Story 424: Harry Potter and the Ordinary School Year: A Parody

 [Inspired by the 20^th anniversary of the first movie]

 (After the massive metaphorical and literal clean-up necessitated by the Battle of Hogwarts, it is realized that Harry, Ron, and Hermione never actually attended school in the past nine months and still need to complete their seventh year)

 SEPTEMBER 1998

 (In a reserved carriage on the Hogwarts Express)

Hermione: (Already halfway through one of her class’s textbooks) You know, after all we’ve been through, I’m actually quite looking forward to returning to school.

Ron: You would.  Thought I’d catch a break and be showered with all the awards this school could muster for helping save the world, but nope!  Back to mind-numbing classes and ulcer-inducing exams.  (Scarfs down an enchanted piece of pie)

Hermione: I know, isn’t it exciting?!  I’m especially looking forward to taking the N.E.W.T.s, the capstone exam to my academic career!

Ron: And then what?  There’s no more school after that so you’ll have get yourself a job, my lass.

Hermione: (Stares into the middle distance in existential horror) No more school…?

Ron: Oi, Harry, how do you feel about all this?

Harry: (Gazing dreamily out the train window) Do you ever stop and appreciate how not having the fate of world resting on your shoulders or murderous psychopaths constantly after you is such a freeing state of experience to be in?

Ron: …I think that one’s unique to you, mate.

(In the Great Hall at Hogwarts, refurbished to include buffet tables, the Sorting Ceremony has just completed)

Headmistress McGonagall: My first official announcement this year is that this is the last year we will be sorting students into four houses – it is an antiquated tradition that causes division and unnecessary, damaging competition, and in light of recent events we all need to stand together as one school, not arbitrarily separated by who is supposedly brave, smart, evil, and whatever.

Harry: (Mutters to Hermione and Ron in their VIP section of the Gryffindor table) Here we go, folks: I’m already longing for 'The Good Old Days,' and we’re technically still in them.

Hermione: I think it’s a brilliant decision, long overdue.

Harry: But then who’s going to win the House Cup at the end of the year?

Hermione: Who cares?

Harry: (Gasps) You shut your school spirit-less mouth!

Ron: Steady on, Harry – keep going like that and I’ll have to defend my lady’s honor.  With my fists, just so we’re clear.

Harry: Sorry, Hermione.  And I blessedly forgot for a moment you and Ron are a 'thing' now.

Hermione: (Besottedly smiles at Ron and holds his hand, who besottedly smiles and holds her hand back) Only took us until the last year we’d’ve been here to realize it fully.

Ron: Yeah.  And who knows, maybe in another seven years, we’ll make it official!

Hermione: Oh Ronald, I never knew you could be so romantic!

Harry: I will throw up right here if you both don’t quit it in five seconds.

Ron: (Lets go of Hermione’s hand and resumes his attack on the main course) Look who’s Mr. Grumpy – not my fault your girlfriend chose to spend her seventh year as an exchange student at Beauxbatons.

Harry: (Through gritted teeth) Oh don’t you worry about me, Ron.  I’ll be seeing your sister at Hogsmeade and/or Paris every weekend, plus holidays!  (Winks exaggeratedly)

Ron: EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Headmistress McGonagall: If that’s all from our extremely senior students, off to bed with the lot of you.  (A chorus of moans is her reply)

Harry: (Raises hand) Excuse me, Professor –

Headmistress McGonagall: It’s Headmistress now, but your error is understandable: proceed.

Harry: Sorry if I missed this earlier, but who is teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts this year?

Headmistress McGonagall: Didn’t you get my owl?

Harry: No…?  Maybe – I got all the owls this summer, it seemed.

Headmistress McGonagall: You were offered a stipend if you wanted to teach that class.

(The entire school stares at Harry in anticipation)

Harry: Thanks, but I think I’ve had enough of that subject to last me a lifetime.

Headmistress McGonagall: Well then, since no one else wants to touch that subject here with a 10-meter pole, it’s off the roster until the next evil wizard or witch shows up to cause a fuss – good luck to the rest of you.

(The students file out of the Great Hall and head to their respective dormitories; the Gryffindor students are dumped into the Formerly Forbidden Corridor after a moving staircase swings them away in the opposite direction of where they need to go, and they slowly navigate their way back)

Gryffindor Seventh Year: (Approaches from behind Harry) Excuse me – (Harry turns around and stops; Ron and Hermione also stop to listen) I used to be a year behind you so we never formally met, and I don’t want to assume incorrectly –

Harry: Of course; very wise of you.

Gryffindor Seventh Year: Just to be sure, are you really the Harry Potter, the one who defeated Fake-Lord Voldemort?

Harry: (Sighs in only half-irritation) Yes, I am he, formerly The Chosen One, lately The Saviour of the World, or what you will.  (Spreads arms out in resignation)

Gryffindor Seventh Year: (Straight-arm punches Harry in the face; the latter falls back into Ron’s and Hermione’s arms) That’s for ruining school for me EVERY SINGLE YEAR, ya git!  (Storms off to join the rest of the group that is now far ahead of them)

Harry: (Rubs jaw as Ron and Hermione help him stand up straight and they all continue on their way; shouts after the student) It wasn’t all my fault you know!

Ron: It never was.

Harry: Don’t you start up with that again, pal, I am on my last nerve!

(In Charms class the following day)

Professor Flitwick: Today, I’m going to show you all how to cast a spell where your wand’s core will interact with another wand’s core of the same material.  (Harry starts twitching in his seat) Those of you who have already done that may sit out this session.

Harry: (Grabs his satchel of books and runs out the door) Thank youuuuuuu!!!!

Hermione: (Whispers to Ron) I will never understand why anyone would want to be excused from a class.

Ron: (Smiles and whispers back, rubbing her hand) You’re so cute.

(In a corridor, Harry nearly crashes into Draco Malfoy; they both stop short)

Harry: Oh… I… didn’t know you’d be here this year.

Draco: I was on the train and sat the next table over from you at the Welcoming Feast.

Harry: Right.  Soooooooo, what’s new?  (Winces)

Draco: Taking my seventh year, same as you three.  Mother and, surprisingly, Father thought it would be best, and I agreed.

Harry: How… nice.

Draco: Yeah.  (They stare at the floor) A bit awkward with none of our other classmates around from all those years here, though.

Harry: I know, right?  This place now feels like it’s filled with babies!

Draco: (Laughs; Harry recoils in shock) It’s even worse with the redecorating after all the – (Clears throat) unpleasantness this past spring.

Harry: Tell me about it: they finally demolished the unused bathroom that was only good for hiding a monster cave entrance, but that only left poor Moaning Myrtle wandering around everywhere like a – like a ghost, really.

Draco: Right, and did you see that the Room of Requirement now is visible at all times, for everyone?  What’s the point of having a secret stash room if just anyone can walk in and dump their rubbish there?

Harry: (Shakes his head sadly) Disgusting.  Whelp, Malfoy, I think this has been the first pleasant interaction we’ve had in our entire lives – I’m going outside to thrash some first years in Quidditch now. 

Draco: Go at it.  I’m off to Advanced Potions myself – Professor Slughorn’s all right, but he’s no… well, you know.

Harry: (Thoughtfully) Huh.  Merlin’s beard, I never thought there’d be a day where I’d actually miss Professor Snape. 

Draco: We live in strange times, my friend.  (Pats Harry on the shoulder and leaves)

Harry: (Staring after Draco) Is this a fever dream, or have I actually reached a point in my life where I have zero enemies?!

 DECEMBER 1998

(In the Great Hall, Hermione and Ron are all packed to leave for break and approach Harry at a random table, having breakfast in his pajamas and reading the inaugural school newspaper)

Ron: I still don’t get why you’re staying here: you always come over to my family’s house for the holidays, and I can’t believe I’m saying this but Ginny’ll be there the whole time if you need additional incentive!

Harry: Call me sentimental, but I’m trying to relive the wonderful days when I was an unwanted orphan and had to stay at this enchanting place during our first winter break, stumbling upon the mystery of the Philosopher’s Stone and Voldemort’s detached face stuck to the back of Professor Quirrell’s head – it was a simpler time.

Hermione: Harry, don’t take this the wrong way but I think coming back here for one last school year may be driving you a bit mad.

Harry: Rubbish.  I’ve never been so relaxed in my entire life!  Now shove off.  (The others shrug at each other and start to leave; Harry resumes reading the newspaper) And don’t you two come back pregnant now, you hear?!  Plenty of time for that later.

Ron: Nutter.  Almost makes me wish Voldemort were here to give him something to focus on.

                                                                JUNE 1999           

 (In the Gryffindor Common Room, Draco is playing Wizard’s Chess with Ron as Hermione is writing her monograph titled Hogwarts: An Updated History)

Harry: (Bursts in, beaming) Well kids, just got the word: I failed all my N.E.W.T.s.

Ron: What?!

Hermione: (Stands abruptly) Harry!  I’ve never heard such a disappointing thing in my life!  Say it isn’t so!

Harry: Nope!

Hermione: Oh thank goodness.

Harry: No, I mean I won’t say it isn’t so, because it is and I have to take this year over again.

Draco: But Harry, if you want to be an auror you have to pass all your N.E.W.T.s the first time.  Would you like me to have my Fath– (Shakes his head) an untainted relative speak to someone about this?

Harry: I appreciate it, Draco, but it’s all part of the plan.  (Stretches out on the couch and dozes off)

Ron: Plan to stay here forever, I think.

Harry: (Sleepily) If you insist.

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

 (After graduation, Ron and Hermione find Harry sitting in the middle of the Quidditch pitch, meditating)

Ron: Hiya, Harry.  Figured we’d find you here.

Harry: You figured correctly.  (He slowly opens his eyes and stands) Let me guess: Hermione was named first in the class, and Ron finally popped the question.

(Ron’s jaw hangs open in shock as Hermione runs to Harry and hugs him)

Hermione: We wanted you to be the first to know!  After our families, that is.  (She holds out her left hand to show him the heirloom ring) Ron said his mother wanted me to have it.

Harry: Nice.  All I got Ginny was a piece of tinfoil.

Ron: WHAT?!

Harry: Kidding – I conjured the Hope Diamond and had it set in my mother’s ring.  Nothing’s too special for my woman.

Ron: This is the first I’m hearing of this!

Harry: That’s because it hasn’t happened yet, psych!  (Ron looks murderously at him) But it will!  At some point.  So, congratulations you two, on this and finishing school – top marks to Hermione, naturally – and the jobs I heard you have lined up; you seem to have great lives ahead of you.

Hermione: What about you, Harry?  After you finish here next year.

Ron: Yeah Harry, won’t you have a wedding to plan?!

Harry: Who knows, I may not finish here next year; there’s no telling what the future may bring.

Ron: Harry!  Out of the three of us, I was the one who should’ve wound up the aimless failure, not you!

Harry: Don’t worry your sweet head about me, Ronald – I’ll get my act together next year, I promise.  It’s just, this year I really wanted to enjoy my time at school, you know?  So I gave myself a break from both the struggle to survive and the struggle to complete never-ending reams of handwritten parchment and repetitive exercises, and instead spent time with my friends, and going places and doing things I never got a chance to do while I was here before.

Hermione: Is that why you joined the Poetry Club?

Harry: That, and it really gave me a chance to express myself.  So – (Slaps Ron and Hermione on their shoulders) off you go, you two!  I’ll see you at the party later at the Weasleys’.

Hermione: All right Harry, we’ll look for you then.

Harry: That’s another thing: this is the end of the school year, and people have only said my first and last names together a grand total of four times.  I’m never gonna reach my quota at this rate!

Ron: Seriously, mate, what you probably need is an actual holiday to the beach or the mountains or anywhere that’s far, far away from here.  (He and Hermione hold hands and disapparate)

Harry: Cheers.  Right after I do this one last thing….

(In the public-access Room of Requirement, Harry sits on the floor in front of the Mirror of Erised – his 11-year-old reflection is seated across from him, listening intently)

Harry: …and if someone had told me/you that mean old Snape actually was watching over us this whole time and could’ve been another father figure in our lives if he’d just gotten over his angst, I’d have said they were a filthy liar.

Reflection Harry: Wow.

Harry: Oh, and Ron’s little sister grows up to be HOT.

Reflection Harry: Ugh, gross!

Harry: (Chuckles into a butterbeer) Oh, child.

Reflection Harry: Will I get to be Head Boy in my seventh year?

Harry: (Almost chokes) Uh, no, that’s not much of a priority as time goes on.

Reflection Harry: Will I finally get to beat up Dudley?

Harry: (Tilts his head in thought) Eh, the Dudley issue… takes care of itself, in a sense.

Reflection Harry: What about putrid Aunt Petunia and vile Uncle Vernon?

Harry: No longer relevant.

Reflection Harry: Will I gain top marks in all my classes and be beloved by all?

Harry: Uhhhh….

Reflection Harry: Will I win every Quidditch match here and then the World Cup when I’m 18?

Harry: Quidditch is not a viable career option for us.

Reflection Harry: Will I vanquish all my enemies and seize power in the top echelons of the world’s ministries, both Magic and Muggle?!

Harry: Kid, hold up for a second!

Reflection Harry: Yes?

Harry: I’m going to give you the most important life lesson anyone can ever receive, even though you’re just a projection of my desire to return to an age when awesome adventures awaited me and hadn’t turned out horribly yet.

Reflection Harry: Yes?  What is this important life lesson, then?

Harry: (Takes another slug of the butterbeer) As you get older, life gets a whole lot weirder.

Story 409: Method Homeworking

 (In a high school classroom)

Teacher: Good morning, class; welcome back to school and your first day of Algebra –

Students: Boooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teacher: I will allow one token protest to readjust after your summer of slackerdom – now, let’s begin with your new best friends this year: X, Y, and Z....

(Forty minutes later)

Teacher: And so, your homework tonight and every night until the end of the academic year will be the problems we are up to today – (Checks the day’s plan) yes, the next 20 will do fine.

Students: Ughhhhhh….

Teacher: Just do your best; you won’t be quizzed until Tuesday the earliest.

Students: Aaaahhhhh!!!!!

(The bell rings and the students run out of the classroom)

Teacher: And remember: have fun!  Out of all the math you may take in high school, this is the only one you’ll all actually need in your adult lives!  (Mutters while prepping for the next class) Only 50+ more years of this until retirement.

(The next day)

Teacher: All right students, I saw that nearly all of you have posted your homework on our portal by at least 7:59 this morning; however, and I am loath to tardy-shame so early in the semester, but you – (Points to Student 1) still have not submitted your work, at all.  I will accept a paper version at this time, and this time only.

Student 1: (Stands) Actually, Teach –

Teacher: <Gasps>

Student 1: – since you told us to have fun, I decided to answer the problems a little more… creatively, if you will.  (Quickly dashes out to the hallway and comes back in dragging a large covered object on a wheeled cart to the front of the classroom, whipping off the tarp with a beaming flourish)

Teacher: And what, pray tell, is this?  A computer that you manipulated to supply you with all the answers?

Student 1: What?  No, it’s a nuclear reactor.

Teacher: WHAT??!!

Student 1: I built it last night – to scale, of course.

Teacher: Oh I see, it’s a model nuclear reactor.

Student 1: Heck no, it’s functional: my cousin hooked me up with some uranium that “fell off a truck,” wink, wink.

Teacher: WHAT????!!!!

Student 1: (Pats the reactor) Don’t worry, it’s lead-lined.

Teacher: (Gesturing wildly at the reactor) But – what – why – nuclear – why – fission – but – algebra!

Student 1: Well, the problems you assigned were all to solve for unknown variables, and you’d said we be using this material later in life, so I thought, “What better way to apply this busywork than to make all these equations solve for the components in generating a non-fossil-fuel-dependent energy source?”  Nuclear energy is the key to saving the planet, I’m telling you!

Student 2: (Raises hand) Can you make it have a meltdown?

Teacher: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Student 1: (Laughing) Yeah, that’s the one fly in the green energy ointment here; next step is solving the variables for space vehicles that’ll harvest the hydrogen and helium directly from the Sun without making it go supernova in the process, which should solve all our current planetary crises forever.  (To Teacher) Mind if I hand that in on Monday instead of tomorrow?  I got Drama Club this afternoon.

Teacher: Sit down, please.  (Student 1 drags the reactor to the back of the class as neighboring students tentatively pet it in passing) Now, class: while I admire your enthusiasm and thinking outside the box to apply what you learn in the classroom to real-life situations, I must draw the line at atom-splitting and any other potentially life- and planet-threatening activities, is that clear?

Student 3: (Raises hand) Is it all right if my term project is solving for X to create a never-ending supply of water?

Teacher: While I am tempted to say “Go right ahead,” I fear you would wind up drowning the world instead.

Student 3: Fair enough.

(The bell rings)

Teacher: (As the students leave with the nuclear reactor in tow) Right: tonight I want you all to only complete problems 21 to 40, with just the answers entered next to the equations and no “Show and Tell” demonstrations, please!  (In the empty classroom, Teacher slumps back at the desk to prep for the next class) Everyone says they wish today’s youth were more engaged with the real world, but I don’t think they realize what the results would be.

Story 393: Canning for Building Character

 (In the mid-afternoon, the high school Italian Club members meet in an empty classroom)

Advisor: Right: we’re all set for our museum and theater trip next month, so this Saturday is when you start canning outside the supermarket to raise money for your cultural development – make sure you’re either there on time or switch shifts with someone before that day, OK?  (The students nod) OK, have a good rest-of-the-afternoon with whatever homework or sports or other time-fillers you have, ciaaaaooooo!  (The students gather their belongings and gradually leave)

Student: (To Advisor) Um, actually, I was wondering if I could skip this Saturday.  And all the Saturdays, for that matter.  (Advisor stares at Student) Standing around for hours asking total strangers for money they can’t spare really isn’t my thing, you know?

Advisor: (Stares some more) You’re the Club President!

Student: A political maneuver I’ve regretted ever since.

 THIS SATURDAY

(Student stands outside the supermarket entrance, information table on the side to lean on, and can in hand)

Student: (Watches shoppers going into and out of the store, does not make a move) Yeah, they’re busy.

Shopper 1: (Pushing a full shopping cart while exiting the store, sees Student, sighs, and takes out a wallet) All right, what is it this time, Trap and Release Feral Fish?

Student: Italian Club.

Shopper: (Shoves a few bills into the can) Good luck gettin’ to Italy this way, kid.  (Leaves)

Student: (Stares down at the can) Ah, Italia….

Shopper 2: (Sees Student on the way into the store and stops) Listen, word of advice: you gotta get in people’s space with this thing, you know?  You gotta hustle, you gotta work for it, or else no one’s gonna give you squat!

Student: Huh?

Shopper 2: Shove that can in everyone’s face!  Demand that they give you money!  Don’t let them pass by without dropping at least $50 into the pot!  Follow them into the store!  Follow them to their car!  Don’t take “No” for an answer!  Make them fear your wrath if they don’t –

Shopper 3: (Pushing a shopping cart from the parking lot to the store entrance) Honey, what did I tell you about bothering strangers?  (Grabs the 8-year-old’s hand and continues to the store entrance; to Student) Sorry about that; we got a talker here.

Student: No worries.

(A store employee exits the building for a cigarette break)

Employee: (Glances at the information table and can) That’s rough.  I used to have do that for Scouts.  How I loathed it.

Student: You usually get a lot of donations when you did this?

Employee: (Shrugs while blowing smoke away from the table and store entrance) Depended on the day, the time, the crowds.  After a few rounds of standing here for eons, bored out of my gourd, one day I just stuck 20 singles in the can and spent the hour reading in the magazine aisle.  (Thinks for a bit) That might’ve been how I got hired here.

Shopper 4: (Walking to the store from the parking lot; to Student) Excuse me?

Student: (Holds out the can) Hi, yeah, wanna donate to enrich young adults’ minds?

Shopper 4: Actually, I was wondering if you could break a hundred?  (Waves a $100 bill)

Student: …I’m not allowed to open this.

Shopper 4: That’s OK, I’ll do it!  (Reaches for the can)

Employee: That better not be another fake hundred you’re trying to pass off here – we have your picture on the bulletin board.

Shopper 4: (Freezes) Well, to tell the truth – (Runs back to the parking lot)

Employee: (Tosses the cigarette into a receptacle; to Student) That one’s a regular nuisance – let the manager know if something like that happens again, m’kay?

Student: Sure, thanks.

Employee: No problem.  Good luck with this – (Nods at the table and can) I’ve gotta get back to the wonderful world of fondled produce.  (Re-enters the store)

Student: (Stares after Employee, then back at the table) Did I just see my future?

Shopper 5: (Pushes a shopping cart into the store without looking at Student) Don’t talk to me.

Student: (After Shopper 5 enters the store) Kind of wish they were all like that.

(Advisor drives up to the sidewalk and leans out the car window)

Advisor: Buon giorno!  Come stai?

Student: Eh.  (Shakes the nearly empty can) Not many takers.  Are you here to relieve me?

Advisor: What?  I’m just checking in – you’ve only been here for 10 minutes!

Student: Long enough to show this enterprise is a failure, don’t you think?

Advisor: Nice try: you’re staying here for your entire shift, and not a second earlier!  (Drives away)

Student: (Looks down at the can, then at the various shoppers entering and exiting the supermarket) I suppose this is a good character-building exercise – too bad it’s wasted on my apathy.

Story 384: Putting Off a Chore

 (At the dinner table)

Parent: So, how was school today?

Child: (Shrugs) It was all right – the teachers still’re burdening us with unnecessary work, but I’m viewing it as training for the inevitable “Real World” that we all must grapple with, unceasingly, until the day we die.

Parent: OK; how was band practice?

Child: A lot of fun, but tainted by the knowledge that no matter how much I practice, I will never achieve membership in a repertory orchestra.

Parent: Right – when dinner’s over could you do that thing I asked you to do the other day, please?

Child: Oh.  You need that done now?

Parent: I needed it done the other day, but after dinner’ll do.

Child: You mind if I do some of my homework first?  I don’t think I’ll be as mentally equipped to face it if I wait `til afterward.

Parent: You must really dread doing this if you’d rather do homework first.

 LATER THAT NIGHT

 (Stretched across the bed, Child is scribbling in a notebook)

Parent: (At the bedroom doorway) So, did you do that thing I asked you?

Child: (Freezes) Oh.  I was so caught up in solving these quadratic equations I completely lost track of the time.

Parent: Uh-huh.  Make sure you do it after school tomorrow, OK?

Child: (Salutes) Righty-ho!

 AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW

 Parent: (Answering the phone) Hello?

Child: Hi!  So, I found out today that Band’s playing at the senior center this afternoon, and we’ll be there for hours and hours making those lonely people all happy, so I won’t be home until it’s real late, so, yeah.

Parent: Isn’t that something you’d have to specifically volunteer for because the center can’t fit the whole band, and when you found out about it last week you’d told me you, quote, “didn’t really feel like it”?

Child: Yes, well, today I realized, those lonely people need me!

Parent: Uh-huh.  Call me when you need a ride home; you’re gonna do that chore for me tomorrow, then.

Child: Righty-ho!

 TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately, striding over to the windows to burst open the curtains)

Parent: Rise and shine – today’s the day!

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: You’re going to do that thing I asked you to do, today!

Child: Oh – actually, I forgot, today I’d said I’d tutor the elementary school kids in English in the morning, and then help out at the track meet in the afternoon.  Plus tonight I told your parents I’d make them dinner, so, yeah.

Parent: …Seriously?!

 THE NEXT TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately)

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: This is it!  Time for your chore!

Child: Oh – actually, you mind if I do it after conducting the children’s choir at Mass this morning and then running that blood drive for the county this afternoon? I’ll probably be exhausted by then, but I’ll find the time, somehow.

Parent: (Grabs Child by the feet and drags those to the floor) Up!  At `em!  Go, go, go!

Child: (Stumbles out of the room) Aw, shucks, this is cutting into my daily 5-mile run!

Parent: The daily run you’ve never done before today?  Now beat it!

 FIVE MINUTES LATER

 (Parent drinks coffee and reads the newspaper at the kitchen table; Child slumps into the room)

Child: Well – it’s done.

Parent: There, was that so hard?

Child: I guess not.  It took a lot less time than I thought, and now it’s finally over.

Parent: Good.  Now go make yourself presentable for the children’s choir.

Child: Oh yeah, that.  (Slumps out of the room)

Parent: (Resumes drinking coffee and reading the newspaper) It’s like pulling teeth – too bad it took so long to get done that I’ve forgotten what it was.

Story 335: Professional High School Student

            (In a high school guidance counselor’s office)

            Guidance Counselor: (Reviewing a college’s application requirements on its Web site) Don’t know whether they’re expecting too much from our youth or our youth expect too little from themselves – almost makes one long for a dictatorship so we can focus our disappointment on that instead.  (There is a knock on the door) Yeah, come in.

            Administrative Assistant: (Peeks head into the room) Hi – your 1:00 is here.

          Guidance Counselor: (Hurriedly looks at watch) Already?  Well, this day is just lost – send `em in.  (The door opens wider to let in a student as Guidance Counselor stands) Hi!  Thanks for meeting with me today – please sit down.

           Student: (Sits at the same time as Guidance Counselor) Thanks for scheduling this after my lunch period – especially today, I hope it means I don’t have to make up the debate that’s going on right now.

            Guidance Counselor: Yes, about that –

            Student: Oh no, am I failing Debate?!

            Guidance Counselor: Quite frankly, yes.  But I think you knew that already.

            Student: This is the first I’m hearing about it!  I can’t believe this!

            Guidance Counselor: …You see, I would empathize, if this was the first time you were failing Debate.  But it isn’t: you already have failed it.  Five times, as a matter of fact.

            Student: Oh.  Has it been five times?  I don’t remember stuff like that.

          Guidance Counselor: Or much else, apparently.  (Drops several bursting file folders onto the desk) My predecessor gave me the heads-up before retirement that you have yet to pass a single course in your senior year.

            Student: Aw gee, that’s too bad.

            Guidance Counselor: It certainly is, since you’ve been in the 12^th grade for the past 10 years.

            Student: Ooh, you mean I hit a decade?  Sweet.

          Guidance Counselor: I’m frankly flabbergasted that you weren’t forcibly graduated after the second year of this, just to get you out of here – you know you’re now older that several of your teachers, yes?

            Student: Age means nothing to me; I still treat them with the same respect as I do any of my tenured elders.

            Guidance Counselor: That’s admirable of you, but missing the point: you shouldn’t be here anymore.

            Student: Why not?  Clearly I still don’t have a good grasp of the material.

          Guidance Counselor: And yet you’ve never requested after-school help, or gotten a private tutor, or even picked easier electives!

            Student: If it’s easy, then how will I learn anything?

        Guidance Counselor (Opens a smaller file folder) What baffles me in the whole situation is this: (Hands the folder to Student) This one folder encompasses your records from Grades 9 to 11 at this school.  (Student slowly turns the pages in the folder) Three whole years!  And you were doing just fine!  Not brilliant, but at least passing!

            Student: Amazing.

            Guidance Counselor: That’s not the word for it!

           Student: No, I mean it’s amazing that all this is still on paper – doesn’t everything have to be entered into a database by now?

           Guidance Counselor: Don’t get me started on that.  (Snatches back the folder) Now.  (Holds up the folder in one hand and slams the other hand onto the piles of bursting file folders) Care to explain?

            Student: I should think it explains itself: I’m a bad student.

         Guidance Counselor: No!  (Slams the smaller file folder down onto the desk and points at Student) No, no, no!  You clearly were not a bad student up until the end of your junior year, your home life is decent, the students in all the grades love you, I snooped around and saw that nothing horrifically horrible has happened to you, and you’re in almost every extracurricular activity we have going on here, so this – (Slams hand again on the bursting file folders) is deliberate!

            Student; You snooped on me?!

           Guidance Counselor: Don’t deflect on a moral/legal point – why are you continually failing the 12^th grade on purpose?!

            Student: (Slumps in the chair in defeat and sighs dramatically) Because I don’t want it to end.

            Guidance Counselor: How’s that?

          Student: I know what’s coming, all right?  The pointless struggle, the escalating stress, the regrets, the feeling that you’re never good enough, the imposter syndrome when you actually are good enough, and the neverending fear of failure, if you’re lucky; the actual feeling of failure for pretty much everyone else.

            Guidance Counselor: You’re failing now!

            Student: Yeah, but that’s on my terms.

          Guidance Counselor: So, what, you’re afraid to go on to college?  You have other options, you know.

            Student: It’s not that – it’s this.  (Waves arms around the room)

            Guidance Counselor: You’re afraid of school?

           Student: No-no, I love school.  That’s the problem: I love the routine, going to class, hanging out with my friends, working on projects, playing sports, going to competitions, feeling like I’m somebody here.  But once we graduate, it’s all over.  Everyone scatters to the four winds to start their adult lives, few of us are ever going to see each other again, and the time is never as special as it was here.  Well, I refuse to join the ranks of the eternally disappointed, you hear me?!  So, I’m staying here forever instead.

            Guidance Counselor: But your classmates graduate every year, so you’re still never going to see them again.

            Student: Not every year: I figured out the third time around that if I make closer friends with them as freshmen, I get all four years outta them as if we were in the same grade.

            Guidance Counselor: I feel for you, I really do, but you can’t live like this.

           Student: Why not?  My parents actually like me staying at home, I have an after-school job that pays the bills, the only one this is hurting is the school’s stats, but I’m just one student out of hundreds of thousands so really, who cares?

            Guidance Counselor: But you can’t be happy flunking for the rest of your life!

            Student: It’s actually gotten to be kind of fun, so your argument’s fallacious.

            Guidance Counselor: Aha!  So you should be passing Debate after all!

          Student: (Shrugs) Eh: take the same class for six years, you’re bound to pick up something.

         Guidance Counselor: (Types on the computer) I’m entering a recommendation that you be graduated at the end of this year due to time served.

            Student: (Sits up) WHAT?!

          Guidance Counselor: I also need a full-time assistant, since the student size has doubled since you originally started your career here – if you take courses in school counseling, you can stay here and work with students for the rest of your days, and never ever have to leave.

            Student: (Slumps again) I guess I should’ve known the dream had to end one day – that’s life for you.

            Guidance Counselor: See?  And you didn’t even have to graduate to experience that.