Story 350: The World Won’t End If….

          (Friend 1 sits at an office desk, surrounded by piles of paper and files holding more paper; Coworker approaches the desk)

            Coworker: Hey – got a minute?

            Friend 1: No!  What is it?!

           Coworker: Higher-ups want this project done ASAP.  (Drops a new pile of paper onto the one empty spot on the desk and leaves)

         Friend 1: (Yelling at Coworker’s retreating back) They need to let me know which ASAP project they want done first!  (Turns back to the piles and starts to sink forward onto the nearest one when the cell phone rings; answers) Hi, I could use a two-second break, what’s up?

            Friend 2: I need to cancel for tonight: my niece’s birthday dinner got moved to today.  Can we meet up later this week?

            Friend 1: (Starts moving piles from one place to another and intermingling them) Yeah – sure – that’s fine – I’m free whenever – just let me know –

            Friend 2: Is work bad today?

          Friend 1: “Bad” and “today” don’t begin to describe it.  Have you ever been slowly buried alive by flat pieces of dead trees?

            Friend 2: I used to be, but I thought we were in the digital age now.

          Friend 1: That’s the great lie.  But it wouldn’t matter anyway: the projects behind them all remain, and I have to complete every last one of them simultaneously two months ago.

            Friend 2: Ouch.  Well, do the best you can.

           Friend 1: Ha!  “Best” took a back seat to “barely passable” years ago; I’m surprised I haven’t been fired by now.

            Friend 2: You probably won’t be – you’re the only one left in your department.

            Friend 1: I suppose.

          Friend 2: Trust me: short of murder, there’s really nothing you could do that would get you fired at this point, if only for the fact that they’d have no idea how to train the next person since the only one who knew how to do anything there was you.  So really, the world won’t end if you don’t finish a project or two or 10 in the time they said they wanted it.

            Friend 1: I don’t understand.

            Friend 2: Well you understand “don’t,” so you do!

            Friend 1: What?

           Friend 2: Just do what you can, and whatever you don’t do now will get done eventually, and the world won’t end if it doesn’t.

            Friend 1: It won’t?

           Friend 2: …Yes.  We’ll all still be here and the Earth will continue rotating around the Sun as it has been for quite some time.  And now I’ve gotta go – bye!  (Disconnects the call)

            Friend 1: (Sets down the phone and stares at the piles) The world won’t end, eh?

THE NEXT DAY

            (Coworker approaches Friend 1’s desk)

            Coworker: Hey – got a minute?

          Friend 1: (Wearing summer casual clothes, sitting on a beach chair, and listening to ocean waves on a stereo) I have all the minutes.  What’s up?

           Coworker: Higher-ups want this project done ASAP.  (Drops a pile of paper onto the empty desk) Hey – you got all that other stuff done?

            Friend 1: Nope.  (Sips lemonade and props sandaled feet onto the desk) They will be attended to, all in good time – as will this latest monstrosity.  (Points to the pile with one sandaled foot)

         Coworker: Oh.  Need any help?  Not that I can give you any – I’m just trying to be superficially nice.

           Friend 1: (Slurps the rest of the drink) Nope again!  I’ll get to it when I get to it: the world won’t end if I don’t finish it in five seconds, or if a deadline’s missed, or the company loses money, or we fail an inspection, or –

            Coworker: Oh wow, you’re really reached that point, huh?  I’m jealous.  (Leaves)

          Friend 1: (Opens a cabinet drawer and dumps the new pile of paper into it, then pulls out a different pile to work on, slowly and steadily) It only took me 20 years to reach it….

THE NEXT DAY

            (Friend 1 sorts through mail at home)

           Friend 1: Ah yes, this bill’s right on time.  (Opens the envelope and winces) Bit higher this month.  Due when?... Hm, usually get a few weeks’ leeway, right?  The world won’t end if I don’t pay it exactly by the due date, right?

THE NEXT DAY

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 are having dinner in a restaurant)

           Friend 2: So they understood why I didn’t have my gift for her that night since they’re the ones who moved the party, but I still felt bad showing up empty-handed, you know?

            Friend 1: (Sampling from three plates of entrees and five different drinks) Why?  World didn’t end, right?

            Friend 2: (Stares at the array of plates and glasses on the table) I think you took my advice the other day a little too much to heart.

         Friend 1: (Mouth full of French fries) Au contraire!  I didn’t take them to heart enough!  (Shouts over shoulder) Garçon!  Bring on the dessert tray!

            Server: (Speedily wheels over a sampler platter) You actually get two free ones –

            Friend 1: Splendid!  I’ll take them all!  (Server speedily wheels away) To go!  (To Friend 2) I have some self-control.

            Friend 2: Yes, I can see that.

THE NEXT DAY

            (Friend 1 walks along the beach and steps on a broken shell)

           Friend 1: Ouchie!  (Picks shell out of foot) Son of a – (Stops) No: this is not a disaster, the world won’t end if I just keep on walking and pretend this never happened.  (Tosses the shell into the waves and slightly limps onward)

           Beachgoer: (Runs to Friend 1 and holds out a sealed antiseptic wipe) Here – I’m a dad, and you don’t want to let that sit for too long, trust me.

          Friend 1: I appreciate the gesture, but the world won’t end if I let Nature cleanse my momentary interruption.

            Beachgoer: I guess, but you might be in it with one less foot.

            Friend 1: …Point taken.  (Accepts the wipe)

THE NEXT DAY

          Friend 1: (Working through a pile of paper while on the office phone) I hear your concern, but the world won’t end if this doesn’t get done by today, am-I-right?... Yes, that certainly does put everything into perspective, doesn’t it, bye-bye.  (Hangs up and addresses the paper) Now, where were we, my lovelies?  (Presses “Play” on the stereo so the ocean waves resume) Aaaaaaahhhhhhh: my favorite part.  (Alerts start going off on the office computers and on everyone’s cell phones; employees start freaking out and running off; Friend 1 hums while filing the current pile and preparing to start on the next one when the cell phone rings; answers) Allo-allo-allo?

            Friend 2: Did you hear what’s going on?!

            Friend 1: No, but you sound a bit agitated about it.

           Friend 2: That’s the understatement of the eon!  So that asteroid that’s been coming this way and everyone thought would pass us by, got affected by all the other planets’ gravity when it entered our solar system and now it’s headed straight for us!  By this time tomorrow, we’ll be toast!

          Friend 1: I doubt it – can’t some nukes just vaporize it or turn it into a black hole or something?

            Friend 2: IT’S BIGGER THAN THE EARTH!!!!

            Friend 1: Oh.  Well, the world won’t end if – oh.

            Friend 2: I’m calling the rest of my family now – good-bye forever!  (Disconnects the call)

           Friend 1: (Sets down the phone and stares at the pile of paper, then at the now-empty office) That advice certainly came at the perfect time in my life.  Decades later than I’d’ve liked, but better late than never, right?

            Right?

Story 349: Porch Pirates on the Residential Seas

(In a condo development, Resident checks e-mail on a phone while walking to the unit and sees a message stating “Your package has been delivered!” above a photo of the Resident’s front door with a small box on the ground in front of it.  Resident smiles, continues walking to the unit, then stops at the front door.  Resident stares at the empty space on the ground in front of the door, then at the photo on the phone, then back at the empty space, several times)

Resident: (To Neighbor walking by with a bicycle) Hey – did you see a package sitting here earlier today?

Neighbor: Oh yeah, I saw it when I got home around 3:00.  (Looks down at the empty space) I’m guessing you’re not the one who made it disappear.

Resident: No!  I just got home!

Neighbor: Well that stinks.  Looks like a porch pirate got to it first.

Resident: A what?

Neighbor: Porch pirate.  Steals people’s packages after they’re dropped off on the porch.

Resident: We don’t have porches!

Neighbor: Same principle applies.  They lie in wait for the opportunity to strike, and since they’re so fast and appear so casual and usually no one’s around, there’s almost 0% chance of them getting caught.  If you have a silent witness, though, that’d help.

Resident: What, you mean a dog?

Neighbor: Nah, a dog’d be mostly useless, unless you want assault charges.  I’m talking about one of those.  (Points to another unit’s doorbell camera) And even then tracking the thief’s tricky, unless they look right into the lens and hold up a sign with their name on it.

Resident: I guess, but it’s a moot point now, I’m still just as robbed!

Neighbor: Company’ll ship you a replacement whatever-it-was, I bet.

Resident: That’ll get stolen, too!

Neighbor: Hm.  Get a P.O. box, then?  Or just never have anything delivered again.  Bottom line: there’s no surefire way to stop porch pirates, so you just have to work around them.  (Hops onto the bicycle and rings the bell while gliding away)

Resident: Says who?!  (Unlocks the door and fumes into the living room, flopping onto the couch while muttering) “Porch pirates” – who do they think they are, taking people’s stuff and ruining our lives and the economy?  (Drifts into a doze)

           (A massive galleon sails into the parking lot of the condo development: 16^th-century dressed pirates hold onto various ropes and sails while shaking their swords in the air and yelling “Arrrrrrr!!!”  The ship sails up to Resident’s front door, where a package sits on the ground; the pirate perched off the ship’s bow leans down and snatches up the box)

            Pirate: Yoink!

            Crew: Huzzah!

           (They continue to shake their swords and yell as the ship sails down the middle of a residential street, then stops and drops anchor on top of a parked car.  The Captain (who looks like Resident) addresses the crew from the helm)

            Captain: Ahoy there, mateys!

            Crew: Ahoy, Cap’n!

           Captain: This be another fine day of plunderin’ ahead o’ we, the crew of the mightiest pirate ship in all the seven seas, The Rotten Cheapskates!

            Crew: Yaaaahhh!!!  (Swords shake in the air)

         Captain: Now, hear me, all ye: (All crouch down in a hush while Captain sweeps arms dramatically) the hour, be 3 o’ the clock; the residents, be still away at work; the ones not away, be glued to the boob tube, or in the midst of a well-deserved nap; the porches, be ours!

            Crew: Arrrr!!!!

           (Captain and Crew swing from ropes onto the street and rush to a house that has a large box sitting on the front porch)

            Captain: (Leading with a raised sword) There she blows!  Take yer prize, ye hard workers!

            Crew: Raaaaahhhh!!!!

            (They rush up the porch steps as a figure approaches (who looks like Neighbor), holding up a hand)

            Silent Witness: Halt, rapscallions!

            (Captain and Crew stumble to a stop on the steps; several fall off into the bushes)

            Captain: (Pointing with the sword) WHO BE YE??!!!

            Silent Witness: I am the Silent Witness!

            Captain: Not so silent right now.

         Silent Witness: Same principle applies.  I am the Protector of the Porch, Defender of the Domicile, Lover of Dogs –

            Captain: We be not afraid o’ ye!  We take what we want, and no piddlin’ peeper can stop we!

            First Mate: Us.

            Captain: Aye!

            Crew: Aye-aye!!!  (Swords shake in agreement)

          Silent Witness: Too true – I cannot stop you directly, but I can record your description and forward it to the authorities so you can be taken down by Justice.

            Captain: Gasp!  Not Justice!

            Crew: Booooooooo!!!!!

         Captain: (Shouts back to the ship) Bosun!  Change the name of the ship to The Innocent Schoolchildren!

           Boatswain: (Takes out a paint can and brush and leans over the side of the ship to paint the new name over the old one) Aye-aye, Cap’n!

            Captain: (Turns back to Silent Witness) There – that oughta do it.

            Silent Witness: It really won’t.

           Captain: Bilge rats and barnacles!  (Captain and Crew begin retreating backwards to the ship) Ye may have won this round, but we shall return and claim our treasure!

            Silent Witness: I’ll still be here.

Captain: Blasting cannonade!  (Hops back onto the bow and stands with sword raised as the ship lurches forward, nearly knocking off Boatswain who still is painting the new name on the side) Onward to new lands!  (There is a massive screeching sound behind the ship as it sails down the street) Would someone hoist the blinkin’ anchor?!  (Crew scramble to hoist the anchor as they turn down a different street) This is why we have processes in place, mateys!

            Crew: Apologies, Cap’n!

            (Captain stares through a telescope for several minutes, then points in the distance)

            Captain: There!  Off the port bow!  Follow that delivery truck!

            Crew: Aye-aye-arrrrr!!!!

           (They follow the truck until it stops in front of a house; Captain and Crew leap from the ship and are there as the courier returns from dropping off a package on the porch)

          Courier: (Stares at Captain and Crew, who are all smiling in friendship) Yeah, I’m out.  (Drives away)

            Captain: (Points to the package) All right, ye adorable scalawags: seize that there booty!

            Crew: Yaaaah!!!

            (They swarm the porch, then stumble to a stop when they see a figure sitting on a swing)

            Granny: (Knitting) Why, hello there.  Would you like some lemonade?

            Captain: (Looks around the porch entire) Common folk still sit out on these things?!

            (Resident suddenly wakes from the doze)

          Resident: Wow.  That was unexpectedly vivid.  (Stands, takes out the phone, and dials the company’s customer service number to report the theft, pausing to stare wistfully out the front window) I wish I had a porch.