(Homeowner
answers a knock on the door)
Homeowner:
(Upon seeing visitor is a human-sized spider) Uhhhhh….
Spider
1: Hello friend! I am here to offer you a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to protect your home and keep yourself healthy
and free of all kinds of pesky critters and vermin! Today only, you can have complete home
security installed with Spider Protection Services, LLC – absolutely free!
Homeowner:
Uhhhhh….
Spider
1: No fees, no contracts – this requires literally no action on your part! Now how can you pass up an offer like that,
hm?
Homeowner:
Uhhhhh… it sounds like a racket.
Spider
1: It totally does, but it totally isn’t!
I’m telling you, friend, you can’t beat a living arrangement like this!
Homeowner:
“Living arrangement?”
Spider
1: Yes indeedy! All you have to do is
let me and my crew set up shop in your abode and do our thing unmolested, and
we’ll take care of the rest!
Homeowner:
The rest being…?
Spider
1: Slaughter all the invaders who dare to cross your threshold, of course!
Homeowner:
What?
Spider
1: Oh you know, the usual riff-raff: mosquitos, flies, fleas, ringworms, rats –
Homeowner:
WHAT?
Spider
1: – the constant bombardment of the invading forces that never end, no matter
how much insulation or caulk you think you surrounded yourself with. It’s a nightmare, friend: one you no longer
need suffer under.
Homeowner:
I don’t know… what’s the catch?
Spider
1: There is none! We only ask one thing
in return: not to kill us.
Homeowner:
Not to kill you? That’s it?
Spider
1: That’s it! You’re already doing it –
like I said, it requires literally no action on your part.
Homeowner:
Huh. Still sounds like a racket.
Spider
1: I assure you it only sounds like one.
Homeowner:
All right: I’ll try it, and if I don’t like it I’ll just throw you all out.
Spider
1: (Chuckles) Of course. May I go ahead
and place this on your door? (Holds up a
sticker)
Homeowner:
Uhhhhh, sure?
Spider
1: Splendid. (Slaps the sticker that
reads “Spider Haven” on the door, then turns to face the driveway) All right
everybody, come on in!
Homeowner:
Wha – ? (A stampede of human-sized
spiders enter the house and immediately begin spinning webs in every corner)
Wait-wait, there’re no… tarantulas or anything like that coming in, are there?
Spider
1: Oh heavens no; we’re all the harmless-to-your-species kind. (Inspecting the
rooms; to Homeowner) You live alone?
Homeowner:
Uh, yeah.
Spider
1: Good. (Points to the den) You probably won’t be using that room anymore.
Homeowner:
Well, my sports equipment’s in there – (Spider 1 gives a look) Yeah, I haven’t touched
them in a while.
Spider
1: Splendid. (A crash is heard in the
bathroom) What’s going on in there?
Voice:
Nothing!
Spider
1: Remember to leave the pipes, drains, and vents unobstructed, you all got
that?
Voices:
Yes!
Homeowner:
(Looking up at a ceiling fan that is slowly being covered by a web) Uh, I
actually was going to turn that on later today.
Spider
1: You got air conditioning, don’t you?
Homeowner:
I try not to use it that much; I like the fan better.
Spider
1: Start liking the air conditioning better.
Homeowner:
Oh.
(Another
crash is heard, this time from the kitchen)
Spider
1: Excuse me; some of them haven’t entirely mastered the art of self-control yet. (Heads into the kitchen) I said, “No
cabinets!”
Homeowner:
(Stares at all the work-in-progress throughout the house) Hmm….
(At
night, Homeowner wakes up to hear a threatening conversation coming from the
living room and gets up to investigate; in a corner by an armchair, two spiders
watch a centipede caught in their web)
Centipede:
I swear, I’ll never come to this neighborhood again!
Spider
2: Heh-heh, you got that right. (Smacks drooling
chelicerae together)
Homeowner:
(Turns on a light) What are you doing?
(All
three stare at Homeowner)
Spider
3: What’s it look like we’re doing?
Homeowner:
I don’t know, I think you should let it go.
Centipede:
I agree!
Spider
2: (To Homeowner) Listen pal, we gotta eat too, and this is what you agreed to –
do you actually want this guy crawling around all over the place?
Homeowner:
(Shudders in disgust) Ew, no. I don’t
know why, but no.
Spider
2: Exactly. So we kill `em for you.
Homeowner:
No, wait, don’t kill it!
Spider
2: (Sighs, takes out a phone, and selects a number; after a few rings) Yeah, we
got a problem with the landlord.
Homeowner:
Huh?
(Spider
1 enters from the kitchen)
Spider
1: Well hello there! What seems to be
the issue?
Spider
2: (Pointing to Homeowner) Humane Society here’s interfering with our business.
Spider
1: (Uses a leg to guide Homeowner away from the scene) Now, now, I know it may
be difficult for your kind to face something like this now that most of you’ve
outsourced your hunting and gathering, but this really is completely natural
and only to your benefit.
Homeowner:
(Tries to look back at the scene) But – it seems to be suffering –
Spider
1: Is it? Listen, the whole process is
very quick with little-to-no cruelty, and we only consume the ones who get
caught in our webs so really, it’s their own fault for not looking where they’re
going.
Homeowner:
But –
Spider
1: Tell me: do you like to eat hamburgers?
Homeowner:
(Chagrined) Yes.
Spider
1: Uh-huh. And considering the lifetime
of captivity and, I imagine, horrific execution of the cattle involved, you
still would eat the hamburger, yes?
Homeowner:
I usually don’t think about all that.
Spider
1: Uh-huh. Well now that you are, can
you still tell me that what we do makes our food suffer?
Homeowner:
I guess not.
Spider
1: Good. (Looks back at the scene)
There! All done. And your house will continue to be free of
pests.
Homeowner:
(Turns to see Spiders 2 and 3 chowing down) I guess.
(A
crash is heard from the bedroom; Homeowner runs in with Spider 1 close behind,
and they see that the bed is covered in one giant web)
Homeowner:
(Building up to a scream)
Spider
1: (To spider on the web) Really, how many times do I have to say it: not in
the high-traffic areas!
Spider
4: (Freezes in mid-spin) What? No one
was here.
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