Story 285: Chamomile Tea Is the Flippin’ Cure to Everything

            (In an office: Co-Worker 1 is typing as Co-Worker 2 shuffles in, bundled up from head to toe, with a red nose, glassy eyes, and a hanging-open mouth)

            Co-Worker 1: (Staring as Co-Worker 2 stiffly drops into the chair at the desk, does not remove any of the outer items of clothing, and turns on the computer) Don’t tell me you’re sick again.

            Co-Worker 2: All right, I won’t.  (Hacks up a lung)

            Co-Worker 1: Gross.  Are you at least taking anything for it?

            Co-Worker 2: There’s nothing to take, it’s a virus – if someone gives me antibiotics, it’ll just make the bacteria that survive even stronger than they already are.  They’re poised to take over the world any day now, in case you haven’t heard.

            Co-Worker 1: Whatever; why don’t you use a sick day, that’s what they’re there for, and you wouldn’t be contaminating my space with your pestilence.

          Co-Worker 2: I don’t have any more sick days: I used them all up with my never-ending illnesses.  I’m also late with a bunch of projects because, you know, all the days I took off.  (Holds stomach as it grumbles) Ugh – you might want to clear a path out of my way, if you know what I mean.

            Co-Worker 1: Ew-ew-ew!  I’ll be right back.  (Runs out)

            Co-Worker 2: Don’t blame you.  (Begins typing with two fingers, one key every five seconds)

           Co-Worker 1: (Returns several minutes later with a steaming mug and sets it on the desk under Co-Worker 2’s face) Here.  Drink all of this now.

          Co-Worker 2: (Leaning on one hand, turns green while staring at the mug) I literally can’t stomach any ingestibles at this time, I thank you.  (Pushes mug aside)

            Co-Worker 1: (Pushes mug back) Trust me.  It’ll fix everything.

            Co-Worker 2: (Raises an eyebrow) Everything, eh?  That’s a bold prediction.

            Co-Worker 1: Just drink it, you’ll thank me.

            Co-Worker 2: OK, but be forewarned: it may not be pleasant here within a minute.  (Gingerly sips beverage, smacks lips, and nods) Mild.  Hmmm, soothing.  Aaaand it’s staying put.  In conclusion: not horrific.

            Co-Worker 1: Drink more, and give it a minute.

            Co-Worker 2: Sure.  (Sips a bit more, resumes tapping keys, then stops) Hold on.

            Co-Worker 1: You feel it?

            Co-Worker 2: (Pats stomach several times, sniffs clearly through nose, and breathes freely for the first time since entering the room) The sick’s gone.  Where’s the sick gone?

            Co-Worker 1: Feeling much better, yeah?

           Co-Worker 2: “Better?”  “Better” is not the word – (Stands, flinging off heavy coat, gloves, and hat) I am feeling ASTOUNDING!

            Co-Worker 1: Told you.

           Co-Worker 2: (Downs the rest of the drink and sighs loudly) Yessss, I am cured!  Absolutely cured, hallelujah!

            Co-Worker 1: You’re welcome.

            Co-Worker 2: So what is this, a miracle drug you’ve been holding out on the world?

            Co-Worker 1: Nope, it’s just chamomile tea.

            Co-Worker 2: Get out.

            Co-Worker 1: Sometimes the non-prescription ways are the good ways.

            Co-Worker 2: I don’t believe it!  Tea?!  This – (Holding mug aloft) is no mere tea!  This is the cure to everything!!

            Co-Worker 1: I don’t know about everything; I just know it helps with nausea –

            Co-Worker 2: I must proclaim this panacea to the world!  (Dashes out of the office)

            Co-Worker 1: Oh dear.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

            Co-Worker 1: (Enters with New Co-Worker 2) And this is your desk; mine is right nearby if you need anything.

           New Co-Worker 2: Thanks.  (They both sit at their respective desks) Hey, this is where my predecessor sat, right?

            Co-Worker 1: Oh yeah.  (Begins typing)

            New Co-Worker 2: Have you heard from them lately?

            Co-Worker 1: (Swivels chair to stare at New Co-Worker 2, then swivels back to the computer to bring up a video) Oh, just this.

            (New Co-Worker 2 rolls chair over to Co-Worker 1’s desk to watch)

            (VIDEO: Former Co-Worker 2, a glowing picture of health, beams while facing the camera)

           Former Co-Worker 2: Hello out there, all you poor saps who suffer from illness, headache, nausea, soreness, pain, and all those other annoyances that plague us throughout the day.  Haven’t you ever longed for a cure-all pill that would take all that nuisance and chuck it out the window?  Well, long no more, because the answer you seek is not in pill form: (Holds up a steaming mug) it is the simple, modest, unassuming, taken-for-granted leaf-and-water combination that is CHAMOMILE TEA.  Just one sip, and what ails you will be utterly annihilated.  (Sips with closed eyes) This is all I ever drink now, and you should, too.  No more prescription meds all fighting each other and giving you more problems than you started with; no more constant discomfort with no end in sight; no more nothing!  And the best part is, no corporate sponsor, either: Chamomile Tea, available in the coffee and tea aisle of your local grocery store!  Take control of your life and start feeling non-sick today with this CURE TO EVERYTHING EVER!

            Voiceover: (While Former Co-Worker 2 continues to gulp down the tea) Warning: the preceding statements have not been verified by any medical authority.  Chamomile tea is not a tested or proven cure for cancer, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, neurological disorders, heart disease, stroke, aneurysms, hypertension, hypotension –

            Co-Worker 1: (Pauses video) This goes on for another 10 minutes, but you get the idea.

            New Co-Worker 2: Oh wow.  You know a celebrity!

            Co-Worker 1: Sadly, yes.

           New Co-Worker 2: Actually, my stomach’s been bothering me a lot today, what with the stress of starting a new job and finding a parking space and everything – you mind if I go make a cup of chamomile tea for myself?

           Co-Worker 1: Go right ahead.  (New Co-Worker 2 runs out; Co-Worker 1 addresses the paused video)  Not that I’ll ever see a dime from all this, when you never would have known about it if it wasn’t for me!  And you can’t make money off of something people already know about, and that you didn’t invent, and that a bunch of companies already manufacture!  (Stomach grumbles) Great, now I feel sick.

Story 284: Jury Duty Found Me at Last

(Friend 1 unlocks the apartment door and enters with Friend 2)

Friend 1: (Tosses keys onto the counter and distractedly sorts through mail) And the special effects were disgustingly awful!

Friend 2: Yeah, I’ve seen better, but I do feel bad going on about all the things we didn’t like about the movie when I know they did spend a lot of time, and effort, and money, you know, making it.

Friend 1: Well I don’t feel – (Freezes and widens eyes in mid-sort) Oh no.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no – oh –

Friend 2: What-what-what?!

Friend 1: It’s from the State Superior Court.

Friend 2: Heh, you going to jail at last or something?

Friend 1: No: worse.  (Dramatically turns over the envelope to show the all-caps letters)  JURY DUTY!!!

Friend 2: Aaaaahhhh!!!  Wait a minute, that’s not so bad, you might not even have to go in.

Friend 1: I haven’t gotten a summons in over five years; of course I’ll have to go in!

Friend 2: Not necessarily – five years, really?  How’d you manage that?

Friend 1: I don’t know!  I wish I did so I could keep on doing it!  Now they’ve found me again and there’s no way I can get out of it!

Friend 2: Well, you work at a rehab center, can’t you claim that patients’ lives are in your hands?

Friend 1: Only files are in my hands, not lives!  And I’m not a liar!

Friend 2: All right, then suck it up: almost everybody’s gotta do jury duty at some point, and you would want a jury of your peers if that were you on trial, wouldn’t you?

Friend 1: They’d never take me alive!  (Slumps onto the kitchen table and drops head onto arms)

Friend 2: (Picks up the summons that had fallen onto the floor) Guess it could be worse – it’s usually a few days out of work that you should still get paid for; just bring a bunch of books to keep you busy.  Of course, they could wind up calling you to sit on a trial for something really bad, and you could be there for months.

Friend 1: (Voice muffled by arms) Thank you for that visual.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

            Friend 2: (On phone) So, how’d voir dire go?

            Friend 1: (On phone) The what-in-the-what-now?

            Friend 2: You literally just sat through the explanation of it today.

            Friend 1: You know I never retain anything!

            Friend 2: Fine; so, how’d everything go today?

            Friend 1: They called my name with the first group and now I’m on a murder trial for the next I-don’t-know-how-long.

            Friend 2: Oh wow.  They wouldn’t let you out of it because of work?

          Friend 1: I panicked when they were questioning me and told them work would be all right with it.

            Friend 2: Why’d you say that?

           Friend 1: You weren’t there, man!  You don’t know what it’s like to be interrogated, with the sweat pouring down your back and all these law people staring at you!

            Friend 2: OK, so what did work say?

            Friend 1: Oh, they’re fine with it – they think it’s cool, those sickos.

           Friend 2: Then I guess there’s nothing left to do except serve on the jury with everyone else there.  Is it a case I’ve heard about?

           Friend 1: That’s the worst part about this whole ordeal: I’m not allowed to talk about any of the details while it’s going on `cause it might lead to a mistrial and they’d have to do it all over again.  The enforced silence is driving me bonkers!

            Friend 2: True, but if they had to do it again at least they’d do it without you.

          Friend 1: Oooh, you make an excellent point…. Nah, I’d probably be arrested for wasting resources and my taxes would go up.  You think they’d notice if I napped behind sunglasses the whole time instead?

            Friend 2: Yes.

            Friend 1: Drat.  Must think of something.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

            Friend 2: (On phone) Hey, how’s Juror #7 holding up these days?

           Friend 1: (On phone, in a hushed voice) Terrible.  Listen, I don’t have much time, but I wanted to let you know – we’re being sequestered!

            Friend 2: What?!

            Friend 1: The whole thing’s gotten very heated, and the lawyers and judge are all flipping out, and now they’re packing us off to a motel and taking our phones and everyone’s going to think I’ve been kidnapped!

            Friend 2: Heh-heh, you kind of are.  Legally.

            Friend 1: (To someone else) Two seconds; I’m bidding farewell to my blessed mother!

            Bailiff: (Heard faintly) You’re only going to the motel down the street.

           Friend 1: Just leave us be, Warden, why won’t you leave us be?!  (Back to Friend 2) The heat’s on; if you never hear from me again, tell the world my story!

            Friend 2: I don’t think the world cares.

            Friend 1: You’re probably right.

            Bailiff: Off the phone!

            Friend 1: Remember me to my followers!  (Disconnects)

            Friend 2: Oh bother.

ONE DAY LATER

            Friend 2: (Answers knocking door) What are you doing out?!

            Friend 1: Oh, didn’t you hear?  Trial’s over; guy totally did it; we just had to be shown beyond a shadow of a doubt before giving him the chair.  (Sweeps past Friend 2 and flops onto the couch to nap)

            Friend 2: (Slams door, waking up Friend 1) The chair?!

          Friend 1: Sorry, that’s just an expression we and the other 11 use – he’s just getting life in solitary without parole, so it’s just as bad as if he got the chair.  Or is it worse?  Who am I to judge?  That’s the judge’s job.

            Friend 2: (Sits next to Friend 1) So it’s all done and your life can go back to normal?

            Friend 1: Yeah, I guess – I’ll kind of miss it, though.

            Friend 2: How’s that now?

           Friend 1: Well, it was kind of fun when I first got the summons, and then there was the thrill of the selection process –

            Friend 2: What?!

           Friend 1: – and spending all that time day in and day out with the other 11, we really got to bond, you know?  I made some lifelong friends out of all this – a few of us are planning to get together to go waterskiing Memorial Day Weekend.

            Friend 2: What?!

           Friend 1: You can come, too; I told them all about you – we shared our stories and created a genuine, heartfelt connection I’ve never had with anyone else before in my entire life; it was truly amazing.

            Friend 2: You were supposed to be reviewing evidence for a murder trial!

           Friend 1: We did that too, but you can’t talk shop all day long, you know?  Gotta have interests outside of work.

Story 283: The Moon Did Not Appreciate the Landing

(Approximately 13 billion Earth years after the Big Bang/1,969^th orbit of the Earth during the human Common Era)

Earth: Ahem.  Say there, Moon?

Moon: [Oh, bother me] Hey Earth, how is… everything… with you lately?

Earth: Not so good, and getting worse with each rotation.  As I’m sure you’ve guessed.

Moon: Oh, it’s not so bad; from here I can’t even tell anything’s wrong.  Much.

Earth: Well, it’s better you can’t tell how epically the sentient apex predator experiment on this planet has failed.  Which brings me to why I caught your attention earlier.

Moon: Yeah, sure thing, what’s happening?

Earth: So, you know all that junk that’s been stuck in orbit around me lately?

Moon: Oh, well, one doesn’t like to point out such things, but yeah.  I have been getting a bit concerned about the increasing volume of it, actually: are your inhabitants going to be cleaning all that up soon, then?

Earth: Far from it: I wanted to warn you that those apes-with-airs are planning to climb into some sort of container and shoot themselves right out of my gravity for the sole purpose of landing on you.

Moon: Heh-heh-heh – what?  Are you serious?

Earth: Sadly, yes.

Moon: But how – I don’t understand, that shouldn’t even be theoretically possible, we’re too far away from each other for them to get halfway here!

Earth: Unfortunately, they figured out how to warp my materials to make stuff that’ll carry them fast enough and far enough to get them to you and back here to me without utterly obliviating them.

Moon: I don’t believe it.

Earth: They figured out the math.

Moon: Noooo, not the math!  Earth, how could you let them do this?!

Earth: Don’t pin this on me; they’ve been slowly killing me and every other living creature here for ages now – I’ve been a bit busy trying to maintain homeostasis in the face of that while simultaneously trying to figure out how to wipe them all out with as minimal collateral damage as possible.  They also don’t listen to me much.

Moon: This is a nightmare!

Earth: Tell me about it – I first was hoping that the damage to the air, land, and sea would at least preserve the microbes and the cockroaches, but that’s taking too long so now I’m banking on their insistence upon manipulating their own genetic building blocks to create a virus that would at least sterilize their entire species.  It would fit my sense of justice.

Moon: Oh Earth, you just know if they make it over here, they’ll completely destroy me with their junk!  And they won’t stop with that; you know Mars will be next!

Mars: Huh?

Moon: Go back to sleep; you’ve at least got a few more decades of peace left.

Earth: I’ll tip you off when they point their monstrosity in your direction; all I can say when they begin to break free from me is “Brace yourself.”

Moon: Ohhh, I wish I were a comet on my way out of this solar system!

(After the Moon landing)

Earth: Whelp, the interlopers splashed back down on me, safe and sound.

Moon: Oh, goody for them.

Earth: So, what’s the damage?

Moon: Let’s see, shall we?  They left behind their huge lander, some random pole with a piece of cloth jammed onto my surface, their footprints just everywhere, a bunch of other random garbage, and oh yeah, their flippin’ bacteria!  Which all died in my not-quite atmosphere, but still.

Earth: Bummer.

Moon: And to top it all off, those freaks actually took some of my surface back with them!  They didn’t even ask!

Earth: Heh-heh, “ask.”

Moon: I tell ya, Earth, I don’t know how you’ve put up with those destroyers for as many rotations as you have – I think I would’ve cracked open my surface and swallowed them all up long before now!

Earth: It ain’t easy, and it’s getting worse; a tiny percentage have a clue what’s happening and are trying to make things better, but the rest either overrule them or don’t care.

Moon: Just please don’t tell me they’re planning another trip up here.

Earth: Well….

Moon: Aaaaaahhhh!!!!  I can still see the stuff they used to fly over here, floating for eternity in our orbits!  I swear, the next one of them I see coming my way, I’m breaking orbit and crashing right into you!

Earth: Umm –

Moon: It’s for our own good, Earth!  Problem permanently solved, and we can start over, with us forming a whole new planet!

Earth: See, the thing is, Moon – and it’s a great idea, I’m all for it – the thing is, your crashing into me would definitely put a damper on all life here now, and I have a sneaking suspicion it also would push me out of orbit and we just might – might, mind you – crash into one of our chums out here and/or, perhaps… the Sun?  I’m just thinking worst-case scenario.

Moon: Argh, you’re right.  Although, now that you mention it: hey, Sun!  Hellloooo, Suuuuuunnnnn???!!!

Sun: (Distantly) Oh hi, Earth’s Moon, how are you?

Moon: (Grumbles) Earth’s Moon.  (Yells) Any chance of you going supernova anytime soon?!

Venus: “Supernova?”  Did I hear “supernova???!!!”

Mercury: I heard “supernova!”  What gives, Sun?!

Sun: (Chuckles) No, no supernova destined for me, and right now I’m growing into a red giant that’ll probably swallow up all of you, but that won’t be for awhile – I am still in my prime, you know.

Moon: (Mutters) Spawn of a singularity – (Yells) never mind thank you!

Sun: I can whip up a flare or a prominence, if you like?

Moon: Nope, we’re good here, thanks!  (To Earth) All-powerful star and absolutely no use whatsoever.

Earth: What are we going to do, Moon?  They keep repurposing my elements and shooting them out into space more and more as the years go by, and they’re also planning to send some junk to spy on everything way out there and beyond – and that’s just the beginning, they know once they’ve pretty much killed me they’ll need to track down another rock to infest, what if they find out about –

Moon: Ssh, don’t let them hear you!

Earth: Right.  Maybe they’ll never find it?

Moon: From what we know of them, it’s inevitable they’ll find it.  Maybe we’ll luck out and that invasion force next solar system over will make its way here and take care of the whole problem for us.

Earth: Oh, that would be lovely.  Pluto’s heard that once those folks wipe out the dominant species, they’re super-accommodating to the host planet.