Story 278: We’re Not Fighting, We’re Just Loud

            Friend 1: (Parallel parks the car next to a driveway entrance, then exits to measure the half-inch clearance between the driveway in front and the car behind them) Nailed it!  Let’s go.

           Friend 2: (As they walk to the target house two blocks away) This actually is my first Easter dinner – thanks again for the invite, since I wasn’t doing anything anyway, and I like your family.

          Friend 1: Sure, but you’re doing me the favor: I’ll need company during the lulls between courses.  (Suddenly stops walking in the middle of the sidewalk) Oh.

            Friend 2: (Searches through bags) What, did you forget one of the desserts we were supposed to bring?

            Friend 1: No, I just realized: you’ve met my family, but you’ve never met my Family.

            Friend 2: Aaaaand, what’s the difference?

            Friend 1: You’ve met my immediate family of six, which is a pretty sedate crowd –

            Friend 2: If you say so.

          Friend 1: – but you haven’t met the others in my Whole Family, when there’s 40 of us crammed into one room.

            Friend 2: What?!

           Friend 1: OK, more like 25 of us spread across three rooms and a basement, but you get the picture.  How well does your voice carry?

          Friend 2: Not very, which explains why you’re always the one who has to get the waiter’s attention.

            Friend 1: Yep, it was the only way to survive get-togethers.  I suggest you bring a pen and lots of paper.

            Friend 2: We’re already here!

            Friend 1: Oh.  Well, good luck.

          (They arrive at the house; a multitude of raised voices can be heard through the windows)

            Friend 2: (Stops in the driveway) Whoa, is there a fight going on in there?

            Friend 1: Nope – just 15 simultaneous conversations.  Follow me.

            (They approach the entrance and Friend 1 holds down the doorbell until Aunt opens the door; a wave of sound and several pets cascade out)

            Aunt: HI, HAPPY EASTER!  GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT!  COME ON IN!

            (Friend 2’s eyes are blinking in the sensory overload; Friend 1 drags Friend 2 by the shoulder into the house where they spend the next 10 minutes kissing everyone “HELLO!”)

            Friend 2: (To Friend 1’s ear) WHERE CAN I PUT MY STUFF?

            Friend 1: I’LL TAKE `EM!  IF YOU NEED ANYTHING LATER IT’LL JUST BE TOSSED ON SOMEBODY’S BED!  (Takes away their stuff)

            Cousin 1: (To Friend 2) WANT SOME SNACKS?

            Friend 2: WHAT?

            Cousin 1: SNACKS!  (Points to a table arrayed with nibbles)

            Friend 2: OH!  NO THANKS, I’M SAVING MYSELF FOR DINNER!

           Cousin 1: HA!  THAT’LL BE HOURS YET!  BETTER TAKE SOME NOW TO TIDE YOU OVER OR YOU’LL BE DYING BY THEN!

            Friend 2: Oh, all right.

            Cousin 1: WHAT?

            Friend 2: I SAID, “THANK YOU!”  (Picks at nibbles)

            (Four hours later)

          Cousin 4: AND THAT’S WHY THAT WAS THE WORST GAME IN THE HISTORY OF FOOTBALL!

          Cousin 11: I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW, IT’S NOT FAIR!

            Grandmother: HAS ANYONE SEEN THE CAT LATELY?

         Friend 1: I AM ABSOLUTELY APPALLED THAT THERE STILL IS SNOW ON THE GROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF APRIL!  WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?!

            Friend 2: CAN I HAVE SOME MORE WINE, PLEASE?

            Friend 1: SURE, TAKE A BOTTLE, NEARLY EVERYONE BROUGHT ONE!

      Aunt: (Appears in the kitchen entrance and speaks into a megaphone) DINNER’S READY!  EVERYBODY SIT DOWN!

            (Everyone scrambles to an age-appropriate table and digs into dinner)

        Friend 2: (To the other end of the kiddie table) COULD YOU PASS THE MASHED POTATOES, PLEASE?

         Cousin 13: THERE’S NO ROOM FOR THEM HERE, YOU’LL HAVE TO GO TO THE ADULT TABLE FOR THOSE!

            Friend 2: BUT WE’RE ALL ADULTS HERE!  EXCEPT FOR THE BABY!

            Baby Cousin: I’M NOT A BABY, I’M 8 YEARS OLD!

          Cousin 13: YEAH, WE’RE THIRD AND FOURTH GENERATION SO WE’RE STILL AT THE KIDDIE TABLE FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE!  WE ONLY ADVANCE WHEN A SPOT OPENS UP AT THE ADULT TABLE, DUE TO ABSENCE OR – (Everyone crosses themselves)

            Friend 1: (Devouring string beans) IT’S THE WAY THINGS ARE AND THE WAY THINGS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN, WORLD WITHOUT END!

            Friend 2: SO I GUESS THAT MEANS I HAVE TO WALK OVER TO THE OTHER TABLE TO GET THE MASHED POTATOES, THEN?

          Friend 1: GOT IT IN ONE!  OOH, CAN YOU GRAB SOME FOR ME TOO WHILE YOU’RE THERE?  (Holds out plate)

         Cousins 9-13 and Baby Cousin: (All hold out their plates) SOME FOR ME TOO, PLEASE?

            Friend 2: This may take a while.

            Cousins 9-13, Baby Cousin, and Friend 1: WHAT?

            (After clean-up, dessert, and second clean-up)

          Friend 1: (Settles onto a couch next to Friend 2) Ah, I’m stuffed – I don’t think I can eat another thing until tomorrow morning.

            Friend 2: Yeah, it was all so delicious.  Wait a minute – what’s going on?

            Friend 1: What?

            Friend 2: I can hear you.  And you can hear me.  And we’re not shouting in each other’s faces.

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, we’ve reached that part in the evening where at least half the crew’s left and the rest of us eventually straggle out the door.  Speaking of which, it’ll be time for us soon – it’s 8:00 already and half the state will be driving over the bridge the same time we are.

            Friend 2: (Leans back and closes eyes) In a few minutes; I want to savor this.

           Friend 1: Now that you’ve had a taste, you can be my +1 for my cousin’s wedding later this year – total of 400 guests expected right now, but there’s always room for more.

            Friend 2: Wouldn’t miss it.