Story 327: A Bit Washed Out

            (Friend 2 walks down the hallway to Friend 1’s apartment, looking down and stepping around large puddles of water along the way.  Friend 2 knocks on the apartment door and Friend 1 opens it after a minute)

            Friend 1: Hey!  Ready to go?

            Friend 2: Only if you are – you got a leak or something?

          Friend 1: Huh?  (Friend 2 steps aside and gestures to the lakes scattered along the hallway; Friend 1’s eyes widen) WHAT?!

            Friend 2: So I guess this isn’t from you, then.

          Friend 1: Darn tootin’ it’s not from me!  Unless – (Runs back into the apartment, a lot of banging and crashes are heard, then runs back to the front door) Nope, it isn’t from me.

            Friend 2: Do you think it’s coming from one of your neighbors?

           Friend 1: (Walks up and down the hallway, peering closely at the lakes) I don’t think so: they seem to be springing up all over.  (Freezes around the hallway’s midpoint) Hang on – you hear that?

            Friend 2: (Tilts head) No – what?

           Friend 1: (Places an ear against the wall on the same side of the hallway as the apartment, then grinds teeth) Niagara Falls.

            Friend 2: (Also places an ear against the wall) Oh wow, it sounds like a pipe burst in there – how old is this building?

            Friend 1: Literally centuries.  (Takes phone out of jeans pocket and makes a call) Hi, this is the tenant from Apartment 5B, there’s water absolutely all over the corridor here, you might want to have it taken care of before the entire building implodes, hope you’re enjoying the Galápagos, bye!  (Disconnects the call and sticks the phone back into pocket)

            Friend 2: Wait, the landlord’s on vacation and didn’t leave anyone in charge?

            Friend 1: Yeah, why?

            Friend 2: In case something like this happens!

            Friend 1: All I know is, I’m not responsible for anything in this entire building, and that’s how I like it.

           Friend 2: I guess, but in the meantime your apartment might get flooded or the walls and floors could all rot out, collapsing the entire place and then you’d be homeless for who-knows-how-long until your landlord gets their act together from the Galápagos to fix it!  Plus everyone else who lives here would be homeless too, just as a side note.

            Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) You make an excellent point.  (Walks past Friend 2 into the apartment, then after another few moments walks back out to the hallway, faces the wall where the water was heard, and begins to slam it with a sledgehammer)

            Friend 2: (Shielding head as debris flies by) Whoa!  Wait a second, what are you doing?!

            Friend 1: Taking matters into my own hands.  (Slam)

            Friend 2: I meant something more along the lines of calling the water company!

          Friend 1: There’s no time for bureaucratic red tape in this situation.  (One last slam reaches the wall’s innards: the rushing water can be heard louder, but not seen) Right.  (Walks into the apartment, then after a few moments walks back out to the hallway wearing a headlamp and carrying a bucket, duct tape, and a blowtorch) If I don’t come back in an hour, then call the water company.

            Friend 2: Wait – wait – wait – this is nuts, you need a plumber or – or –

           Friend 1: We need, as a society, to be able to resolve problems ourselves and not stand around helplessly waiting for someone else to save us.  (Crawls into the jagged hole in the wall)

            Friend 2: (Cups mouth to shout) At least the someone else would know what they’re doing!  (Mutters) Guess this means we’re not going to the bridal shower today.

59 MINUTES LATER

          (Friend 2 is sitting on the couch inside Friend 1’s apartment, constantly checking the time, when Friend 1 arrives)

            Friend 2: (Stands) You made it!  I was about to call 9-1-1 for a search-and-rescue.

           Friend 1: (Dripping from head to toe) Not necessary.  (Drops headlamp and supplies onto the floor) I believe the situation has been rectified.

            Friend 2: You actually sealed the pipe?

          Friend 1: Heh, no – I did battle with the raging rapids for eons, but there’re too many pipes that are too busted, they’re a lost cause.  No, instead I managed to track down the main shut-off valve for the building, and problem solved.  (Squeezes water out of hair)

            Friend 2: But now no one here has water!                                                                   

           Friend 1: Can’t have it both ways.  Besides, it may turn out that I’m the only one affected by all this – I never see my neighbors and not one even made an appearance during the hullaballoo, so I seriously question whether they’re even real.

Story 326: Celebrity Meet-and-Greet-and-Psychoanalyze

            (In the backstage green room for a talk show, that day’s celebrity guest waits for an audience member who had won a pre-show meet-and-greet)

            Celebrity: (Sitting on the couch and talking on the phone) Don’t worry, they screened this one and there’re no prior convictions or arrests…. They also checked her social media and she’s not too far out there…. Well, yeah, she is a bit obsessed but more with my career than with me personally – no worse than some of the others, and at least she hasn’t been hanging around the house peering in the windows, right?... I’m kidding, hon, I know we’re lucky that hasn’t happened yet!... I’ll be fine, Security’s right outside the door if she turns out to be a wild card, but I’m thinking it’ll be a bit of the usual fan-girling, we take some photos, she goes back to her front-row seat out in the audience, and it’s on with the show!... Yes, I’ll make sure to get -----’s autograph for you this time.  (There is knocking on the door) Oh, that’s them, gotta go – love you, bye!  (Disconnects the phone and stands, beaming widely) Come on in!

            (An assistant for the show opens the door and escorts the contest winner inside; an imposing security guard stands discreetly behind them in the corridor)

            Assistant: And here is our winner of the Meet-and-Greet!  (Slightly shoves Fan forward)

            Celebrity: (Shakes Fan’s hand) Welcome!  Lovely to meet you!

            Fan: (Head down, staring at the floor) Hi.

         Celebrity: …So, would you like something to drink, or snack on?  They said we can have anything we like here – coffee, tea, spring water, fall water, heh-heh-heh…?

            Fan: Nothing for me, thank you.

            Celebrity: …Right!  (To Assistant) I think we’re all set here, thanks!

          Assistant: OK; I’ll come back 15 minutes before start time.  (Behind Fan, Assistant mouths “Call us if she gets – ” and mimes going bonkers)

          Celebrity: (Waves off Assistant) That’s fine – thank you!  (Assistant leaves and closes the door; Celebrity looks back at Fan, smiling all the while as Fan still stares at the floor) Well!  Let’s have a seat, shall we?  (Gestures to a chair while sitting on an adjacent one; Fan sits gingerly) So! Congrats on the win – VIP treatment and all that – and so glad you could make it to the show today, I really appreciate you coming out here to support my new movie, especially this one, it was a real passion project.

            Fan: (Still looking down) Oh.  Thank you.  I mean, you’re welcome?

            Celebrity: (Laughs) So, mind if I ask you a few questions?

            Fan: Ummm, me?

          Celebrity: Yeah, mixes things up a little for me, especially right now on the old press tour, know-what-I-mean?

            Fan: Oh, yeah.

            Celebrity: Yeah… so, um, what do you do?  For a living, or just, you know, day-to-day?

            Fan: Oh, uh, I work in I.T.

            Celebrity: Oh, that’s great!

            Fan: It really isn’t.

           Celebrity: Ah.  (Drums fingers on the arm of the chair for a bit) Sorry, I don’t want to make this awkward, but seeing as I’m going to be simultaneously on stage and on screen in about half an hour, and you know how vain we performers all are, could you tell me – (Gestures around head) do I have something on my face that needs tending to?

            Fan: (Split-second peeks) No.

            Celebrity: You sure?  No stray gray hairs or sudden acne or hideous spots that’ll be magnified 1,000% by the cameras?

            Fan: Nope, you're good.

         Celebrity: Well, that’s a relief – it’s just from the way you were avoiding looking at me I thought I had something horrible going on that no one wanted to tell me about.

            Fan: (Finally looks up fully) Oh, sorry – guess I was being rude.

           Celebrity: Not at all!  This whole environment can be a bit nerve-wracking, even if you’re used to it – for instance, I just know I’m going to say something out there that everyone’ll hate me for by tomorrow, so it’s all good.

            Fan: (Solemnly) I would never.

            Celebrity: Oh, cheers.

            Fan: (Sighs) I’m sorry, I’m not being a good guest at all, it’s just….

            Celebrity: (Waits) Go on.

            Fan: Well, it’s – this is embarrassing – I was so excited to meet you today, and really nervous, and then, I had a dream about you last night.

            Celebrity: (Frozen smile and wide eyes) Oh?

            Fan: Oh don’t worry, it wasn’t gross or anything.

            Celebrity: Of course not.

            Fan: It’s just that, you’re an actual human being, not some character, and also you’re married and have kids, and the dream I had of you was really nice, for me, and now I feel like I exploited you or something.

            Celebrity: Oh, no worries; it wasn’t real, you know?

            Fan: I know, but it still feels like I invaded your privacy.

            Celebrity: It can’t have been as bad as all that – what happened, if I may ask?

          Fan: Well, it’s a bit jumbled now – you sure you want to hear someone trying to describe a dream they only half-remember?  I wouldn’t.

            Celebrity: Too late: if I’m starring in it, I have to know what happened.

            Fan: OK, um, it was one of those where you’re in a movie you’ve just seen – I mean, I was in one of your movies, from this year –

           Celebrity: Hang on – I’ve got three movies the studios all released at the same time, so is it the legal drama one or the murder mystery one or the comic superhero one?

            Fan: The comic superhero one.

            Celebrity: Ah, my bread and butter.  Proceed.

           Fan: OK, so I was in it, but not any scene I remember from the movie, just kind of rushing around, and then you were there – well actually, your character was there –

            Celebrity: (Leaning on hand in interest) Of course.

            Fan: And, I forget how, but we wound up sitting on some steps somewhere, and I was hugging you from behind, and then started slowly rocking you back and forth, like I was comforting a child, know what I mean?

            Celebrity: Mm-hm.  And then what?

            Fan: And that’s it.

         Celebrity: That’s it?  That’s not so bad – I’ve heard much worse, believe me.  (Shudders)

          Fan: I guess, but when I woke up all I kept thinking was how it felt nice for me at your expense.

            Celebrity: No worries – I’m fine.

            Fan: I also realized that, if it had been real, or at least a real person, I’d be thinking it felt nice but he’d be thinking, “OK, you can stop now.”

           Celebrity: Well, if anyone thought that then you shouldn’t be wasting your time with them.  Are you in a relationship now where you think they feel that way?

         Fan: No, but I’m afraid of getting stuck in one and not realizing it until way after the resentment’s set in.

            Celebrity: Well, all I can say is, you’ll either meet the love of your life like I did and put up with each other’s peccadillos, or you’ll do just fine on your own.

            Fan: Thanks.  Not to sound like a stalker, but I like how you guys seem to have such a stable life – your family seems awesome.

            Celebrity: They certainly are, which is why I’m seriously considering flying back home after the show today and skipping out on the rest of the press tour, I miss them so much.

            Fan: Good for you!  I hardly watch these things myself – I’m gonna go see the movie anyway, so why bother with all this extra advertising?

            Celebrity: That’s what I said!

            (Knock on the door, then Assistant enters)

            Assistant: Fifteen minutes!  (Mouths to Celebrity “Need the cops?”)

            Celebrity: Thank you, be right out!  (Assistant leaves; Celebrity and Fan stand) So, our time’s unfortunately up – wait a minute, I forgot to ask if you wanted any swag from the movie that I can sign for you, shoot!  (Starts frantically going through a case of tie-in merchandise and tossing items onto the couch)

            Fan: It’s OK, I don’t need any of that – I don’t even need the photo with you.

            Celebrity: Huh?

            Fan: This whole situation got me thinking: it’s really unfair that you’re made to feel like you owe people forced interactions, when it should be that you do your performance, we pay you to watch it, The End.  Instead you also have to do stuff like this, make small talk with randos who’ve dug up a lot more of your personal information than you’ll ever learn about us, which puts you at an extreme disadvantage in almost every conversation and makes you have to be polite and pleasant and “on,” all the time, even to people who are being extremely rude and inconveniencing you and your family and friends.

            Celebrity: Oh.  Well, it is part of the job when you start making an extremely large amount of money.  I don’t mind.

            Fan: Is it?  And don’t you?  I mean, it must be weird going from just being known by your small inner circle to total strangers stopping you everywhere so you can’t even go out to dinner anymore.  I’d feel penned-in, and scared some psycho’d think they were in love with me and owned my life when they hadn’t even known my name a few years ago.  And all because you’re an entertainer and like to make people laugh, and cry, and think, and try to make the world just a little bit better.

            Celebrity: (Near tears) Finally!  Someone who gets it!