Story 537: The Ultimate Thrill Ride

             (At an extremely large outdoor amusement park)

Sibling 1: (After purchasing admission and putting on a wristband while handing another over to Sibling 2) I can’t believe how prices just keep going up and up and up from when we went here as kids!  At this rate, inflation’ll never end!

Sibling 2: I can’t believe you make the same observation every time you buy something lately.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Do I?

Sibling 2: Yes.  I wouldn’t have mentioned it, but I just know you’d say it again when we get something to eat and when we go to the arcade and when we do pretty much anything else here, so I decided to head you off at the pass and save myself the aggravation of having to hear it.

Sibling 1: (Mildly miffed) Wow.  I had no idea – is there anything else I do that irritates you while we’re on the subject?

Sibling 2: Well, now that you bring it up –

Sibling 1: Forget it: right now I wanna go on the swings and have a good time, and by gum, I’m gonna!  (Runs to that ride’s line)

Sibling 2: (Strolls after) Sure – no one’s stopping you.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Sibling 1: (As both make their fifth circuit through the amusement park) I think we hit all the highlights we wanted, right?  I still can’t get over how amazingly short the lines are!

Sibling 2: Yep: can’t beat going here on a Thursday in September.

Sibling 1: So, wanna do any repeats before we head back home and collapse in satisfied exhaustion?

Sibling 2: (Looks around) Well… not a repeat, but I’ve always had my eye on that one.  (Points to a space shuttle launchpad)

Sibling 1: (Laughs) Heh, yeah, OK.  (Looks back at Sibling 2) …You’re serious?

Sibling 2: Of course.  Why not?

Sibling 1: Because!  That’s the Rocket Ship Space Launcher – and it’s not hyperbole: it literally launches you into OUTER SPACE!

Sibling 2: Yeah?

Sibling 1: (Huffs in disbelief) I know you’re a daredevil, but even you have to admit that’s taking “thrill seeking” a bit too far!  I’m shocked it’s still in operation – last I heard, a group of riders got stuck in orbit and no one’s heard from them since!

Sibling 2: That’s an urban legend: they touched down in Antarctica a day later.

Sibling 1: WHAT?!

Sibling 2: Everybody was fine – eventually – I don’t see what the big deal is.

Sibling 1: Unbelievable.

Sibling 2: Well, I’m going on it; it you’re too much of a coward to join me, I’ll see you from the Moon, then.  (Starts walking toward the ride)

Sibling 1: (Grabs Sibling 2’s arm) Hold on: you realize this might be a little too much for you to handle, right?

Sibling 2: (As Sibling 1 lets go) Are you joking?  Don’t you remember the time I rode the Colossal Cavernous Cretinous Coaster?

Sibling 1: You must’ve been with your buddies on that trip – I’ve never even heard of it!

Sibling 2: (Chuckles while staring off in reminiscence) Few have, for only those deemed worthy in mind, body, and spirit are allowed to even learn of its existence, let alone ride it.

Sibling 1: …For real?

Sibling 2: (Still staring into the distance) It was a thing of beauty: 40 loops; 360° spins every five seconds; more than 80% of the ride is spent upside-down; the cars were reversed at least four times on the tracks; and our bodies completely broke free from gravity’s greedy grasp for a solid minute.  I’ve never experienced anything so transcendent in my entire life, and I doubt I ever will again.

Sibling 1: Oh, please.

Sibling 2: (Turns back to Sibling 1 and points at the launchpad) This one might run a close second though, and I think you should experience something that monumentally profound at least once in your life, too.

Sibling 1: I don’t get why I should: I already went on the Suborbital Slingshot with you today, against my better judgement.

Sibling 2: And you didn’t regret it, right?

Sibling 1: Mildly!  My stomach is still up in the clouds somewhere!

Sibling 2: So you won’t miss it when we go on this one – maybe you’ll get it back on the way down!

Sibling 1: (Sighs in defeat) You owe me.

Sibling 2: (Loops an arm around Sibling 1’s shoulders to lead them both to the ride) What for?  It’s not like I need a guardian or something to go on the ride.  If anything, you’ll owe me for the awesome experience you’re about to have.

(Since there is no line, the Ride Operator leaning against the control panel wakes up and straps Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 into their seats, placing spacesuit helmets over their heads and hooking them up to oxygen tanks)

Ride Operator: (Goes back to the control panel and grabs a loudspeaker) OK, keep all limbs immobile at all times; keep breathing no matter what; and if anything goes wrong, hit the red button on your seat.

Sibling 1: (Through the helmet’s microphone as Ride Operator completes the final pre-flight checks) And how are we supposed to hit the red button if our limbs are immobile at all times?!  (To Sibling 2)  The instructions need a little workshopping, it seems.

Sibling 2: (Bouncing lightly in the seat) Yeah, I wanna get off.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, yeah.  (Turns to Sibling 2 and sees that the latter’s face is extremely pale) Are you kidding?

Sibling 2: (Shakes head slowly back and forth) Nope.

Sibling 1: I don’t believe it – how is this any different from the Colossal Whatever-Whatever Coaster?!

Sibling 2: (Barks out a laugh) That was a baby ride – they had to wake me up when it was over so I would get out.  This?!  Is off the map!

Sibling 1: (Yells over the sound of a massive exhaust release from the ride’s engines) You’re the one who talked me into riding this thing, and now you wanna bail?!  You are not leaving!

Sibling 2: (Squeezes eyes shut as the ride begins to vibrate violently) I regret everything I’ve ever done in my life!

Sibling 1: AND I HATE YOUUUUUU – (Ride launches into space) UUUUUUUU…!!!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 scream as they exit Earth’s atmosphere; the capsule reaches escape velocity, then hovers in semi-orbit above the planet)

Sibling 1: (As they gaze out into the vastness of space) Wow.  Talk about transcendent.

Sibling 2: …Is that Mars?

Sibling 1: I think so.

Sibling 2: Wow. Makes everything planet-side seem rather insignificant and pointless, huh.

Sibling 1: I’ll say.  I’m starting to question the meaning of my whole existence right now.

Sibling 2: Same.

(A spaceship flies up to them and a voice beams into their helmets)

Voice: Earth Creatures: Return to your doomed planet and cease your pollution of the rest of the universe!  This is your final warning!

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: What in the –

(They scream again as the ride begins to free fall and re-enter Earth’s atmosphere)

Sibling 1: (Sees that both of their seats’ red buttons have started flashing) What does that mean?!

Sibling 2: Guess there’s an emergency!  It’s getting a little hot in here, so I think it’s a distinct possibility we may be burning up on re-entry!

Sibling 1: For the love of – so do we both have to hit a button, or does just one of us have to hit a button?!

Sibling 2: I dunno!  (Tries wriggling a thumb to the nearest button) I can’t reach it – what about you?!

Sibling 1: Maybe!  (Reaches thumb to the nearest button) Yeah, I think so!

Sibling 2: At least one of us’ll make it, then!  I would never have forgiven myself if it was me!

Sibling 1: Don’t be so dramatic!  I’m gonna hit it now!

Sibling 2: Go ahead!  And farewell!

Sibling 1: Oh, shut it!  (Hits the button; the ride along with Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 disappear from the sky and reappear back where they started on the launchpad)

Sibling 2: (Frozen in place, along with Sibling 1) Did we just get… beamed up?!

Sibling 1: …I think we technically got beamed down.

(Ride Operator runs over to them, takes off their helmets, and releases their restraints)

Ride Operator: Are you two OK?!

Sibling 1: (Slowly stands) Yeah?  We survived, I think.

Ride Operator: (After helping Sibling 2 stand) Awesome; I forgot before you boarded the ride: could you sign these forms, please?  (Hands over two computer tablets) You can just put your thumbprint on them at this point.

Sibling 1: (As both discombobulatedly do so) Sure, what are we signing?

Ride Operator: Only that you won’t sue the amusement park, the ride manufacturer, and/or me, and that you will never speak a word to anyone else regarding what you saw, heard, smelt, tasted, and/or touched while on the ride or all those parties mentioned will sue you, thanks-bye!  (Gently shoves them through the line gate, slams it shut behind them, and shuts down the ride completely, tossing up a sign that reads “Temporarily Closed for Maintenance”)

Sibling 2: (As both stumble down the steps back to solid ground, holding onto each other for support) That… was amazing.

Sibling 1: Now that we’ve safely landed back on Planet Earth, I actually have to agree.  (They eventually start walking more steadily and stop leaning on each other) Sorry I said I hate you.

Sibling 2: That’s OK; sorry I almost abandoned you at the last minute.

Sibling 1: That’s OK.  (They stop and look around at the crowds of families and friends obliviously going about their day, then simultaneously look up at the twilight sky) You think our lives are forever changed after experiencing something like that?

Sibling 2: I do indeed.  One doesn’t touch the stars and remain the same afterward.

Sibling 1: Huh.  (They look back at each other) So now what do we do with ourselves, knowing what we know?

Sibling 2: Hmmm…. (Looks off in thought for a few moments, then back at Sibling 1) Get some ice cream?

Sibling 1: Sweet.

Story 534: Easter Washout

            Friend 1: (Answers phone) Hi, what’s up?

Friend 2: (On phone) Not much – just wanted to wish you and your family a Happy Easter!

Friend 1: Aw, thanks!  Normally I’d wish you and your family a Happy Passover at the same time, but apparently the lunar cycles went rogue and we’re not holiday buddies this year.

Friend 2: Oh well, it happens.  So, you still heading out to your cousins’ house for dinner today?

Friend 1: But of course: as long as I never have to host any of these things, I’m happy.

Friend 2: It’s just that all the rain we’ve had this week’s overflowed the creeks and rivers and swamps and there’s flooding everywhere.

Friend 1: Oh.  Right.  The rain.  How I loathe it.

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s been a bit of a drag lately – I know we’re coming up on “April showers bring May flowers,” but this is ridiculous.

Friend1: What May flowers?!  It’s been raining nonstop since September so all the flowers who eventually appear will drown!

Friend 2: It hasn’t been that bad –

Friend 1: It has too been that bad!  I didn’t realize this part of the country had transformed into Seattle sometime in the last 10 years, yet here we are!  I was shocked that one day in February we actually had snow when it was zip in that department for a straight 23 months!

Friend 2: Great, no frost; the flowers should be fine, then.

Friend 1: No, no!  This half of the Earth didn’t properly hibernate and reset, so when it’s time for flowers to bloom there’ll be bupkis instead!  The constant deluge will wash all the seeds away, and whatever managed to hang on will wait until July when it’s finally dry enough to emerge, then poke their heads out of the ground for two seconds just in time to shrivel up and die because it now over 100°F in the shade!

Friend 2: It’s not that terrible – I still see plenty of flowers out in the spring.

Friend 1: What spring?!  We get cold rain and warm rain, and that’s it!  And today’s Easter, the holiday of renewal and rebirth, and all I see are no flowers, and sheets and sheets of polluted water!

Friend 2: Well, maybe next week’ll be better since it’ll be the start of April.

Friend 1: The Earth doesn’t know that it’s April next week!  All it knows is it’s got a fever that it’s trying and failing to sweat out!

Friend 2: OK, anyway, you have a Happy Easter regardless of having to row to your family dinner – I’m hanging up now.

Friend 1: Thanks.  If my cousins’ house is now surrounded by a moat though, I am turning around and rowing back home, I don’t care how much chocolate the Easter Bunny has waiting for me.

Friend 2: Wow.  Situation must be worse than I thought.

Friend 1: You have no idea.

Story 500: Anniversaries

“I just realized: today’s my five-year work anniversary.”

“Really?  You’ve been here that long already?”

“I know, right?  It feels like I started last week, and then whoosh!  Five years flew past my face.”

“I actually didn’t think you’d make it past that first week.”

“Thanks.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Hey, babe?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“Since it’s our 10-year anniversary this year, I think we should do something really special to celebrate, like a trip across the state line, or jumping out of a launching space shuttle, you know?”

“Definitely!  Gotta commemorate the first 10 years of our life sentence, am-I-right?  Heh-heh-heh!”

“Hee-hee, that joke just gets funnier every year!”

“…OK, I’ll stop.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I can’t believe it!”

“Can’t believe what?”

“Today is my 50^th birthday!  Five-zero!  When did that happen?!”

“Today?”

“No, I mean, how did 50 entire anniversaries of my birth go by, and I manage to do absolutely nothing with my life?!”

“Well, I wouldn’t say absolutely nothing – ”

“Don’t patronize me!  Fifty whole years of mediocrity and inertia!  It makes one want to cry out, ‘What is the point of meeeeee????!!!!’”

“Usually I’d be crying that out right along with you, Captain, but ‘Dinner With the Passengers Night’ starts in about 10 minutes and if you keeping going on like this the cruise line might say you’re dampening the party-ship spirit.”

“Oh all right; I’ll pick up this up again when we get back here after dessert.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Wow, that’s amazing.”

“What is?”

“It says here that this statue was erected exactly 100 years ago… today!  What are the odds?”

“Astronomical.  So this statue’s a century old, huh?”

“Yeah; can’t you just feel the age seeping off of it?  The history?  The artistry?”

“Hmmm… doesn’t look at all like the person it’s supposed to, though.”

“I didn’t want to mention it.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“We made it!  Arrived exactly on the day this magnificent tree turns 500 years old!”’

“Wow.  Happy 500^th Birthday, Tree!”

Thank you.

“Who said that?!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“And so, we commemorate the 1,000-year anniversary of the Battle of Hastings, marking the beginning of the current English monarchy, and indeed the British Empire as we know it today, except the Empire is basically back to just the one island again, and the monarchy are mainly figureheads, and the debate on whether the system should stick around or be dissolved completely goes on, but still: 1,000 years, ba-by!  Top that!”

“The Kush Empire lasted over 1,400 years.”

“…Great for them!”

“The Assyrian Empire also lasted over 1,400 – ”

“You from the U.S.?”

“Yeah?”

“Call me when you’ve collectively lasted a few hundred years more, m’kay?”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I just realized: the Earth’s having its 4.55 billionth birthday this year!  Plus or minus 50 million years.”

“Well, technically, the Earth wasn’t born from anything, so it can’t have a birthday.”

“Yeah it was: it was born from the planetary nebula that made the Sun and all the other stuff in our solar system.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Whatever; an anniversary of its existence, then?”

“Sure.”

“OK: the Earth is having its 4.55-Billionth-Plus-or-Minus-50-Million-Years Anniversary this year!”

“Wow.  Makes you realize the true vastness of the universe, and how miniscule and insignificant we really are.”

“Yeah…. What anniversary gift would that year be, you think?”

“I dunno.  Maybe a supernova?”

“Sweet.”

Story 460: Extending Summer Forever

(On a park trail)

Friend 1: I’m mad.

Friend 2: Oh dear, what now?

Friend 1: Whaddya mean, “What now?”  I don’t complain a lot.

Friend 2: Ha!

Friend 1: OK, you got me – I complain all the time.

Friend 2: That you do.  So: what now?

Friend 1: (Sighs and gestures at the beauty of nature around them) This.  (Gestures at the two of them) I mean, look at us!

Friend 2: (Looks down without breaking stride) Has something happened that I’m not aware of?

Friend 1: Apparently – we’re wearing long sleeves and long pants, and I can’t stand it!

Friend 2: …Whyyyyy???

Friend 1: Because only two weeks ago we were wearing short sleeves and short pants!  And complaining how hot it was and that we were out here melting!

Friend 2: You certainly were.

Friend 1: That’s beside the point: just because our made-up calendar no longer states “August,” Nature gets it into her head to flip a switch and shut down production!

Friend 2: Other way around, you know: the calendar was made up to reflect the flipping switches of Nature.

Friend 1: Still – two weeks!  And we suddenly have to bundle up in our woolies and watch in helpless horror as all these glorious leaves wither up in beautiful colors and collectively leap to their demise!

Friend 2: (Looks around) Been taking longer and longer to do that each year lately, you notice that?

Friend 1: That’s an unrelated catastrophe; my rant involves the fact that it took forever for us to get to summer, and now, oh well, inexorable march of time marches on, here’s fall all y’all, like it or lump it, and I’m sick of lumping it!

Friend 2: You could always just like it.

Friend 1: Bah!

Friend 2: OK.

Friend 1: I still want to go to the beach!  I still want to have ice cream!  I still want the thrill of the boardwalk!

Friend 2: You still can, you know – those things are around all year long.

Friend 1: Yeah, but not with lifeguards!  Or college-kid-staffed parlors!  Or fireworks!  Or super-long-lines everywhere!

Friend 2: You’re right: some of those’re better this time of year.

Friend 1: You’re no help at all.  It’s also getting too night out too early now.

Friend 2: That, I agree with: I miss sunset being around 9:00 in the evening; now it’s just getting gloomy.

Friend 1: Exactly!  And soon enough, sunset’ll be at 4:30!

Friend 2: Well, by then it’ll be winter so we’ll be hibernating anyway.

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about winter!  I’m not done slandering autumn yet!

Friend 2: Then by all means, continue.

Friend 1: I’ll switch gears instead: summer means the smell of chlorine, and swimming in tidal waves under teenage supervision, and outdoor concerts, and outdoor dining, and staying up all night long without thought of any consequences, and parties with your friends, and vacation all day long even if you’re not going anywhere, and carefree biking through the neighborhood streets, and living just for the endless day, and, and….

Friend 2: And feeling like a kid again?

Friend 1: (Slows to a stop; Friend 2 does likewise) Is that what this is?

Friend 2: A bit, at least for you – sounds like it’s the one season you can time travel back to when you were happier.

Friend 1: I’m happy now!

Friend 2: I said “happier.”

Friend 1: Oh.  I guess.  Point is, I want it to be summer forever.

Friend 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Well, it can’t: the planet has to continue tilting on its axis back and forth as it orbits the Sun; flora and fauna have evolved to match the seasonal changes throughout the world; and you’ll feel better about everything if you just accept that instead of mentally fighting it all the time.

Friend 1: I guess.  Unless….

Friend 2: What could possibly follow that?

Friend 1: Unless I figure out a way to stop the Earth tilting on its axis and straighten out its elliptical orbit so it’s optimal summer for our part of the world all year, every year, forever and ever, and –

Friend 2: And that’s a supervillain origin story if I ever heard one, you realize that?

Friend 1: Only if I fail!

Friend 2: You can be really bonkers sometimes, I have to say.

Friend 1: (Hastily brushes off several fallen leaves) Maybe, but it’s all in good fun.