Story 304: Best Summer Ever/Worst Summer Ever

Friend 1: (On phone) Guess what?

Friend 2: I would never be able to in a million years.

Friend 1: Well anyway, my manager just told me to take a whole bunch of days off this summer `cause I have too many vacation hours built up and I’d better use `em or lose `em so, yeah.  This’ll be great: now I can finally shop on non-crowded days, and go to amusement parks with a bit shorter lines and slightly cheaper prices, and hang out at beaches where I’ll almost have room to lay out all my stuff, and I can’t wait, this summer’ll be AWESOME!

Friend 2: Wow, that is… great.

Friend 1: See if you can take a few days off too, so we can hang out on a few non-weekend days like we’re playing hooky!

Friend 2: I… can’t really: three people in my department simultaneously quit this week and now I have to work overtime every day for the foreseeable future.  Possibly forever, because I doubt they’ll hire anybody to replace them.  You actually may not see me for a while.

Friend 1: …Oh.  Well, let me know whenever you’re free, bye!  (Disconnects call)

Friend 2: [Slightly disgusted sigh]

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            Friend 1: (On phone) Mm-yell-oh?

            Friend 2: Just checking in on the real world – you still have off a few more days this summer?

            Friend 1: Oh yes: actually right now I’m lounging poolside on a cruise to… somewhere; I lost track of where we’re at today.

            Friend 2: Oh.  When did you leave?

            Friend 1: Umm, let’s see, was it Monday?  No, that’s not right – Saturday?  I don’t even know what day it is anymore, isn’t that funny, heh-heh-heh?

            Friend 2: It’s Tuesday.

           Friend 1: Tuesday!  Yes, exactly!  Now I remember; I think there’s a midnight buffet coming up later.

            Friend 2: (Through grinding teeth) So when did you leave?

            Friend 1: Oh right – I think it was Friday.  Does it really matter?

            Friend 2: Apparently not.

          Friend 1: Ooh, they just announced the limbo contest’s up here soon, gotta wrap this up – how’s everything with you?

            Friend 2: I have to go to a wake tonight and funeral tomorrow.

            Friend 1: Oh no!  Anyone I know?

            Friend 2: My great-aunt; you never met her.

           Friend 1: Oh good.  I mean, sorry, I feel bad, I meant good I didn’t know her, I mean, you know I’m terrible with tragedy, I mean, sorry to you all, I mean –

            Crowd in the Background: Limbo!

            Friend 2: I’ll let you go – bye.

            Friend 1: Thanks, bye, have a good week!  Oops, sorry, I mean –

            Friend 2: (Disconnects call)

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            Friend 2: (On phone, in a hushed voice) Hello?

            Friend 1: Hey, you wanna meet me in Paris this week?

          Friend 2: What?  No, I – I’m working two-and-a-half people’s jobs, I’m in the middle of a neverending meeting right now, I can’t take any time off, what are you thinking?!

          Friend 1: Well, I’m in Paris at the moment, so if anything changes I’ll meet you at Charles de Gaulle Airport – just send me your arrival time and gate number before you land, m’kay?

            Friend 2: What – how – who –

           Friend 1: Oh, and make sure your passport’s not expiring in less than six months or else you might get stuck here – don’t know why six months, I’d almost understand if it was one month –

            Friend 2: What – when –

          Friend 1: Oh, and we should make time to tour the châteaux in the Loire Valley – but definitely the bulk of the stay’ll be in Paris.  You’re six hours behind us, so you should get here in time for dinner then, right?

            Friend 2: [Makes choking sounds]

            Friend 1: Don’t worry, they eat later here.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            Friend 2: (Waking up exhausted to answer the phone) Hello?

           Friend 1: So I’m in śavāsana at the end of my sunrise yoga session right now, which reminds me that I’m also doing absolutely nothing for the rest of today – want to come over and just lie on the floor with your arms and legs splayed out for hours?  We can have the ceiling fan going on overhead to have something to focus on.  (Hears dial tone) You still there?

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

           Friend 2: (Trapped in traffic, sees Friend 1’s number appear on phone) For the love of – (Bangs hands-free phone button in the car to answer) Yes – what?

            Friend 1: So my application to join the human expedition to Mars just got approved – wanna meet me in the space center this week and watch my microgravity training?

            Friend 2: What?!  Are you kidding me?!

            Friend 1: No – they accelerated the program so training got bumped up to this week.

          Friend 2: Well, good for you!  I’m on my way to another 16-hour workday before heading back in bumper-to-bumper traffic so I can move my stuff out of the apartment because the whole building got evicted!

            Friend 1: Really?  When did that happen?

           Friend 2: When you were in France, or the beach, or the Moon, I don’t know!  And now I have to live with my cousin who is a disgusting mess and another hour away from my job, so that’s even less sleep for me and more time driving, and I should have just said I’ll live in my car `cause I’ll pretty much be doing that now, and arrrggghhhh!!!!

         Friend 1: …So wanna meet me in the diner for ice cream when you get out of work at midnight?

            Friend 2: Yeah, all right.

Story 303: I Wish I Had Known It Was National Lazy Day

            “Hello everyone, you’re listening to Generic Radio Show, broadcasting live on W@!$ 1234.5, and in case you missed the announcement earlier, today is that greatest of holidays, National Lazy Day!  Yes folks, for one day only, everyone has carte blanche to do absolutely nothing, zip, zilch, nil, nada, niente, and, my personal favorite, bupkis.  Aside from the poor saps who have to work to save lives or care for loved ones or earn a living or whatever, today is also Saturday so the rest of you have the permission of the nebulous ‘They’ out there to lie around and not stir a single muscle for a solid 24 hours!  Unless you have a medical condition where you already have limited-to-zero mobility, in which case, my condolences.  For everyone else, revel in your best impersonation of a lump on a log!  I myself am broadcasting this show lounging on a float in the middle of my in-ground pool, soaking up the rays, watching the gently lapping waves, and being extra, extra careful with the equipment.  So laze on, my people, laze on!  And now, a word from our sponsors.”

            She hauled the vacuum, mop, broom, and bottles and bottles of cleaner from out of the seldom-opened supply closet.  It was a mild summer morning that threatened to evolve into a sweltering summer afternoon, so she started early enough at one end of the house, spraying, wiping, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, and wiping again as she methodically advanced, room by room.

            Air conditioning and fans were turned on by Hour Two, but they could not keep up with her overworked sweat glands so she opened all the windows.  Alas, not a breeze stirred, and the sweat continued to pour.

            In the laundry room by Hour Three, she turned on the radio to distract from her battle with the dust bunnies and long-lost clothing, at last recovered from underneath the washing machine and dryer where they had mischievously hidden themselves untold ages ago.

            “– Day, continuing onward into the afternoon now, so I hope you’re all having a great time doing ab-so-bloomin’-lute-ly noth-”

            “What the blazes is this?!”  Using a clothes hanger, she pulled out what appeared to be a long string of dust-connected clothes from underneath the dryer.  She tried shaking it off into a garbage can, but the dust clung on mightily: “Ew, ew, ewwww!!!”

            By Hour Five, she had reached the last room and vacuumed the carpet nearly off the floor, having to stop twice to empty the dirt canister. 

Finally finished, she slumped into the living room and belly-flopped onto the couch: “That’s the last time I wait two years to clean the house.”

She heard a distant noise and realized she had forgotten to turn off the radio before vacuuming the last room.

“Well folks, that about wraps up this segment of the station’s programming.  I’ve been on the air almost thrice as many hours as I am normally, just to be with you all during this wonderful, fantabulous, majestic day of days.  About two hours ago I moved on from the pool and am now ensconced in my soft, cushy hammock, watching the clouds drifting by, the butterflies fluttering by, the bees buzzing along, the birds eating them all, and the grass growing.  I’m also breathing in the pleasant scent of lavender as a mild breeze wafts this way every so often, breaking up the comforting heat just a bit.  I also-also have a nice cool glass of not-too-sour, not-too-sweet lemonade that I’m going to set down right now, since I feel a nap coming on.  Welp, I see it’s almost 4:00, so this show is over, <yawwwwwnnnn>, I’ll be back on Monday with our regularly scheduled programming, but in the meantime, I hope you all continue to relax with me on this, National Lazy Day.  Bye, bye, bye, <snoooorrrreeee>.”

Her eyes flew open: “WHAT?!”

Story 302: Where Are All the Hauntings?

            Friend 2: (Answering phone) What’s up?

            Friend 1: You doing anything this Labor Day weekend?

            Friend 2: Yeah, I gotta work.

         Friend 1: Oh, the irony.  This might actually work out cheaper, then – you free any other weekend in September?

            Friend 2: Probably all of them, why?

          Friend 1: I think it’s time we finally went down to ---- --- and see all the ghosts that supposedly infest the place for ourselves.

            Friend 2: This again?  You know I don’t believe that stuff’s real.

          Friend 1: Then how do you explain all of the sightings, hm?  The temperature-decreasings, the furniture-slammings, the spectral-frolickings, the creepy-whisperings, the –

           Friend 2: Power of suggestion, mass hysteria, and really, really old buildings on the verge of collapse.  People see what they want to see, or hear, or whatever.

            Friend 1: But the whole city is registered as a National Haunted Landmark!

            Friend 2: I think you mean a National Historic Landmark.

            Friend 1: Potato-potato.

            Friend 2: Not po–tah-to?

            Friend 1: You heard me.  So you wanna go middle of the month?

            Friend 2: Sure; I love the trolley tours there.

MID-SEPTEMBER

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 stroll through a pedestrian mall in ---- ---)

            Friend 2: I wonder if that cooking shop is still here?

            Friend 1: (Consulting a book and points) We can find out later – first let’s go over to that Christmas store on the corner.

            Friend 2: Ugh, don’t talk to me about Christmas when it’s still technically late summer; it’s bad enough all the Halloween stuff’s put out right after the 4^th of July.

            Friend 1: We’re not going to shop, we’re… hunting.  For hauntings.

            Friend 2: Oh dear.  Does your little book there say that store has the Ghost of Christmas Past hanging out by the register, then?

            Friend 1: I will ignore your use of “little” as a disparaging term, and go inside without you.  (Heads over to the entrance)

            Friend 2: Meet you at the fudge shop later.

            Friend 1: Which one?

            Friend 2: (Turns around and sees there are five in their area) Uhhhh…. (Points to the one farthest away) That one will be my last stop.

            Friend 1: Glutton.  (Dashes into the multi-holiday store, stops in the middle of an area surrounded by Christmas, Winter, Thanksgiving, Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, etc. decorations, closes eyes, spreads arms, and inhales sharply) Come spirits, I await thee and thy spookiness – (Is knocked over by passing shoppers who are trying to exit the store)

            Shopper: Sorry, excuse me!

            Friend 1: (Brushes off arms while getting up from the floor) Quite all right; entirely my fault.  (Is knocked over again by three more shoppers, then heads to a corner with tree ornaments to consult the book) Wait, it’s the other store in --- ------ that’s haunted?  Son of a witch.

            (In a local bed and breakfast, Friend 1 and Friend 2 settle in their twin beds for the night; a steady thumping is heard through the walls)

            Friend 1: This supposedly is the most haunted B&B in the entire state, and yet they have cable TV, free Wi-Fi, and not one ghost!

            Friend 2: (Trying to read a book about freshwater fishing) Maybe they only show up at midnight.

            Friend 1: It’s past midnight!

            Friend 2: So it is.

           Friend 1: I could have booked us separate rooms, you know – now you have to listen to me snoring all night, every night, until we check out.

            Friend 2: I’ll just dream about all the money I’m saving, thanks.

            (The thumping starts getting louder)

            Friend 1: (Gets out of the bed and puts on slippers) That’s it, I am not spending an entire night enduring that inconsideration.

            Friend 2: Be careful – they could be psychos.

            Friend 1: So can I.  (Tromps down the hall and bangs on their neighbors’ door.  The thumping continues, but there is no answer.  Friend 1 tries the knob, opens the door, and enters the room, stopping past the doorway – there is a couple in a queen-sized bed, looking petrified past Friend 1’s shoulder, and the thumping halts) Look, I know we’re all excited to be here, but some of us are trying to get some sleep before having a busy day relaxing tomorrow, so do you two mind knocking off the rave you have going on in here, m’kay?

            Both Guests: (Shakily pointing to the corner of the room next to the open door) Gh-gh-gh-gh-

          Friend 1: Good night?  Yes, good night to you too, now hush!  (Mutters) Tourists.  (Turns to leave) Oh!  (Is taken aback upon seeing a woman wearing an old-fashioned maid’s outfit standing in the corner) Finally, someone from Housekeeping shows up!  Your timing could be a little better, but when you’re done here could you stop off at my room down the hall, please?  I know this is a B&B where the guests have to supply their own drapes, but the trash bins could stand to be emptied every now and then, especially since we have no idea when garbage pick-up is around here, if you could be so kind?!  Thanks a bunch.  (Is about to close the door, then addresses the woman again) Love the uniform, by the way.  What’s the era supposed to be, 1920s?

            Maid: (In a hollowed-out voice) 1847.

           Friend 1: (Shrugs) Eh, close.  (Slams the door shut on the way out, tromps down the hall back to the room, and flings self back onto the bed)

            Friend 2: (Still trying to read) Everything work out all right?

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, we came to an understanding, they’ll shut up now, plus I got maid service to come over here and clean up this mess – wake me up when she gets here, huh?  (Immediately falls asleep and starts snoring)

            Friend 2: (Tilts head in confusion) But there isn’t any maid service here.

            (The next morning, Friend 1 and Friend 2 stroll with the crowd on the sort-of boardwalk)

            Friend 2: Weather’s nice – want to go to the beach later?

           Friend 1: (Roughly turning pages in the book) When there’re no lifeguards this time of year – are you mad?

            Friend 2: At least that means it’s free; we could just get our toes wet.

           Friend 1: What need have I for wet toes when I am attempting to locate the hundreds of souls who’ve drowned in these waters?!

            Friend 2: Ew.  Maybe come back at Halloween and they’ll show up then.

         Friend 1: (Stops reading) What difference would the date make?!  Ghosts know naught of calendars in the beyond!

            Friend 2: They might know aught about solar and moon cycles, though.

           Friend 1: I can’t believe we’ve trekked to all the spirit-world hot spots there are here, and not one spectral sighing in the bunch.  And meanwhile, we have to endure an off-season tourist influx of cosplayers surrounding us everywhere we go!

            Friend 2: Cosplayers?

        Friend 1: (Gestures at all the old-fashioned-dressed pedestrians sashaying around them) Behold!  The nerds en masse!  Is there a steampunk convention this weekend and I missed the announcement?!

            Friend 2: (Checks a brochure) No, I just see later today there’s supposed to be a pig roast.

         Friend 1: Barbaric.  (Spots activity up ahead) Ooh, a flogging!  (Trots off, followed in a confused hurry by Friend 2)

            (The next day, they begin the drive back home)

            Friend 1: (In the passenger seat) Well, that weekend was a bust.

            Friend 2: I thought it was very educational and restful.  Thanks for suggesting it; I had a lot of fun!

          Friend 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Gazes out the window back towards the city) All those stories and proper haunting conditions, and not one ghost.  (Watches a whaling ship sail out from the harbor while the car passes by a Victorian family riding high wheel bicycles) Not.  One.  Ghost.