Story 278: We’re Not Fighting, We’re Just Loud

            Friend 1: (Parallel parks the car next to a driveway entrance, then exits to measure the half-inch clearance between the driveway in front and the car behind them) Nailed it!  Let’s go.

           Friend 2: (As they walk to the target house two blocks away) This actually is my first Easter dinner – thanks again for the invite, since I wasn’t doing anything anyway, and I like your family.

          Friend 1: Sure, but you’re doing me the favor: I’ll need company during the lulls between courses.  (Suddenly stops walking in the middle of the sidewalk) Oh.

            Friend 2: (Searches through bags) What, did you forget one of the desserts we were supposed to bring?

            Friend 1: No, I just realized: you’ve met my family, but you’ve never met my Family.

            Friend 2: Aaaaand, what’s the difference?

            Friend 1: You’ve met my immediate family of six, which is a pretty sedate crowd –

            Friend 2: If you say so.

          Friend 1: – but you haven’t met the others in my Whole Family, when there’s 40 of us crammed into one room.

            Friend 2: What?!

           Friend 1: OK, more like 25 of us spread across three rooms and a basement, but you get the picture.  How well does your voice carry?

          Friend 2: Not very, which explains why you’re always the one who has to get the waiter’s attention.

            Friend 1: Yep, it was the only way to survive get-togethers.  I suggest you bring a pen and lots of paper.

            Friend 2: We’re already here!

            Friend 1: Oh.  Well, good luck.

          (They arrive at the house; a multitude of raised voices can be heard through the windows)

            Friend 2: (Stops in the driveway) Whoa, is there a fight going on in there?

            Friend 1: Nope – just 15 simultaneous conversations.  Follow me.

            (They approach the entrance and Friend 1 holds down the doorbell until Aunt opens the door; a wave of sound and several pets cascade out)

            Aunt: HI, HAPPY EASTER!  GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT!  COME ON IN!

            (Friend 2’s eyes are blinking in the sensory overload; Friend 1 drags Friend 2 by the shoulder into the house where they spend the next 10 minutes kissing everyone “HELLO!”)

            Friend 2: (To Friend 1’s ear) WHERE CAN I PUT MY STUFF?

            Friend 1: I’LL TAKE `EM!  IF YOU NEED ANYTHING LATER IT’LL JUST BE TOSSED ON SOMEBODY’S BED!  (Takes away their stuff)

            Cousin 1: (To Friend 2) WANT SOME SNACKS?

            Friend 2: WHAT?

            Cousin 1: SNACKS!  (Points to a table arrayed with nibbles)

            Friend 2: OH!  NO THANKS, I’M SAVING MYSELF FOR DINNER!

           Cousin 1: HA!  THAT’LL BE HOURS YET!  BETTER TAKE SOME NOW TO TIDE YOU OVER OR YOU’LL BE DYING BY THEN!

            Friend 2: Oh, all right.

            Cousin 1: WHAT?

            Friend 2: I SAID, “THANK YOU!”  (Picks at nibbles)

            (Four hours later)

          Cousin 4: AND THAT’S WHY THAT WAS THE WORST GAME IN THE HISTORY OF FOOTBALL!

          Cousin 11: I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW, IT’S NOT FAIR!

            Grandmother: HAS ANYONE SEEN THE CAT LATELY?

         Friend 1: I AM ABSOLUTELY APPALLED THAT THERE STILL IS SNOW ON THE GROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF APRIL!  WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?!

            Friend 2: CAN I HAVE SOME MORE WINE, PLEASE?

            Friend 1: SURE, TAKE A BOTTLE, NEARLY EVERYONE BROUGHT ONE!

      Aunt: (Appears in the kitchen entrance and speaks into a megaphone) DINNER’S READY!  EVERYBODY SIT DOWN!

            (Everyone scrambles to an age-appropriate table and digs into dinner)

        Friend 2: (To the other end of the kiddie table) COULD YOU PASS THE MASHED POTATOES, PLEASE?

         Cousin 13: THERE’S NO ROOM FOR THEM HERE, YOU’LL HAVE TO GO TO THE ADULT TABLE FOR THOSE!

            Friend 2: BUT WE’RE ALL ADULTS HERE!  EXCEPT FOR THE BABY!

            Baby Cousin: I’M NOT A BABY, I’M 8 YEARS OLD!

          Cousin 13: YEAH, WE’RE THIRD AND FOURTH GENERATION SO WE’RE STILL AT THE KIDDIE TABLE FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE!  WE ONLY ADVANCE WHEN A SPOT OPENS UP AT THE ADULT TABLE, DUE TO ABSENCE OR – (Everyone crosses themselves)

            Friend 1: (Devouring string beans) IT’S THE WAY THINGS ARE AND THE WAY THINGS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN, WORLD WITHOUT END!

            Friend 2: SO I GUESS THAT MEANS I HAVE TO WALK OVER TO THE OTHER TABLE TO GET THE MASHED POTATOES, THEN?

          Friend 1: GOT IT IN ONE!  OOH, CAN YOU GRAB SOME FOR ME TOO WHILE YOU’RE THERE?  (Holds out plate)

         Cousins 9-13 and Baby Cousin: (All hold out their plates) SOME FOR ME TOO, PLEASE?

            Friend 2: This may take a while.

            Cousins 9-13, Baby Cousin, and Friend 1: WHAT?

            (After clean-up, dessert, and second clean-up)

          Friend 1: (Settles onto a couch next to Friend 2) Ah, I’m stuffed – I don’t think I can eat another thing until tomorrow morning.

            Friend 2: Yeah, it was all so delicious.  Wait a minute – what’s going on?

            Friend 1: What?

            Friend 2: I can hear you.  And you can hear me.  And we’re not shouting in each other’s faces.

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, we’ve reached that part in the evening where at least half the crew’s left and the rest of us eventually straggle out the door.  Speaking of which, it’ll be time for us soon – it’s 8:00 already and half the state will be driving over the bridge the same time we are.

            Friend 2: (Leans back and closes eyes) In a few minutes; I want to savor this.

           Friend 1: Now that you’ve had a taste, you can be my +1 for my cousin’s wedding later this year – total of 400 guests expected right now, but there’s always room for more.

            Friend 2: Wouldn’t miss it.

Story 277: The Lazier I Am, the Lazier I Get

            (In a café)

            Friend 1: (Slowly chews a muffin and watches Friend 2 working while surrounded by piles of paper and handheld devices) What’re you doing?

            Friend 2: Oh, work.  Work-work-work-work-work.

            Friend 1: The category was obvious – I was referring to the specifics.

            Friend 2: It’s prep for tonight.

            Friend 1: But you just got off your shift; you pulling a split-double or something?

            Friend 2: No, I have a class tonight.

            Friend 1: But you graduated years ago.

            Friend 2: I’m teaching a class tonight.

            Friend 1: Oh.  (Takes another bite from the muffin) I didn’t know you taught on top of saving lives all day long.

            Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1) I’ve had this class for years, where have you been?

            Friend 1: Guess not paying enough attention.  (Finishes muffin and sighs) Sounds exhausting.

         Friend 2: (Continuously writing notes) Yeah, no kidding.  Deal with unhappy patients and unhappy doctors and unhappy staff members by day, lecture how great it is to be a nurse to the next generation of unhappy students by night.

            Friend 1: (Slowly sips a milkshake) Right, and then you got the spouse and spawn at home.

            Friend 2: Don’t get me started!

            Friend 1: OK.  So how are you – ?

          Friend 2: (Drops pen) You know, my kids never once clean up after themselves?  I tell them and I punish them and they still don’t do it.  I swear, a cuckoo bird snuck their children into my house and my real ones are out there somewhere, being tidy and proper.  Although I have to admit, they do work hard in school; I have some glimmer of hope to hold onto.

            Friend 1: (Staring in disbelief, then shaking it off) Yeah, I gave up after I finished school for good.

            Friend 2: Clearly.  (Returns to notes)

           Friend 1: Once I stopped being graded, I faced a big old “Now what?”  Did you know that I used to go to school full time, work part time, and was an active member in three clubs when I was in college?

            Friend 2: (Looks up over glasses) You?!

            Friend 1: (Begins picking at fries) Hard to believe, I know.

            Friend 2: So what happened?

           Friend 1: (Stretches a bit) Inertia?  I guess, deep down inside, there was a lazy lump just biding its time, waiting to emerge from the cocoon of me.

          Friend 2: I don’t believe it.  How could you go from doing everything to doing almost-nothing?

          Friend 1: Surprisingly easily.  Once you stop doing one thing for good, you find yourself less inclined to do another, then another, then another, until one day you’re lying in bed on a Saturday morning, staring at the ceiling, thinking “Hmmmmm.”

            Friend 2: Whatever; I think that was just what you let happen to yourself.

            Friend 1: Could happen to any of us [slurp].

            Friend 2: So why don’t you, I don’t know, go volunteer for a worthy cause?

            Friend 1: Don’t feel like it.

           Friend 2: Fine – why don’t you take up yoga or kickboxing or something else aggressive and healthy?

            Friend 1: Don’t feel like it.

           Friend 2: OK, why don’t you go travelling around the world and skydive and all that stuff?

          Friend 1: Don’t feel like it.  Plus don’t have the money, for obvious reasons.  (Begins crunching on potato chips and speaks through a full mouth) I’m surprised I had the energy to come here today – I was napping on the couch until about 10 minutes before I left.

           Friend 2: Then you have some issues going on that you need to work out – I’m just thankful this’ll never happen to me.

            Friend 1: Ha.

         Friend 2: I’m serious!  I’m so busy now I can’t even find time for me; there’ll always be something to do.

           Friend 1: Just you wait: the inertia creeps up on you and you won’t even notice you’ve been consumed until one day you’re in that recliner, too tired to go to bed.

           Friend 2: Now that’s just lazy; as for me, I – (Phone rings) Excuse me; hello?... Oh, that’s fine, sure.  You want me to – ?... OK, maybe next semester, then.  Bye.  (Disconnects)  My class is cancelled for the rest of the semester – they discontinued the course because it was redundant.  (The two stare at each other) My weeknights are now completely free….

            Friend 1: And so it begins.

           Friend 2: It does not!  (Begins frantically gathering supplies off the table and stuffing them into a messenger bag) I just have some unexpected free time for myself, at long last, like a normal 40-hour-a-week person!  And I can find another class to teach, but for now I can relax without turning into a couch potato like you!

           Friend 1: If you say so.  Next will be the kids finally start cleaning up after themselves and taking over more household responsibilities – then your work hours will get sliced due to budget cuts – then your weekends running around will have less and less chores to fill them – you better take a second job as a department store cashier or find a relative who needs 24-hour home care, else you just may become a sedentary sack of flesh.

            Friend 2: (Covers ears) No!  I will never be like you!  I have purpose and meaning in my life!  (Runs out of the café)

          Friend 1: (Focuses attention on slowly slicing up a brownie) The lure of mediocrity sucks us all in eventually.

Story 276: To See Myself the Way Others See Me

            “You know what I wish?” Co-Worker 1 sighed in the breakroom.

            “What’s that?”  Co-Worker 2 did not look up from the magazine being read.

            “That I could see myself the way others see me.”

            Co-Worker 2 peered at Co-Worker 1 over the top of a pair of increasingly necessary reading glasses.  “Whatever would you want something horrible like that for?”

            “I dunno, it might be kind of fun.”

            “Ha!”

            “Well, I really would like to see things I unknowingly do that annoy people and then I’d know to stop doing them.”

            “You could just ask – I can give you a few examples right now.”

            “No, I think I’d have to see it for myself to know for sure what parts of me need improvement and what parts are awesome are they are now.”

           It was Co-Worker 2’s turn to sigh as the magazine was tossed onto the table, abandoned.  “Sure, fine, I’ll do it.”

            “Do what?”

            “Make you see yourself the way others see you.”

            “Yeah all right, what are you, my personal genie?”

            “I guess you can call me that.”

            “Ha-ha, hilarious.”

           “Yeah, I tend to forget to tell people about their one wish, maybe `cause it never comes up.  You’re not my first, you know.”

            Co-Worker 1 felt the sincerity of all this improbability.  “Oh wow.  OK, then: I wish I could see myself the way others see me.  Only for a day!” was hastily tacked on.

            Co-Worker 2 looked as if there were a sour smell close at hand.  “Are you positive you want to waste your one wish on that?  I probably could scrounge up a million dollars post-tax or send you on a vacation to the moon or something way cooler.”

            Co-Worker 1 thought this over: “Nah, those never work out right.  This, though, is honest and humble and selfless, so nothing whatsoever can possibly go wrong with it!”

            “Suit yourself.”

            Co-Worker 1 clocked in after lunch and was shelving a cart of the store’s returns for several minutes when a shrill laugh suddenly pierced the air.

           “What the blazes was that?!”  Co-Worker 1 zipped through the aisles and ducked behind a fixture to peer at the customer service counter, where an unfamiliar-looking employee was yukking it up with other employees and customers alike as passers-by gave them strange looks. 

            “And he’s like, ‘Oof!’, you know what I mean, heh-heh-heh!”  The bizarre being continued to cackle while typing with two fingers to search the store’s product database.  “People are weird.”

            Co-Worker 2 walked up next to Co-Worker 1: “Enjoying the view?”

           Co-Worker 1 could not look away from the spectacle: “Not especially – who’s that weirdo up there, anyway?”

         Co-Worker 2 stared at Co-Worker 1.  “You’re kidding, right?  You can’t even recognize yourself?”

           “What?  Heh-heh-heh, that’s not me, they have such an annoying laugh – I mean – look at them – you know – the hair’s parted on the wrong side!”

            “Yep, that always looks so much better in the mirror, doesn’t it?”

            Another cackling scream erupted.

            “Wow,” Co-Worker 1 winced.

            Co-Worker 2 moved on to sweep the front of the store: “You have no idea.”

THAT NIGHT

            Co-Worker 1 sat at the corner of a bar, unseen by all while observing The True Self, who was trying and failing to be the life of the party.

            “Did you see his latest movie?”

            “Um, yeah, you just talked about it five minutes ago – ”

            “Well let me tell you again what happened in case you didn’t hear it all the first time….”

            Later that evening, The True Self answered the phone.

            “What, Ma?  I’m out with my friends…. Yeah, I guess I can go visit them this weekend – do I hafta, heh-heh-heh?... I’M KIDDING!... Yes, I appreciate all of you, gotta go, it’s too loud in here, bye!”  To the posse: “Sorry, I’m a brat, but sometimes you just gotta whatever!”

            Co-Worker 2 grabbed a stool next to Co-Worker 1: “How’s the wish going?”

            “Miserably.  I can’t believe my face has been crooked this whole time!”

           “Yeah, so, forgot to ask earlier: did you want this thing to be a 24-hour day or a calendar day?”

           “What?  Oh, I guess calendar – I can’t take much more of this garbage, I don’t even know where to start with myself, everything is so abominable!”

           “If it makes you feel any better, you’ll be affected by these life-changing revelations for less than a week before it’s back to business as usual.”

          “Oh well, guess there’s no point in trying to improve anything then if I'm just going to relapse.”

            “Please do something about that laugh, though.”

            “If only I could.”