Story 291: Jury Duty, Away We Go!

(Monday morning at the county courthouse.  Members of that week’s jury pool wander their way downstairs to the assembly room to spend the next several hours/days, waiting, waiting, and waiting)

Jury Pool Member 1: (To Jury Pool Member 2) Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?  (Points to an empty chair at a long table)

Jury Pool Member 2: (Briefly looks up from 1,000-page novel) Nope: all yours.

Jury Pool Member 1: Sweet.  (Sits, drops a huge camping bag onto the table, and unpacks a laptop, noise-cancelling headphones, video game console, pedicure tub, submarine sandwich, coffee maker, and an apple) Let me know if I’m in the way.

            Jury Pool Member 3: (To Court Employee at check-in) What do you mean I didn’t have to come in today?!

            Court Employee: Your number’s in the group that’s on-call so you didn’t have to come to the courthouse today; said so clearly on the phone message, Web site, e-mail –

            Jury Pool Member 3: So I took a day off from work for nothing?!

            Court Employee: Appears so.  (Hands back summons form) Enjoy.  Next!

           Jury Pool Member 3: (Stands off to the side of the line, staring at the summons) They didn’t need me to come in today… but work thinks I’m here… I have the rest of the day off… AND NO ONE KNOWS WHERE I AM!!!  (Runs out of the courthouse screaming in victory)

            Court Employee: (To the Jury Pool) Right, everyone’s now marked as “Present” so they don’t get arrested; here’s the video.  (The rest of the room watches a 10-minute video explaining their duties and demonstrating a trial acted out by an improv class, while Court Employee knits a sweater) Great, that's over; any questions?

            Jury Pool Member 4: (Raises hand) Yes, I –

           Court Employee: No?  Good; lunch is at 12:30; bye.  (Never rising from the chair, continues to knit while wheeling self over to the back office to mark off the beginning of another week on the monotony calendar)

            (Four hours later)

            Jury Pool Member 5: (To Jury Pool Member 6) This is the tenth time I’ve been summoned in two years – I think I may start a new career as a professional juror, help out the justice system with my expertise and all that.

           Jury Pool Member 6: I didn’t think it was legal to be summoned so many times in so short a time?

            Jury Pool Member 5: I move around a lot.

         Jury Pool Member 6: Oh, well, I hadn’t been summoned in over six years; I was getting bummed out `cause I thought they didn’t want me to perform my civic duty.

          Jury Pool Member 7: (Leans over to the other two) All I know is, they’d better not call my name to serve on a jury if they know what’s good for them.

            Jury Pool Member 6: What, will your job get mad at you for being here so long?

            Jury Pool Member 7: No – what?  No, I mean, they’d better not call me, `cause I’ll make them pay.  I hate juries.

            Jury Pool Member 5: I don’t know, it might be exciting to serve on one, you know, liven up things for a few minutes.

            Jury Pool Member 7: Ha!  If you don’t keel over from the boredom of “Voir DIEre,” then the sheer amount of lies streaming over you from all directions will surely crush you where you sit.

            Jury Pool Member 6: Well, I’d like a jury of my peers if that were me on trial.

         Jury Pool Member 7: Up until the moment they find you guilty; then you’re plotting your revenge.

            Jury Pool Member 6: Have you had a bad experience with jury duty, then?

           Jury Pool Member 7: Not with jury duty: with trial by jury.  Twelve randos deciding my fate, when they knew nothing about me and believed every story the lawyers on both sides trotted out before them, all the way through the end?  That’s why you don’t hire people based on a two-minute interview and minimal training – you’re asking for disaster.

            Jury Pool Member 5: Wait, if you’ve been on trial, wouldn’t that make you ineligible to serve as a juror?

           Jury Pool Member 7: You would think so.  Ever since I got out, I’ve served 17 times in five counties and haven’t gotten kicked off once.  (Court Employee starts calling names for jury panels; Jury Pool Member 7’s name is read) Son of a – !  Whelp, here we go for trial #18 – time for my nap.

            Jury Pool Member 5: Have you tried emphasizing you’re an ex-con so you can get kicked off by…somebody?

            Jury Pool Member 7: I’ve thought about it, but I’m also sorely tempted by the $40 a day.

            (In a courtroom)

           Judge: (Looking out at the sea of faces, muttering under breath) Oh no, why did they call a hundred of them, I’ll never see the outside world again.  (Addressing the crowd) All right, let’s get this started and done as fast as humanly possible.  (Judge, lawyers, plaintiff, defendant, and court employees burst out laughing) Yeah, I needed that.

            (Two hours later)

           Judge: (To Jurors in the Jury Box) Now, the witnesses in this case are as follows: (Reads aloud five names) Do any of you know any of them?  (Juror 3 starts waving a hand) Yes?

           Juror 3: Well, actually, I mean, we work together – actually, I mean, we work in the same department – actually, I mean, we work in the same building – actually, I mean, I saw them once in the parking lot –

             Defense Lawyer: (Stands) Your Honor, I move that this juror be stricken from the courtroom!

             Judge: Granted.  (To Juror 3) You can get out of here now.

            Juror 3: Oh.  Oh, OK; thanks.  (Gathers items to leave and briefly turns to face the other jurors while smiling maliciously; in a low voice) SUCKAAAAAAHHHHHSSSSS!

                Jurors 1-2, 4-12: [Grinding teeth]

            (Back in the assembly room)

            Jury Pool Member 8: I don’t understand.

            Jury Pool Member 9: What, the whole jury selection process?

            Jury Pool Member 8: No, I mean I don’t understand why this couple would still sell the house when the interior decorator was able to get the renovations they’d wanted done?

           Jury Pool Member 9: What I don’t understand is why the same show has been on for the past six hours and not one person in this room, myself included, has had the gumption to change the channel.

            Court Employee: (Enters from the back office, still seated in the chair) All right, everyone – these guys here don’t need you anymore, so you can all go fly a kite.

            Jury Pool: Eh?

           Court Employee: Go home and never come back until we threaten you with jail time again three years from now.

            Jury Pool Member 10: (As everyone scrambles for the check-out line so they can leave) Wow, I’ve never gotten out of here after just one day; it’s a miracle!

          Jury Pool Member 11: Awww, they didn’t even call my name; I’ll never get a chance to determine justice and embody the ideals of democracy, never!

           Jury Pool Member 1: (Still at work and soaking feet; pulls off headphones when sees everyone else leaving) Done already?  But I'm not finished!

Story 284: Jury Duty Found Me at Last

(Friend 1 unlocks the apartment door and enters with Friend 2)

Friend 1: (Tosses keys onto the counter and distractedly sorts through mail) And the special effects were disgustingly awful!

Friend 2: Yeah, I’ve seen better, but I do feel bad going on about all the things we didn’t like about the movie when I know they did spend a lot of time, and effort, and money, you know, making it.

Friend 1: Well I don’t feel – (Freezes and widens eyes in mid-sort) Oh no.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no – oh –

Friend 2: What-what-what?!

Friend 1: It’s from the State Superior Court.

Friend 2: Heh, you going to jail at last or something?

Friend 1: No: worse.  (Dramatically turns over the envelope to show the all-caps letters)  JURY DUTY!!!

Friend 2: Aaaaahhhh!!!  Wait a minute, that’s not so bad, you might not even have to go in.

Friend 1: I haven’t gotten a summons in over five years; of course I’ll have to go in!

Friend 2: Not necessarily – five years, really?  How’d you manage that?

Friend 1: I don’t know!  I wish I did so I could keep on doing it!  Now they’ve found me again and there’s no way I can get out of it!

Friend 2: Well, you work at a rehab center, can’t you claim that patients’ lives are in your hands?

Friend 1: Only files are in my hands, not lives!  And I’m not a liar!

Friend 2: All right, then suck it up: almost everybody’s gotta do jury duty at some point, and you would want a jury of your peers if that were you on trial, wouldn’t you?

Friend 1: They’d never take me alive!  (Slumps onto the kitchen table and drops head onto arms)

Friend 2: (Picks up the summons that had fallen onto the floor) Guess it could be worse – it’s usually a few days out of work that you should still get paid for; just bring a bunch of books to keep you busy.  Of course, they could wind up calling you to sit on a trial for something really bad, and you could be there for months.

Friend 1: (Voice muffled by arms) Thank you for that visual.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

            Friend 2: (On phone) So, how’d voir dire go?

            Friend 1: (On phone) The what-in-the-what-now?

            Friend 2: You literally just sat through the explanation of it today.

            Friend 1: You know I never retain anything!

            Friend 2: Fine; so, how’d everything go today?

            Friend 1: They called my name with the first group and now I’m on a murder trial for the next I-don’t-know-how-long.

            Friend 2: Oh wow.  They wouldn’t let you out of it because of work?

          Friend 1: I panicked when they were questioning me and told them work would be all right with it.

            Friend 2: Why’d you say that?

           Friend 1: You weren’t there, man!  You don’t know what it’s like to be interrogated, with the sweat pouring down your back and all these law people staring at you!

            Friend 2: OK, so what did work say?

            Friend 1: Oh, they’re fine with it – they think it’s cool, those sickos.

           Friend 2: Then I guess there’s nothing left to do except serve on the jury with everyone else there.  Is it a case I’ve heard about?

           Friend 1: That’s the worst part about this whole ordeal: I’m not allowed to talk about any of the details while it’s going on `cause it might lead to a mistrial and they’d have to do it all over again.  The enforced silence is driving me bonkers!

            Friend 2: True, but if they had to do it again at least they’d do it without you.

          Friend 1: Oooh, you make an excellent point…. Nah, I’d probably be arrested for wasting resources and my taxes would go up.  You think they’d notice if I napped behind sunglasses the whole time instead?

            Friend 2: Yes.

            Friend 1: Drat.  Must think of something.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

            Friend 2: (On phone) Hey, how’s Juror #7 holding up these days?

           Friend 1: (On phone, in a hushed voice) Terrible.  Listen, I don’t have much time, but I wanted to let you know – we’re being sequestered!

            Friend 2: What?!

            Friend 1: The whole thing’s gotten very heated, and the lawyers and judge are all flipping out, and now they’re packing us off to a motel and taking our phones and everyone’s going to think I’ve been kidnapped!

            Friend 2: Heh-heh, you kind of are.  Legally.

            Friend 1: (To someone else) Two seconds; I’m bidding farewell to my blessed mother!

            Bailiff: (Heard faintly) You’re only going to the motel down the street.

           Friend 1: Just leave us be, Warden, why won’t you leave us be?!  (Back to Friend 2) The heat’s on; if you never hear from me again, tell the world my story!

            Friend 2: I don’t think the world cares.

            Friend 1: You’re probably right.

            Bailiff: Off the phone!

            Friend 1: Remember me to my followers!  (Disconnects)

            Friend 2: Oh bother.

ONE DAY LATER

            Friend 2: (Answers knocking door) What are you doing out?!

            Friend 1: Oh, didn’t you hear?  Trial’s over; guy totally did it; we just had to be shown beyond a shadow of a doubt before giving him the chair.  (Sweeps past Friend 2 and flops onto the couch to nap)

            Friend 2: (Slams door, waking up Friend 1) The chair?!

          Friend 1: Sorry, that’s just an expression we and the other 11 use – he’s just getting life in solitary without parole, so it’s just as bad as if he got the chair.  Or is it worse?  Who am I to judge?  That’s the judge’s job.

            Friend 2: (Sits next to Friend 1) So it’s all done and your life can go back to normal?

            Friend 1: Yeah, I guess – I’ll kind of miss it, though.

            Friend 2: How’s that now?

           Friend 1: Well, it was kind of fun when I first got the summons, and then there was the thrill of the selection process –

            Friend 2: What?!

           Friend 1: – and spending all that time day in and day out with the other 11, we really got to bond, you know?  I made some lifelong friends out of all this – a few of us are planning to get together to go waterskiing Memorial Day Weekend.

            Friend 2: What?!

           Friend 1: You can come, too; I told them all about you – we shared our stories and created a genuine, heartfelt connection I’ve never had with anyone else before in my entire life; it was truly amazing.

            Friend 2: You were supposed to be reviewing evidence for a murder trial!

           Friend 1: We did that too, but you can’t talk shop all day long, you know?  Gotta have interests outside of work.