Story 269: Not Another Christmas Album

Radio Host: Aaaaand welcome back to “Myron in the Morning,” with me, your host, Asha – once again, our thoughts and prayers are with Myron’s family, may he rest in peace.  Now, our special guest today is that top recording artist, that angel on guitar and zither, that current “In” thing himself, Mr. Wei Schwartzman!  Thank you for being here today, Wei!

Music Star: Thank you for having me on the show to promote my material, Asha – the label appreciates it.

Radio Host: Heh-heh, yes, normally we here at the studio are off the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s while the robot servants run the repeats, BUT since this was the only day in the next five years where you weren’t already booked, the producers simply couldn’t pass up the opportunity, so here we all are!

Music Star: Yes, I – five years?

Radio Host: So, as I am currently not relaxing on a beach in Brazil, my first question is this: Your new album.

            Music Star: …Yes?

           Radio Host: It has got to be the first album ever, as far as the Internet can locate, to be released during the winter holiday season and focus entirely on every other holiday of the year except for Christmas, Hanukkah, and/or the Roman New Year.

          Music Star: You would be correct.  None of those three are mentioned at all, not even obliquely.

          Radio Host: That seems to be a conscious choice – could you explain to our listeners your reasoning behind why you would do such a thing?

            Music Star: I already did on my Web site.

            Radio Host: Humor them.

          Music Star: Oh, um, well, it all started after my tenth album came out and my manager’s like, “So what’s next?” and I’m like, “Uh, vacation?” and she’s like, “That’s hilarious,” and I’m like, “I’m really tired,” and she’s like, “You want to stay a star forever or not?!” and I’m like, “Well now that you ask – ”

            Radio Host: So whose idea was the album?

           Music Star: Um, kind of both?  I mean, she’s all, “Let’s do a Christmas album!” and I’m all “Let’s not,” and she’s all, “Why not?” and I’m all, “Because every single person on this planet has done a flippin’ Christmas album, the market’s saturated, plus I’m Jewish, so, whaaat?” and she’s all, “Who cares, just do a few jingle bells and sleigh rides and Santa Clauses, they’ll eat it right up,” and I’m all, “Now that’s just crass: the season’s about the birth of your Savior and yet the entire industry managed to make it BORING,” and she’s all, “That would be a Church album, I’m talking about a Christmas album,” and I’m all –

            Radio Host: So why not do a Hanukkah album, then?

            Music Star: You know, I recorded a few songs, but when I actually listened to them I realized my Hebrew sounded terrible and would have just marred the holiday.

            Radio Host: And New Year’s?

           Music Star: I did toy with the idea of filling the album with 20 variations of “Auld Lang Syne” just to freak people out, but tossed it when the mere thought of the inanity of it all put me to sleep.  I mean, where do you go from there?  People soon would start hating New Year’s, and me.

            Radio Host: And that’s when you were struck with the inspiration of doing an album of all the other holidays?

          Music Star: Exactly.  And it would be all original music, covering every holiday known to humanity, past, present, and possibly future.

            Radio Host: Which is why the album is 5,075 songs on 205 discs.

            Music Star: Yep!  Wrote and recorded it all in a week.

            Radio Host: That’s… unbelievable.

            Music Star: Why thank you.  I do it all for the fans.

           Radio Host: I especially like how the first few discs cover those holidays that we all hear about but never properly acknowledge in popular music, with such songs as “Have Yourself a Blessed Eid al-Fitr,” “The Seven Days of Kwanzaa,” “We Wish You a Solemn Yom Kippur and a Happy Rosh Hashanah,” “O Holy Diwali,” and “Have Yourself a Merry Little Michelmas” – oh.  Bit of a repeat there.

             Music Star: Hey, it was as the spirit moved me.

          Radio Host: I see you also have songs for the U.S. federal holidays such as Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4^th of July, and Election Day, in addition to those of other countries that I could go over, let’s see….

            Music Star: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, I got every last one, love all, serve all!  [Head falls onto the desk and snoring is heard]

            Radio Host: Shucks, I was going to ask what his next album will be.  Well folks, I guess that means that’s all the time we have for today – thank you for joining us here at currently-still-called “Myron in the Morning”; have a Happy New Year; could somebody here please help this guy; I’m going to Brazil.

Story 254: Why Is There a Soundtrack?

            The radiant sunset surrounded the couple with shades of red, purple, and pink as the two strolled through the cozy park, hand-in-hand.  The moment when he was going to pop the question was fast approaching: he knew it, she knew it, the dog walkers knew it.  The violins swelled in anticipation as he suddenly stopped, grabbing both her hands in his.

            “Beloved?” he opened.

            “Yes, my angel?” she replied; several stirring flutes got in on the action.

          “We have known each other for so long – ” the violins became more agitated – “I simply cannot face the rest of my life without you by my side – ” an expectant drumroll began, with cymbals winding up for the climax – “and what on Earth is that orchestra doing here?!”

          “Oh them,” she lightly laughed.  “They follow me on special occasions: they’re the soundtrack to my life.”  The cymbals finally crashed.  “Not yet, guys – maybe start again when we kiss to seal the deal?” she asked; the music abruptly cut off.  To her angel, she smiled: “You were saying?”

            “Ummmm….”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            The two spies snuck through the darkened warehouse and spoke to each other in whispers.

            “I’ll take the left, you take the right,” Spy 1 said.

            “Why do I always have to take the right?” Spy 2 almost whined.

            “Because right now I’m on the left, right?”

            “What?”

            A menacing bass line began.

            “So, you go that way,” Spy 1 gestured with a gun, “and I’ll go this way.  Ri – OK?”

            “Wait a minute, what’s that noise?”

            A synthesizer ratcheted up the thrill factor.

            “It’s underscoring the danger of our actions, now c’mon!”  Spy 1 gestured with the gun again.

          “Not so fast,” Spy 2 said, head tilting to listen.  “I know those chords.  This is the Villain Theme playing right now.”

            “What are you talking about?”

            “That’s the music played every time the villain shows up.”

            “Which makes perfect sense because that’s the reason why we’re here!  To catch the villain!”

           “Yes… or….”  Spy 2 pointed a gun at Spy 1.  “Perhaps the True Villain has been beside me ALL ALONG.”

            <DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUN!>

            Spy 1 pointed the gun at Spy 2.  “Now you’re just being stupid and tiresome.  <Gasp> Maybe this music’s playing because you’ve been the True Villain ALL ALONG!”

            “Nonsense – I’m not the villain.”

            “Ha!  Prove it!”

            “I’d know it if I was, wouldn’t I.”

            “You make a good point.”

            The True Villain jumped out from behind a pillar, accompanied by a crescendo.

         “Aha, you fools!”  The Villain laughed evilly.  “The music was signaling my approach, and now I have the drop on both of you!”

            “Blast,” Spy 1 said as the two raised their hands in surrender.  “We sure misread those cues.”

            “Yes, I must say they were deliberately confusing to the casual listener,” Spy 2 agreed.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            In the haunted house, the reckless teenagers paused on the third floor to regroup; they spoke with flashlights shining up on their faces due to the requisite power outage during the obligatory thunderstorm.

            “I say we head to the basement and wait it out there,” Teen 1 said.

           “I say we head to the attic, solve the mystery, and set the angry ghost’s soul to rest,” Teen 2 said.

            “I say we head to the front door and walk out of it,” Teen 3 said.

            “Hold up a sec!” Teen 4 hysterically shouted.

            “What?  We were having a nice rational discussion up until now,” Teen 1 said.

         Teen 4 looked around in terror before screechily whispering: “Where’s our supporting music?!”

            The others pondered this.

            “You’re right, it’s been suspiciously not playing for ages,” Teen 2 said.

            “That means when it does play, it’ll be a doozy,” Teen 1 agreed.

           “I’m going to climb down this drainpipe here,” Teen 3 said, opening a window.  “You’re all welcome to join me whenever you’d like.”

            The other three froze in place.

            “Should we run for it?” Teen 4 asked.

            “Maybe if we never move ever again from this spot, the ghost’ll forget about us and leave us alone,” Teen 2 said.

            “Or we could – ” Teen 1 started but was cut off by jump-scare music, which was followed by the jump scare of the tangible ghost getting in their faces.

            With everyone screaming, the music was no longer necessary.

            From outside the house, Teen 3 jumped onto the ground from the drainpipe, ran to the car, got inside, and started it.  The horror music quietly began to swell.

            Teen 3 turned to face the music: “Don’t even think about it.”

            The music stopped as Teen 3 drove off into the night.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            In an office, Manager approached Employee.

            “So,” Manager said, “we’ve got a huge project coming up, with lots of ways it can go wrong.”

            “All right,” Employee said, then pressed a button on a CD player; light-hearted music played through the speakers.

            “What are you doing?” Manager asked.

        “Scoring our new adventure,” Employee said.  “Judging by your statement, I trust that shenanigans will ensue?”

            “Not really – this is a very serious project for one of our top clients.  If it doesn’t go right, we could be – ” Manager leaned in slightly to whisper – “F-I-R-E-D.”

            “All right.”  Employee pressed a few different buttons; serious-sounding music then played.  “So this situation is dramatic, then.”

            “Well, yeah!  And I even feel a little uncomfortable taking it on, to tell you the truth; this is the client who is a bit – ” whispered again – “S-H-A-D-Y.”

            “Got ya.”  Employee hit several more buttons; hints of mystery and danger were signified by the presence of a bassoon.  “How’s this one?”

            “Perfect.”