Story 244: Which Roads Did You Take to Get Here?

            (Setting: New Jersey)

            Guest 1: (Sits down in a rush, speaking low) Hey.

            Guest 2: (Sitting nearby, also speaking low) Oh hey, how are you?

            Guest 1: (Takes off coat) Got stuck in traffic; didn’t mean to get here so late.

          Guest 2: That’s all right, there’s no set time to show up at these things.  (After Guest 1 is settled) Which roads did you take to get here?

            Guest 1: Oh, mainly Parkway South.

            Guest 2: (Nearly chokes) What on Earth would you do a thing like that for?!

            Guest 1: It’s the most direct way, the exit’s right over here, what was I supposed to take?

           Guest 2: Anything other than that!  Parkway South, on a Friday afternoon, in the summer, is commuter suicide, and you deliberately chose it when there are literally a dozen other routes to get here that a resident like you should know by now.  I should make you turn in your “Local” card.

            Guest 1: Ha, ha; how’d you get here then, if you’re so backroads-savvy?

           Guest 2: (Starts gesticulating to demonstrate) Well, I’m right off of Route 34, which is a gift from Heaven this time of year, so I took 34 South all the way to Route 138, then over to Route 35, cut across to Route 71, took that until it intersected with this street, then took the roundabout to the cross street so I could park five blocks away from here and get right on the highway later.  Easy peasy!

            Guest 1: Sounds unnecessarily convoluted.  I just took Parkway South and got off right over here.

            Guest 2: Yeah, and paid for it dearly, and I don’t just mean tolls.  How long did it take you to crawl the 20 miles down here with the rest of the Shore Traffic?

            Guest 1: …Two hours.

            Guest 2: Ha!  Forty-five minutes.

            Guest 1: It wasn’t just the traffic, OK?  There was an accident everyone had to stop and stare at!

            Guest 2: Wouldn’t have gotten that on Route 34.

            Guest 1: No, they probably would have closed off the entire road and you’d’ve had to detour 10 miles around it!

            Guest 2: Still would’ve been faster than the Parkway.

            Guest 3: (Sits next to Guest 2, holding a cup of water.  To Guest 1) Hi, how’ve you been?

            Guest 1: Oh fine, just arguing about which roads are worse this time of year.

            Guest 3: Oh yeah?

            Guest 2: I’ve been explaining the folly of taking Parkway South to get here.

            Guest 3: Parkway South?  In the summer?

            Guest 2: (To Guest 1) See.

            Guest 1: It was the most direct way here!  Stop judging me!

            Guest 3: Sorry, but sometimes the fastest distance between two points is not a straight line.

            Guest 2: It’s actually “the shortest distance between two points.”

            Guest 3: (Hisses) That’s the same thing I just said!

            Guest 2: Actually –

          Guest 3: Forget it; bottom line, don’t take Parkway South this time of year at all unless it’s between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m., and even then build in an extra hour just in case there’s a jackknifed tractor trailer or something.

            Guest 1: But Parkway South is the most direct!

          Guest 4: (Sitting in the row in front of them, just now turning around) I never take the Parkway in the summer.

            Guest 2: Thank you.

            Guest 1: So what do you take when you have to go a long distance south?

            Guest 4: Route 9.  (The other three stare in horror) It takes you all the way to Parkway Exit 0, and with none of the tolls.

            Guest 2: Route… 9????

            Guest 4: It’s not all bad.  Towards the end it’s actually quite lovely.

            Guest 2: Why would you willingly throw yourself into the disaster that is Route 9 all the way south, when you could just as easily take Route 34 to 35 to 70 to 539 –

            Guest 1: (To Guest 2) You know, I’m surprised you have any gas left in your car with all the circuitous routes you take in your life.

            Guest 2: I have a 10-minute daily commute and I refuse to be stuck in traffic ever again!

          Guest 4: I’ve accepted traffic as I’ve accepted taxes, but full disclosure: the only reason I happened upon Route 9 as a substitute parallel road is because I’m currently in toll payment jail.

           Guest 1: Well, stinks to be you, but I’m still taking the Parkway when it’s the most direct route.

            Guest 2: Why are you willfully ignoring the glory of bypassing that infernal morass by just taking Route 34?!

            Guest 1: Because 34 also has traffic and has four circles – who actually thought that circles instead of lights would be faster?!  And safer?!  The sudden lane-changing and non-yielding have nearly killed me every time!

            Guest 3: I prefer roundabouts myself.

            Guest 1: There are no words for you.

            Guest 5: (Approaches the group) Hi guys.

            Guests 1-4: Hey.

           Guest 5: They’re going to be wrapping up here soon, if you’d like to pay your respects one last time – ?

            Guest 1: Oh, right!  (Rushes to kneel in front of the casket)

            Guest 4: I should head over there, too – I forgot to drop off the card. (Follows Guest 1)

            (Guest 2 and Guest 3 sit in silence for a few moments)

            Guest 2: You know, Grandpa would’ve agreed with me about Route 34.

           Guest 3: I think he would’ve agreed with me in telling you to quit while you’re ahead.

Story 243: You Just Can’t Leave on Time

            [8:01 a.m.]

            Friend 1: (Entering the office) Morning.

            Friend 2: (Sighs softly, not looking up from the computer) That it is.

            Friend 1: (Settles belongings at desk and sits) Just a heads-up: I’ve got a thing right after work today, so I have to leave at 4:30 on the dot.

            Friend 2: (Looks over) What, you mean on time?

           Friend 1: Yeah yeah, I always wind up doing one last thing that pushes me over a few minutes, but today I really need to leave at 4:30.  As in, not even a minute later.

            Friend 2: Not gonna happen.  (Returns to the computer)

            Friend 1: What?  How do you know?

           Friend 2: (Looks back) Because you jinxed it: you said it out loud, and now it doesn’t matter how much you prepare ahead, you will not get out of here on time.  The universe has accepted your challenge and will deploy everything it has to keep you from leaving.  Your fate is sealed: no point in fighting it.

         Friend 1: I’d say you were talking out of your hat if you wore one, and now you’re just throwing me off my schedule.

            Friend 2: You’ll see I’m right.  Enjoy your misguided optimism while it lasts.

            Friend 1: It’s like talking to a wall.

            [10:30 a.m.]

           Friend 1: Did you see the e-mail about a meeting at 3:00?!  That’s going to set me back at least an hour that I can’t spare, and it’ll be pointless to boot!

            (Friend 2 looks over and smiles evilly)

            Friend 1: Oh shut up.  I’ll just have to push that one report I was going to work on today off to tomorrow.  That day is now pre-ruined, but this day is salvaged.  Yes, that should do nicely.

            Friend 2: (Shakes head slowly) You poor, poor sap.

            [1:15 p.m.]

           Friend 1: (Answers the desk phone) Billing Department, this is -----, how may I help you?... Oh hi, what can I do for you?... Oh…. Oh, OK…. Sure, I can do that for you…. How soon do you need it by?... Well, we actually have that meeting at 3…. Yeah, I’ll get it to you before 5…. `K, bye.  (Disconnects the call, then slams down the receiver and whispers) Noooooooooooo….

            Friend 2: (Leans back from the desk to look over at Friend 1) What’s that?

            Friend 1: Nothing!  (Starts typing furiously)

            Friend 2: You sure?  It seemed like the sound of an unexpected project being tossed your way.

            Friend 1: The more you talk, the more I’m delayed!

            Friend 2: Uh-huh.  (Resumes work.  After a minute) Need any help?

            Friend 1: (With blazing eyes fixed on the screen) No one can help me!

            Friend 2: Hoo boy.

            [3:15 p.m.]

            Speaker: (To the employees gathered in a conference room) …and when you select this tab, you’ll see all your options for restructuring, drilling down, and purchasing….

           Friend 1: (In a whispered conversation with Friend 2) Son of a gun, this is the exact same stuff that was covered in the e-mail they sent out last week!

            Friend 2: Yeah, but who actually reads those?

            Friend 1: I do!

            Friend 2: Then you’re in the minority.

            Speaker: Next question?

          Co-Worker 1: Yes, will we still be able to use the old system to place orders once the new system goes live?

            Friend 1: (Stands and addresses the ceiling) For the love of all that is decent, no!  Read, fools, why can’t you people read?!!! (Runs away)

            Friend 2: Heh-heh, sweet.

            [4:03 p.m.]

            Friend 1: Done!  Finished all of my work, finished all of other people’s work, and I just have to finish this one last thing and I’m free!

            Friend 2: (Sing-song) You’re not gonna make it….

            Friend 1: If you’re the one who makes me late, you will never know peace again.

            [4:28 p.m.]

            Friend 1: Dare I say it?

            Friend 2: I wouldn’t.

            (Friend 1’s desk phone rings)

            Friend 1: (Turns sharply to glare at it and hisses) Beast!

            Friend 2: I’d let it go to voicemail.

           Friend 1: Of course you would, you never answer the phone anyway!  (Ringing continues) Ooh, I’m technically still on the clock, and what if it’s important that can’t wait `til tomorrow and I get fired because I didn’t answer?!  (Snatches the receiver) Billing Department, this is – Hiiiii?  How are you?... Well, I'm actually leaving for the day…. (Friend 2 slowly taps a watch; Friend 1 grabs a pencil to chew on) Uh-huh, so you need me to walk you through it?... I’m sorry – what is your actual question then?

            (Co-Worker 2 enters and hovers around Friend 1’s desk)

            Friend 2: (Packing up to leave) Need help?

            Co-Worker 2: Yeah, but I can wait.  (Gestures at Friend 1)

          Friend 1: (Still on the phone) OK, I’m listening.  (Slumps down onto the desk and weeps soundlessly)

            Friend 2: Take a number, and maybe bring some candy as a peace offering.

Story 242: Pests Are Always Invincible

            (In a tree)

            Tick: This is it: this is the day I’m gonna do it.

            Mosquito: What, mutate?

            Tick: No – take a meal from one of the apex predators.

           Mosquito: That’s certainly ambitious.  You sure you want to go through something like that, though?  Plenty of choices around here that aren’t so nasty.

            Tick: I’m tired of deer, that bird I just dropped off of was very unsatisfactory, I’ve only got a few months left to pop out some kids and die, and I want to trophy hunt before I go.

          Mosquito: Suit yourself, since you want to be so omnivorous, but you do realize this’ll probably be the end of the line.

            Tick: Then what an end!  (Spots a potential host) All right, that looks like a good one: lots of mane to get lost in, especially since I don’t have to climb up the rest of the body to get there this time.  (Shudders at the memory)

            Mosquito:  Really?  That one?  Smells bland.

            Tick: It’s the closest one I can see so I’m going for it!  (Raises a front leg to test the wind and makes complex calculations adjusting for air currents, land speed of the target, and angle of descent)  Here I go – wish me luck!  (Sees that Mosquito had left some time ago) Right.  (Drops from the tree and lands on the target’s head).  Ooh, nice and warm.

            (Six hours later)

            Human: (Scratches head) Hm, something in my hair?  (Grabs and takes a look)

            Tick: Howdy.

            Human: [String of expletives]

            Tick: No need for alarm, I barely burrowed in – you actually woke me up from a nice nap just now, so if you don’t mind –

            Human: No-no-no-no, I can’t have Lyme’s, my life can’t be over, what am I going to do – ?!

            Tick: Relax, most of us don’t have that one, but it’s a stigma we’re all forced to bear.

            Human: Really?  You don’t have Lyme’s?

         Tick: How should I know?  You guys are the ones always poking around in everyone’s business; you figure it out.

            Human: I certainly will.  (Drops Tick on the floor, takes a heavy book, and drops that on top; gingerly lifts the book up)

            Tick: My kind has survived countless generations of all that Mother Earth has literally thrown at us – you seriously think that a simple crushing pressure would defeat me?

            Human: Yes!

            Tick: Typical human reaction: something irritates you, therefore it must die.

            Human: Well you probably’ve killed me, so we’re even!

          Tick: I sincerely doubt it: my guess is that if – if, mind you – I happened to pass along anything, your fellows have cooked up some unnatural concoction that no doubt will keep the little ones too busy to do any real damage.  And I wouldn’t stress out over something you might have, and maybe focus more on that anemia you’ve been working on lately.

            Human: What?!

            Tick: I think I’ve told you more than you deserve.

            Human: In that case – (Places Tick in a plastic bag)

            Tick: (Muffled) You think a simple lack of oxygen would defeat me?

            Human: It should!

            Tick: I wouldn’t take that bet.

            (Two days later)

            Human: (Checks bag) You’re still alive?!

            Tick: You think a simple lack of food and water would defeat me?

           Human: Fire might, once I have a lab tech check you out.  I have to wait weeks before my blood’ll show if you gave me anything, so now I don’t even know how to feel!

            Tick: Might I recommended gratitude for being alive at all?

            Human: What would you know?!

            Tick: Enough.  (Reveals hole that was bitten into the bag) Tick away!  (Scurries to a window)

            Human: Drat.  Should’ve done the fire first.

           Tick: Typical human reaction.  And you think a simple extreme temperature would defeat me?  By all rights my kind should be running this planet!  But, unlike some species I could name, we’re not greedy.