Story 407: How to Serve a Criticism Sandwich

 (In an office)

Manager: (Enters with Employee and gestures at a chair) Have a seat.  (Sits behind the desk as Employee sits at the other side) So, for your annual performance review, Corporate instructed us to try something different.  (Reaches into a drawer and places a plate with a large sandwich on it in front of Employee) Here.

Employee: …They’re finally giving us free lunches?

Manager: Ahahahahaha – !  No, that’s a Criticism Sandwich.  It’s your performance review.

Employee: I don’t understand – am I supposed to eat this?

Manager: Course not; just read what it says.

Employee: (Gingerly takes the sandwich and reads the top slice of bread) “Always clocks in and out on time.”

Manager: You don’t know what a relief that is, to me and to Payroll.  Much appreciated.

Employee: Thanks.

Manager: (Nods at the sandwich) Go on.

Employee: Oh.  (Takes off the top slice and looks at the meat of the sandwich) “Needs to improve time management – tends to procrastinate on projects.”  (Winces)

Manager: Yeah, don’t appreciate that.

Employee: (Lifts off a slice of meat and continues) “Needs to improve on working in groups.”  (Looks up at Manager) I’m the only other one in our department!

Manager: Exactly.

Employee: (Takes off another slice) “Tends to allow personal life to interfere with work.”  (Looks up at Manager) It was one time!

Manager: You say that every time.  No one on the floor cares when your household appliances break down – we all manage to deal with those without involving the whole world.

Employee: I’m sorry, but it’s very disruptive when it happens!

Manager: And so are you.  Continue.

Employee: (Reaches the bottom slice of bread) “Brightens everyone’s day here.” Gee, thanks!

Manager: Yeah, you’re a real ray of sunshine – no one’s getting raises this year.

Employee: Oh.  Can I eat the sandwich then?

Manager: I wouldn’t.

(At a writing group)

Writer 1: (Reading from latest draft of life’s work to the circle) “ – and as the cannon fire rained down upon the battalion, each and every one of those soldiers knew there would be at least one sentence in a military history monograph dedicated to that very last thought.”  (Looks up at the rest of the group, extremely emotional) “And there was.”  (Takes in the silent stares) …The End.

(Group Leader starts the others in polite clapping)

Group Leader: All right everyone, head on over to the sideboard and craft your Criticism Sandwiches for this latest piece!  (The members slowly trudge over to that table where supplies are spread out) Five minutes this time!  (Mutters) Let’s not be here all night.

Writer 1: What?

Group Leader: What?

(Five minutes later)

Group Leader: All righty!  Who wants to serve their sandwich first?

(The usual delay when no one wants to volunteer; Writer 2 then stands, quickly walks across the circle, and abruptly holds out the sandwich to Writer 1)

Writer 2: Here.  Nothing personal.  (Sits back down)

Writer 1: Of course it’s personal!  I wrote it!

Group Leader: Just accept the sandwich!  (Smiles very broadly) We’re all here to learn.  (Everyone else nods)

Writer 1: (Gingerly looks at the top slice of bread and reads) “Tackling this subject matter was very brave of you” – oh, no!

Group Leader: (Cracks a whip in the air) Keep going!

Writer 2: (Lifts off the bread and reads the top slice of meat) “Too much melodrama” – (Lifts a slice) “Constantly shifting POV gave me mental whiplash” – (Lifts a slice) “For a supposedly nonfiction work, this had an awful lot of creative writing on what you assume real-life people were thinking” – where, exactly, hm?!

Writer 2: That last bit you read today was a prime example.

Group Leader: (Cracks whip again) Continue!

Writer 1: (Lifts a slice) “Could’ve used more graphs and charts” – ?!  I already have over 300!

Writer 2: Now, that there’s a writing technique called “verbal irony,” AKA “sarcasm.”  (Writer 1’s jaw drops)  I see though that it wasn’t conveyed too well in text – that’s one of my flaws that you all are helping me work on here.  (The other group members start another round of polite clapping)

Writer 1: (Grinds teeth loudly at Writer 2)

Group Leader: (Looking at watch) Yes-yes-lovely – have you reached the bottom of the sandwich yet?

Writer 1: I will now.  (Removes a few more slices of meat and reads the bottom slice of bread) “Overall, pretty funny.”  (Looks up at Writer 2) It’s a serious historical tome!

Writer 2: Whoops.

Group Leader: (To Writer 1) OK!  So what’s your takeaway from all this?

Writer 1: (Shakes the sandwich at Group Leader) Apparently, if I go by this, I need to rewrite the whole thing!

Group Leader: But, you also see that you were both brave and funny in your first of many, many drafts!

Writer 1: It’s not supposed to be funny!

Writer 2: Too bad – got a few chuckles outta me.

Group Leader: All right, who’s next to serve their sandwich?

Writer 1: What if I don’t want any more tonight?

Group Leader: Well, you’ll be cheating yourself out of some desperately needed feedback, but we all have the option to disregard any criticism here.

Writer 3: Aw shucks, I’d made mine a triple-decker!

 (In a café)

Partner 1: (After the couple has picked up their coffees and sat at a table) So, I’ve been thinking: we’ve been together for a few years, and I really like you a lot –

Partner 2: Oh good, I’d hoped you might.

Partner 1: – and I want to be with you for a long time; probably not forever, but a long time nonetheless.

Partner 2: Yeah: forever, ugh!  Unspecific “long time” is much better.

Partner 1: Soooo, I got you something.  (Reaches into a bag)

Partner 2: If it’s a ring, it undercuts your previous statement.

Partner 1: Oh no, nothing like that.  (Places a sandwich on a napkin in front of Partner 2)

Partner 2: Uhhh, thanks, but we’re going out to diner later and I don’t want to fill up.

Partner 1: It’s not for eating, it’s –

Barista: (Passing by while cleaning tables) Can’t have outside food here.

Partner 1: Oh no, it’s just a Criticism Sandwich.

Partner 2: (Gasps and widens eyes) It starts!

Barista: Ah.  Good luck with that.  (Moves along)

Partner 2: (Staring alternately at Partner 1 and the sandwich) Wha – I – how – I thought everything was going so well!

Partner 1: It is, but there’re always opportunities for improvement.  (Nods at the sandwich) Go ahead.

Partner 2: (Gulps, then reads the top slice of bread) “I love you with all of my heart.”  Aw, hon!

Partner 1: (Wipes away a small tear) Keep going, sweetie.

Partner 2: (Lifts off the bread and reads the top slice of vegetable) “You really need to clean up after yourself more.”  Is this about the laundry I left on the floor the other day?

Partner 1: It’s about the laundry you leave on the floor every day, yes – keep going.

Partner 2: (Lifts up the vegetable and reads a slice of meat) “You tend to ‘forget’ when it’s your turn to make dinner” – but “forget” is in quotes?

Partner 1: That was intentional – continue.

Partner 2: (Lifts up slice of meat) “That shade of hair dye doesn’t flatter you at all.”  (Looks up with a cocked eyebrow) Seriously?

Partner 1: All right, that one’s petty – skip to the next.

Partner 2: (Reaches the bottom slice of bread) “You are such a giving person and I’m lucky to have you in my life” – awwwwwwwww, honnnnnnnn!!!!!

Partner 1: (More tears threaten to spill) And I mean every word of that whole thing!

(They hold hands lovingly across the table)

Partner 2: You know, I’m now going to have to serve you a ginormous Criticism Sandwich of my own –

Partner 1: BRING IT ON, BABY!

Story 331: I Never Win Anything

            (At a bridal shower)

           Friend 1: (Checking watch) Shoot – there’s probably another hour-and-a-half for this thing, and I’d promised my cousin I’d go watch him play kiddie soccer at 5, so now I’m probably only going to catch the very end when they either all run into each other or score 10 goals for both teams.

           Friend 2: (Forkful of salad frozen in mid-air) The end-time for this was listed on the invitation.

            Friend 1: Who pays attention to that?!  Oh well, might as well stick around for the centerpiece giveaway, although I never win anything so what’s the point even?

            Friend 2: Oh come on, I’m sure you’ve won something in your life.

            Friend 1: I’m conveniently not remembering any of those instances at this moment.

AN HOUR-AND-A-HALF LATER

            Friend 1: (Checking watch and starting to stand) OK, now I really have to go – no more food’s gonna be coming, the staff’s getting antsy to clean up, and the bride-to-be doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall so I doubt she’ll even notice me leaving.

            Friend 2: (Looking at the other end of the room and waving a hand at Friend 1) Hold on, they’re doing the centerpiece giveaway now.

              Friend 1: (Sits back down) All right, you all get one more minute outta me.

             Matron of Honor: OK, everyone – if you have a ticket taped to the bottom of your seat, you get to take home the centerpiece, yay!

             Guest: What if the one at our table already left and the chair’s empty?

             Matron of Honor: Then duel over it – I don’t care, I’m done.  (Collapses at a table and downs a cup of coffee)

          Friend 1: (Checks under seat and freezes).  Oh.  (Pulls out a ticket that was taped there)  What’s all this?

            Friend 2: Yippee, you won!  Your streak is ended.

            Friend 1: (Gingerly takes the centerpiece and stares at it) My streak is ended.  But I never win anything.

            Friend 2: And now you have.  So be happy about it.

            Friend 1: (Still speaking to the centerpiece) Can’t: I have a strange sense of foreboding about the whole thing.

            Friend 2: Oh here we go.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At an office, Friend 1 is seated at a desk and speaking on a phone)

            Friend 1: Are you kidding me?!  How many times do I have to send out the same thing until it gets done?!  Does no one here read, or did they all just swear an oath to ignore me?!

            Coworker: (Quickly approaches the desk while pushing a cart) Hey – bad time?

            Friend 1: (To Coworker) Always!  (To the phone) I’m hanging up on you now – I just wanted you to know that it’s purely intentional.  (Presses the receiver, then slams down the handset)  So, what can I do for you, that I may or may not decide to do?

           Coworker: (Pulls a giant gift basket out of the cart and drops it onto the desk) You won the raffle today.

            Friend 1: (Stares at the gift basket) But I just entered that to donate to heart health – I wasn’t actually going to win, I never win anything!

             Coworker: Um, sorry, then?  Anyway, congrats, bye.  (Wheels cart away double-time)

             Friend 1: (Still speaking to the gift basket) What am I going to do with this monstrosity?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At home)

Friend 1: (Answers the phone) Mmm-yell-oh?

          Caller: Connnnn-gratulations!  You have won two tickets to an all-expense paid trip to the Caribbean –

            Friend 1: Now that’s just a filthy lie.  (Disconnects)

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At a café)

            Friend 2: …so I told him, “Listen, I don’t remember the job description mentioning that I’d be enlisting in the military or working on-call for the Emergency Department, so I fail to see why I should work nights and/or weekends in addition to a full-time shift when what we do has no direct impact on anyone’s health or safety.”  Was that too rude, you think?

            Friend 1: Not rude enough, in my opinion.  (Checks phone when alert sounds) Oh.  I just won the lottery.

            Friend 2: Awesome!  How much?

            Friend 1: …The jackpot.

            Friend 2: You’re joking.

          Friend 1: Unless there’s an inconvenient glitch, my numbers match their numbers.  All their numbers.

            Friend 2: Wow.  That jackpot was disgustingly huge.  You probably can retire!

            Friend 1: Not likely – I’ll be lucky if I see a quarter of that amount in the end.

            Friend 2: Oh, right.  But still, you won, yay!  You’ve been on quite the new streak lately.

            Friend 1: Hm.  I don’t trust this chain of events.

ONE WEEK LATER

            (At home)

            Friend 2: (On the phone) So, how’s the rich life going?

          Friend 1: Too many taxes and previously unknown relatives.  Really digging the wiped-out debts, though.

            Friend 2: Well, I’m really happy for you.

           Friend 1: (Sound of tearing paper can be heard) Thanks; I’m sure it’ll have more pros than cons in the long run.  Maybe we can take a random trip to Alaska or something, I don’t know.

            Friend 2: Cool – I always wanted to see a place that’s in almost-24-hour darkness.

            Friend 1: Aw, nuts!

            Friend 2: Eh?

           Friend 1: I’m going through my mail and just got a notice about that contest I entered last year.

            Friend 2: I’m guessing from your tone that means you lost.

           Friend 1: Darn tootin’ I lost!  I was really looking forward to this one, too – I tell ya, I never win anything!

Story 314: I Voted, So I Can Complain

            (In a café)

            Friend 2: (Scrolling through phone) Oooh, the results are in!

            Friend 1: (Eating a muffin) Rah-ults uh wha?

           Friend 2: Don’t be gross – the township election results, what else would be going on right now?

           Friend 1: Sorry, thought we were up to Oscar season already.  So, which crooks are in office now?

             Friend 2: Ha-ha, at least most of them try to do some good.

            Friend 1: Of course they do.  Until the reality of entrenched corruption slaps them in the face and they’re forced to either join up with the villains or die, politically speaking.  Still, we usually get some paved roads and a new playground for the kiddies out of it, so there’s that.

            Friend 2: Whatever; I voted across parties this time and even wrote in a few names, so if they actually all get elected it’ll be interesting to see if anything gets done.  Although, since I did vote, I now have carte blanche to complain when nothing does.

           Friend 1: Really?  I hated all the choices this time around so I didn’t bother voting, but now you’re saying I’m not allowed to complain about it?

            Friend 2: (Stares) You?  Didn’t?  Vote?

            Friend 1: Facts.

            Friend 2: Why not?

            Friend 1: I counter that with “Why?”

          Friend 2: Be-be-because it’s the cornerstone of Democracy, and our ancestors fought for the right to have a say in how our government is run, and you’re just completely disregarding it like it was nothing!

          Friend 1: They fought for the right to have someone else do whatever they feel like when they’re in office, while we get stuck with “Bad” and “Worse” for at least four years or until the next puppet comes along.

            Friend 2: But how can you complain now when you didn’t even vote?

            Friend 1: Very easily: I complain all the time.

         Friend 2: But you willfully chose to have no say!  (Holds up the phone to show the election results) Of the two of us, I should be the only one allowed to complain that we’re stuck with Mayor McDouche, again!

            Friend 1: Ugh, what losers voted her in?

            Friend 2: Well, she may not’ve been if you had voted at all!

          Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) Nah, I might’ve selected her name by accident on the machine `cause it’s familiar.  Those things don’t let you go back and change your vote, even before you hit “Submit,” have you ever noticed that?

         Friend 2: I still can’t believe you of all people did not vote, and then have the unmitigated gall to complain about who was elected.  Only I have that right, do you hear me?!

            Friend 1: Calm down – it’s not against the law to not vote, and I can complain all I want about my fellows.  It’s my American right.

          Friend 2: You keep telling yourself that: if every citizen were like you, when it’s the Senate race next year you might find yourself out of office because no one bothered to show up at the polls!

            Friend 1: Nonsense – if no one voted then I’d just keep my seat forever until someone actually did.  Although, I probably would need to at least vote for myself, but I always feel like that’s a sign of vanity.