(In an exam room in Doctor’s office, Patient sits on the exam table, swinging feet gently while waiting)
Doctor: (Enters in a hurry and immediately begins checking Patient’s blood pressure, pulse, and heartbeat) Hi there, how long’s it been – six months? Deep breath.
Patient: (Breathes deeply) Actually, more like eight years.
Doctor: (Checks Patient’s thyroid) You don’t say; has it really been that long? Kids all grown up, then? (Whacks Patient’s knees with a reflex hammer)
Patient: (Kicks at the appropriate times) No kids, just me.
Doctor: Oh sorry, must be thinking about my kids – open up. (Shines a small flashlight down Patient’s throat while using a tongue depressor, then switches to the ears with a different instrument)
Patient: (Tilting head for each ear) I’ve been all right health-wise, so I haven’t been coming here because I haven’t been sick.
Doctor: (Tsks and shakes head while tying off Patient’s arm with a tourniquet, disinfecting a spot on the forearm, and casually siphoning off a vial of blood) You should always go to your primary care physician at least once a year so we can check if anything nasty’s brewing. (Labels the vial, takes off the tourniquet, puts a bandage over the new hole, and starts to leave) I’ll call you with the results in a few days – see you this time next year – byeeee!!!
Patient: Wait, I haven’t told you why I’m here yet!
Doctor: (Stops at the door and turns around) So there is something nasty brewing?
Patient: No – well, maybe – it’s just –
Doctor: I’ve got 300 patients to see today, so speed it up.
Patient: I think I have an allergy.
Doctor: (Whips out a prescription pad and starts scribbling) All right, I’ll refer you to an allergist – what kind?
Patient: Umm….
Doctor: Nuts? Dairy? Gluten? Microplastics?
Patient: People?
Doctor: (Stops writing) I don’t follow.
Patient: I’ve noticed more and more lately that I’m feeling terribly allergic to my own species whenever I’m around them.
Doctor: (Slowly lowers arms, then grabs a stool and wheels it over to the table to sit closer to Patient) How so?
Patient: Well, first off, they annoy me.
Doctor: That’s not an allergy; that’s just reality.
Patient: I’m finding I can’t be around them for too long without feeling physically ill. (Rolls up sleeves) Look at this: I’ve only been around you for five minutes, Doc, and I’m already breaking out into hives!
Doctor: (Takes Patient’s wrists and pulls arms forward slightly to stare at the hives) I’m not sure if I should be concerned or insulted.
Patient: (Rolls down sleeves after Doctor lets go) It’s nothing personal – I’ve been getting this way with everyone lately. It’s like my skin bursts into boils in a misguided attempt to defend itself.
Doctor: I can give you a cream for it.
Patient: Thanks, that may help, but what about the sounds?
Doctor: Sounds?
Patient: I’m starting to not be able to tolerate any human noises – chewing, talking, breathing – again, nothing personal, but your lip smacking over there is slowly driving me bananas right now.
Doctor: (Pushes lips together for a moment) Sounds – heh-heh, sorry – like you’re describing misophonia: I can refer a therapist to help you with coping mechanisms.
Patient: Thanks, that may help, but what about the sneezing fits I get every time I enter a crowded room? Or the shakes when strangers get in my face? Or the racing heart when family and friends get in my face? Or the –
Doctor: (Stands) I hate to cut you off, but most of what you’re describing are signs of a social anxiety disorder rather than an actual allergy. (Writes on a new page of the prescription pad, tears it off, and hands it to Patient) Here’s a referral for a psychiatrist: go make an appointment and see if you feel any better afterward.
Patient: (Stares at the paper with increasingly red, teary eyes) Oh. OK. I’ll try that. Thanks.
Doctor: (Heads for the door) You’re welcome – I’m off – see you in a year – good luck with the kids – byeeee!!!! (Leaves)
Patient: (Stares at the door, nose running and red bumps forming on face) But I don’t have any kids….
ONE WEEK LATER
(On the phone)
Patient: Hello?
Doctor: Hi, this is Dr. --------------, I’m calling –
Patient: Oh hey, Doc! I went to the psychiatrist and I think it worked!
Doctor: …What?
Patient: Yeah, we talked all about my introverted personality and the state of the world feeding into my general aversion to humanity and how I can come to terms with how awful we all are if I just stop fighting it so darn much, and wow! What a breakthrough! It’s still gonna take some time, but at least now I stop feeling overwhelming nausea every time I board the bus, know-what-I-mean?
Doctor: Yeah that’s great – listen, I got the results in on your blood test and you were right.
Patient: How so?
Doctor: You are allergic. To human beings.
Patient: Huh?
Doctor: You’re even allergic to yourself – I’m flabbergasted you’ve managed to survive this long.
Patient: Uhhhh….
Doctor: I want you to order a hazmat suit immediately and then come back to the office so I can take more blood to examine and either work on getting one of those plastic bubbles for you to live in forever or arrange for you to be shipped to the North Pole or the South Pole or maybe even the Moon so you’ll never encounter another human being ever again. (Silence on the other end for a few moments) I know this is a lot to take in, especially when you made all that mental and emotional progress –
Patient: When can I leave?
