Friend
1: (Parallel parks the car next to a driveway entrance, then exits to measure
the half-inch clearance between the driveway in front and the car behind them)
Nailed it! Let’s go.
Friend
2: (As they walk to the target house two blocks away) This actually is my first
Easter dinner – thanks again for the invite, since I wasn’t doing anything anyway,
and I like your family.
Friend
1: Sure, but you’re doing me the favor: I’ll need company during the lulls
between courses. (Suddenly stops walking
in the middle of the sidewalk) Oh.
Friend
2: (Searches through bags) What, did you forget one of the desserts we were
supposed to bring?
Friend
1: No, I just realized: you’ve met my family, but you’ve never met my Family.
Friend
2: Aaaaand, what’s the difference?
Friend
1: You’ve met my immediate family of six, which is a pretty sedate crowd –
Friend
2: If you say so.
Friend
1: – but you haven’t met the others in my Whole Family, when there’s 40 of us
crammed into one room.
Friend
2: What?!
Friend
1: OK, more like 25 of us spread across three rooms and a basement, but you get
the picture. How well does your voice
carry?
Friend
2: Not very, which explains why you’re always the one who has to get the waiter’s
attention.
Friend
1: Yep, it was the only way to survive get-togethers. I suggest you bring a pen and lots of paper.
Friend
2: We’re already here!
Friend
1: Oh. Well, good luck.
(They
arrive at the house; a multitude of raised voices can be heard through the
windows)
Friend
2: (Stops in the driveway) Whoa, is there a fight going on in there?
Friend
1: Nope – just 15 simultaneous conversations.
Follow me.
(They
approach the entrance and Friend 1 holds down the doorbell until Aunt opens the
door; a wave of sound and several pets cascade out)
Aunt:
HI, HAPPY EASTER! GLAD YOU COULD MAKE
IT! COME ON IN!
(Friend
2’s eyes are blinking in the sensory overload; Friend 1 drags Friend 2 by the
shoulder into the house where they spend the next 10 minutes kissing everyone “HELLO!”)
Friend
2: (To Friend 1’s ear) WHERE CAN I PUT MY STUFF?
Friend
1: I’LL TAKE `EM! IF YOU NEED ANYTHING
LATER IT’LL JUST BE TOSSED ON SOMEBODY’S BED!
(Takes away their stuff)
Cousin
1: (To Friend 2) WANT SOME SNACKS?
Friend
2: WHAT?
Cousin
1: SNACKS! (Points to a table arrayed
with nibbles)
Friend
2: OH! NO THANKS, I’M SAVING MYSELF FOR
DINNER!
Cousin
1: HA! THAT’LL BE HOURS YET! BETTER TAKE SOME NOW TO TIDE YOU OVER OR YOU’LL
BE DYING BY THEN!
Friend
2: Oh, all right.
Cousin
1: WHAT?
Friend
2: I SAID, “THANK YOU!” (Picks at
nibbles)
(Four
hours later)
Cousin
4: AND THAT’S WHY THAT WAS THE WORST GAME IN THE HISTORY OF FOOTBALL!
Cousin
11: I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW, IT’S NOT FAIR!
Grandmother:
HAS ANYONE SEEN THE CAT LATELY?
Friend
1: I AM ABSOLUTELY APPALLED THAT THERE STILL IS SNOW ON THE GROUND IN THE
MIDDLE OF APRIL! WHAT IS THE WORLD
COMING TO?!
Friend
2: CAN I HAVE SOME MORE WINE, PLEASE?
Friend
1: SURE, TAKE A BOTTLE, NEARLY EVERYONE BROUGHT ONE!
Aunt:
(Appears in the kitchen entrance and speaks into a megaphone) DINNER’S READY!
EVERYBODY SIT DOWN!
(Everyone
scrambles to an age-appropriate table and digs into dinner)
Friend
2: (To the other end of the kiddie table) COULD YOU PASS THE MASHED POTATOES,
PLEASE?
Cousin
13: THERE’S NO ROOM FOR THEM HERE, YOU’LL HAVE TO GO TO THE ADULT TABLE FOR
THOSE!
Friend
2: BUT WE’RE ALL ADULTS HERE! EXCEPT FOR
THE BABY!
Baby
Cousin: I’M NOT A BABY, I’M 8 YEARS OLD!
Cousin
13: YEAH, WE’RE THIRD AND FOURTH GENERATION SO WE’RE STILL AT THE KIDDIE TABLE
FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE! WE ONLY ADVANCE
WHEN A SPOT OPENS UP AT THE ADULT TABLE, DUE TO ABSENCE OR – (Everyone crosses
themselves)
Friend
1: (Devouring string beans) IT’S THE WAY THINGS ARE AND THE WAY THINGS HAVE
ALWAYS BEEN, WORLD WITHOUT END!
Friend
2: SO I GUESS THAT MEANS I HAVE TO WALK OVER TO THE OTHER TABLE TO GET THE
MASHED POTATOES, THEN?
Friend
1: GOT IT IN ONE! OOH, CAN YOU GRAB SOME
FOR ME TOO WHILE YOU’RE THERE? (Holds out
plate)
Cousins
9-13 and Baby Cousin: (All hold out their plates) SOME FOR ME TOO, PLEASE?
Friend
2: This may take a while.
Cousins
9-13, Baby Cousin, and Friend 1: WHAT?
(After
clean-up, dessert, and second clean-up)
Friend
1: (Settles onto a couch next to Friend 2) Ah, I’m stuffed – I don’t think I
can eat another thing until tomorrow morning.
Friend
2: Yeah, it was all so delicious. Wait a
minute – what’s going on?
Friend
1: What?
Friend
2: I can hear you. And you can hear
me. And we’re not shouting in each other’s
faces.
Friend
1: Oh yeah, we’ve reached that part in the evening where at least half the crew’s
left and the rest of us eventually straggle out the door. Speaking of which, it’ll be time for us soon –
it’s 8:00 already and half the state will be driving over the bridge the same
time we are.
Friend
2: (Leans back and closes eyes) In a few minutes; I want to savor this.
Friend
1: Now that you’ve had a taste, you can be my +1 for my cousin’s wedding later
this year – total of 400 guests expected right now, but there’s always room for
more.
Friend
2: Wouldn’t miss it.
