Story 487: A Questing Party of Nerds

(In a basement, five players sit around a table where a game board, pieces, guides, and varied-sided dice are set up; all the players except one are wearing capes, long tunics, large hats, and/or gauntlets)

Player 1: (Speaking from over the top of a stand-up game guide perched on the table) Welcome, Fellow Travelers.  Tonight, we continue our quest to find the treasure, slay the noxious beasts, fight for the downtrodden, oppose the overhyped bullies, cast some really cool spells, and maybe reform a few enemies along the way.  (The others nod) But first!  Allow me to introduce the newest member of our noble party, one who seeks adventure and longs for redemption in the doing of honorable deeds – recovering jock and nerd-in-training, Gary.

Players 2-4: Hi, Gary.

Gary: Hi everyone; thanks so much for letting me join your worthy crew.  Although, I do prefer to be described as “Chaotic Neutral.”

Players 2-4: Oooooooh.

Player 1: Well-played, Gary: you will be an asset to our merry band of roguish do-wells.  And now, we will form your fleshed-out and three-dimensional character with the first roll of the die –

Gary: (Fumbles in jacket pocket) Actually, I brought a character I made myself a while ago, if that’s all right.  (Places a heavily armored figurine on the game board) This is Pine Nut, an elven wizard.

Player 2: (Gently touches the figurine) Neat; did you paint this yourself?

Gary: Uh-huh.  Took me weeks `cause I had to squeeze it in-between school and football practice, but totally worth it.

Player 3: (Leans closer and squints at it) And is that an actual steel sword?

Gary: Oh yeah – filed that down from a restaurant steak knife I lifted.

Player 3: Wicked.

Player 1: This is highly unorthodox, but in the interest of time in that our quest must advance at some point tonight, I will allow it.  What are your strengths, your skills, your weaknesses, and all that?

Gary: Oh, uh, let’s see: (Closes eyes and counts on fingers) teleportation, telekinesis, telepathy, impervious to fire and all diseases, only weakness is true love, but he cast a spell over himself to prevent that from ever happening so, yeah.  Oh, and he can bend all of nature to his will.

Player 4: Wooooow, Pine Nut’s invincible.

Player 1: Now hold on, he can’t have all those things!

Gary: Why not?

Player 1: Because he’s OP, that’s why not!  He’ll completely overwhelm everything in our path and be unstoppable!

Player 2: I actually wouldn’t mind having someone like that on our side for a change – I’m getting tired of having our butts constantly kicked.

Player 3: And handed to us.

Player 1: That’s the nature of the quest, my fellows; it’s never meant to be easy.

Player 4: Yeah, but unendingly difficult-to-impossible gets to be tedious.

Player 1: (Sighs mightily) Fine; when we start tonight, would you like me to retcon our recent resounding defeat at the hands of the castle guards’ children?

Players 2-4: YES!

Player 3: So embarrassing.

Player 1: (Scribbles some quick notes on a pad) All right, done: we’re reset back to where we’re on the road leading to the castle, and it’s no longer Take Your Child to Work Day.

Players 2-4: Yippee!

Player 1: And so, let us begin.  (Rolls all the dice and consults the stand-up game guide) As we travel along the well-maintained road through the verdant deciduous forest with our well-met new colleague and friend, Pine Nut –

Gary: (Picks the figurine up slightly off the game board) Howdy!

Player 1: – we see in the distance, approaching ever nearer, a colossal, fanged, tentacled, Druid of the Deepest Deep!  (Places a figurine on the game board that appears to be a kraken in robes) Our path to greatness is obstructed, friends: what shall we do?

Player 2: As an orc sorcerer who practices only moral and ethical magic, I cast a spell of truthfulness upon the being to determine whether Friend or Foe they be.  (Rolls two dice and gasps) They be Foe, and I be smited with an energy-draining blast!

Players 3-4 and Gary: Alas!

Player 1: (Writing notes) Alas indeed, for as you take the hit to your powers, we discover that the Druid of the Deepest Deep has the fiendish purpose to not only foil our quest, but to destroy our very souls!  So, who wants to go next?

Player 3: A human knight of the realm is what’s called for here!  Harken to me, Deepest Druid: I challenge ye to a joust!  (Rolls one die) Oh drat, neither of us have horses.

Player 1: It’s all right; you can roll for an archery contest instead.

Player 3: Thanks.  Oh ho!  I challenge ye to demonstrate your skill with the bow then, foul fiend!  (Rolls five dice, then tilts head to peer at all the numbers) I think that means I lost everything.

Player 1: (Writes notes) Nah, just all your arrows.  Tough break, though.

Player 4: Fear not, brethren!  For I, the halfling traveling troubadour, will lull this inconvenient menace into a state of slumber with a song sung from the purest heart!  (Rolls three dice, then whips out a guitar and starts playing to the tune of “Greensleeves”) <What cad is this/ Who foils our quest – >

Player 1: This is not open mic night – keep your head in the game!

Player 4: (Stops playing and sets aside the guitar) Right, sorry.

Player 1: (Consults notes) It seems that music has the opposite of the intended effect on the Druid of the Deepest Deep, who instead now prepares to EAT US ALL!

Players 2-4 and Gary: Oh, no!

Player 1: We turn to our newest member: oh gallant Pine Nut, what shall ye do, what shall be done?

Gary: Let’s see…. (Thinks for a few moments) OK: I read the Druid of the Deepest Deep’s mind and discover that they just need directions back to the ocean, and I teleport them out there.  Mightily.  (Rolls four dice) Yessss!!!!  Right on the hedrons!

Player 1: …What?!

Player 2: Huh, we probably should’ve led with that.

Player 1: No, no, no, that makes no sense in-game – if the Druid of the Deepest Deep blighted our path simply to ask for the way back home, then why did they first appear as Foe to destroy our souls, hm?

Player 3: Yeah, and why bother with the contest bit?  I lost my whole inventory of arrows!

Gary: (Rolls three dice) Druid was bored and just messing with you.

Player 3: Unbelievable!  Now I have to go back to dagger-throwing until I get arrows again and I don’t have the Agility for that!

Gary: Want me to sell you some?

Player 1: No, Gary!  This is exactly the problem I’d said we’d have – Pine Nut is too OP!

Gary: Sorry, I’m a little out of touch with the lingo: what’s “OP” again?

(The rest stare at Gary in shock)

Player 1: (Through gritted teeth) Over.  Powered.

Gary: Ah, got it.  Wait a second, just because my guy has all the cool powers doesn’t mean that’s a bad thing, right?  Now you can win all of your quests!

Player 1: There’s no point in any of it if all you have to do is steamroll over our enemies!  The struggle is the journey is the destination!

Player 4: And conflict is the essence of drama.

Player 1: Keep the theater overlap to a minimum, please.

Gary: (To Player 1) Well, what do you have to bring to the literal table, then?

Player 1: I’m a dragon wizard – basically a god to you all and your fates are in my claws.  Although most of the time, I’m just the narrator.

Gary: Fine, you want my guy to be weaker?  (Grabs six dice and rolls harshly) There: Pine Nut has lost his ability to teleport, read minds, and vanquish the common cold.  Happy?

Player 1: (Writes some notes) It’s a start, but there’s always room for improvement.

Player 2: (Stands and stretches) Maybe we should call it quits for tonight; I think we got a lot done, though.

Player 1: Your definition of “a lot” and mine differ quite enormously.

Player 3: (Stands with Player 4) Yeah, we should get going, too – we’ll pick up the quest right at the castle gates next week, sound good?

Player 4: Can I recite my freestyle sonnet to befuddle the guards this time?

Player 1: That’s for the dice to determine – but probably not.

Player 4: Drat.

(Players 2-4 leave)

Gary: (Pockets the elven wizard figurine and stands to leave) Well, this has been the most fun I’ve had in a while – thanks again for inviting me.

Player 1: (Packs up the game board and accessories) Of course.  And don’t take what happened with your character personally: as leader of our mental journeys here, I have a responsibility to maintain the integrity of the game.  Otherwise, it’s a free-for-all and we’d never get anywhere.

Gary: Understood.  (The two stare at the now-empty tabletop for a few moments) So… see you in the office tomorrow?

Player 1: I should hope so – your annual evaluation’s still on my calendar for 11:00.

Story 486: Easter Blizzard

Relative 1: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to snow on Easter Sunday, right?  Really badly.

Host: (On the phone) I did hear that vile rumor, and I refuse to lend it any credence: unlike the rest of the world, including the Equator, our area’s had zippo snow this winter, and I absolutely reject buying into the circulating gossip that our one and only blizzard this go-round will arrive post-post-season in the middle of April!

Relative 1: Well, believe it or not; either way, nobody’s showing up at your house for dinner that day.

Host: I’ve got 15 pounds of ham here!  And all that charcuterie!

Relative 1: Maybe save it for Mother’s Day?

Host: You’re no help.

 EASTER SUNDAY

(Host wakes up suddenly, jumps out of bed, runs to the window, throws back the curtains, and takes in the winter wonderland continuously buried by sideways snowfall)

Host: Holy heavens – how is he supposed to rise in this?!

(Some time later, Host is awkwardly shoveling the driveway in a losing battle when the cell phone rings.  Flinging the shovel away and using teeth to tear off a glove, Host unzips several layers of coats to take the phone out of an inner pocket)

Host: (Screaming against the ice-ridden wind) HELLO?!

Relative 1: (Relaxing on an armchair with feet propped up on a cushioned stool in front of a roaring fire, and sipping hot tea) Don’t tell me you’re actually shoveling out your driveway for nonexistent guests.

Host: NOT EVERYONE CANCELLED!

Relative 1: Yeah, bet they’re the same ones who didn’t bother to tell you they were coming in the first place, either.

Host: …IT WAS ASSUMED THEY WERE!

Relative 1: Wait until the snow’s over to shovel it all out; just go back inside and enjoy your ham, `cause I know you cooked it anyway.

Host: IT WAS ALREADY DEFROSTING!

Relative 1: I hear ya.  Whelp, Happy Easter to you – don’t throw out your back.

Host: HAPPY EASTER TO YOU – (The wind almost blows the phone away; Host scrambles to get it back) TOOOOOO!!!!!

Relative 1: (As both end the call) Poor sap.  (Takes a nap)

(After finally realizing that the snow being shoveled is replaced immediately, Host re-enters the house, throws the coats, boots, gloves, and hats into the laundry room, slams the door, and enters the kitchen to check on the ham)

Host: (Opens the oven door) Roast, my lovely, roast.  (Hears the cell phone ringing inside the laundry room) Shoot.  (Slams shut the oven door and flings open the laundry room door to paw through the coats until the phone is found and answered) Hello?

Relative 2: Hey, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the fam and I aren’t going to make it there today.

Host: I figured.

Relative 2: Yeah, just can’t get going today for some reason.  Sorry also for calling so last-minute – everybody else is already there by now, I bet.

Host: (As the house shudders with a giant blast of wind) No, not really.

Relative 2: Ah, well, you always get a few cancellations at these get-togethers, that’s how it goes.  Happy Easter anyway, and Happy Spring!  (Ends the call)

Host: (Stares at the silent phone) Was that one calling from the Sun?!

(Later that afternoon, after ham dinner-for-one, Host lies on the couch while watching the wintry outdoors; the snowdrifts are now climbing up the windows)

Host: (Unwraps a chocolate bunny and bites off the head) My poor pansies.  (CHOMP) Poor birds.  (CHOMP)  Poor trees, poor grass, poor flowers, poor spring babies.  (CHOMP)  Poor ham, poor appetizers, poor desserts.  (Finishes the bunny and smacks lips in satisfaction) Ahhhh… at least one thing went right today.  (Looks again out the window, which is nearly a wall of white) Well, guess we’ll just have to look forward to a summer of 100°F for months on end to make up for this.

Story 485: When Meet-Cute Fails

(In a café, Protagonist 1 and Protagonist 2 sit at a table having hot cocoa)

Protagonist 1: (Smacks lips after an especially satisfying slurp) You know something?  I wanna have a meet-cute.

Protagonist 2: (Pauses before drinking) That came out of nowhere – what brought this on?

Protagonist 1: Well, my life is boring for one thing.  I go to work, do the same thing for more than a third of the day, deal with the same people and the same garbage, squeeze in errands, come home, eat the same bad dinner, watch the same meaningless shows, go to sleep way too late, repeat.  And weekends are extended nights.  And sometimes I meet up with you like this, but even that’s routine.  It’s boring!

Protagonist 2: Gee, thanks.  So what’s the other thing?

Protagonist 1: What?  Oh, no, that pretty much covers it.  (Slurps again)

Protagonist 2: And you think meeting some stranger’ll liven up your life, is that it?

Protagonist 1: Not just “some stranger”: THE ONE.

Protagonist 2: Yeech.

Protagonist 1: And I want it to be a meet-cute, so that way I’ll know it’s for real, and it’ll be so exciting and special, and my life’ll finally starting being awesome!

Protagonist 2: I repeat: yeech.  Maybe it’s fun to watch in movies and TV, but that’s all scripted – things never actually happen that way in real life.

Protagonist 1: Well, I’m just going to have to make it happen then, won’t I?  Starting with…. (Looks around the café until settling at the counter) that barista.

Protagonist 2: (As Protagonist 1 stands) Oh no, leave that poor person alone, don’t you remember when we worked in retail?  No one there really wants to talk to the customers!

Protagonist 1: Nonsense!  Some of them thrive on the interaction, and this one looks lonely.  (Walks to the counter)

Protagonist 2: (Mutters into the cocoa cup) Looks disgusted with life to me.

Protagonist 1: (To Barista, who is wiping down the counter) Hi there!

Barista: (Pauses in wiping and stares at Protagonist 1 with blank eyes) How can I help you?

Protagonist 1: (Leans on the counter in an attempt to be flirty; Barista stares at the spot being leaned on, which had been cleaned two seconds earlier) I just wanted to say, you made an absolutely delicious cup of cocoa.  You’re really good at the culinary arts, you know that?

Barista: (Returns to wiping, more vigorously than before) Thanks, but I didn’t make your drink; I was ringing up orders for the past hour while the others made the drinks, warmed up the sandwiches, baked the cookies, heated the soup –

Protagonist 1: (Stands up straight again) Oh, got it.

Barista: (Wipes harder, speaking to the counter) – sliced the bagels, toasted the bagels, buttered the bagels, refilled the milk, restocked the coffee, received the deliveries, cleaned the machines, mopped the floor –

Protagonist 1: (Having returned to the table and sat down across from Protagonist 2 again) Well, that was a bust.

Barista: (Going into the kitchen) – day in, day out –

Protagonist 2: Told you.  You can’t really form a sincere connection with someone in customer service while they’re working; they’re already at a disadvantage since they’re being paid to fulfill your every whim anyway.

Protagonist 1: Don’t make it gross.  It’s fine, I’ll think of something.

Protagonist 2: Whatever – have fun while I sit this out.

 THE NEXT DAY

(On a highway, Protagonist 1 drives to work)

Protagonist 1: (Singing the wrong lyrics while the radio plays) <And I, I don’t want to keep doooooing this, anymooooooore!!!!  Why – >  WHOA!  (Slams on the brakes when the car in front stops short, and is rear-ended by the car in back) Aw, nuts!  (Turns back sharply and sees a subjectively attractive driver in the other car, then signals to pull over) Ooh-ooh, this may be it!  (Pulls onto the shoulder, then tries to subtly fix hair in the rearview mirror and check breath as the other driver also pulls over, exits the car, and walks to Protagonist 1’s door) Stay calm, be cool, let the Meet-Cute commence!  “So sorry, that was entirely my fault” – “Oh no really, it was my fault, let me take you out to dinner to make up for it” – (Lowers window as Driver arrives) Hi there, so –

Driver: What’s the big idea, slamming on your brakes like that?!  I’m gonna sue you for negligent driving and attempted vehicular homicide; you better have insurance but I bet someone like you doesn’t, you irresponsible, stupid –

Protagonist 1: You obviously were tailgating me and that car over there is a witness.  (Driver turns to see a third car had pulled up next to them; the occupants wave at the other two, and Protagonist 1 waves back)

Driver: (Turns back to Protagonist 1) I –

Protagonist 1: (Takes out a phone) I suggest you get back in your car and wait for the police to arrive – I doubt there’s any real damage to either of our cars; my insurance at least will cover it; and then we’ll be on our way.

Driver: You –

Protagonist 1: And the helpful witnesses here are blocking you in, so don’t even think about leaving if, for some reason, you don’t have insurance.

Driver: (Face twitches a bit) I’m going back to the car.  (Returns to the car and collapses on the steering wheel to weep)

Protagonist 1: (Waiting while the phone rings) Well that was certainly a Meet-Ugly.  (Gives a thumbs-up to the other car’s occupants, who thumbs-up back)

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a bank, Protagonist 1 waits on the long line for the one teller available)

Protagonist 1: (Softly whispers) So bored, so bored, so bored –

(Suddenly, three people burst into the bank with faces covered in soft stockings and small weapons aloft)

Bank Robber 1: All right everyone, down on the ground, this is a robbery!  (Almost everyone else holds up their phones to film this) For the love of – (To Bank Robber 2) Take the phones first, then the wallets!  The rest of you, down!

Customer 1: (As everyone else lowers to the ground) Aw come on, you’re just supposed to take our money from the vault, not our money from our selves!

Bank Robber 1: You’ll get it back from The Man; meantime, gimme!  (Two of them start taking valuables from the customers and Bank Robber 3 gestures for an employee to open the vault)

Protagonist 1: (Smoothes hair back, then stands abruptly) I volunteer as hostage and sacrifice myself to save all these innocent people!

(Everyone freezes in confusion)

Bank Robber 1: What?  No; who said anything about hostages?

Bank Robber 2: Yeah, we’re in-and-out!  None of that taking-someone-home mess!

Protagonist 1: The police’ll be here any minute since that officer – (Points to one of the bank officers lying next to a desk) hit the panic button right as you all came in, so you need me if you want to get out of here in one piece!

Bank Officer: (Hisses at Protagonist 1) Hey!  Leave me out of this!

Bank Robber 1: (As the three resume the robbery) Cops aren’t going to get here for another… (Checks watch) seven minutes; we’ll be long gone by then; get back down on the ground and stop volunteering for danger, you nutter!

Protagonist 1: But who’s going to save you from your life of crime, and also teach you the true meaning of love?

Bank Robber 1: Huh?

Bank Robber 2: Yeah, we like our life of crime.

Protagonist 1: But wouldn’t it be more fulfilling if the stakes were higher?  You all torn between having to threaten and yet protect a helpless victim, and we’re strangers at first but then circumstances force us to learn more about each other’s pasts, and we bond despite our initial distrust and grow to care about one another, and then one day two or more of us suddenly realize that bond has deepened into something much more –

Bank Robber 1: Un – freaking – believable.

Bank Robber 2: Yeah – I think I saw that movie last week.

Bank Robber 3: (Running from the vault) Time’s up, we gotta go!

Bank Robber 1: Arrrrggghhhh!!!  (Points to Protagonist 1) YOU!  Just cost us half the cash literally lying around here!  (As the three back toward the exit) Can the rest of you we didn’t get to just toss your wallets over here, please?!

Customers and Employees: NO!

Bank Robber 1: Fair enough.  (The three run out the door and then exit the vestibule to the outside, where several police cars await them)

Lead Officer: Weapons and bags down, on the ground, hands over your faces!

Bank Robber 1: Drat.

(Inside the bank, the customers and employees gather around Protagonist 1)

Customer 2: (Patting Protagonist 1 on the back) Great job, that was a brilliant stalling tactic!

Protagonist 1: …Yes, my plan went exactly as intended.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a diner, Protagonist 1 and Protagonist 2 are having dinner)

Protagonist 2: Wow.  Sounds like your life’s gotten a lot more exciting lately; now I’m sorry I missed it.

Protagonist 1: I guess, but not really: everything reset back to zero afterwards, my life is still the same as it’s always been, and my meet-cutes have been absolute fails no matter how hard I try.

Protagonist 2: Yeah, that’s too bad.  (Takes a bite of the entrée and burns tongue) Ow.  You know, we had a meet-cute.

Protagonist 1: (Pauses mid-bite) What?

Protagonist 2: Back when we worked in the supermarket.  It was my first day, I had no idea what I was doing since orientation was only a five-minute video, and you came to my rescue with the cash register.  I never forgot it.

Protagonist 1: (Laughs self-consciously) Oh, that.  Well, you looked like you were struggling, and I felt bad for the new kid.  Turns out you also were fun to be around.

Protagonist 2: And we’ve been hanging out ever since.

Protagonist 1: Yeah....

Protagonist 2: Guess it got boring.

Protagonist 1: (Winces) Did I say “boring”?

Protagonist 2: A few times, yeah.

Protagonist 1: (Thinks for a bit) Does a meet-cute still count if one party takes a few years to realize that’s what it was?

Protagonist 2: I’m a big believer in “better late then never.”

Protagonist 1: Good, because apparently I take a while to figure things out.