Story 301: Spider Protection Services, LLC

            (Homeowner answers a knock on the door)

            Homeowner: (Upon seeing visitor is a human-sized spider) Uhhhhh….

            Spider 1: Hello friend!  I am here to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to protect your home and keep yourself healthy and free of all kinds of pesky critters and vermin!  Today only, you can have complete home security installed with Spider Protection Services, LLC – absolutely free!

            Homeowner: Uhhhhh….

           Spider 1: No fees, no contracts – this requires literally no action on your part!  Now how can you pass up an offer like that, hm?

            Homeowner: Uhhhhh… it sounds like a racket.

          Spider 1: It totally does, but it totally isn’t!  I’m telling you, friend, you can’t beat a living arrangement like this!

            Homeowner: “Living arrangement?”

           Spider 1: Yes indeedy!  All you have to do is let me and my crew set up shop in your abode and do our thing unmolested, and we’ll take care of the rest!

            Homeowner: The rest being…?

            Spider 1: Slaughter all the invaders who dare to cross your threshold, of course!

            Homeowner: What?

            Spider 1: Oh you know, the usual riff-raff: mosquitos, flies, fleas, ringworms, rats –

            Homeowner: WHAT?

           Spider 1: – the constant bombardment of the invading forces that never end, no matter how much insulation or caulk you think you surrounded yourself with.  It’s a nightmare, friend: one you no longer need suffer under.

            Homeowner: I don’t know… what’s the catch?

            Spider 1: There is none!  We only ask one thing in return: not to kill us.

            Homeowner: Not to kill you?  That’s it?

            Spider 1: That’s it!  You’re already doing it – like I said, it requires literally no action on your part.

            Homeowner: Huh.  Still sounds like a racket.

            Spider 1: I assure you it only sounds like one.

            Homeowner: All right: I’ll try it, and if I don’t like it I’ll just throw you all out.

          Spider 1: (Chuckles) Of course.  May I go ahead and place this on your door?  (Holds up a sticker)

            Homeowner: Uhhhhh, sure?

           Spider 1: Splendid.  (Slaps the sticker that reads “Spider Haven” on the door, then turns to face the driveway) All right everybody, come on in!

            Homeowner: Wha – ?  (A stampede of human-sized spiders enter the house and immediately begin spinning webs in every corner) Wait-wait, there’re no… tarantulas or anything like that coming in, are there?

            Spider 1: Oh heavens no; we’re all the harmless-to-your-species kind. (Inspecting the rooms; to Homeowner) You live alone?

            Homeowner: Uh, yeah.

            Spider 1: Good.  (Points to the den)  You probably won’t be using that room anymore.

           Homeowner: Well, my sports equipment’s in there – (Spider 1 gives a look) Yeah, I haven’t touched them in a while.

            Spider 1: Splendid.  (A crash is heard in the bathroom) What’s going on in there?

            Voice: Nothing!

            Spider 1: Remember to leave the pipes, drains, and vents unobstructed, you all got that?

            Voices: Yes!

           Homeowner: (Looking up at a ceiling fan that is slowly being covered by a web) Uh, I actually was going to turn that on later today.

            Spider 1: You got air conditioning, don’t you?

            Homeowner: I try not to use it that much; I like the fan better.

            Spider 1: Start liking the air conditioning better.

            Homeowner: Oh.

            (Another crash is heard, this time from the kitchen)

          Spider 1: Excuse me; some of them haven’t entirely mastered the art of self-control yet.  (Heads into the kitchen) I said, “No cabinets!”

            Homeowner: (Stares at all the work-in-progress throughout the house) Hmm….

          (At night, Homeowner wakes up to hear a threatening conversation coming from the living room and gets up to investigate; in a corner by an armchair, two spiders watch a centipede caught in their web)

            Centipede: I swear, I’ll never come to this neighborhood again!

            Spider 2: Heh-heh, you got that right.  (Smacks drooling chelicerae together)

            Homeowner: (Turns on a light) What are you doing?

            (All three stare at Homeowner)

            Spider 3: What’s it look like we’re doing?

            Homeowner: I don’t know, I think you should let it go.

            Centipede: I agree!

           Spider 2: (To Homeowner) Listen pal, we gotta eat too, and this is what you agreed to – do you actually want this guy crawling around all over the place?

            Homeowner: (Shudders in disgust) Ew, no.  I don’t know why, but no.

            Spider 2: Exactly.  So we kill `em for you.

            Homeowner: No, wait, don’t kill it!

          Spider 2: (Sighs, takes out a phone, and selects a number; after a few rings) Yeah, we got a problem with the landlord.

            Homeowner: Huh?

            (Spider 1 enters from the kitchen)

            Spider 1: Well hello there!  What seems to be the issue?

          Spider 2: (Pointing to Homeowner) Humane Society here’s interfering with our business.

            Spider 1: (Uses a leg to guide Homeowner away from the scene) Now, now, I know it may be difficult for your kind to face something like this now that most of you’ve outsourced your hunting and gathering, but this really is completely natural and only to your benefit.

            Homeowner: (Tries to look back at the scene) But – it seems to be suffering –

           Spider 1: Is it?  Listen, the whole process is very quick with little-to-no cruelty, and we only consume the ones who get caught in our webs so really, it’s their own fault for not looking where they’re going.

            Homeowner: But –

            Spider 1: Tell me: do you like to eat hamburgers?

            Homeowner: (Chagrined) Yes.

          Spider 1: Uh-huh.  And considering the lifetime of captivity and, I imagine, horrific execution of the cattle involved, you still would eat the hamburger, yes?

            Homeowner: I usually don’t think about all that.

           Spider 1: Uh-huh.  Well now that you are, can you still tell me that what we do makes our food suffer?

            Homeowner: I guess not.

           Spider 1: Good.  (Looks back at the scene) There!  All done.  And your house will continue to be free of pests.

            Homeowner: (Turns to see Spiders 2 and 3 chowing down) I guess.

            (A crash is heard from the bedroom; Homeowner runs in with Spider 1 close behind, and they see that the bed is covered in one giant web)

            Homeowner: (Building up to a scream)

           Spider 1: (To spider on the web) Really, how many times do I have to say it: not in the high-traffic areas!

            Spider 4: (Freezes in mid-spin) What?  No one was here.

Story 300: Bocce Ball Hustlers

            (On a lazy Sunday afternoon at the bocce ball courts in a public park, two retiree regulars are at their usual intense competition)

            Retiree 1: (As they collect the balls after a match) Ha!  Beat you again.

            Retiree 2: I told you, my arthritis is acting up – it’s going to rain any minute, I don’t care how many clear skies you see!

            Retiree 1: Then how come you keep holding your non-throwing arm whenever you say that?

            Retiree 2: …That helps my throwing arm feel better.

            New Player 1: Mind if we join you?

           (Retirees 1 and 2 look up from collecting the balls to see New Players 1 and 2, who are several decades younger, decked out in sportswear, carrying a case of their own bocce balls, and standing at the opposite end of the court)

            Retiree 1: No thank you: we’ll be done in another round, and we don’t like change.

            Retiree 2: Yeah, buzz off, children!

            New Player 1: (Laughs with New Player 2, then opens the case and lets the balls drop to the ground) Word on the street is you two are the reigning bocce champs `round here.

            Retirees 1 and 2: [Mutter half-disagreeing affirmatives]

            New Player 1: Care to put that to the test?

            Retiree 2: (To Retiree 1) Well, there it is: we can’t let a challenge like that stand, can we?

          Retiree 1: I don’t know – I’m getting tired and these two clowns may beat us just because of that.

            New Player 1: (Shouting from the other end of the court) What’s it gonna be?  (New Player 2 whispers into New Player 1’s ear; the latter nods) Gramps?!

            Retiree 1: (Narrows eyes) Oh, it’s on.

            (Retirees 1 and 2 trot to the other end of the court and all four stare at each other)

            New Player 1: Should we shake hands before we start?

        Retiree 1: Don’t touch me.  And since we’re the ones being challenged, I’m taking the prerogative of throwing the pallina.

            New Player 1: By all means.

            Retiree 1: (Tosses the pallina a good distance down the court, then gestures to New Players 1 and 2) Be my guest.

            New Player 2: Oh no, please: age before beauty.

            Retiree 2: Now why you gotta be so nasty?  (Retiree 1 has to restrain Retiree 2) Punk!

           New Player 1: (Batting away New Player 2, who also is trying to get in Retiree 2’s face) Just start the game already.

           Retiree 1: Gladly.  (Lines up the shot and gracefully throws the ball down the court, where it lands very close to the pallina)

            New Player 1: Not bad.  (Throws a ball that lands almost right next to the first)

            Retiree 2: My turn!  (Throws a ball so hard it lands out of bounds) Oops.

            Retiree 1: Arthritis, my foot.

            Retiree 2: It comes and goes.

           New Player 2: (Throws a ball that knocks away Retiree 1’s ball; Retirees 1’s and 2’s mouths drop open) Yessss!!!

            (Several passers-by stop to watch)

           Passer-by 1: (To Retirees 1 and 2) You better keep an eye on these two; they may dethrone you from your championship title, and humiliate you to boot.

           Retiree 1: (Glaring at Passer-by 1, a frenemy for the past 23 years) Yes, I’m well aware of that; thank you for pointing it out.

            New Player 1: (Holding up a ball) Shall we continue?

HOUR 2

            (A crowd has gathered around the court as the tournament shows no signs of abating)

          Crowd: (As Retiree 1’s ball lands seemingly equidistant from New Player 1’s ball) Ooooooh!

            New Player 2: Now what?

           Retiree 1: Don’t worry.  (Approaches the balls while pulling out a tape measure) I always carry one of these for just such an occasion.  (All four players approach the balls as Retiree 1 measures the two distances) Yep, mine’s closer.

          New Player 1: Let me see that!  (Grabs the measure and receives the same results; tosses it back to Retiree 1) Oh all right.

            Retiree 1: Best 19 out of 20?

            New Player 1: You’d better believe it.

HOUR 3

            (The encroaching mosquitos and whining dogs do not deter the growing crowd rooted in place around the court.  All four players are sweating and their arms are not circling as wide arcs, but none will be the first to call for a break)

            Retiree 2: Your ball’s out of bounds!  Knocking away the pallina doesn’t count!

            New Player 1: It does so!  The pallina was knocked away before the ball went out of bounds!

            Retiree 2: (To Retiree 1) What do the rules say?

            Retiree 1: How should I know?  We haven’t had to consult them in years!

            New Player 1: (To the crowd) I saw we do over!

            Crowd: (Mutters assent)

            Retiree 1: Fine.  (Waves a disgusted hand over the court for the others to re-set the pieces)

            (A park ranger approaches the group)

            Park Ranger 1: Folks, the park’s closing in half an hour.

            Passer-by 2: You can’t close now, we have to see how this ends!

            Passer-by 3: Yeah, it’s best 49 out of 50!

            Park Ranger 1: (Takes in the intensity of the scene) OK, just, uh – wrap it up soon.  (Joins the crowd to watch as the round begins again)

HOUR 4

            (A ball lands dangerously close to both the other team’s ball and the pallina)

            Crowd and Players: Arrrgggghhhhh!!!!

            Retiree 1: (To New Player 1, with a hoarse voice) Best 89 out of 90?

         (A park ranger truck pulls up next to the court and a voice blasts from the loudspeakers)

            Park Ranger 2: Park’s closed, you weirdos – everybody go home!

            Park Ranger 1: (Pops up from one end of the court) But it’s still a tie!

            Park Ranger 2: We’ve talked about this behavior before, now get in the truck!  And the rest of you, disperse before I turn on the flood lights!

          (The crowd scatters in all directions as the truck drives away; the four players stand uncertainly for a few moments)

           New Player 1: (Also with a hoarse voice) Wanna slip in another round before they come back?

           Retiree 1: Let’s call it a draw: I’m quite certain our arms will fly off if we throw one more time, and none of us are ambidextrous.

            Retiree 2: Ooh!  I am!  (Tries raising throwing arm and yelps in pain)

            Retiree 1: Knock it off.

            New Player 1: Until next time?  (Holds out opposite hand to shake)

         Retiree 1: (Does the same and they shake) Until then: you two will never beat us, but the game’s been getting boring lately and you’ve got the rest of your lives to practice.

            New Player 1: Perfect.  And we will never stop until we triumph!

            Retiree 1: That should keep us all busy for the rest of our lives, then.

Story 299: Why Don’t You Go Outside and Play? `Cause I’m Working.

(Co-Worker 1 and Co-Worker 2 are at their desks, side-by-side in a partitioned-off area of the main office)

Co-Worker 1: (Suddenly stops typing and stares off into space; to Co-Worker 2) You ever wonder, what’s the point of anything?

Co-Worker 2: (Stops typing and stares at Co-Worker 1) No, and I wish you wouldn’t either.

Co-Worker 1: (Looks up through the partition’s window) Uh-oh, Big Boss is headed this way.

Co-Worker 2: Great, and I’m not even halfway through my report that was due… (Looks at watch) yesterday.

Co-Worker 1: You certainly let that deadline get away from you.

(Manager enters from around the corner of the partition and immediately begins talking)

Manager: So, I suddenly realized what modern society’s problem is.

(Co-Workers 1 and 2 stare at Manager, then at each other, then back at Manager)

Co-Worker 1: Oh?

Manager: Yeah, it all boils down to one simple problem: nobody goes outside and plays anymore!

(Co-Workers 1 and 2 stare at Manager, then at each other, then back at Manager)

Co-Worker 2: Oh?

Manager: (Grabs a chair, rolls it over to them, and turns it backwards to sit) I mean, kids today –

Co-Worker 1: Oh, here we go.

Manager: Hear me out: kids today are all sitting in front of screens playing video games, watching TV, wandering all over unsavory places on the Internet, and typing entire conversations to strangers, they’ve forgotten how to walk and talk!

Co-Worker 1: While I agree that that’s the overall trend, I do see plenty of kids playing sports, riding bikes, causing mischief on the roads, and rampaging through playgrounds, so I must deem your argument fallacious.

Co-Worker 2: (Whips out a notebook and begins scribbling) Thanks for the new word – I’m going to try using it in a sentence today.

Co-Worker 1: Not too much, or it’ll lose its power.

Manager: All right, forget the kids; I mean, look at you two now!  (The two look down at themselves) Sitting there in front of your computers all day long, when there’s a whole big world of life out there – (Gestures randomly out there) begging to be lived!

Co-Worker 1: Yeah, but we’re… working…?  Am I missing something?

Manager: You see!  Always an excuse!

Co-Worker 1: What?!

Co-Worker 2: Aren’t we being paid to sit in front of computers all day long?  Isn’t that what the company wants from us?

Manager: Well, it’s time you two took a break.  (Stands to reach the power cord where both computers are connected and rips the plug out of the wall)

Co-Worker 1: (Gasps in horror at the now-blank screen) A cold shut-down!

Co-Worker 2: (Also gasps in horror at the now-blank screen) My overdue report!  And I haven’t hit “Save” in 20 minutes, like a fool!

Manager: (Twirls the cord) You can thank me later.

Co-Worker 2: Can I actually remind you of this later when you’re yelling at me for not submitting this until next week?

Manager: (Laughs maniacally) Silly billy.  (Grabs the backs of their chairs and wheels them out of their section of the office) And away we go!

Co-Worker 2: (To Co-Worker 1) Should we run for it?

Co-Worker 1: Nah – I kind of want to see where this is going.

(Manager wheels them to the elevator, wheels them out when they arrive at the ground floor, wheels them through the lobby and out the front door as everyone else there watches uncomprehendingly, wheels them to the park next door, and collapses when they arrive at a playground filled with toddlers and their adult guardians)

Manager: (Lying on the soft hard-top, panting and pointing at the playground) All right – there it is – go play.  (Lets hand fall)

(Co-Workers 1 and 2, the toddlers, and the guardians all stare at each other for a few moments, then Co-Workers 1 and 2 simultaneously stand, life Manager up by the arms, and set the body on one of the office chairs.  Co-Worker 1 wheels that chair off the playground while Co-Worker 2 follows, dragging the other chair behind)

Co-Worker 1: (Stopping the group on a paved trail) You know, we appreciate the effort and all, but I don’t think we can just go… play over there, with all of… them.

Manager: (Recovered, but still seated) Whyever not?  There’s not sign saying that!  There’s no law!

Co-Worker 2: I think there might be.

Manager: Ridiculous!  Everyone’s always complaining how they miss their childhood when they played all the time, and here I am, literally throwing you two into play time, and you’re just standing there like a bunch of old people!

Hiking Able-Bodied Senior Citizen: Hey!

Manager: People who let themselves get old!

Co-Worker 2: I see what you’re saying, and that kind of play was fun when we were kids, but now, well….

Co-Worker 1: Now we just don’t wanna.

Co-Worker 2: Exactly.  Somewhere through the years, it just stopped being fun.

Co-Worker 1: And I hate to say it, but right now I’m exhausted just looking at them.

Manager: (Stands in a fury) What are you two, 30 going on 300?

Co-Worker 2: You’re actually not supposed to ask us our age –

Manager: OLD!  You let yourselves get old!  Well my late-middle-aged self refuses to, do you hear me?!  (Runs to an unoccupied sandbox, dives in, and uses a shovel to fill a bucket while weeping)

Co-Worker 1: You think the office’ll miss us if we hang out here a little while longer to keep an eye on things?

Co-Worker 2: I think we have a moral obligation to ensure our boss’s physical and mental well-being, and we’re only doing our duty in staying out here in this fresh air, green grass, shady trees – (Co-Workers 1’s and 2’s eyes begin closing) humming insects, sleepy breeze – ooh, look, there’s a nice comfy bench right over there, just waiting for us to take a nap on it!

            Co-Worker 1: (As they both trot over to the bench) Sweet.  My legs are killing me.