulled out what appeared to be a long string of dust-connected clothes from underneath the dryer.  She tried shaking it off into a garbage can, but the dust clung on mightily: “Ew, ew, ewwww!!!”

            By Hour Five, she had reached the last room and vacuumed the carpet nearly off the floor, having to stop twice to empty the dirt canister. 

Finally finished, she slumped into the living room and belly-flopped onto the couch: “That’s the last time I wait two years to clean the house.”

She heard a distant noise and realized she had forgotten to turn off the radio before vacuuming the last room.

“Well folks, that about wraps up this segment of the station’s programming.  I’ve been on the air almost thrice as many hours as I am normally, just to be with you all during this wonderful, fantabulous, majestic day of days.  About two hours ago I moved on from the pool and am now ensconced in my soft, cushy hammock, watching the clouds drifting by, the butterflies fluttering by, the bees buzzing along, the birds eating them all, and the grass growing.  I’m also breathing in the pleasant scent of lavender as a mild breeze wafts this way every so often, breaking up the comforting heat just a bit.  I also-also have a nice cool glass of not-too-sour, not-too-sweet lemonade that I’m going to set down right now, since I feel a nap coming on.  Welp, I see it’s almost 4:00, so this show is over, <yawwwwwnnnn>, I’ll be back on Monday with our regularly scheduled programming, but in the meantime, I hope you all continue to relax with me on this, National Lazy Day.  Bye, bye, bye, <snoooorrrreeee>.”

Her eyes flew open: “WHAT?!”