“So,
uh, as you’ll see in this next slide, um, just a second, there – uh, yes, um,
you can see our sales went down a bit last month, but, uh, they’ve [gulp] been,
uh, trending upward, and – yes?”
“What
accounted for the dip in July?”
“Uh...
that was when Store 220 was, um, closed.
Temporarily.”
“Sorry,
what? I couldn’t hear you.”
“I
said, uh, Store 220 was closed. Temp – ”
“Store
220 closed?!”
“N-no,
it was just temp-temp-”
“Oh
right, the whole rat infestation thing, never mind. What were you going to say?”
“Uh….”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“I
can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it – I’ve been giving these presentations
every quarter for the past five years and every time I get up there my throat
closes up, the sweat pours out, and my mind shuts down! And when they know you’re nervous, they
pounce all over you!”
“That
stinks – I’d’ve figured you’d gotten used to doing those things by now.”
“Yes,
thank you for reminding me. Five years,
and I still have no idea how I can face the next one. Or the next, or the next, until I’m either
dead or fired.”
“Wanna
try hypnotism?”
“Eh,
I don’t know, I – yes. Yes, I’ll try
anything. I don’t care if it’s baloney;
if I believe it’s real, it’s real. You
think it’ll relax me?”
“Nah,
you don’t want to be relaxed, that’ll put you off your game. You want to be annoyed.”
“What? Why would I want that? I just want to conquer my fear of public
speaking, like all the greats.”
“Exactly. And the only thing stronger than fear is
anger.”
“I
thought it was love?”
“I’m
not talking about a world peace scenario; I’m talking about irritation being
the only thing that triumphs over the jitters, short of not having them in the
first place. I’m talking about having
self-confidence without looking like you had to work for it. Sprezzatura – the art of appearing artless. Only in your case, it’ll be for real because
you’ll have been brainwashed into it.”
“So
how does me being irritated keep me from passing out up there?”
“Because
then you’re not worrying about putting on a good show and hoping to impress
your betters; you’re focusing on getting the whole thing over with `cause you
have better things to do with your time than explain things to simpletons. The fear will have no hold over you, you’ll
be free, and your bosses’ll love your new leadership attitude.”
“I
don’t know; it sounds like replacing one negative with another.”
“You
want to keep dying on stage for the rest of your life, or do you want to defeat your demons and possibly become CEO one day?”
“Give
me the quack’s phone number.”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“This
next slide – not working again, would someone call I.T.? – anyway, it was a
graph of budgeted vs. actual returns, and we’re exceeding the former by over 20% in
all domains. OK it’s back; now, on this
slide you can see – ”
“Wait
a minute, why does this show us not reaching our targets?”
“[Sigh]
Because this is showing our numbers from 2017.
I was about to say that, in comparison with last year, we’ve improved net
sales by 43% year-to-date. Now, I’d love
to stay and answer any questions you may have, but I’ve got another meeting
coming up so please send me an e-mail instead.”
“I
just have one – ”
“Thank
you!”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“It
was amazing! I flew through the slides
and flew on out of there – I think I was done in record time! Plus, whenever something interrupted me, I
wrestled it into submission without once having the urge to dissolve into a
pile of quivering goo! And on top of all
that, my boss offered me a promotion today to Assistant Manager, and he’s
barely said two words to me since I was hired!
I’ve finally made it to the big time!”
“That’s
great. What’s with the stress ball?”
“Oh,
it’s just that lately every single thing is getting on my last nerve. Everything moves too slowly, or there’re
mistakes everywhere, or it’s all a waste of time, or it’s losing the company tons
of money, or – ooh, I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it!”
“I
see. Wanna try hypnotism?”
