Story 426: Never Happy With the Weather

 WINTER

(At a table in a café)

Friend 1: (Bundled up in a snowsuit, several wool hats, and mittens over gloves, and shivering while sipping a coffee; to Friend 2) Sorry, but this was a mistake: we should’ve just had coffee at our respective homes and met by video chat or something.

Friend 2: (Has coat, hat, and gloves draped over a chair and sips a hot cocoa relaxedly) You’re the one who wanted to “break hibernation” for something that wasn’t work.

Friend 1: (Ironically burns tongue) I know, and I thought I could handle the short bursts outdoors from apartment to car to here like usual, but outdoors decided to turn the air conditioning up to the max and not break single-digit Fahrenheit.  I look up at the distant sun in the crystal clear sky, and it laughs at me.

Friend 2: Heard we’re supposed to get a blizzard tomorrow.

Friend 1: I heard that as well, and chose to ignore that abomination.

Friend 2: Snow, ice, and high winds – might get two feet accumulation.

Friend 1: You sound suspiciously schadenfreudedly about that.

Friend 2: You make that up just now?

Friend 1: I took the German word for getting enjoyment out of other people’s misery, and English adverbed it.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not thrilled about the storm, I’m just finding the situation amusing because you were recently complaining that last month was too warm and the Earth needed winter.

Friend 1: The Earth does need it, but I don’t!  And I’ll be happy when we hit 90° again.  (Spills some of the coffee while shiveringly sipping it some more)

Friend 2: Uh-huh: give you six months.

 SUMMER

(At a public pool, swimmers are frolicking while Friend 1 and Friend 2 relax on nearby deck chairs)

Friend 1: (Wearing a cropped tank top and short shorts) This was a mistake –

Friend 2: (Wearing a loose cotton T-shirt, baggy shorts, and a wide-brimmed hat) Here we go.

Friend 1: We should’ve just stayed in our respective homes and met by video chat or something.

Friend 2: You said being by the water should cool us off; I thought you were going to suggest the beach with the off-shore breeze, but this is fine, too.

Friend 1: I thought having all this water around would cool us off by osmosis – clearly, I was mistaken!

Friend 2: (Gestures to the pool) Why don’t you just jump in, then?

Friend 1: What, you mean with all the people in there?

Friend 2: You’re ridiculous.

Friend 1: It doesn’t help that outdoors decided to turn the furnace up to the max and break triple-digits Fahrenheit.  I look up at the nearby sun in the hazy sky, and it melts my face off.

Friend 2: Just think, six months ago you would’ve wanted to be as overheated as you are now.

Friend 1: (Blinks at Friend 2) I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Friend 2: I’m sure you don’t.  Going in for a swim now.  (Removes layers for swimsuit underneath and jackknifes off the diving board into the pool)

Friend 1: (Drenched by the outer edges of the resulting splash) Oh, sweet tidal wave – how I’ve longed for ye.

 WINTER

(At a table in a café)

Friend 1: (Wearing two snowsuits, barely able to move; voice is muffled by multiple hats and scarves) This was a mis-

Friend 2: Don’t even start.

 SPRING

(In a public park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are lounging in beach chairs under a shady tree)

Friend 1: (Breathes in contentedly as a warm breeze wafts through the air) Ahhhh….

Friend 2: Is this all right now, Goldilocks?

Friend 1: Hm?

Friend 2: Temp’s in the high 60s; mild to no wind; we don’t have to wear quilts or ice packs…?

Friend 1: Oh.  Yeah, you’re right: this is perfect.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They sit in silence for a few moments)

Friend 1: (Starts shifting around in the chair) Too perfect.

Friend 2: Theeeeere it is.

Story 351: Don’t Let a Slight Monster Invasion Ruin Your Vacation

         (A bus stops at the corner of an intersection in a shore town; among the passengers disembarking is Tourist, dragging a rolling suitcase.  Standing on the sidewalk across from the beach, Tourist takes a huge breath and sighs loudly)

            Tourist: At last – peace is mine.

        (Tourist checks into a nearby motel, unpacks, changes into a bathing suit, and immediately dives into the crowded pool)

            Guests: (In the pool and on the surrounding deck, all now drenched) Hey!

            Tourist: Sorry!  But we are all here to get wet, are we not?

            Lifeguard: Roughhouser.

          (Tourist dog paddles around for a minute, then sits on the edge of the pool steps for half an hour)

           Tourist: (Watches as a volleyball game somehow fits in the pool) Yep, can’t get any better than this.  (Sips a soft drink from the poolside bar)

            (A giant shadow falls over the land; everyone looks up to see the Sun momentarily blocked)

            Guest 1: Is that a bird?

            Guest 2: Silly, no bird is that big!  Looks more like a butterfly.

            (As the shadow passes, a loud roar is heard that shakes the ground and buildings)

            Tourist: (Watches the rippling pool waves).  Interesting.  Is it migration season now?

          Lifeguard: (Reads a cell phone text) OK, listen up: a state of emergency’s been declared, so everybody outta the pool!  (Everybody groans)

            Guest 3: Already?  We saw that thing literally two seconds ago!

     Lifeguard: (Points to the sky in horror) But now there’s them – RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!  (Vaults over the pool deck and flees down the street)

          (Guests look up and simultaneously scream as they see the flock of giant butterflies roaring across the sky, following the same path into town as their leader.  Everyone grabs as much of their things as they can, sliding across the wet ground as they tumble off the pool deck and back to their rooms for en masse check-out)

            Tourist: (Seeing that Guests and the flying flock are all gone, hauls off the pool steps and back to the diving board) That worked out nicely – now where was I?  (Repeatedly cannonballs into the pool)

            (Later that afternoon, Tourist drags a chair and gear across the street to the beach entrance)

           Tourist: (Peers into the empty beach tag station, looks around, then tosses $6 into the booth) Least I know I did the right thing.  (Sets up the chair, an umbrella, and a radio on the nearly empty beach and settles in to read a trashy novel.  The waves gradually become choppier, faint screams are heard in the distance, and the few people on the beach become more panicky as they noisily pack their gear; Tourist turns up the radio without looking up from the book)

            Beachgoer: (Runs to Tourist while carrying an umbrella) Hey – you might want to pack it up, that thing’s gonna be here any minute!

            Tourist: (Finally looks up) What thing – the beach cleaner?

            Beachgoer: No – that!  (Points out to the ocean, where a giant mutated salamander is making its way to the shore)

           Tourist: Oh, that?  Let’s see now – (Pulls out a calculator and begins typing) judging by its estimated mass and acceleration, its velocity then would be reduced by the tidal force and – (Licks finger, holds it up in the air, and nods) wind drag, along with its approach opposite to the Earth’s rotation, I’d say we have a good – (Hits “=” on the calculator) 8.17 minutes before it makes landfall.  (Looks back at Beachgoer) But thanks for the heads-up!  (Returns to the novel)

            Beachgoer: Nutter.  (Runs away screaming)

          Tourist: (Notices that the ocean is receding steadily; sighs in annoyance and begins to pack up.  To the creature) If you’re going to take the waves with you then there’s no point to this whole thing, now is there?!  (Sulks back to the nearly empty motel)

            (That evening, Tourist is on the room’s telephone as a mini-tidal wave gently laps at the first-floor windows)

           Tourist: What do you mean, the restaurant had to unexpectedly close – you guys never close!... Yes, I understand that a multi-headed creature who keeps growing more heads as others are chopped off is there, but really, if they were bringing such a large party then they should follow the same rules as everyone else and make a reservation!... Hello?

            (Later that night, Tourist strolls on a boardwalk as people occasionally run past in the opposite direction, screaming)

           Tourist: (Shakes head) The crowds certainly are rowdier this year.   (Stops at the entrance of an amusement pier and see the giant mutated salamander is at the other end, tearing through the rides and eating them)  Ugh!  And I was finally going to ride the Ferris wheel here, you jerk!  (Police and military arrive to do battle with the creature) A bit late, but thanks anyway!

            (Down a side street, Tourist finds a lone ice cream parlor still open)

            Tourist: (To Cashier) Hi, just a raspberry ice, please – you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get any kind of summer vacation experience here tonight!

           Cashier: (Ducks when hearing large flapping sounds and roaring overheard while handing over the ice) Yeah, the owner said we could stay open if we want: I need the tips for my college fund.

           Tourist: Ah yes, I remember those days.  (Hands over some bills and winks) Keep the change!  (Begins eating the ice while breezing out through the exit)

            Cashier: (Sees the change is 57¢) …Thanks?

            (Tourist finds a bench facing the slightly calmer ocean and settles down to finish the ice while several giant creatures fling around the abandoned cars that are jamming up the streets)

           Tourist: (Turns around slightly at the noise of crashing metal and honking horns) Hm – is there a parade scheduled for tonight?  (Hears a roar, turns back to the ocean, and sees a dragon lighting up the sky) Oooh, fireworks, I almost forgot!  (Tosses the empty ice cup into a nearby trash can and stretches across the back of the bench to watch the fire blaze across the sky and listen to the cacophony in the background) Aaaaahhhh, it’s so great just to get away from it all.