Story 282: Heard From Backstage at the Ballet

(In a theater)

Audience Member 1: Even though the ballet is horribly dull and I’m constantly having to guess what on Earth is going at any given moment, at least you got us pretty decent seats considering how cheap they were.

Audience Member 2: Yeah, we’re in the next-to-last-row, but at least they’re not too far from the center – not like those poor saps up in the side balconies.

Audience Member 1: I don’t even know why they bothered putting seats over there when you can only see ¾ of the action; I’d feel like I’m missing out on something everyone else is laughing at.

(Lights dim)

Audience Member 2: Ooh, shut up, it’s starting!

Audience Member 1: (Whispering) You’re the one talking.

Audience Member 2: (Whispering) Just making sure – this is The Ballet, not A Concert, so no screaming your praise throughout the whole show, please.

Audience Member 1: (Sighs) So dull.

(The music begins, the curtain rises, and the dancers emerge.  The principals have several solos and duets, then gracefully trot off stage left)

Audience Member 1: (Whispering) Hey, I can still see them backstage!

Audience Member 2: (Whispering) Uh-oh.  They didn’t pull the curtain over far enough.  Hope they notice soon that they can see us; that’ll clue them in –

Lead Dancer 1: (Heard by the entire audience over the music) You rushed the pas de deux again!

Lead Dancer 2: I did not, you were dragging!  Keep up the pace, you’re throwing the rest of us off our game!

Lead Dancer 1: Ugh, I wish the music wasn’t canned so I could tell the conductor to ignore you!  (Silence for a few seconds) Would you look at that, blood all over my shoes already and it’s only the middle of Act 1 – I beat my record!

(One of the on-stage dancers runs off stage left; the entire audience is facing that direction and ignoring the remaining dancers struggling on like champs)

Ensemble Dancer: Guys, take it to the dressing room, everyone can hear you!

Lead Dancer 1: Oh good, let them finally realize that beneath all the magic lies slave labor!

Lead Dancer 2: Hardly – we’re all getting paid.

Lead Dancer 1: Not nearly enough!  As you can see by this disgusting footwear that I’m waving in your face, my feet have been utterly obliterated by this cruel taskmaster called The Dance!  Is there enough money in the world to restore both my feet and my soul to their original condition?!

Stage Manager: Look, either keep it down or get back out there for your missed cues – you are ruining the show!

Audience Member 1: (Shouts) Let them finish, I want to hear what happens next!

Audience Member 2: Ssh!  Don’t embarrass me!

(The dancers who had remained on the stage stumble to a stop; Lead Dancer 1 hobbles out on bleeding feet to face the audience)

Lead Dancer 1: (While the soundtrack still is playing, holds the bloody ballet shoes aloft) Is this what you want?!  Us literally bleeding for your entertainment?!  (Is carried off by the stage crew, holding the same position) I hope you’re happy, you savages!

Audience Member 1: (Applauds enthusiastically) Woo-hoo!  This is AWESOME!

Audience Member 2: (Holds head in hands) Ballet has been ruined for me forever.

Audience Member 1: Aw, too bad, it just got interesting!