Story 346: All the Time in the World – Now What?

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake)

            Friend 1: Sigh.

            Friend 2: No one actually says “Sigh,” you know.

            Friend 1: I wanted to emphasize the sentiment.

            Friend 2: Of what, contentment or disappointment?

            Friend 1: Both.

            Friend 2: You’ve lost me.

          Friend 1: Contentment in knowing that right now, in this moment, we are living The Good Life; disappointment in knowing this moment will end soon and we’ll have to go back to living The Blech Life.

            Friend 2: As with all things – just enjoy this now and let me do the same.

            Friend 1: I suppose.

            (They settle back in their chairs and watch some ducks paddle by)

            Friend 1: [Siiiiiiiiiiigh]

            Friend 2: OK, that’s even worse – what now?

          Friend 1: Just thinking how the Sun’ll set in less than two hours and the day is pretty much over.

           Friend 2: For the love of – can you just turn your mental gnawing on everything off for two seconds?!

            Friend 1: Yes.  But two seconds is a tiny period of time, so it’s virtually meaningless.

            Friend 2: Argh.

        Friend 1: As is any brief moment of enjoyment we manage to find in this world: ephemeral, evanescent, gone before we barely have a chance to truly appreciate it.  I miss the time in my life before I hit puberty when I didn’t realize all this.

            Friend 2: I miss that time in your life, too.  I’m going to watch funny videos on my phone and ignore you now.  (Does so)

            Friend 1: (Is hypnotized watching the ducks paddle by) [Sigh] If only I had all the time in the world….

ONE YEAR LATER

            Friend 2: (Answers cell phone) Hey, what’s up?

          Friend 1: (On the phone) You’ll never believe this: I got the results back from my physical and the bottom line of all the jargon is that I’m basically immortal.

            Friend 2: You’re right, I’ll never believe that – is today April Fool’s?

            Friend 1: I already got you with that last week; this is real!

          Friend 2: Oh right, I blanked out on that for a minute there.  You know, I’d be mad at you about that whole thing but I have to admit it was pretty funny.  I may steal it to use on my cousin next year, if you don’t mind.

            Friend 1: Not at all – I’m generous with my work.

            Friend 2: So, what’s up?

            Friend 1: Ummmmm… wait a minute… uhhhh… I’ll get it in a second….

            Friend 2: Oh right, you think you’re Dracula or something.

            Friend 1: Not Dracula; immortal!

            Friend 2: Isn’t that the same thing?

          Friend 1: The one is not dependent on the other!  I’m not drinking blood or sleeping during the day, I’m just living forever!  As in, FOREVER.

            Friend 2: That’s neat.  Good for you.

            Friend 1: Is that all you can say?!

          Friend 2: What, so you were given a life expectancy of 100-something years?  That’s great; hope you get to keep your faculties all the way to the end, if you know what I mean.

           Friend 1: You’re not getting it: my doctor found all these weird things in my blood and tissues and brain and what-not that mean nothing in me’ll ever get sick, or decay, or be destroyed!  I’m invincible!  AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER.

             Friend 2: You sure they didn’t mix up your sample with a cockroach’s?

         Friend 1: There is negative billion chance of that ever happening.  Now, having pondered on the ramifications of this for some time, I have accepted my new fate in truly having all the time in the world and therefore can do whatever I once thought impossible due to time constraints.  I can lean every world language now, including those of every species of whale!  I can literally travel to every country on the planet!  I can literally travel to every planet, eventually!  I can dive to the bottom of the Mariana Trench just to say I did it!  I can learn every skill imaginable, becoming the international spy I always wanted to be!  I can even become an Olympic athlete because all it takes is a gazillion hours of training, which I now have!

            Friend 2: Well, it’s a little more than that –

          Friend 1: Where do I even begin with a whole universe of time ahead of me?  Ooh, I know: watching every single episode of that series, you know, Physician Whatsit, from its very first episode in 1963 to the present.

            Friend 2: …Wow, you really are serious about all this, aren’t you?

            Friend 1: I told you, it’s not April Fool’s!  (Disconnects the call firmly)

FIVE YEARS LATER

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake, while Friend 1 flips frantically through a large book)

            Friend 2: I thought you wanted to relax now that time means nothing to you?

           Friend 1: How can I relax when I have yet to master the subjunctive of Vedic Sanksrit?!  (Flips more pages)

            Friend 2: (Furrows brow) I don’t think that one’s spoken too much anymore.

            Friend 1: It won’t be at this rate!  (Flips faster)

            Friend 2: (Settles back in the chair to watch the ducks paddle by) [Sigh]

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER

            Friend 1: (Answers call in a hurry) Yes?

            Friend 2: Hey, sorry I had to back out of our skydiving trip sort-of last minute, but the arthritis is acting up again.

           Friend 1: Always excuses!  Never mind, you would’ve just slowed me down anyway – after I land back on Earth I’m hopping on the nearest train to begin my third round-the-world trek, which you already backed out of, again!

            Friend 2: Well, we did just get back from the Moon, and you know it’s my kid’s high school graduation –

            Friend 1: No sense of priorities!  You’re letting every opportunity to live pass you by!  (Turns off hologram call and jumps solo out of a plane) Liiiiiiiiiife!!!!

THIRTY YEARS LATER

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake)

           Friend 1: – and I clearly explained the entire history of the U.S. banking system to demonstrate how their plan will lead to yet another recession, and the entire board room stared at me as if I had two heads!  Oh sorry, outdated reference: one of the board members does have two heads, so I guess it reminded me of that old phrase, heh…. Do you ever wonder if everybody on what we used to call Proxima Centauri b think we’re weird for just having one brain? 

             Friend 2: (Wakes up with a half-snore) Huh?  What?

             Friend 1: Forget it.  Oh, and Happy 80^th Birthday, if I missed mentioning that before.

         Friend 2: Oh, thanks.  You know, I really do owe you for helping find the cure for dementia all those years ago – I realized recently I’d’ve been knee-deep in it by now.

           Friend 1: No problem.  It’s amazing how simple it is to find a solution once one has adequate time to devote to the problem, know what I’m saying?  Sorry about the multiple sclerosis, though – working on that one now!  (Continues scrolling through medical texts on a holographic screen)

            Friend 2: That’s OK, I’ll take it over the other one any day.  You gonna stop all that and just watch the water with me now?

            Friend 1: Oh all right.  (Turns off the screen and leans back to watch the water) You know the Earth’ll rotate away from the Sun in less than two hours and the day is pretty much over.

            Friend 2: Unbelievable.

TWO HUNDRED YEARS LATER

            (In a lecture hall on Mars)

          Friend 1: (Pointing to a presentation on a large screen) And in conclusion, our continued presence in this universe actually will create the very extinction-level event for our insignificant planet that we have been dreading since the beginning of our entire species’ existence!  (The attendees stand, bow at Friend 1, and leave the room)  I miss applause.  (Stares out the panoramic window at tiny Earth, far in the distance) Sigh.  Think I reached the end of this academic avenue: what should I study next?  How to reverse entropy?  Time travel that actually works within this dimension?  Comparative religions of Earth and Venus?  Why fictional romances are so much more satisfying than real-life ones?  (Sighs softly) Why having all the time for everything I could ever want to do feels empty instead of fulfilling?

            Friend 2: Because you never learned to really appreciate anything?

           Friend 1: Huh?  What?  (Wakes up with a half-snore, back on the beach chair facing the lake in the park with Friend 2)

            Friend 2: You were talking in your doze.  And snoring pretty loudly.

         Friend 1: (Looks around, discombobulated) What – how – do you know I just lived several lifetimes’ worth of experiences and intellectual growth, and it was all for nothing!

          Friend 2: Well, welcome back, Dorothy.  Learn any life lessons that you’ll instantly forget?

          Friend 1: (Stares at the ducks as they paddle by) That I really do need to appreciate more in life and focus less on the time that’s passing.

            Friend 2: Good.  (Leans back in the chair and closes eyes)

            Friend 1: And also that space travel is the absolute worst.

            Friend 2: You certainly learned to keep on complaining.

Story 312: Ghost of Garbage Past

            (On a park trail, Hiker is walking at a brisk pace and whistling a merry tune.  Finishing off a plastic water bottle, she tosses it over her shoulder into the bushes off to the side.  Pulling a newspaper out of her backpack, she reads it for a bit while walking and then crumples it up and pitches it overhand into the woods.  She then pulls a bunch of plastic bags out of the backpack, tosses the bundle back and forth between her hands, then lifts one leg to chuck the bag bunch underneath her knee and bank it off a tree.  She pauses in her stride and whistling when she sees a trail marker with a bag hanging on it – a bag obviously filled with animal waste)

            Hiker: (Shaking her head in disgust as she moves on) Dog walkers.

            (She continues on the trail, oblivious to the POV shot shakily watching her through the trees and bushes.  There are cracking branches, crackling leaves, and ominous music, signaling something approaching closer)

            Hiker: (Consulting a trail map) Ugh!  This must be out-of-date – there clearly is not a bridge for me to cross this pesky stream here anymore.  (Crushes the map and throws it into a hollow in a nearby tree, then hears the cracking and crackling as they get closer) Chipmunks must be antsy today.  (Starts walking again as the POV shot shakily and quickly zooms towards her – she finally turns around, widens her eyes, throws her arms out wide, and screams weirdly)

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            (At the trailhead at dusk, three park rangers and Hiker’s Relative assemble)

            Chief Ranger: (To the other rangers) Still no sign?

            Park Ranger 1: (Out of breath) No, and I did the black diamond trail twice.

            Hiker’s Relative: Why?  I told you she only does the blue square trail.

            Park Ranger 1: Oh right, I forgot.

           Park Ranger 2: Well, I did all three blue square trails, and nothing – however, this just lends credence to my argument that we need to install cameras along all the trails, especially since I just now found at least 10 bags of dog poop and they show up at the same time and in the same places each week –

            Chief Ranger: We are not discussing this again: there’s no money in the budget for cameras on all 15 miles of trails here.

            Park Ranger 2: Oh, but there’s money in the budget for all the antibiotics we have to take for infections and the biohazard suits we have to wear, then?!

            (There are rustling trees at the trailhead, indicating something is approaching)

            Hiker’s Relative: What’s that?

          (They all shine flashlights at the shaky POV shot heading closer to them, accompanied by ominous music)

            Chief Ranger: (Mutters) Wish there was enough in the budget for at least stun guns.

            (After a lot of noise, Hiker stumbles out of the woods and into the parking lot; she is covered head-to-toe in all sorts of dripping garbage)

            Hiker: Gross… gross….

            Park Ranger 2: Ghost?

            Park Ranger 1: Ghost!

         (They scream until Chief Ranger smacks them both upside the head; Hiker collapses into Relative’s arms)

            Hiker’s Relative: Gross.

            Chief Ranger: (To Hiker) What happened to you out there?

            Hiker: (Shivering) Unclean… monster… revenge…..

            Park Ranger 2: (Nodding encouragingly) Ghost?

            Chief Ranger: Unbelievable.  Why can’t we just have a normal mugger like every other public place out there?

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

(In a meeting room at the Ranger Station the next day)

Park Ranger 2: (Standing next to a projector screen that has a photo of trash all along a trail on it) And that is why our carry-in/carry-out policy clearly is not working.

Chief Ranger: We’re here to talk about last night’s ghost incident, not your ongoing campaign against the littering trailwalkers.

Park Ranger 2: I felt now was a good time to resurrect the issue, if you get my meaning.

Chief Ranger: I’d rather not; now sit down.  (Park Ranger 2 sits on a folding chair next to Park Ranger 1; Chief Ranger stands to address them) So, after the police interviewed that hiker last night, turns out there’s no actual description of a perp, no known motive, and no real damage done except needing to take a really long shower.

Park Ranger 1: Wait, no description?  She didn’t see the ghost that did it?

Chief Ranger: Well, she said it basically was – (Checks notebook) “A moving mass of garbage.”  Obviously can’t work off of that.

Park Ranger 2: (Shoots hand into the air) Oooh, oooh, I’ve got it!  Maybe it’s not a “ghost” per se: maybe it’s the woods itself attacking people who litter, using their own garbage against them as the perfect form of revenge!

Chief Ranger: …Nah, I like it being a ghost better.  Right – we’re going to spend today walking the trails and seeing if there are any remnants this weirdo spirit may have left behind.

Park Ranger 1: Shouldn’t the cops be doing that?  `Cause we’re not cops.

Chief Ranger: They are doing that, but they don’t know the trails like we do, with all the places people up to no good tend to hang out.  Figure the ghost’d go there, too.

Park Ranger 1: Yeah, I don’t really know all those, either.

Chief Ranger: For the love of – (Grabs a pamphlet titled “Undercover Trails” from a drawer and hands it to Park Ranger 1) Bring this with you and try to memorize at least some of it, please?  And if you two find anything suspicious, radio me and I’ll bring the police to your position.

Park Ranger 2: Does suspicious include –

Chief Ranger: Just if you find any humans, living or after-living, where they shouldn’t be.

Park Ranger 1: (Points to an area on the brochure) Heh-heh, I remember this spot from when I was in high school.

Chief Ranger: Yes, about 500 teenagers have gone there; none of you have any originality.

Park Ranger 1: Oh.  I thought it was special.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            (On the trail around where Hiker was garbaged)

            Park Ranger 2: (Wearing gloves and collecting trash into a large bag) Not enough money for cameras – I know it’s the same 27 people spreading their filth wherever they go, I just need to start following them or something.  (Stops suddenly, looking at the full bag) Let’s try this.  (Cringes, then upends the bag to spread the contents onto the middle of the trail; addressing the skies) OH MY.  LOOK WHAT JUST HAPPENED – ALL THESE POTATO CHIP BAGS AND CIGARETTE BUTTS AND WATER BOTTLES AND PLASTIC WRAPPERS AND TISSUES AND WHAT-NOT, JUST ALL OVER THE PLACE.  (Peers closer at the pile)  Are those condoms and tampons?!

           (POV shot shakily and quickly approaches to the sound of cracking branches, crackling leaves, and ominous music; Park Ranger 2 turns around)

            Park Ranger 2: (Eyes widen upon seeing a massive wall of garbage moving quickly closer) I KNEW IT!  (As Wall almost hits, Park Ranger 2 holds out hands) WAIT!  (Wall freezes; Park Ranger 2 quickly picks up all the pieces of garbage again and places them back into the bag) Are you the Ghost of Garbage Past, or are you the Spirit of the Woods, or are you Mother Nature herself?  (Wall shrugs) You know, I’ve been trying to tackle this problem of people tossing their stuff around here like the park is one giant trash bin for years, but there are so many acres and so few of us that it’s felt like a losing battle for some time now.  (Wall shrugs again) You also know, they’re gonna wind up pinning what you did on some unknown rando – I’d say keep on doing it, but no one’ll ever believe who you really are and mend their ways because of that, so what’s the point of you garbaging people?  (Wall marks the word “REVENGE” on the trail) True, but they’re still going to litter anyway, because they learn nothing.  Maybe I can sneak garbage cans onto next year’s budget and have some volunteers sweep through here more often?  (Wall shrugs, then leaves)  Thanks!  Maybe still get dump yourself on some of those jerks though, just to keep them on their toes, know what I mean?

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            (Back at the Ranger Station)

            Chief Ranger: So none of us found anything?

           Park Ranger 1: Actually, I did find a pot garden and $14 in quarters, but I figured that’s not what you meant.

            Chief Ranger: (To Park Ranger 2) And you?

            Park Ranger 2: I think we won’t be having this problem anymore. (Winks broadly)

            Chief Ranger: What on Earth are you talking about?

           Park Ranger 2: Uh, actually, uh, no one else has reported anything unusual on the trails, and that Hiker called this afternoon saying she’s joining some nature organization that preserves open spaces and such, so… that, should be… that.

           Chief Ranger: What?!  Some freak human or freak inhuman could still be out there dumping garbage all over taxpayers, and you think it’s case closed?!

         Park Ranger 2: (Looks out the window at the gently swaying trees) We’ve come to an arrangement.

             Chief Ranger: Now that’s just creepy.