(Approximately
13 billion Earth years after the Big Bang/1,969th orbit of the Earth
during the human Common Era)
Earth:
Ahem. Say there, Moon?
Moon: [Oh, bother
me] Hey Earth, how is… everything… with you lately?
Earth: Not so
good, and getting worse with each rotation.
As I’m sure you’ve guessed.
Moon: Oh, it’s
not so bad; from here I can’t even tell anything’s wrong. Much.
Earth: Well, it’s
better you can’t tell how epically the sentient apex predator experiment on
this planet has failed. Which brings me
to why I caught your attention earlier.
Moon: Yeah, sure
thing, what’s happening?
Earth: So, you
know all that junk that’s been stuck in orbit around me lately?
Moon: Oh, well,
one doesn’t like to point out such things, but yeah. I have been getting a bit concerned about the
increasing volume of it, actually: are your inhabitants going to be cleaning
all that up soon, then?
Earth: Far from
it: I wanted to warn you that those apes-with-airs are planning to climb into some
sort of container and shoot themselves right out of my gravity for the sole
purpose of landing on you.
Moon:
Heh-heh-heh – what? Are you serious?
Earth: Sadly,
yes.
Moon: But how –
I don’t understand, that shouldn’t even be theoretically possible, we’re too
far away from each other for them to get halfway here!
Earth:
Unfortunately, they figured out how to warp my materials to make stuff that’ll
carry them fast enough and far enough to get them to you and back here to me
without utterly obliviating them.
Moon: I don’t believe
it.
Earth: They
figured out the math.
Moon: Noooo, not
the math! Earth, how could you let them
do this?!
Earth: Don’t pin
this on me; they’ve been slowly killing me and every other living
creature here for ages now – I’ve been a bit busy trying to maintain homeostasis
in the face of that while simultaneously trying to figure out how to wipe them all
out with as minimal collateral damage as possible. They also don’t listen to me much.
Moon: This is a
nightmare!
Earth: Tell me
about it – I first was hoping that the damage to the air, land, and sea would at
least preserve the microbes and the cockroaches, but that’s taking too long so
now I’m banking on their insistence upon manipulating their own genetic
building blocks to create a virus that would at least sterilize their entire
species. It would fit my sense of
justice.
Moon: Oh Earth,
you just know if they make it over here, they’ll completely destroy me with
their junk! And they won’t stop with
that; you know Mars will be next!
Mars: Huh?
Moon: Go back to
sleep; you’ve at least got a few more decades of peace left.
Earth: I’ll tip
you off when they point their monstrosity in your direction; all I can say
when they begin to break free from me is “Brace yourself.”
Moon: Ohhh, I
wish I were a comet on my way out of this solar system!
(After the Moon
landing)
Earth: Whelp,
the interlopers splashed back down on me, safe and sound.
Moon: Oh, goody
for them.
Earth: So, what’s
the damage?
Moon: Let’s see,
shall we? They left behind their huge
lander, some random pole with a piece of cloth jammed onto my surface, their
footprints just everywhere, a bunch of other random garbage, and oh yeah, their
flippin’ bacteria! Which all died in my not-quite atmosphere,
but still.
Earth: Bummer.
Moon: And to top
it all off, those freaks actually took some of my surface back with
them! They didn’t even ask!
Earth: Heh-heh, “ask.”
Moon: I tell ya,
Earth, I don’t know how you’ve put up with those destroyers for as many
rotations as you have – I think I would’ve cracked open my surface and
swallowed them all up long before now!
Earth: It ain’t
easy, and it’s getting worse; a tiny percentage have a clue what’s happening
and are trying to make things better, but the rest either overrule them or don’t
care.
Moon: Just
please don’t tell me they’re planning another trip up here.
Earth: Well….
Moon:
Aaaaaahhhh!!!! I can still see the stuff
they used to fly over here, floating for eternity in our orbits! I swear, the next one of them I see coming my
way, I’m breaking orbit and crashing right into you!
Earth: Umm –
Moon: It’s for
our own good, Earth! Problem permanently
solved, and we can start over, with us forming a whole new planet!
Earth: See, the
thing is, Moon – and it’s a great idea, I’m all for it – the thing is, your
crashing into me would definitely put a damper on all life here now, and
I have a sneaking suspicion it also would push me out of orbit and we just
might – might, mind you – crash into one of our chums out here and/or,
perhaps… the Sun? I’m just thinking worst-case
scenario.
Moon: Argh, you’re
right. Although, now that you mention
it: hey, Sun! Hellloooo,
Suuuuuunnnnn???!!!
Sun: (Distantly)
Oh hi, Earth’s Moon, how are you?
Moon: (Grumbles)
Earth’s Moon. (Yells) Any chance
of you going supernova anytime soon?!
Venus: “Supernova?” Did I hear “supernova???!!!”
Mercury: I
heard “supernova!” What gives, Sun?!
Sun: (Chuckles)
No, no supernova destined for me, and right now I’m growing into a red giant
that’ll probably swallow up all of you, but that won’t be for awhile – I am
still in my prime, you know.
Moon: (Mutters) Spawn
of a singularity – (Yells) never mind thank you!
Sun: I can whip up
a flare or a prominence, if you like?
Moon: Nope, we’re
good here, thanks! (To Earth)
All-powerful star and absolutely no use whatsoever.
Earth: What are
we going to do, Moon? They keep
repurposing my elements and shooting them out into space more and more as the
years go by, and they’re also planning to send some junk to spy on everything
way out there and beyond – and that’s just the beginning, they know once they’ve
pretty much killed me they’ll need to track down another rock to infest, what
if they find out about –
Moon: Ssh, don’t
let them hear you!
Earth:
Right. Maybe they’ll never find it?
Moon: From what
we know of them, it’s inevitable they’ll find it. Maybe we’ll luck out and that invasion force
next solar system over will make its way here and take care of the whole
problem for us.
Earth: Oh, that
would be lovely. Pluto’s heard that once
those folks wipe out the dominant species, they’re super-accommodating to the
host planet.
